recoverylady2

I recently talked with my sponsor about how now being sober allows you to have emotions & feelings & the ability to speak up for yourself (your beliefs, values, what you will tolerate, what you will not...).

I had a situation occur this past weekend (Saturday night) that is extremely still concerning me & as an alcoholic am still harboring & allowing it to stay in my head which is NEVER a good, right thing. I don't want it to cause me to relapse/drink over it. I ask for any of your thoughts/suggestions &/or opinions on this PLEASE....

I have been in a relationship (dating, fully committed) relationship of 8 months. I've been divorced 6 years (twin boys, 9 yrs old, joint custody). He was in a destructive, unhappy marriage (4 yrs spent sleeping on the couch) & his divorce was finalized 1 year ago (5 children, 22 yr old daughter (no longer living at home), 16 yr old son, 14 yr old daughter, 10 yr old son & 7 yr old son, sole custody-his ex has major substance abuse problems & actually has cut off the relationship with the 16 yr old son, 14 yr old daughter since they confronted her about her problems (out of concern, of course)). Our relationship has truly been wonderful. Even with all the moving parts, responsibilities, kids, family, friends & his music (lead singer, 2 bands), we still manage to make it work. We talk immensely every day-morning/afternoon & in the evening. We have 2 steady date nights a week & any other free time that pops up, we spend it together. I also have been introduced to his family & for now just his 2 oldest (16, 14), his sisters, his Mom, band mates, etc. I spend a lot of "girls' nights with is 14 yr old daughter & we both & he loves it, too-since she's never really had that ever with her Mom). I have introduced him to my family, as well. I've gone to 2 of his shows (again, a lead singer). So, bottom line...it's solid.

This past Saturday night, however, I was exposed to a side of him that I just wasn't truly aware of...his true, "music" side, let's just call it that. He is a vivacious, outgoing & sometimes flirty guy. I'm ok with that. I'm outgoing, talkative, too. His Mom & sisters came to the show, too. So it was great being able to hang out/talk with them. The night was going good. His band opened. This girl (married) did have the audacity to come up to me & say "your boyfriend is sooo hot." What do I say to that..."thanks?!." Anyways, he performed (opening band) & then after the show, the night changed. He did come up, I got him some water & told him what a great job he did. Then, he left & started to "work the room." I was introduced to some people (mostly guys) but he kind of made it a point to go up to groups of girls solo. He took many pictures with them, talked, flirted, etc. I was off on the sidelines watching all this, as I talked/hung out with his family. Maybe I should have gone & "worked the room", too or just kinda hung by him some but I just let him do his thing. Well, there was this older lady that was wearing these very holey jeans basically exposing her old, wrinkly ass. His sister, him & I (this is terrible, I know) thought it would be funny to get a pic of it. So, my boyfriend went to stand beside her. She was extremely intoxicated & proceeded to throw herself all over him & by that groupe, push her body against him, talk in his ear & rub his back, etc. His sister & I just stood there witnessing the whole thing. She could tell in my eyes, I'm sure, that I was upset (hurt) by this & not ok with it. He did proceed to break away from her & basically said "ugh, now I need a shower" & we all walked away to the main floor to continue watching the main act/band. Then, he just continued working the floor again. Honestly, I had to get away. I took my coat & purse & proceeded to go outside & sit on a bench to collect my feelings.

The OLD, most likely drunk me would have said something to that old, wrinkly lady's & his situation but I didn't. I don't want to repeat history. I don't want to display old patterns of behavior. I just completed my 4th Step & 5th Step (2 yrs in the program, too btw & he's been sober for 13 yrs). I needed to catch my breath & then was going to call my sponsor when he walked out. His sister actually said to him that she thought I might have left so that's why he came out because he didn't see me walk out. He could tell I was upset, thought I was calling an uber & wanted to talk about it. I said that I was fine & that we should go back in & finish the night & continue the night with his family. He kissed me & then kind of stayed by me a little while back inside & then went back to working the floor. I just couldn't believe all the stuff I witnessed & how basically I felt like I didn't even know him.

