I'm hanging on by a thread..
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,468
Find new men, not boys!!!!
OK, seriously though. That's my suggestion.
It may be hard to cut these ties, but it's for the best.
The longer you are sober, the more comfortable you will be in your skin to enjoy the sober sex.
I used to have to be wasted to have sex, obviously, not any more.
But the sex has gotten so much better, it's like I got out of my head and just enjoyed it.
In my honest opinion.
I thought I read one of your posts that this guy was nothing but a fling.
If that's the case it should be easy to drop him, as I believe you stated it was never meant to be serious, just fun.
Work on you and your sobriety, I'd give it a year before you even think about dating AKA distractions
You got this darling!!!!
OK, seriously though. That's my suggestion.
It may be hard to cut these ties, but it's for the best.
The longer you are sober, the more comfortable you will be in your skin to enjoy the sober sex.
I used to have to be wasted to have sex, obviously, not any more.
But the sex has gotten so much better, it's like I got out of my head and just enjoyed it.
In my honest opinion.
I thought I read one of your posts that this guy was nothing but a fling.
If that's the case it should be easy to drop him, as I believe you stated it was never meant to be serious, just fun.
Work on you and your sobriety, I'd give it a year before you even think about dating AKA distractions
You got this darling!!!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by wildflower70 
This isn't my husband...it is actually a new relationship. And, of course he saw right away that I drink too much. But, he said that as long as "my drinking" benefited him (meaning I could do more to please him sexually) that it was fine. However, once I'm not pleasing him, I had better stop..OMG....I am so confused!
as long as "my drinking" benefited him
However, once I'm not pleasing him
THAT is reason to dump him and take care of you
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by wildflower70
What if this is all my fault? Maybe he is a good guy, who just likes sex? What guy doesn't? Maybe I screwed this up? He wasn't impressed today when I didn't want to stay at his house... (Ive only known him 1 week) UGH
as long as "my drinking" benefited him
good guys would be supportive of your recovery.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by wildflower70
This is messed up, but it seems as though I'm looking for permission to be selfish and look after myself today....tough luck what he wants....??
tough luck what he wants-yup. tough luck what EVERYONE wants except the most important person in the equation-you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Lakeside, Arizona
Posts: 1,138
Originally Posted by wildflower70
What if this is all my fault? Maybe he is a good guy, who just likes sex? What guy doesn't? Maybe I screwed this up? He wasn't impressed today when I didn't want to stay at his house... (Ive only known him 1 week) UGH
leave, don't look back. It's not you it's him. The guy is trash like half the human race.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Phoenix
Posts: 1,189
Thank you everyone, your responses have touched my heart and soul. I am home, safe and sound, and sober. I will be evaluating my choices, as I know that as a sober person I wouldn't even consider doing these things, it's not the real me.
Ladies, how long did it take before you were able to have a healthy intimate relationship, sober. I have never done it, and I'm afraid I won't ever be able to...that means living the rest of my life alone. At 47, that's a long, lonely road.
Ladies, how long did it take before you were able to have a healthy intimate relationship, sober. I have never done it, and I'm afraid I won't ever be able to...that means living the rest of my life alone. At 47, that's a long, lonely road.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Lakeside, Arizona
Posts: 1,138
Originally Posted by wildflower70
Thank you everyone, your responses have touched my heart and soul. I am home, safe and sound, and sober. I will be evaluating my choices, as I know that as a sober person I wouldn't even consider doing these things, it's not the real me.
Ladies, how long did it take before you were able to have a healthy intimate relationship, sober. I have never done it, and I'm afraid I won't ever be able to...that means living the rest of my life alone. At 47, that's a long, lonely road.
Ladies, how long did it take before you were able to have a healthy intimate relationship, sober. I have never done it, and I'm afraid I won't ever be able to...that means living the rest of my life alone. At 47, that's a long, lonely road.
Marchia in Aeternum
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 11,094
Originally Posted by wildflower70
Ladies, how long did it take before you were able to have a healthy intimate relationship, sober. I have never done it, and I'm afraid I won't ever be able to...that means living the rest of my life alone. At 47, that's a long, lonely road.
