wildflower70

Hi guys,

I posted in another thread...but I need immediate help...

This is getting bad guys.........he tells me he wants me " sober", but yet he tells me to drink more so I am 'friskey"...this is borderline sick, I have told him I have a drinking problem, and I should just be....But he is willing to put my life in jeopardy so I can please him sexually. I need some serious advice...this has been a major cause of relapse for many years...me needing to drink to be intimate, and the men in my life telling me to drink so I can be relaxed enough to please them. Oh god...i need to talk about this....please don't be offended SR...

trachemys

Not offended.

Run.

Get away from people like him.

Run.

Red78

I was the same as you, I had to learn intimacy without alcohol and drugs, it has taken me years..
I think 1st you need to talk to him and tell him that you need him to work with you sober to overcome these issues. If he won't or can't then is it worth sabotaging your sobriety for the needs of another person.
DON'T DRINK you will regret it and hate yourself..

Delilah1

Hi Wildflower,

I am glad you came here tonight, and I am sorry for what is going on. If your boyfriend/husband tries to get you to drink to do something sexual, that is quite concerning. It makes me think it is something you wouldn't consent to sober, which means you aren't consenting if you are drunk.

Please do not drink, and remove yourself from this relationship and take some time to really look at whether or not it is healthy.

Sending lots of love, stick here tonight if needed.

wildflower70

This isn't my husband...it is actually a new relationship. And, of course he saw right away that I drink too much. But, he said that as long as "my drinking" benefited him (meaning I could do more to please him sexually) that it was fine. However, once I'm not pleasing him, I had better stop..OMG....I am so confused!

Red78

I suggest you leave him, not tomorrow, not next week but now.. This is predatory and you are worth 1000 times more than this, if he is saying this now at the beginning then how bad is it gonna get further down the line.. Leave him and save yourself..

Delilah1

Get out now, do not continue in this relationship for another minute.

Focus on getting sober, and working on recovery. Do things that make you happy, and support your recovery, spend time with friends or family who are supportive of your recovery, and end this new relationship, it is not one that is worthy of you for another second.

wildflower70

I don't know what to do...he seems to want me to be sober. But, he asks me to do things that I can't do sober.....OMG, Ive stopped drinking (like right now), and I'm so confused. This is my minute one, and I'm contemplating letting someone abuse me for there own frolic and folley...what is wrong with me???

trachemys

Well, you're under the influence.

Get out.

wildflower70

What if this is all my fault? Maybe he is a good guy, who just likes sex? What guy doesn't? Maybe I screwed this up? He wasn't impressed today when I didn't want to stay at his house... (Ive only known him 1 week) UGH

Berrybean

Get out of there Wildflower.

Maybe save the sexual side of things for loving and committed relationships only, for your own safety and sanity if nothing else.

You don't need to make this into a fiasco. Just tell him that you both want different things and wish him all the best for the future as you leave.

BB

Delilah1

No, he isn't a good guy when he tries to persuade you to do something you do not want to do. I
Is he at your house now?

wildflower70

Berrybean,

In my heart and soul I feel that I should be alone now (with my 2 loving cats) and focus on my new day1...it's going to be a rough one and hell or high water, I'm ready to dry out.

This is messed up, but it seems as though I'm looking for permission to be selfish and look after myself today....tough luck what he wants....??

Berrybean

Do it!

It's not selfish... it's being responsible for yourself.

BB

geoffaus

This isn't a 'good guy'.
No genuine, caring man would tell you to get drunk just to please him.
He's clearly a manipulative selfish human.
Unfortunately I've had experience with that type. For your sanity, please stop before it goes any further.
Strength and best wishes.
Geoff

Done4today

Wildflower,

Get a few days sober. Then reevaluate what you are posting. I can only speak for myself as a single recovered alcoholic. There is not anyone good enough for me to start drinking for. The best me is me sober, clear headed, honest, and with my integrity. If I start drinking then one of the first things I will do is cheat on her. So, now I've risked my sanity, health, integrity, and the relationship over drinking.

As an alcoholic, booze is not an option because there is no situation that can improve from drinking it.

ulfr

wild flower please please get out of there if he had sex with you while you are drunk that is RAPE you cant give consent when drunk please take care of yourself and GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE and dont look back your are worth more than that you need to look after yourself PUT YOURSELF FIRST

i hope you stay safe

Red78

lets us know how you are doing wildflower..

trachemys

wildflower, when you're sober, reread this entire thread. Your posts tell you what to do. Ours are merely reinforcement.

entropy1964

WF breath. In your last thread you said you kicked him to the curb. I'm guessing you were sober.

If you are being abused or forced to do things you don't want to do, call the police. If not then YOU must take care of you. Clearly if he is telling you that he's fine if you drink so you can sexually please him this is a bad guy. Right? So new relationship? DUMP HIM.

The rest? All alcoholic thinking. Let me share what I've learned about me: I am responsible for me and my safety. I choose who I let in my life and determine how they treat me. I am responsible for establishing safe and healthy boundaries....with everyone. I put alcohol in my body. Nothing makes me drink. My alcoholic thinking is irrational and not based on fact.

Get help. Stay single....for a long time. You can do this.