We went back to my house after & did end up talking. Basically, he was extremely apologetic, said he never would want to hurt me & that he cares too much about me & our relationship to let these be intrusive & that it's just a small piece of the make up of our whole relationship. He said this too about meeting his 2 little ones (10, 7-I'm ok with that & want him to introduce me when he feels they are ready & he's taking steps to make this happen). Anyways, I expressed to him that I didn't & won't talk about intimacies & intricacies of our relationship in public & that I want to talk through things but just need time to process everything before I say anything. Too many times in the past, I have & sometimes still do (not in this relationship) speak my feelings with no buffer & right away. It's NOT good & never turns out well. I also discussed with him that he should have gotten away from that lady, took her hand off her shoulder or whatever. I discussed what if roles were reversed. I talked & told him it was basically about respect, not only for our relationship but for my self & my own dignity. I've had guys hit on me & it's silly & stupid. I'm also not the jealous type & would never want him to change this part of him. It's his music, he loves it & I want to support it 100%. I just didn't know he was like this, I guess. We did clear up the whole situation. He now knows how I feel & I know how he does & that's most important. We also decided we don't want this to be/stay a thorn in our relationship. We have too many upcoming plans, too much to continue learning about each other & a deep desire & care for each other.

But, I still feel different. I feel bad & shameful that I got so upset & walked out. His sister saw this & don't want her to think that I'm a silly, stupid or crazy person. He did tell her that we talked through it & she said that he just can't assume I know he's like this. She knows since she's seen it (been at many of his shows) throughout the years. I guess what it boils down to & that I need help with, is how to process all this & move forward.

Thank you for any/all of your thoughts & assistance.

biminiblue

Heh.

I've had band-boyfriends. This is the way it goes. I don't like it, and in the past I would just not go to their events because I knew what was happening. I think a lot of band life is like this.

I wouldn't get too upset about the older lady, that's just sad on her part. Ugh. Embarrassing.

I decided in the end - no more band guys or bartenders. It's a stereotype, but it's also a type. They get so much attention and I think it's hard for them to keep their ego in check with women virtually throwing themselves at these guys.

I guess like anything else, can you live with it? You can't change it.

biminiblue

Wait. You tagged this post as "Potential relapse."

It's definitely not worth drinking at.

He's gonna do what he's gonna do. Nothing you can do about it - you expressed your distaste, now you have to let it go. Think about something else. Maybe take some time away from him to process it.

I read a thing in an old Sue Grafton book this past summer and it stuck with me, "If you are going to keep seeing [her] you have to take her as she is. If you're going to break up, no sense causing a scene."

This is how band life is. How long have you been seeing him?

recoverylady2

Hi biminiblue-thank you so much for your thoughts, experience & advice. We have been together for 8 months now.

ChloeRose63

I have been in bands and have dated "hot" musicians. It is sometimes the way it goes. It is part of the performance. Those groupies don't mean anything. Don't get upset and please don't drink over it. You did right to express your feelings privately.

Maudcat

Hi, recoverylady.
Maybe, as well as being annoyed with his behavior with the drunk person, you’re not happy with your behavior and participation in making a joke of her?
Saying this gently: It was, imo, a rather cruel thing to do, and, without knowing you, I am going to say that you don’t sound like a cruel person, so maybe you’re wondering how it happened and how it could have been headed off if you had acted differently.
Whew. That’s a long sentence.
You and he havetalked. He has expressed remorse.
I would do my best to let it go.
I had a band boyfriend many years ago.
The relationship didn’t last long. I think band life is a little bit crazy, with the odd hours, incredible tightness with the rest of the band, and, of course, the alcohol and other substances that were always present.
With that band, anyway.
Peace.

Maudcat

I just reread your post.
Aside from the drunk person incident, do you feel he was being a bit too flirty with the women there?
I don’t know what to tell you on that one.
He knew you were there. He did what he did.
I’m assuming this is what he does. You just got to see it up close.

Hawkeye13

I have to agree with this--you sound like such a nice person
that perhaps in part you feel bad about your contribution
to the escalation of the problem?

Groupies are just a part of the listyle--I dated musicians, and this is what they do to keep a fan base, and sometimes just for pure ego gratification.

It isn't worth drinking over for sure.

It sounds like the jealousy may be more dangerous to the relationship
than the groupies, as other things seem to be going so well.

One suggestion I have is to not try to "manage" how he acts when
performing, before or after the show.
They really resent that--

Wishing you all the best.

biminiblue

I thought the same thing - and also, that older lady is a reminder of how badly we acted when under the influence...and where we are all headed if we keep drinking.

