ashley12

I have always wanted to write something on here but thought no..things will get better. I am the girlfriend of an alcoholic. We have been in each others lives for 6 years. Our relationship started off like a dream in my eyes, we instantly connected and fell for each other. He was an amazing football player with tons of scholarships to play at colleges. I even met all his family and everything seemed amazing, I knew this was the man I was going to spend my life with. No doubt. We did drink together in the beginning of the relationship, but not heavily. Over time I noticed he would drink excessively, and act a fool. But, I thought hey we are young he's just not focused we will get past this. But..things started to get complicated.. soon I found out I was pregnant. I was extremely worried because the man I fell in love with wasn't the same person anymore, he became distant because I didn't want to be around his behavior. He was drinking almost everyday at this point and would hide in his room and not want to come out or be around anyone sober.. he seemed depressed and sad most of the time and it hurt me so bad to see someone I love feel that way. I went through the pregnancy by myself, he was living in with people and drinking everyday..then eventually would get kicked out and find a new place to live and drink. It was an extremely stressful time of my life, I felt like I meant nothing. I didn't understand the addiction though, I just thought he didn't care at all.. The day of my delivery with our child he showed up late and high and drunk..and my parents had him leave the hospital immediately, especially since I was having an emergency c-section at that point. That broke my heart..more time went by, he continued to do the same stuff and I was alone raising our child. He would tell me he loves me and wants to be there for us..and I held on. And I felt so stupid and even writing this makes me wonder why I decided to allow that then. But, what we shared together felt so special and I wanted to help him, I thought I could make him change and help turn his life around..but little did I know things were about to get even worse. He was out of his mind..drinking everyday..he would steal alcohol from his parents house or even walk out with a bottle of wine in a store, he would pawn things to get money so he would get alcohol..everything literally revolved around drinking. He would tell me he was going to stop and didn't want to live this way but then continued to do the same stuff..it was let down after let down. I eventually found out he wasn't faithful either..he messed around on me for a long time. But once again..within time I took him back..so I guess I was part of the problem. He was in and out of jail for 5 years..for drunk driving, being drunk in public, trespassing, driving drunk, burglary, dui...the list keeps going on and on. He would always tell me please hang on please don't leave me your all I got..i felt bad for him even though I was so mad at him and so hurt. How could I be there for someone that doesn't take care of or contribute to our child, or even make an effort to try for our family..I felt so stuck and I wanted to move on but was afraid too..I felt so lost for so long..but I know I still loved him. It's crazy how you can love someone even after all the crap you go through. I eventually told him i cant do this anymore until he stops drinking all together..because he is amazing when he is sober. Thats the person i fell for. Anyways, he currently served 9 months of jail time..and is now in a rehab facility which he needs to stay in for 6 months. He has already done 3 months. The counselors say he has messed up a couple times in there, but is doing good for the most part. He sends me letters telling me he loves me and misses me, and we have completed 2 therapy sessions with a counselor at the rehab. Its just really hard for me...I know the love is there but sometimes I don't know how I could move forward with someone that has done this to me and also our child..I feel abandoned. But at the same time i realize alcoholism is a disease..so does that mean all those things he's done wasn't really him...idk im just so hurt and I don't know how to move past this. I can't lie there's days where I just want to move forward with my life..but being away from him makes me miss him. He is starting to look healthier again in rehab.. and when I'm around him I still feel a spark..but then I take a step back and realize that it has to be more then just that. He tells me he is changing in there, and feeling happy, and he really wants one last chance to make it work. And I am so scared to let him back in again...I have heard those words so many times. But now he is in rehab..and im just not sure what to believe? Is this really him or is he going to be the same as soon as he gets out? ..i just don't know. Please if any of you have been through this let me know what your situation was like if it was anything similar to mine..and what did you do? I want to be smart..and make the best choice especially knowing we have a child. I have never exposed my child to his behavior..he just thinks his daddy is away at work. I don't know what else to tell him, but he rarely asks since his dad hasn't been around. We live in a single family home in a great neighborhood, and he also is in school and loves it. My child is my happiness..but there's days I want his dad with us. Please help me find some hope or strength in this situation. Thank you guys for reading this it means so much.

