Making amends
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Location: Dallas, Texas
Posts: 110
Making amends
When I was drinking I said some very hurtful things to my family which caused a huge riff. It was so uncharacteristic of me! The booze turned me into a Ms Hyde. Anyway they basically wrote me off. There is no communication at this point. I have tried to reach out to them but to no avail. I am persona non grata. I still feel the void and would like to make amends but the lack of communication makes it impossible. Any ideas about this? I need to do this for my own sake if nothing else.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
if we follow the amends process as written in the 12 steps, we make amends except when to do so would injure THEM or others.
your "person" is not allowing contact. end of story. we must learn to respect other's boundaries. there may be a time in the future, but for now, have clarity on what you wish to correct, and then make that part of your living skills.
the willingness to make amends is for US. the actual amends is to offer "repair" to the other person. we don't force our will upon anyone.
your "person" is not allowing contact. end of story. we must learn to respect other's boundaries. there may be a time in the future, but for now, have clarity on what you wish to correct, and then make that part of your living skills.
the willingness to make amends is for US. the actual amends is to offer "repair" to the other person. we don't force our will upon anyone.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Have you thought about AA? Reason I'm saying is the steps help lead you, with the guidance of a sponsor, to making amends with those you've hurt. And with making amends to yourself (a huge first step IMO). They help you break down how to make an amends, when to, when not to, etc etc.
I have one amends that is extremely complicated. It is to my brother who molested me when I was a child. I have no idea how to go about it, if I should, when I should. And frankly, not many can help me with this one. So I've decided to work on forgiving myself....because I blame myself, which is nuts because I was a small child. But I do. So frankly its like this big hot mess sitting in the middle of the living room and I keep walking around it. I guess what I'm saying is, amends can be really tough. But the ones where I screwed up? I drank, did stupid things, said stupid things, hurt people? I owned it. Admitted my wrong doing, had no expectations of the other person. "I wronged you". Period. But having a person to guide me was really important. Maybe consider it.
I have one amends that is extremely complicated. It is to my brother who molested me when I was a child. I have no idea how to go about it, if I should, when I should. And frankly, not many can help me with this one. So I've decided to work on forgiving myself....because I blame myself, which is nuts because I was a small child. But I do. So frankly its like this big hot mess sitting in the middle of the living room and I keep walking around it. I guess what I'm saying is, amends can be really tough. But the ones where I screwed up? I drank, did stupid things, said stupid things, hurt people? I owned it. Admitted my wrong doing, had no expectations of the other person. "I wronged you". Period. But having a person to guide me was really important. Maybe consider it.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 131
The best amend you can make for you and then is to change your behaviour, which you have done. If you want to you could open a channel of communication, lettter/phone/visit, without expecting too much from them. I would have a think about what it is you want to happen from approaching them first and see if there were any toxic relationships going on that might have exasperated your problem. Or as has been said you could go the AA route.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: CA
Posts: 1,060
Hey Fallingstar,
Congrats on one year sobriety!!! Working the amends is a tough process. I just got two years, I have worked the steps and am still making amends. I would suggest a few points when doing your amends:
1) it's amends not an apology
2) only do them if you're willing to make the amends they ask for.
3) respect their boundaries
4) write down all the points you want to address before seeing them
5) If they ask you stop, then stop. Don't push your agenda it's not about you.
6) you can make amends to people deceased or out of your life. Write a letter and read it to someone (priest, trusted friend, another alki).
Good luck
Congrats on one year sobriety!!! Working the amends is a tough process. I just got two years, I have worked the steps and am still making amends. I would suggest a few points when doing your amends:
1) it's amends not an apology
2) only do them if you're willing to make the amends they ask for.
3) respect their boundaries
4) write down all the points you want to address before seeing them
5) If they ask you stop, then stop. Don't push your agenda it's not about you.
6) you can make amends to people deceased or out of your life. Write a letter and read it to someone (priest, trusted friend, another alki).
Good luck
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
You have reached out and I think you need to respect your family's boundaries. Step back and carry on with your recovery. In time, hopefully they will contact you, but I think it's out of your hands at this point.
Be proud of your recovery and that you are doing all you can do!
Be proud of your recovery and that you are doing all you can do!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 1,065
Families are pretty resilient and sometimes time is what it takes.
Sometimes it will never get better and you have to accept it and move on.
I have watched this with my aunt, welcomed back many times, forgiven for all the times she said Things, frequent complete and hurtful fabrications. Until one day she was written off. It is hurtful for all but an alcoholics vortex is theirs alone. I imagine in time, she may be welcomed back, or not. It is painful for all sides.
Sometimes it will never get better and you have to accept it and move on.
I have watched this with my aunt, welcomed back many times, forgiven for all the times she said Things, frequent complete and hurtful fabrications. Until one day she was written off. It is hurtful for all but an alcoholics vortex is theirs alone. I imagine in time, she may be welcomed back, or not. It is painful for all sides.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
Hi Falling Stars
if you're like most of us you want things fixed NOW.
That's not always possible tho if someone bears a grudge against us.
Some people in my life needed time to see I'd really changed.
I was pretty lucky that most people forgave me in time - but there are still a number of people who I drove away forever.
I hope thats not the case with you, but the only thing we can do is stay in recovery and see what time brings.
there's a reason why the amends step in AA is towards the end...cos it can be rough.
Try and be patient, and focus on your recovery for now.
Actions speak louder than words, especially with amends.
D
if you're like most of us you want things fixed NOW.
That's not always possible tho if someone bears a grudge against us.
Some people in my life needed time to see I'd really changed.
I was pretty lucky that most people forgave me in time - but there are still a number of people who I drove away forever.
I hope thats not the case with you, but the only thing we can do is stay in recovery and see what time brings.
there's a reason why the amends step in AA is towards the end...cos it can be rough.
Try and be patient, and focus on your recovery for now.
Actions speak louder than words, especially with amends.
D
DOS: 08-16-2012
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Central Iowa
Posts: 365
Working the steps of AA will help you deal with this exact situation! Please get to a meeting and start working with a sponsor. Amends can be very delicate things and it's best to work with a sponsor and go through the steps so you'll have all the knowledge you need for this important endeavor!
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