Cubs91

I need help. Let me start by saying I have never posted to an online forum before other than Facebook but I didn't know where else to turn. I'm 26 and my husband is 29 we have been together for 3 years married for 2 and we have a beautiful 18 mo old daughter together. I first learned of my husbands drug addiction when he seized in our locked bathroom when I was 8 months pregnant. We rushed him to the ER and that was when my water broke, due to stress obviously. He later told me he had taken 20 Tramadol pills a day for days. I was completely shocked, heartbroken and confused - his parents also told him not to tell me!! I mention this because they live right down the road and he is quite dependent on them still. They too are dependent on opiates. Anyway, he goes to a Suboxone clinic 2 hours from where we live and I know he has to test each month or he is dropped from the program but I know he knows how to get around the system as he has taken his dads pills and still wasnt dropped. Anyway, his behavior has been extremely different almost like he's a different person and he says it's from the fights that we have and he also thinks I'm cheating on him. He says I'm manipulating and he can't trust me, that he doesn't love me anymore and doesn't want to be married. He said he's clean and I'm the problem, I'm the crazy one. I found out that he has been taking way too much Suboxone as he was prescribed 75 strips takes 2.5 a day filled on 12/9 he was out on 1/1. He claims someone stole them out of his wallet at work but I don't believe him. I feel like I'm going crazy. I feel like I am crazy or have some sort of personality disorder like he says. I want to work things out for our daughter and for us but Im beginning to lose all hope. I have tried being the bigger person and praying but I get so down. I also bought a hair test and asked him if he would take it willingly but he says "I'm not taking it without a court order and I'm not giving you the satisfaction" which just makes everything worse. He won't leave the house until I stop threatening him with the fact that if he doesn't get clean, I will seek sole custody of our girl. I tell him that's reality and that I don't want to do that but she is my child. I tell him to call a lawyer because that's what you do if someone is threatening you with custody of your child but he won't. He says everyday that he will but never does. I have called an attorney but we also don't have the money. I have also scheduled counselling for myself. Ive worked in healthcare for ten years. Yes, ten. I know how important it is to stay healthy. Please, I'm welcome to any advice for me and my family. I love them so much. Thank you!

Maudcat

Hi, Cubs.
Welcome. Glad you found us.
Yah, something’s up.
What is the best thing for you and your daughter?
If I were asked that question, I would answer, “leaving” but I know it’s not that easy.
Keep posting. You will find lots of support here.
Peace and good thoughts.

Dee74

Hi Cubs - I have no experience to share but I know others will.

I'm sorry thats happening to you but this is a place of great support and good advice, both here in Newcomers forum and our Family and Friends section too

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/#friends-family

D

soberandhonest

Hi Cubs: I'm sorry that you are going through this. I would definitely follow Dee's suggestion and post this on the friends and family forum - you will find lots of people there who have been through similar experiences. Al Anon would also be something you should look into. Good luck to you and your little girl.

PalmerSage

Hi Cubs, this sounds absolutely awful. I'm so sorry you're going through it, but your commitment to doing what is best for your daughter is admirable. I truly hope you have a support system, because your husband's addiction PLUS his parents' is seriously daunting. Best of luck to you.

Cubs91

Wow, you guys are awesome! Thank you so much for your replies. You have already given me some peace of mind. I am so grateful! I did clip his hair this morning while he was still sleeping and I'm sending it off today.

scarly

Um....well...THAT could be a problem. I know you just want to know the truth...but he will definitely take that as an invasion of his privacy. ( and it kinda is ).....just be ready for a huge fight when you divulge that you've done that. The fight will be even bigger if the test comes back positive. Us addicts (if we are not ready to admit it or arent ready to seek help....or just plain dont believe we have a problem).....Us addicts will go into "protect" mode. We will go to any length to protect our alcohol or our drug intake. Denial is a huge thing with us. He WILL blow up when you tell him you've done this. Just my opinion and experience..... Good luck.....I will pray for your family...

DreamCatcher17

Welcome, I am so sorry you are here under these circumstances.

