Red78

I have been with my partner for just over 4 years and I have severe trust issues with him. Everything was ok until about a year and a half into the relationship when it kinda suddenly came into my awareness that he was chatting to lots of girls online that I had no idea about. Some girls he was chatting to everyday for months on end without even mentioning this too me, swapping numbers arranging to meet up etc, I have no idea if he ever did. This wrecked me emotionally and he would just get angry with me when I bought it up. I discovered the majority of it through snooping, bad I know. I struggled for a long time and was quite jealous, which is not my normal behaviour.
Maybe a year on I discovered he had msg a girl he was seeing before me, swapped phone numbers and arranged to met up but he never told me, I found the msg, when asked he just said she was an old friend which was a lie as I had found all the old msg and photos etc.
Now today he is doing a road trip to pick up a car and said he might met up with an old mate, a female, which was fine I've heard all about this person but never met them. I facebook stalked her and it turns out she is someone he used to be very very friendly with, if you get what I mean, and for a long time. I feel betrayed, like I am shaking, I don't think for a second that my partner would cheat on me but I value honestly above anything else and he never told me that this girl was an old bed friend. Am I wrong for being upset? As a partner who helps raise someone elses children 7 days a week, do I not have a right to honesty? I have told my partner about my male friends that used to be ex boyfriends, I have never kept that secret from him.
how can I trust him to be honest with me!!!!
Right now I am struggling.. I sure could do with a very large glass of wine but know that I won't...

MyLittleHorsie

I would have serious issues with my husband doing similar. You have every right to be upset.

Please don't drink. Maybe indulge in some insane revenge fantasy... you need a calm head to deal with the emotions and him eventually.

entropy1964

Hmmm. I'm sorry you are in such a tangled communication process with your partner. Having to snoop, being jealous.....I'm sure it all messes with your head a lot.

What would 'cheating' be to you? I ask this because it sounds, based on your side of things, that that is exactly what is happening. To me cheating would be cultivating relationships with the opposite sex that are emotional and secret. Maybe there is no sex but I dunno. I would be having some serious boundary discussions about what is a no fly zone in a committed relationship.

I allow people to treat me the way they do. It's up to me to draw the line. Everything you describe would be seriously crossing the line.

least

I would also consider his behavior as 'cheating' since he's so secretive about it and lying.

Anna

Yes, I would call what is going on cheating, whether or not sex is involved. But, the snooping and stalking is not healthy behaviour either. It sounds like you don't trust this man and you feel the need to keep checking up on him to assure yourself things are okay. This is not a healthy relationship for you. What behaviour are you willing to accept in the relationship?

Red78

Thank you for your reply, I feel like I'm the crazy one and have always been made out to feel like that. We have had numerous discussions about this topic in the past and it normally ends in him getting angry and telling me I'm trying to squash him. I have asked him to be honest with me about these things several times in the past. I just don't understand why he doesn't feel he needs too.. It rips me apart.. I worked so hard to try and overcome all these jealousy feelings and start giving back some trust and now I feel its just been ripped away again.. I have given up my life to be with this person..

tekink

Being a guy and knowing a few guys that couldn't keep it in their pants at all the guy does sound like a cheat to me.

Red78

I am 40 years old and apart from an abusive relationship 20 years ago where my boyfriend cheated on me several times, this is the most insecure I have ever felt within myself. I have never been a jealous person with my partners, nor have I ever ever snooped on their messages, phones or computers until this relationship.
It is so unhealthy for me, I hate the way I feel and the person I have become, I feel trapped and totally co-dependant. It has eaten me away for a few years now and although he hasn't been chatting with anyone that i can see in the last 6 months, I still think about what has been every single day, it is constant in my head and although the feelings of jealousy lessen with time as soon as a deception or lack of honesty and truth arises it all comes flooding back in full force..

Red78

I once said to him about emotional cheating because thats how it felt and he just got angry with me. Maybe that's a sign that it is that.

AnvilheadII

I have given up my life to be with this person..

then it's time to take your life back.

Dee74

I'm sorry you're going though this red.

Certainly sounds like a lot of lying by omission going on, and where there are secrets, there usually lurks trouble of some kind or another.

Like others have said - is this what you want for your future?

D

Red78

Thank you dee for the support and also that phrase "lying by omission"
I have never been able to sum up in words when I am talking what it is because it technically isn't lying but that phrase sums it up.

And no it isn't what I want for my future.. 4 years ago I used to be a carefree traveller that owned nothing more than what was in my 75lt backpack, now I co-own a house(never wanted, felt pressured by my partner), am helping raise my partners children full time(never wanted kids), living in my home town that I said I would never move back too and all because I'm in love with someone. The only thing I have for me is my study and that is becoming a struggle as I'm working full time also as my partner earns too much money to get a student allowance plus he wouldn't be happy if I was earning less than I am now.

Sorry for the rant, I have a lot of frustration built up and if I don't release it I can't put it in a place it belongs which could lead to drinking and I can't have that..

