WIwoman

On Day 3. Some of you may have seen my first post on Tuesday. Rock bottom.

Long story short, I was dating a really stand up guy who called me out on my drinking on 12/22. He is a very moderate drinker with no issues so my overuse was obvious to him. I called and texted him during the night of 1/1 and said absolutely bizarre and mean things. That, combined with my criminal hit and run behavior, made him decide enough was enough.

I am heartbroken beyond belief. We had a great relationship, were moving forward, made future plans. He said he can't do this anymore and cut off all contact. I asked for another chance and said I was committed to sobriety but he doesn't believe me.

Is his reaction harsh considering it was 9 days after he first said something to me about my alcohol use? If I really showed I was serious about recovery, would he give me another chance? How do I deal with this? I hate myself enough for becoming a alcoholic mess, this rejection on top of it is crushing me.

least

I'd give yourself time to get used to living sober. If there's any reconciliation, let it happen in its own time. Give him space and work on your recovery.

ScottFromWI

It's certainly possible WLwoman, but only time will tell. Focus on the things you can control - like staying sober. The choices you make today will go a long way in what happens down the road. You can't control other people's thoughts of course, so don't beat yourself up trying to wonder what he might think or do.

As far as how you deal with it, there's a lot of ways. Since getting and staying sober is your best way out of this, I'd focus on that. Coming here to SR to ask for help is a great start - have you considered taking on a formal recovery plan like meetings or some kind of self-paced recovery? Setting aside time to do work on your recovery is the best medicine you can get.

Anna

I think you must listen to him and respect his boundary of cutting off contact.

Use the time and opportunity to focus on you and on recovery. Spend some time with yourself learning how to live a sober life. I know you are in pain due to the breakup, but have faith that things are working out as they should.

Nonsensical

Congrats on 3 days WIWoman!!!!

BlownOne

The decisions we make and the actions we take while under the influence of alcohol can and often times do have painful and permanent consequences. For me, I realized that it was no one's fault but my own and that there was no one to blame but the person in the mirror. No one is obligated to give me another chance. Life doesn't work that way. BUT...I've also come to understand that if I stay sober and keep working toward a more quality recovery every day, I'll never have to go thru that again. Things I don't like may happen, but they won't be the result of my drunken stupidity.

Lonewolf22

I got dumped before Christmas too. I seen it coming for a while. I thought I could help myself and I'd keep saying that just give me a bit longer, and a week turned into months.
I was obviously upset but I think the burden of trying to maintain someone's trust whilst dealing with alcohol problems is so taxing. So in a way it was a relief for me because I know now I can think about myself and not worrying about hurting someone close to me.
I didn't see it as a rejection I just seen it as a practical and the obvious thing to happen.

I still get concerned, not being able to be there for her and not knowing how she is doing but I have to accept there is nothing I can do about that.

It is another reason to keep me motivated to stop the drink too because I don't want to keep meeting someone then bonding, only to disappoint or hurt, then struggle keep relationship only to break up inevitably. It's exhausting.

I wouldn't like to suggest what you do but just thought if I tell you my own similar experience you can find at least a little comfort.

All the best

VigilanceNow

WIWoman, I absolutely know how that feels. You're still newly sober, so the anxiety you're experiencing is compounding the effect of this. I've been there many times (and drank over it plenty of times -- don't do it!!). Although he only recently voiced his disapproval/concern, I'm sure he has been well aware of it for a while and has been stewing and/or coming to a decision about what to do. It may seem unfair, but it's also unfair to expect constant forgiveness. That actually fueled my alcoholism because it somehow reinforced my desire to have things be "ok" even when they weren't. Declaring your commitment to sobriety isn't enough for you or for him. You should seek out a solid program, but do it for you; expecting that to be the ticket to earning his trust back will be disastrous.

Most addicts have codependency issues, so try to occupy yourself with sober activities and respect his boundaries. It's more important that you get healthy and happy. Whether or not he comes back is irrelevant right now. I know it's hard to hear, but it will be worth it in the long run to pour your energy - negative or positive - into a sober program!!

Lonewolf22

Ha, I've just noticed the idiocy of me worrying about a previous partner and hoping she was OK as if she was so happy when she was with me *slaps self on head*

She's probably doing cartwheels right now!

Done4today

First off, Congrats on 3 days sober, We all started at one and built on it.

I am going to preface this by saying I am not trying to be mean or harsh. Just pointing out reality of a situation.