I would suggest to stop giving him empty threats and give him actions. Your daughter doesn't need to be in that kind of environment and he needs to get sober, it totally sounds like he isn't. He is expressing typical addict behavior, by blaming you for everything and making you feel crazy. That is no way to live.
I know that all is very hard to do, but you have to think about you and your daughter, he is a grown man and can deal with the consequences of his actions.

I wish you the best, again all of that is a suggestion of what I would do if I were in that situation. You are free to do as you please.

Blessings,
DC

biminiblue

Oh, gosh. Well, you already know he's using again. Always trust your gut.

I would not tell him the results of this hair test, no matter which way it goes. That's a pretty big violation, in my opinion. I mean, I understand you want proof - but you already know what you know.

Can you call a domestic violence number for support? His emotional abuse would definitely qualify you and they will know how to help you find legal and financial help.

scarly

I would heed this advice if I were in your situation. You DO already know he is using again. I mean....come on.."someone went into my wallet at work and stole it".... Please... Just know that we addicts and alcoholics (in active addictions) ... will lie right to the faces of loved ones..... at the drop of a hat. I wouldnt sent the hair off.....but if you already have.... I would just take the results and keep them to myself. If they are positive....use that information FOR YOU and what you are going to do next....not use it to confront him. Thats a very dark alley you probably dont want to wander down....

ChloeRose63

Trust your instincts. He is using. You are not the problem. Addicts blame everything on others. Addicts cannot handle the truth nor tell the truth. You have to think only of yourself and your child right now. He isn't going to change but, his disease will get progressively worse and so will your situation. Try to get to a meeting like Nar-Anon for support and information on how to take care of yourself and baby. You cannot raise a child with a addict. It will be distructive. Best to start making a plan for your future.

Cubs91

He found the package and ran down the street, called the cops and had them separate us for the day. He tried to make me out to be crazy. I don't know what to do.

tekink

Let the cops know he's a junky so they can properly deal with the situation.

Cubs91

I tried calling the answers were to seek an attorney.

Cubs91

I did let the cops know but because he is in a recovery program, they did not do anything about it.

Cubs91

Part of me thinks what if I am wrong? What if he is really clean and it is me? I just want to know I have to know...please if some former or current addicts can comment. If he was clean wouldn't he just let it be sent off? I feel like if I had the addiction I would put it in the mail myself.

biminiblue

People do stuff for their own reasons. If he doesn't want to voluntarily submit a drug screen test, you have to respect that boundary. It's not up to you to cut his hair without his knowledge and send it off. I would probably act the same way, regardless if I were "clean" or not.

This is just straight-up control and co-dependency and it's not good for either one of you. Both of you are over-the-top with this drama and enmeshed behavior.

If you're not happy, split up. If he doesn't want to do a drug screen so be it. You have plenty of reasons to leave if that's what you want to do. This - him being clean today - is not the only thing wrong in this relationship.

I'm an alcoholic in recovery. If someone did that to me (cut off my hair while I slept) I would be really mad.

scarly

If actually.... literally "ran down the street" with the package then....well...that's addict behavior. The issue here is this: you can't forcibly FIX a relationship if both parties aren't for it. I know you want to fix it for the betterment of your daughter but trust me.....it's worse for her if her parents are in a broken marriage. From what you've told us....my money is on ..."he's using drugs still". You know it. You don't need a hair test to prove it. Hair tests go back a long way. If it came back positive....I guarantee his next lie will be ...."honey, that's from my using a long time ago"..... You will never get the admission you're looking for. Not as long as he is actively using. Start the process of getting out now....at least for the time being....

FreeOwl

Do whatever it takes to get yourself and your daughter safe and clear of him until he’s turned it around.

Whatever it takes.

You asked for advice, so that’s what I have for you.

I am sorry for your situation.

SparkleKitty

Cubs, what will knowing for sure whether or not he is using do for you? Either he is using and you are right and that explains the unacceptable behavior, or he isn't using and his behavior is simply unacceptable.

Unacceptable is unacceptable, whatever the reason. I know everything would seem a lot easier if he would just get his act together and be the person you wish he was, but waiting for that to happen puts all of the power over your life and your baby's life in the hands of someone who is behaving terribly, inconsistently and selfishly.

Your daughter needs at least one stable parent who is putting her needs and safety above everything else. Can you be that for her?