When you start caring for yourself, you will become more attractive to other people that care about themselves. Good men will see your health and be attracted to you. You won't be alone.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: yorkshire UK
Posts: 879
Wildflower. Glad to hear you are okay. When I first got sober (years ago) I was 30 and sex and drink went together. It took me 10 months, I won't forget cos I wanted it all the time but couldn't do it sober! That period I was sober for 4 years and went on to have great intimate sexually fulfilling relationships.
Please don't go near that man again, I have just ended my relationship because he wanted me drunk, for pretty much the same reasons as your but mainly cos I was easier to manipulate when drunk. It has been a very hard 3 years and its taken its toll on my self esteem, I began to think I would never break free, of him or the booze. Please beware.
Please don't go near that man again, I have just ended my relationship because he wanted me drunk, for pretty much the same reasons as your but mainly cos I was easier to manipulate when drunk. It has been a very hard 3 years and its taken its toll on my self esteem, I began to think I would never break free, of him or the booze. Please beware.
under new management
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Calgary, Alberta
Posts: 2,339
wildflower, until you have built an intimate, loving, relationship with yourself, you will never find one with someone else.
I hope you will put your energy 100% into yourself, without distractions. Once you get healthy for you, you will attract healthy people into your life.
47 is just a number, I am about to be 59 years and I am here to tell you, it is never too late for love but you need to love yourself #1 first.
I hope you will put your energy 100% into yourself, without distractions. Once you get healthy for you, you will attract healthy people into your life.
47 is just a number, I am about to be 59 years and I am here to tell you, it is never too late for love but you need to love yourself #1 first.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 3,293
No offense man, but based on your history with men or any relationship, you might want to consider therapy. You seem to attract these pigs and they seem attracted to you. It's definitely not your fault for these predators behaviors, but you must be doing something to attract them. John
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Hi WF
Glad you are doing ok this morning.
Sooooo, cart before the horse girl. Slow your roll. Haha. I mean that with humor. One step at a time. Sober. For. a. long. time. Accepting that alcohol is not an option/coping mechanism, and developing new coping mechanisms will take up all your energy.
A man will not make you. External things....they don't determine who I am or how I see myself. They can't. Cause what happens when those external things go away, or don't live up to expectations? I'm lost.
After you have some sober time, you can start looking at codependence. For me, in simple terms, that means my perception of myself is determined by what you think of me. Wow. What could possibly go wrong? So I'm always searching for me, my meaning, my purpose in you, or him, or it, or a bottle.
Frankly I don't know if I ever want another intimate relationship. I'm 52 and seem to be perfectly fine with that. Soooo that probably isn't completely healthy. I've gone the opposite direction. You can't STOP looking for a partner, I can't imagine anyone sitting on the couch next to me. Except my daughter or my cat. The whole concept kind of freaks me out. But I'm ok with that now. Truly, I believe I need about 5 years sober before I'll consider taking another hostage...I mean, having another relationship
But each day is a new day. Today I think I'll sit with my cat.
Hang in there. You have plenty of time.
Glad you are doing ok this morning.
Sooooo, cart before the horse girl. Slow your roll. Haha. I mean that with humor. One step at a time. Sober. For. a. long. time. Accepting that alcohol is not an option/coping mechanism, and developing new coping mechanisms will take up all your energy.
A man will not make you. External things....they don't determine who I am or how I see myself. They can't. Cause what happens when those external things go away, or don't live up to expectations? I'm lost.
After you have some sober time, you can start looking at codependence. For me, in simple terms, that means my perception of myself is determined by what you think of me. Wow. What could possibly go wrong? So I'm always searching for me, my meaning, my purpose in you, or him, or it, or a bottle.
Frankly I don't know if I ever want another intimate relationship. I'm 52 and seem to be perfectly fine with that. Soooo that probably isn't completely healthy. I've gone the opposite direction. You can't STOP looking for a partner, I can't imagine anyone sitting on the couch next to me. Except my daughter or my cat. The whole concept kind of freaks me out. But I'm ok with that now. Truly, I believe I need about 5 years sober before I'll consider taking another hostage...I mean, having another relationship
But each day is a new day. Today I think I'll sit with my cat.Hang in there. You have plenty of time.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
I doubt your romantic life is over wildflower
For years I looked to people to complete me, if not fix me - I was a very needy partner. All my validation was external.
