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Girlfriend of alcoholic struggling to let go

Old 01-06-2018, 02:42 PM
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Girlfriend of alcoholic struggling to let go

New on here so please be gentle!!

I have been in a relationship with an alcoholic for a year now and honestly before all came out I thought this was it for life. I loved him and he loved me and after a load of terrible relationships I thought finally this was the one. After our third date I came home to my mom and said this is it I am going to marry this guy.

Bit of background: my dad was an alcoholic, my mom supported him and he continued to drink for years until he got diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer's disease and passed away a year and a half ago. So I am no stranger to alcaholism. I loved my dad more than anything in this world despite him letting me down so many times.
I always said I will never go through the pain of living with a drinking problem again but low and behold the love of my life now has the same issue.

I knew he had a drinking problem shortly after we moved in together but allowed things to unfold so that he could realise it himself as I knew there was no point in diagnosing him myself. Drinking a bottle of whiskey at 2pm on a Wednesday is not normal I don't care what anyone says.

I found myself going into the same routine as I did with my dad, despairing that he could not give up because "if he loves me he will choose me over the drink" and then feeling depressed that actually no he will continue to drink despite loving you.

I have left, moved back in with my mom and it's really hard. He said he knows he has a problem, he says he's going to fix it, but he doesn't. It's talk, talk, talk no action. I love him so much and all I want to do is take care of him but I've realised that me being there isn't helping so I broke up with him to look after myself. Now he is looking for any way he can to contact me and get me to still be there for him. He tells me he loves me and will make it better and will stop but I've heard it all before. I haven't eaten properly in weeks, I really need to take the time to look after myself but then he finds some way of getting to me and I feel terrible again.

I want to scream JUST DO IT stop talking about doing it. I'm holding out hope that he will give up drinking but that hope is dwindling. If he only gave up I would run back to him and we could be so happy. He says I'm the love of his life and he is the love of mine I couldn't imagine being with anyone else but alcahol is like the mistress in the relationship he can't seem to shift and it's breaking me.
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Old 01-06-2018, 02:52 PM
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Welcome Km

Sorry for your situation. being with an alcoholic is a battle. You've done the right thing so far by leaving. I would suggest getting to Al-anon. It will help you to understand alcoholism and co dependency. Your happiness and serenity is your priority.

I would set boundaries with him, don't contact me until he has been to so many AA meetings or has so many days sober. Never contact me if he is drinking. Remember you can't make him stop drinking just like you don't make him drink. It's his disease to deal with you don't have to enable it. Good luck
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Old 01-06-2018, 03:02 PM
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Thank you for your advice. I went to an alanon meeting last Wednesday and despite everyone's situation being a lot different to mine I found it really helpful so I'm definitely going to keep going. I think you're right about boundaries but I think I'll pass any contact through a mutual friend, if I contact him and discuss it with him myself I know I'll give in and fall into his arms again.
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Old 01-06-2018, 03:24 PM
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Originally Posted by Km3012 View Post
Thank you for your advice. I went to an alanon meeting last Wednesday and despite everyone's situation being a lot different to mine I found it really helpful so I'm definitely going to keep going. I think you're right about boundaries but I think I'll pass any contact through a mutual friend, if I contact him and discuss it with him myself I know I'll give in and fall into his arms again.
Having all contact go through a friend is a boundary. The healthiest would be to sever all contact. Recovery programs need more attention than once a week. And while there ignore the differences in their stories but identify with the similarities. You'll be amazed at how many lived similar lives to you.
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Old 01-06-2018, 03:30 PM
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Hi, Km.
Welcome.
You are doing the right thing.
You don’t state your age, but I sense you are in your 20’s, maybe?
No one should shackle themselves to an active alcohol addict who shows no signs of quitting, no matter what their ages might be.
Good luck and good thoughts..
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Old 01-06-2018, 03:39 PM
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Welcome, and I'm glad that you decided to move out and take care of yourself. That's the best thing you can do right now.
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Old 01-06-2018, 03:44 PM
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Best to go no contact and hope he decides to get sober. No sense in you wasting your life hoping he'll come to his senses. Let go or be dragged.

I'm glad AlAnon is helpful for you. You can use all the support you can get.
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