He called you out on drinking on the 22nd, you only have 3 days sober now. How does this show him you're serious about recovery? When he called you out it wasn't the first time he had an issue with your drinking it was the proverbial straw that broke the camels back.

As for the "good relationship", I have been in similar relationships. Both sides of the coin, the one where I was the active alcoholic was a good relationship for me. When she was the active one and I was in recovery, it was hell. Don't get me wrong I loved her and wanted to be with her, but in the end I had to let her go because my sobriety, sanity and happiness comes first.

I hope you find a recovery program that you can jump into with both feet and hold on for dear life. Because this disease is progressive and not kind. Once you get sober and stability in your life, then you will see if you and bf are truly good for one another. All this craziness running through your mind daily right now will go away with sobriety and time. The pending turmoil in the past is done and can't be undone. You'll have to face whatever consequences come but you can't let the unknown cause you to drink more and dig yourself into a deeper hole.

We love you here at SR and we want you to love yourself completely with your flaws. And once you accept that your alcoholism wasn't your choice then you can work on the recovery. Not one person on this forum or in the world wanted to be alcoholic, but once we know that we are we have a solution. Now you are responsible to work the solution so you can have a happy joyous life. No time is better than now to start this life changing process.

hopeful4

I presume that you were drinking on 1-1 after he had already called you out, so not, it's not harsh.

The best thing you can do right now is focus on your own recovery, and be well.

noturningback2

I'm so sorry you are so upset right now. Unfortunately until you are out of the cycle its very hard to see the perspective of our loved ones. He called you out on it, and no doubt it took him some time observing the drinking to do that, and if it was a great relationship, was a hard thing to do for him. It clearly reached a point where something had to be said which indicates the relationship wasn't as great for him, as it was for you. Then a few days later you are texting him and calling him drunk and being unkind and behaving erratically. So I guess I would have to saw no, he isn't being harsh, he isnt willing to waste more time on a future he doesn't see happiness in.

Its a tough thing to be accountable for ourselves after our drinking starts racking up consequences. But that's what we have to be, and again I am not judging, I had some of my own to face up to.

I don't know if you can work this out, but maybe in time when he sees the progress you have made if you continue to be sober, there is a chance. Or maybe in sobriety you may find the relationship wasn't quite as wonderful as you thought. It is out of your control, but your sobriety is 100% in your control, I'm so sorry for the heartache, I truly am, but please take this as a huge wake up call to get sober forever, so you don't have to go through this again. good luck

Dee74

I'm sorry you were dumped WIwoman but harsh or not, he's made a decision and I think you need to abide by that for now.

Get sober and stay that way - not so he'll come back to you,. but because it's the best way for you to be.

If this relationship is meant to be it will be - if not, there's something better up ahead...but for now? focus on YOU

D

JustTony

A general observation....

When we abuse ourselves so badly with alcohol, we are not in love with ourselves or our life. We can't be. So is it so surprising that other people find it hard to love us too?

I think recovery is about learning to love our life and the fantastic role we play within it. Our enthusiasm to see, share and experience the beauty all around us - and to live to our absolute potential - ensures that people will eventually gravitate towards us.

Enthusiasm, positivity, self respect, purpose and direction are infectious. If we want others to love, like and respect us, then we need to feel that way about ourselves and act consistently and accordingly.

Regards,

JT

DontRemember

Breakups suck sober or actively drinking..They just do. All the responses are spot on as well. I'm not trying to be mean when I say this,but drinking forced his hand here and your drinking will 100% not bring him back. I 'let' a breakup lead me a bit further down the hole a couple years ago because, at the time I didn't want to realize that our drinking was the problem. We reconciled and then as someone above said; I got sober and she didn't, so I ended it. Once sober I realized I hadn't been happy for years with her. Especially not happy with the pair of drunks we had become.

Cappy76

Would he cut off all contact if you had cancer or diabetes? He is probably not worth it then if he dumps you because you have an illness.

WIwoman

Thank you all for your kind words. I appreciate it so much. I hurt so bad. I feel like it's never going to be ok. I know you are all right in what you are saying. I just dont think I am ever going to be ok. And I don't think I am ever going to get sober. I wish I would fall asleep and never wake up again.

Dee74

I think you need to give sobriety a change wiwoman - after all, you drank for years right?

Look around at all the happy sober people here. You can have that too - absolutely

D

Done4today

Most of us felt that way too. There is a beautiful life waiting for you when you get sober. Just don't drink!!!

Nowsthetime

Hello:

Please don’t speak to yourself like this, it’s all AV! Start building a plan and educating yourself by reading here and rely on us. We are here to support you!