That meant that, even tho I was a good guy, my relationships never lasted long...
or they were doomed from the start because Miss Right was more often than not Miss Right There.
When I got into recovery I hadn't been in relationship for a long time - I was drinking all day everyday - no room for another person in that.
I began to work on myself as the real me began to emerge again.
It took a little while, but I learned I wasn't as bad as my addiction had told me I was and that rather than being terrified of my own company I kinda liked it.
I finally got some internal validation. some peace and some happiness from life - and it wasn't dependent on someone else.
When someone did come along, all that work made all the difference in the relationship I've had since those days - going on 10 years now.
I'm sure there are good things ahead for you too wildflower - but take some time out to focus on you first
D
For years I looked to people to complete me, if not fix me - I was a very needy partner. All my validation was external.
That meant that, even tho I was a good guy, my relationships never lasted long...
or they were doomed from the start because Miss Right was more often than not Miss Right There.
When I got into recovery I hadn't been in relationship for a long time - I was drinking all day everyday - no room for another person in that.
I began to work on myself as the real me began to emerge again.
It took a little while, but I learned I wasn't as bad as my addiction had told me I was and that rather than being terrified of my own company I kinda liked it.
I finally got some internal validation. some peace and some happiness from life - and it wasn't dependent on someone else.
When someone did come along, all that work made all the difference in the relationship I've had since those days - going on 10 years now.
I'm sure there are good things ahead for you too wildflower - but take some time out to focus on you first
D
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,036
Hi Wildflower,
Glad to here you are sober today, and very glad you checked in. The advice about focusing on you and getting healthy both physically, and emotionally is very wise. The intimate piece will fall into place once you start to feel more confident and secure.
Do you have a counselor?
Glad to here you are sober today, and very glad you checked in. The advice about focusing on you and getting healthy both physically, and emotionally is very wise. The intimate piece will fall into place once you start to feel more confident and secure.
Do you have a counselor?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by wildflower70
Ladies, how long did it take before you were able to have a healthy intimate relationship, sober. I have never done it, and I'm afraid I won't ever be able to...that means living the rest of my life alone. At 47, that's a long, lonely road.
seems the fear of life still in this current relationship is more important.
im 50,single and LOVE it.
because i learned to love myself. not avoiding a relationship,its just not necessary.
because i love myself.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,468
LEAVE HIM!
Focus on YOU and YOUR sobriety. Dont give into a man for a year, build up some sober YOU time and get to the root of who you are, what your boundaries are and go from there. Maybe a co-dependency forum will be helpful as well!
Blessings & honest tough love
Focus on YOU and YOUR sobriety. Dont give into a man for a year, build up some sober YOU time and get to the root of who you are, what your boundaries are and go from there. Maybe a co-dependency forum will be helpful as well!
Blessings & honest tough love
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Location: Plymouth, MI
Posts: 147
Originally Posted by wildflower70
Hi guys,
I posted in another thread...but I need immediate help...
This is getting bad guys.........he tells me he wants me " sober", but yet he tells me to drink more so I am 'friskey"...this is borderline sick, I have told him I have a drinking problem, and I should just be....But he is willing to put my life in jeopardy so I can please him sexually. I need some serious advice...this has been a major cause of relapse for many years...me needing to drink to be intimate, and the men in my life telling me to drink so I can be relaxed enough to please them. Oh god...i need to talk about this....please don't be offended SR...
I posted in another thread...but I need immediate help...
This is getting bad guys.........he tells me he wants me " sober", but yet he tells me to drink more so I am 'friskey"...this is borderline sick, I have told him I have a drinking problem, and I should just be....But he is willing to put my life in jeopardy so I can please him sexually. I need some serious advice...this has been a major cause of relapse for many years...me needing to drink to be intimate, and the men in my life telling me to drink so I can be relaxed enough to please them. Oh god...i need to talk about this....please don't be offended SR...
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