I recently saw an older lady at an event and she was all over the men. My first thought was, "Thank you that I got out of that before that was me." I felt bad for her, it was sad to watch. I am older too, but that just seemed such a horrible way to be - throwing herself on all these younger guys who were not interested and couldn't get away fast enough.

Maybe say a prayer for that lady.

recoverylady2

You all had such very good things to say & I sincerely appreciate it. I will take every single reply of yours to heart.

I do believe that there might truly be something underlying to making fun of her (although I really do swear I did not really mean it, so maybe that's it). I do need to realize this is for publicity purposes & groupies are just that...groupies. He wanted me at the show & I was & will always go, as long as I'm able (with my boys, other obligations, etc..). I do need to pray for that woman & you are so right in taking a step back & be grateful that that isn't me or in my ways of behaving or being any more. Honestly, this whole "music" thing/persona is just a very small piece of our relationship. He's not just in 2 bands. He runs a business & manages his commercial & residential properties. He just plays shows on the side (rehearses every week, which I'm totally fine with & support fully plus have my own things to do/scheduled on these days anyways). There is probably, at most, 1-2 shows per month, if that. Again, I love that music is something we can connect on-it's been a part of me my whole life & would never want to change that or that in him. I appreciate it & him way too much for that. The relationship is going very well & I think, if anything, we now know how each other feels about it/completely aware, we can move forward & then see what happens next...in the music scene & out of it.

You helped me reinforce that "I don't want to change my sobriety date"...thank you all again & blessings & happiness to each one of you!

Lonewolf22

I think you are maybe being too harsh on yourself. It seems like you don't want to be disappointed since things are looking up for you on all fronts at the moment and this encounter maybe seemed like a potential threat to this.
I think it is moments like these that can strengthen a relationship. You are just being honest with how you feel and maybe needed some reassurance, which he seemed to give? So good right? Lol

Lonewolf22

You are still in recovery, you won't react to everything perfectly by the way you are doing really great. I hope I can manage what you have done this year lol

Berrybean

Well, you've spoken to your sponsor which is good. I suppose the thing to do now would be to figure out what is going on inside of you that makes this situation go from an 'eughh!' And then forget about it event, to one that you keep replaying (re-sending) and causing yourself to feel in pain about (a fairly typical resentment situation).

You have behaved sensibly. Talked it through without drama, and discussed it with your sponsor, so you can feel good about that. One of the tools I use for this kind of situations is prayer. The resentment prayer (repeat application until stain has gone) and the humility prayer to help me figure out just what I need to let go of or move past in order to get rid of my resentment or fear. As I read the lists through the things that are causing me problems usually jump out at me, either making me feel a little embarrassed or sometimes angry and defensive. I can see a few in there that I might be left with if I'd been in your situation the other evening. Anyway. Might be worth a shot....

RESENTMENT PRAYER
God, I have a resentment towards X that I want to be free of.
So I am asking you to give X everything I want for myself.
Help me feel compassion; understanding and love for X.
I pray that X will receive everything they need.
Thankyou for your help and strength with this resentment.


HUMILITY PRAYER

God. I pray for your helping in detaching from the desire of being:
admired,
loved,
praised,
favoured,
accepted,
consulted,
well known,
and honoured.

I pray for your help in detaching from the fear of being:
Criticised,
ridiculed,
humiliated,
falsely accused,
persecuted,
disbelieved,
despised,
and forgotten.

Please grant me the grace to desire that others may be :
Admired more than I,
praised when I am unnoticed,
chosen though I may be set aside,
preferred to me,
and increase in prominence though I remain hidden.

Although others will do what they want, I pray that you will use me for your will.
I pray that I will pause, and while I pause help me to remember to pray for guidance and grant me the humility to find willingness and discard willfulness.

AMEN.


Hope you find some serenity regarding this soon.
BB

DontRemember

I agree that you handled the talk well. I was notorious(while drinking) for speaking my mind. What I was saying was whatever I thought/felt at that moment. Thus the regretful,hurtful,absolute nonsense I'd spwew without taking the time to process my thoughts. Hell..there was no processor.

