Going to AA with a Buzz On.....
 

Hi all,

I had been doing so well. And then for no particular reason, I thought I would “enjoy” the “holidays”. You know the story. I couldn’t stop after the holidays. I am lying to my wife and kids about drinking again. It has to STOP. I HATE THIS. I told my wife I am an alcoholic. She said, no, you just need to control it. This after going through detox.

She does not want to believe I have the addiction. But i do. And I am sitting ina Starbucks parking lot waiting for the AA meeting. I want so badly off of this squirrel cage. The fits and starts are driving me insane.

This is not about my wife. She believes in me. My adolescent kids know I have a problem, but they believe in Daddy.

I am at rock bottom. The only thing I. An think of is to suck down some coffee and go to a meeting. I am hanging by a thread. I am NOT a failure. But I have not been successful at sobriety.

Everything I want, everything I am capable of demands sobriety. And yet, here I am.

I do lot know what else to say. I may speak tonight. But this has to end. I have tried to fit this in with all the things I do. But it can no longer “fit”. It has to be the primary thing I do.

I have conquered a lot in my life. I was United States Marine Corps Infantry. First Gulf War. Honors graduate from a great school. Graduate school. Great career. But one thing is my ultimate nemesis—- alcohol.

There are so many just on this board who have done what I have not been able to do. Stay sober. I am not a failure. I am a man pushing a rock up a hill, but it is SOOOOO heavy. And I am tired.


So please send me your strength. I need it.

Everything you need to quit and stay quit is within you. So is every hurdle and barrier to sobriety.

Focus on the positive, fight the negative, addiction-fueled thoughts.

What Carl said. :) I'd suggest making a gratitude list every day. Write down what you are thankful for, no matter how small. Practicing gratitude keeps my sobriety healthy and happy. :)

Horn,

Thank you for your service! You sound very intelligent, strong, self reliant, self sufficient, and successful. Those are very great qualities that you possess. They create a minor problem for us alcoholics and that is to surrender to succeed. Once I surrendered and took direction from someone else then my life changed.

Thanks. You are very kind. I am surrendering.

I believe you can do this too Horn - in this case, surrendering, or acceptance, is key tho.

Get as much reinforcements as you can muster :)

D

Horn, know that you are not alone. Very many successful people succumb to this affliction. It takes people from all walks of life. The important thing is to recognize it and take action. You have earned many 'stripes' in life. Add one more to your list. It takes a strong person with determination to succeed at kicking this thing. Acknowledging the problem is just the beginning. Taking action is something not alien to you, it's there for the taking - so just do it.

Of course you can do it, Horn. It's a matter of finally acknowledging that there is never going to be any control for us. 'Enjoying' the holidays with a few drinks is not going to happen. The last time I tried to drink socially it took me years to get back on track. Be glad you are ready to surrender and reclaim your life.

Thank you for serving in the USMC.

Thanks so much. I will do tonight.

Yes, what Carl said. Always.
Also, thank you for your service. You were able to do those things bc there was no disease involved.
Some of us relapse a lot. I did. I finally got so sick of being so sick and exhausted like you stated.
Throw yourself into AA. It REALLY works, if you work it, as they say.
You can do it.
GL,
Jules

Horn, you are absolutely not a failure.

You can stop drinking and live the life you want. Taking action is so important. I'm glad that you are going to a meeting. Focus on the positives and be kind to yourself.

I have conquered a lot in my life. I was United States Marine Corps Infantry. First Gulf War. Honors graduate from a great school. Graduate school. Great career. But one thing is my ultimate nemesis—- alcohol.
thats because alcoholism is an equal oppertunity destroyer- it doesnt matter if you conquered nations single handedly, built multi billion dollar businesses, became a successful neurosurgeon, formed one of the greatest bands of all time........


I am a man pushing a rock up a hill, but it is SOOOOO heavy. And I am tired.

thats part of the problem. youre trying to do something on your own ya dont have to. theres people that will help and guide you how to chisel away the rock-to make it small enough you can carry it up the hill then throw it away.

on this
I had been doing so well. And then for no particular reason, I thought I would “enjoy” the “holidays”.
did ya do anything more than stop drinking?

meetings are great,but going to meetings and not drinking dont treat alcoholism.

Glad you are here. And thank you for your service.

Internal battles, so to speak, have seemed tougher for me at times than the ones I have waged in external areas like career, etc. You are at a great turning point to make the leap into recovery. As an AA person, I had to (finally) make that choice and go completely committed to the steps and working with a sponsor. It saved my life and my program guides me, and all of my actions and decisions, every day.

Hope you stay with us. You can be a warrior in recovery and find a new life. That's how I think of us, as the warriors who choose to survive and thrive over our disease. We are the fortunate ones.

Best to you.

Perhaps a fellow Marine can help you. Ever hear of Sandy B? He's still my favorite AA speaker. Back in the day his cassette tapes were popular fixtures at our local AA meetings. He's gone now but his recorded talks are available here:

https://www.recoveryaudio.org/speaker/sandy-b

and here:

Stories of Recovery - Sandy B Collection

Sandy's obituary is here. He died in an AA meeting and I think that's exactly what he wanted.

Richard 'Sandy' Beach, an icon of Alcoholics Anonymous, spread a message of hope to thousands

Drop the rock. It represents the old ideas you are trying to take into a new life. They won't fit.

Everything may be within you to triumph over alcohol. It was with me, everything that is, except the Power.

Drop the rock, seek the Power though the steps, with an open mind, and victory can be yours. That is how I found permanent recovery.

It seems very alien that there is strength in surrender.

But it's a crucial thing to realise.

It is admitting that there are some things that we can't control by mere force of will. Surrender also allows us to look for help to face the biggest obstacle that many of us will ever face in our lives.

I think nearly every addict at some point has tried to stop drinking/using by white knuckling through abstinence. As my very wise drug counselor in inpatient rehab was fond of asking "How's that working out for you?"

It takes a huge amount of strength and courage to admit that we're not the boss of everything in our lives.

Thanks for all the kind words folks. I won’t recount all the things folks say upon relapse. I had been doing so well that I thought I could handle moderation again. I had done it for so long (I really hadn’t) I thought I could go back to social drinking. Nope.

I met a really great guy that I get along well with at AA. I think I will ask him to be my sponsor. I am just dumbfounded that I am so powerless over this GD substance.

Again, thanks everyone.

I think we all were. I tried to figure out why for years, but when I finally just accepted that i WAS, things got a lot easier to deal with. Sounds like you are on track to get things going in that direction too, glad you've found a group and a sponsor that can help.

Sorry to read you are struggling.

Don’t hesitate in asking the man in AA to sponsor you and take you through the steps.

There is so much more to AA than attending meetings.

Wishing you well.

You definitely have what it takes to succeed. That is HONESTY! It does get easier to accept after some sobriety. You're the type of newcomer I like to seeing come to meetings. You're struggling to understand why but you know you are. The magic happens once you're convinced that booze has your number.

A newcomer asks an old timer after an AA meeting, "Hey Bob! How does AA work? Bob said, Just fine young man."