ChloeRose63

Glad you found us. You will get alot of support here. Educating yourself on the disease of alcoholism will help you better understand the behaviors of an alcoholic. Do you attend any Al-Anon meetings where you can meet people who are in a relationship with an addict? It will also help you with understanding co-dependency. It is great that you are seeking help. The more you know the better decisions you will make. Stay with us!♡CR

Ghoster18

Hi Ashley
I was in a rehab as long ago as 2001
At the time I was married
I would get some clarity dry out and feel hope but for me I couldn't make it stick.
That relationship failed I'm glad to say we are still friends in spite of my difficulties.
Fast forward to today.. This is only my experience I'm sharing with you no one elses!
I have a near 9 year old son
When he was a baby this disease separated us his mother went through hell and back!
I joined 12 steps in 2009 got a sponsor started to go through the 12 steps I was improving but couldn't stay continuously sober but for me the fact that i was somehow improving was such a miracle I lived like that for the next 8 years.
My son was 're united with me his grandma my sister and her boys and we were doing good but i wasnt making it on the inside.
Slowly slowly things fell apart.
I haven't seen him since April
I'm not a bad Dad I never drink when he stays with me. It's only every other weekend when he stays and he loves it!
But nevertheless I can't sustain my problem and live strong as a focused healthy man!

For me now
I need healthy me time
Recovery comes first
No B.S. promises to my loved ones which I never keep! I sincerely mean them at the time but they have never been honoured!
I accept as a grown up the crappy consequences of my addiction!
I accept now I have to blow the doors off the comfort needy drinking zone that I've been hiding in and step up to the plate as a single man.
It hurrrrts like hell right now for me to take responsibility for where this illness has progressed and what pain it has caused.
It is a case through gritted teeth sometimes
Of
Thy will not mine be done.
We addicts and alcoholics are as it stAtes in the
Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book...
Extreme cases of self will run riot!
That will for me now has to be channelled into a daily sober action program.
Then and only then in Gods time will I get back in my life what is important to me.
Tough love
Or repetitive torture.
That's my experience
God bless you x

Red78

Hi Ashley, I'm sorry for what brings you here to SR. My first instinct in reading your post is to tell you to cut your ties and let him go, that you are holding onto false hope, he has hurt you so many times why would you want to risk that happening again. However, I think that Chloe is right, check out Al-Anon which is a support network for friends and family of addicts. There is also the friends and family section on this site that could help.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/

1 question I would like to ask - Is he in rehab on his own accord or is it court ordered? I found with myself that whenever someone wanted me to be sober it didn't work, I would hold resentment and eventually go back to drinking, it has only been when I have been ready to quit that I have done so, for myself and not for someone else.
I really hope that you find some peace in your situation Ashley.

ashley12

Red78 he was court ordered for the rehab technically. They judge told him he could either stay in jail and serve the time or he could go to rehab facility for 6 months because his charges were related to drinking. I just feel like I hold on to so much hope when it comes to him...its been so long since I've seen the person I first met that he feels dead now. It's just sad honestly. I'm trying to find ways to be happy. But, no I've never been to an al-anon meeting..I've always been scared to tell my story because I wasn't sure what kind of feedback I would get. But I truly appreciate you commenting back, made my day ! <3

ashley12

Thank you for sharing your story especially from someone who battled with alcohol addiction themselves. It gave me a lot of insight. God bless you and thank you for replying Ghoster18.

ashley12

Thank you for replying ChloeRose. Truly appreciate it, I honestly wasn't sure if I would get any replies so this has made my night. I haven't felt this kind of support in awhile <3

least

I too would recommend AlAnon for support for yourself. Addiction is hard on the addict's loved ones. It's a very selfish affliction.

Red78

I've never been to Al-Anon but I can almost guarantee you that your story will be similar to many there.
I remember an old boyfriend telling me once that he loved his girlfriend but he hated the wine.. I never gave a **** because the drinking was more important to me at the time and I was thinking from an addicts point of view, selfishness - don't stop me from doing something I want to do even if it does hurt you. But also the addiction is so strong that it is hard to stay away from, it goes from wanting to needing and once you need it, it becomes this constant battle, everything inside you screams to have that drink and even when you haven't yet become physically addicted to it.

Being a court appointed thing also means he hasn't made the choice to go on his own accord, and that doesn't mean that he wont stay sober once out but I would be weary if I was you as there is a chance that he will go back to the drinking if he wasn't ready to give it up in the 1st place - sorry if I sound less than optimistic but there is this reality to the situation having being an addict myself.
Maybe you could give him time and space to prove his sobriety before you enter back into a relationship with him?