Canuckleman45

So I'm an alcoholic. I'm an alcoholic. Well for some weird reason it sure feels good to say this. I am an alcoholic. The more I sit at this computer on this website reading, posting, learning, I have no shame about this disease I have. I don't know why I drink. And why I can't quit. I had a great childhood, parents are together. Never abused. Just seemed to slowly escalate through the years to where I am now. Sitting here at the computer desperate for this misery to end. Im an alcoholic. I know I haven't really gotten real tough on myself yet. I thought this would be easier to do than it is. I am sorely mistaken. I wonder if I'm doing something wrong however. Like a previous post I had where its easy to quit for a few days then all hell breaks loose, I feel like such a failure. I don't like the look my wife and kids give me when I am pouring a beer. Not a look of anger, but a look of concern and disappointment. I am an alcoholic. I am no longer in denial on this. I am a goddamn alcoholic and need to become a recovering alcoholic before its too late. I have found lately that with every relapse it comes back worse. I'm doing more drunk driving as well. This isn't the man I want to be dammit. I am terrified of what I am becoming all because I am an alcoholic. I despise alcohol. I know what I have to do but I'm afraid Im not strong enough to do it. I'm calling a counsellor today to get a little more insight. I'm ashamed of myself. I used to take pride in my inner strength. This seems to be the only thing I can't beat, I quit smoking one day. Just threw out the pack and never gave it a second thought. Well that was quite a ramble. I am an alcoholic. still feels good to say. its a weight lifted off my shoulders. Today is another DAY 1 I guess. So all I can do is not drink today.

tomsteve

. I don't know why I drink. And why I can't quit.

these have simple answers.
we drink because thats what alcoholics do with untreated alcoholism.
we cant quit because thats what alcoholism does- it can cause us to be incapable of stopping on our own.
a lot of what ya read is quite relatable to me: same, self hatred were quite strong both during my drinking and for a while after stopping.
i made a decision i wanted to stop drinking for good and was willing to go to ANY lengths to achieve that. i was willing to do ANYTHING. i was willing to fight my ass off for victory over alcohol.i wasnt strong enough to do it on my own. i needed a power greater than me to help. i wanted a power greater than me to help.
it was well worth getting into AA, working the steps, fighting the mental obsession( some days that was one second at a time), and everything else necessary.

you can do it,too,Cm.

ScottFromWI

The answer to your question is actually right in your message -the very first line. We drink because we are alcoholics - nothing more, nothing less. Our upbringing, socioeconomic status, religion, color, etc is all non-relevant information as alcoholism doesn't care. It can affect anyone, anywhere, any time.

And i'd argue that you can quit - you already have and just did again today. The problem you seem to be having ( that most of us had at one moint ) is that you cannot stay quit.

For most of us, staying quit required us to Admit/Accept that we are indeed alcoholics. Whether it's going to an AA meeting and pronouncing it there, Saying it here on SR, or telling a counselor/confidant - we need to accept without question that taking even one sip of alcohol is not an option. And it will never be an option.

Once you can do that, you need to make a plan - that you can follow every single day - to remind you that you are indeed an alcoholic. Because temptation will always arise - and you need to be ready.

soberandhonest

You sound a lot like I sounded a little over two years ago. The fact of the matter is you CAN quit, forever, you just need to decide how.

Have you told your wife that you are an alcoholic? I ask because I spent years lying to my wife, minimizing my drinking, and creating some rationale doubt as to whether I was truly an "addict" or just another guy who needed to cut back on his drinking. I did this even after I had allowed myself to conclude that I was an addict (which I also denied for a long time) because, even though I knew I was an alcoholic, I knew that admitting it to her meant that I could never drink again if I wanted her in my life. Even as I accepted the fact that I was an alcoholic, my alcoholic brain was holding out hope that I could resume drinking - seems crazy to me now, but it was all very rational back then. Admitting this fact to her was perhaps the hardest thing I've ever done - I'm not a weak dude and don't like admitting what I perceived then to be a weakness (it's not a weakness, btw, but I thought of it as such at the time). When I finally admitted this fact to her, it forced me to begin to grasp the idea that I had to quit, completely quit, and that I needed to explore treatment options right that moment. Up until that moment, I was continuing to hold out hope that I could "cut back" or "quit for a month" or somehow moderate my drinking, all things that I had tried for years and failed at over and over and over and over.