That's the entertainment life no matter what size venue. Popularity of the group. The singer being male/female. Band members,ect..doesn't matter. I've seen it all. What I did notice is you said YOU thought it would make for a funny photo as well,then when things got out of control a bit you felt uncomfortable. Something to think about.

Red78

It's hard to watch if you aren't aware of someone's other side. I had this with my current partner but I won't go into it as this isn't my story. I will say it can be hard to deal with, you have to remain strong and confidant within yourself.
My previous boyfriend was a musician also and the woman loved him but so did the men but he never gave me anything to be jealous of as he showed me respect as he talked with people and "flirted" with people, to me that's the main thing is showing you respect at the same time as doing his music thing.

Dee74

I'm a muso.

There will always be folks at gigs who want to thank you congratulate you, be your best buddy or sometimes your new girlfriend.

Booze and music does that.

Someone in the band has to work the room too - it's a business like anything else.
I was never much good at that so I leave it to the other guys.

but...some guys (and gals) will go further. What happens at the gig stays at the gig kinda deal.

If you trust your bf is not that latter kind of guy, then there's really no problem.

If you're not sure or you're getting jealous, I really think it's something you and he need to sort out before things in your relationship go any further.

and yeah - don't make fun of drunk folks - apart from anything else (there but for the Grace of God, go I) things can turn nasty really quickly.

and, in the end, that old wrinkly lady is probably someones mum or grandma.

D

Maudcat

Thanks, Dee.
Well said.

recoverylady2

Red78-thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. Can I ask you & if you'd rather reply in a private message, I totally understand...sorry I'm newer to using this site on a regular basis...can you even private message? Anyways...could you share with me how your partner showed you this respect, while talking, flirting, etc...?

recoverylady2

Hi All-you inspired me to write this...I wanted to share it here, too...thank you all again..I can't do any of this without this kind of support!

Resurfacing
One of the things that I’m currently learning about myself is that I have a very complex capacity to overthink. I have tendencies to overthink a lot, probably way too much to be honest. I’m trying to learn to recognize when I’m doing so & seize it immediately. A lot of overanalyzing for me has been an avoidance to think about my feelings & about understanding myself & how or why this evasion is even existing in the first place.

For me, it is because I actually now have the ability to have, express, sense & genuinely feel my emotions, feelings & thoughts on everything & I mean everything-the good, the bad & the ugly. Yes, it is super exciting but it also is scary & overwhelming at times, too. I spent so, so many years burying them, keeping them to myself & possibly some of the times, or ok let me just face it, a lot of the times, pretending they don’t exist & developing & harboring resentments. Admittedly, there are some clear benefits to concealing some emotions, but there are also major costs. While it was & at times still necessary to keep certain emotions out of sight, it’s been harmful to try to keep them out of my mind & especially from others. Holding myself to the same standards in solitude, in silence & when I get stuck in my own head, I denied myself the permission to experience any wanted or unwanted emotions or to feel indecent feelings when I’m the only one in a room & know it is potentially very harmful to mine, as well as others well-beings. I went so many years thinking it was improper to display my anxiety, so I suppressed it. I began feeling that it was unacceptable to cry. I mean I even held in my tears when I was in the shower-where they can easily be washed down the drain so secretly & in doing so basically told myself this was something wrong & just not allowed. Then, came anger which made me bitter, hurtful & did not win, let alone keep, certain friends or other relationships. Over time, I lost my ability to express anger in solitude, too. I extinguished my anxiety, fear & anger & ultimately began to become numb & reject myself. It was also as if my emotional development stopped abruptly, became unable to grow as it should & ceased to even exist. I did not learn to deal with normal situations & every day parts of life. This started when I was I was growing up & then got more intensified as I got older. I, then, often times used complete avoidance coupled with drugs & alcohol as a means of escaping & then buried it all as if it never happened. These negative & destructive thoughts & behaviors ran through my mind, never shutting off, placing me on an endless, hopeless track.