Nic233

Hi Red, I'm sorry you're going through this. I went through similar with an ex..he suddenly started to lock his phone, take it with him for a shower and to bathrooms etc. I was only in a relationship with him about 10 months so not as emotionally invested as you obviously are, but it makes you second guess yourself as a person, and it starts to change who you are. I was also at the stage that I was trying to sneak a look at is phone during the night etc and I came to the conclusion that he wasn't bringing out the best in me either so I decided to walk. In my opinion without trust you really have nothing. Relationships on all levels are built on trust..
I agree with the others that he already seems to be cheating. It is definitely an emotional affair if he's holding information back, and people who have nothing to hide, hide nothing as they say. I wish you all the best sweet red. This is definitely not worth drinking over.. That won't solve these issues and will probably make you feel even worse. Hugs xx

Outonthetiles

Here's my two cents: he still carries a torch for her, but that doesn't necessarily mean that he's going to cheat. She may very have moved on with her life and is meeting with him to be polite.

MindfulMan

Typical narcissistic behavior. Accusing you of doing what HE's doing. Trying to isolate you and confuse you. Gaslighting, telling you YOU'RE the crazy and immoral one when it's clearly him.

I have only one piece of advice for dealing with people like this. Run away screaming if you can. Let him raise his own kids, or find a new victim.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but you can NEVER win with people like this.

You. Are. Not. Crazy.

JustTony

Hi Red,

I'm so sorry for your troubles.

Relating to the above excerpt from your OP above:

a) You know that this isn't 100% true? You DO think for more than a second that he could be cheating.

b) It really sounds (by the details that you have given) that he is cheating. It is utterly unacceptable to be messaging women behind your back and arranging to meet them without you knowing. His anger is an 'attack to defend' tactic that I've seen in many walks of life, on hundreds of occasions, when someone is wrong.

c) Telling you he is meeting one woman is another classic "well I did tell you" tactic. If they're nothing more than friends then why can't you tag along for a coffee with them some time? You know "'Jane, this is Red she is my new partner - Red this is Jane who I used to see a few years ago". I'm not saying he doesn't deserve friendships with the other gender that don't include you - but knowing you're so unsure about things then why not ease your worries with this olive branch?

d) PLEASE do not drink. Your sobriety, health and mental stability come first. Drinking would smash all that back to bits.

You

Are

Not

Crazy

Red78

Is gas lighting when you have a different opinion than someone and they get aggressive in tone and tell you that you are closed minded and if you can't for a second open your mind to agree with their opinion then they can't be in a relationship with you - when in truth its their opinion that appears to be quite closed minded?

It's funny that I can't admit or don't fully want to see that he could be like this as with time it has become less as I have learnt to keep my mouth shut and not cause conflict with my differing opinions.

The 1st time I gave up booze was June 2017, the reason I did so is because I had been intoxicated and we had had a fight and I was pretty sure I was not the bad one in the fight but it was a bit hazy as to how it all panned out, what I do know is that I was painted as the bad one as it is in every argument we have, it's always turned around and pointed at me, I thought that maybe it really was me that was crazy and abusive. When we fight I don't always remember everything that is said so I can never recall fully what actually happened. So I decided to stop drinking, it was driving me crazy. It turns out it isn't me but him, yes I have my part to play of course but I realised through being sober that it is him turning things around and upside down and putting words in my mouth.

Done4today

Hey Red,

Whether he is cheating or not, is this the type of relationship you want?

I know I want to be in a relationship that I feel secure in. I want to be with someone that we enjoy our time together being healthy and productive. Feeling insecure, unwanted and clinging is unhealthy.

I pray you get clarity.

Red78

Thanks JT such words of wisdom as always I see you give and don't worry its Day 20 and I'm drinking a ginger beer..
If he is sober I don't think he would physically cheat but drunk I can't comment, he has done some ****** things and said some very nasty things to me whilst drunk and is more likely to chat with girls online if drunk.. That is my trigger, him drinking and me not joining in, I worry that he will start chatting online again to women as his drinking buddy isn't there, it is to the point that I feel I could start drinking again given this situation just so it isn't a possibility.
Some of this stuff is old in terms of him chatting to girls and arranging to met up behind my back but finding out today about his friend he was going to meet up with that in reality was someone more than a friend bought all my fears and insecurities back with full force but more so because of the honesty point. I will never ever trust now when he tells me a girl is just his friend as this isn't the 1st time..

TYG2

De ja vu. Exact same s**t. I hear you. It's hell on Earth to be gaslighted. You feel so used, etc. Although it's been a long term relationship (mine was 3 3/4 years) it's so obvious he's a cheating liar that you gotta move on. He doesn't deserve a sensitive soul like you...If you love someone set them free and if they come back it's because other women saw right through his b.s. so let him go again.
If you're tired being a DOORMAT, GET up off the floor. Let Karma take care of him. There is no trust or love or relationship. Do not drink. You are the winner. I'll keep in touch.