And the look you describe: "not of anger, but of concern and disappointment." That look, one of concern, is not the worst. Trust me on this. I don't know how soon, but soon, it will turn to a look of disgust and then a look of stone cold apathy. When you get there - coldness and apathy - your wife is leaving you. And it's probably not far away. Every wise resource that she turns to during this time will tell her to either leave you or make preparations to leave you. Don't let your entire life unravel over this.

You CAN do this. Decide if you need inpatient, outpatient, or if you will do it without either. No matter what you choose, write up a treatment plan and follow it. And start today. Pushing this to tomorrow will fail.

Good luck, man. I relate a LOT to what you posted. I speak of a man who, under similar circumstances, quit and has stayed quit for 25 months. I've repaired my relationship with my girl and my kids and my sober life is incredibly awesome. You can do this.

LateBloominCait

I have been where you are now. Keep coming here and keep doing the work you're doing by looking alcoholism in the face. This is a huge step in the right direction. If you're like me, there is a strong voice inside you that wants you to live and thrive and beat this. You can do it!

totfit

For a long time, I tried to figure out "why". The why is merely that my body is different and I cannot handle alcohol. What seemed like such a disastrous thing, has become no big deal. First you have to get stopped. Then you just have to internalize deeply that there is no way that you can safely ingest alcohol. It is really not such a big deal. It leaves you with everything in the world that you can do with alcohol not getting in the way. Find a way to stop and ingest no more and being an alcoholic is in invisible thing.

DontRemember

I drank because I wanted to. Then I drank because there was a weird something 'drawing' me to drink. Then I drank to cope with my past drinking and what I did/caused while drinking. Then I drank because "F'it". Now I don't drink.

nez

When I was able to accept the fact that I cannot fly, I became empowered to seek outside help, which led me to freedom.

I can now use resources that exceed my abilities, board a plane, and find myself in Hawaii. How cool is that!

Or, I can continue to try and fly under my own power, but I suspect the results will be the same as they always were.

I used to take pride in the phrase "I am a self made man". Nowadays that phrase is a humbling one.

2ndhandrose

I found freedom in admitting that I am an alcoholic. It allowed me to move forward in my recovery instead of fighting it.

I love this quote, it sums up how I feel!

"I think recovery from anything is honestly the most badass thing a person can do." anonymous

DontRemember

Good question about how much your wife knows.

After a year, I tell people(family,some friends,clients) that I'm still not drinking because I feel better not drinking. I don't tell them I'm an alcoholic for several reasons. Family(immediate family knows) and some friends(my closest circle know why),I don't tell incase I ever do drink in front of them again. Clients are similar except I don't want the stigma for the most part and also, imagine me saying that and again..they see me drinking at some point,bye-bye clients.

JustTony

The label "alcoholic".

The word "forever".

All powerful and emotive use of language.

Essential for some people. Unnecessary for others. Potentially even unhelpful for some?

I'm a baby at recovery and sobriety. I have tried using the label 'alcoholic' and imagining that I will stay sober 'forever'. For me (and I accept I'm learning as I go along) neither of these 'devices' really help me (believe me I have tried both).

The one thing that DOES help me massively is simply deciding not to drink today. That's it for me. I just decide at the beginning of the day that I will not drink today. And that's that for another 24 hrs. I make the decision and don't revisit it.

I keep it simple - as in a lot of ways - it really is that simple.

I wish you strength CanuckleMan.

tomls

I have always checked in the 24 hour recovery connection every morning to remind me of who I am and I can't drink. Best wishes for you on your journey!

Canuckleman45

as usual so much good......GREAT advice. LOVE IT! I had a nice chat with the wife his morning. And She is going to try and quit while I get sober. I love this woman . So thats positive.

Nonsensical

The alcoholic living in my head tells me that same lie. You're not strong enough to do this.

He's a liar and a thief. I stopped listening to a known liar and my life got a lot better. I highly recommend it.

You can do this.

Canuckleman45

Thank you everyone. as usual nothing but support and love. Nonsensical thanks. that made a lot of sense.