So, I’ve learned that when I keep emotions in, when I suppress or repress, ignore or avoid them, or stop to utilize a buffer (aka…zip my lip), I pay a very steep price. Now, it’s all about the PAUSE & THINK for me in order to not do this & then get to & be in a safe, quiet, uninterrupted place. This provides a channel to allow me to express my emotions. It also has greatly helped having someone (& this someone that I can amazingly look at & into their eyes, speak freely, openly & honestly & above all never feel rushed with), as well as the others I’m so blessed to have who support me. They bring these out of me at the times I’m just not able to express them or begin holding them in due to fear or because I’m still too afraid to trust. They let me know its ok, though. I can now talk or give my best attempt to talk about my anxieties, beliefs, angers, fears, wariness or past in the presence of someone I have faith in or when I’m alone with just me, myself & I. Sometimes, I even allow myself to shed a tear or two of distress, sorrow or of pure, precious joy. In moving forward, I’m trying new things, being able to go back to the things I love (music, writing, reading, having meaningful, truthful conversations, being artsy-much thanks to Pinterest on this one, etc…), not being so rigid & routined, repairing past/present relationships & establishing new, important & cherished ones, living everyday life as best as I can, giving fully, sharing with & helping others, aiming consistently for milestones & goals-daily & future ones-but always being mindful of taking it “one day at a time”. I’m gaining valuable wisdom & the ability to handle situations, asking & taking help (although still extremely hard for me, I’m really trying) or to process hard spells & to navigate freely through the many good, happy times. I’m beginning to reveal things to build upon. I’m constantly being challenged, learning & growing. Growth truly provides the opportunity to walk on a much more unrestricted, peaceful, enjoyable, safer, healthier & solid path. I’m able to have & practice self-confidence again. I’m taking my fears head on, whether I like it or not or even with how incredibly uncomfortable it can be. I’ve asked myself honestly: If I don't believe in myself, how do I expect anybody else to? Honest questions do provide honest answers. I stay away from negativity as much as possible & bring on the positivity. Even when I’m totally not feeling it, I push myself & focus on the solutions, not hindrances & on making positive changes. I’m not accepting failure any longer. I do, however, allow myself to learn from it but drive myself to never give up because of it. I find the right resolutions or have others help me to find them. I aim for & work to encourage & inspire others, too.

I’m constantly taking a hard look at past behaviors, thoughts & actions. Now I observe, listen & learn. In the past, I completely disregarded them & continued to repeat them over & over & over. I truly believe you do need to remember the past, outcomes of behaviors in order to have the ability to reconstruct them. The richer my knowledge becomes & my awareness of these has & continues to provide me with new, needed skills to use & how to properly & appropriately integrate them into new forms of thinking & patterns of behavior. Behavior that allows me to express beliefs, ethics & encourage respectable actions. It is by this focus & consciousness that I can change. This shows me promise & provides me with strength.

It’s also about choices. I know that I can chose to make the good ones or chose to influence & then make the bad ones. If I don’t attend to the possible ramifications or consequences of these, I don’t attend to or see the value in choosing the best ones. I have to stay aware of these constantly, practice & work on them & always keep the readiness to learn active at all times.

I need to trudge forward & really learn to let things go. I can no longer create or maintain harmful, unhealthy thoughts. Perhaps this explains why I often attempt to hold onto my pain far beyond its ability to serve me. I replay past mistakes over & over again in my head which really only allows feelings of shame & regret to shape my actions in the here & now. I’ll catch myself clinging to frustration & worrying about the future, as if the act of fixation somehow gives me power. I hold stress in my mind & body & will accept that state of tension as the norm. I need to shift. I must to continue to believe & know that there will never be a time when life is simple. I have started to embrace that now completely. I do try to recognize all worry, shame & guilt. I identify these are & will remain to be the repercussions of all the negative thoughts & feelings I have unless I can release them from my grip & simply give up the battle. Instead, invite what I desire, imagine, visualize & fantasize what I’d love to have in its place. I truly believe in every moment there is a chance to let go & feel peaceful.

Somewhere, somehow I am finding it much, much easier now to remind myself of what an amazing, fortunate life my boys, animals & I are able to now have. I’ve been granted an amazing opportunity & the ability keep making it even better & even more exceptional. If, however, I do feel things starting to buckle or dwindle, I stop & look at all the wonderful things & people I’m surrounded & supported by now that continue to inspire me over & over again. They help me to create & keep lasting value.

Beginning today, I will stay humble & ever so grateful. I will continue on this great journey & resurfacing in this new, unlimited life & trust the magic in new beginnings. Blessings & Happiness, recoverylady2