dogbitesgirl

My husband hasn't had anything to drink in about eight days, and he is so down. I don't know how to act. I am used to his heavy drinking, neediness and extreme passion for life, but without alcohol I am seeing a depressed man. He shows little interest in me so I am getting my feelings hurt. What in the world does it feel like for him and what should I do to help?

river34

welcome dogbitesgirl,

I myself am on day 14 with out a drink. I can tell you it has been filled with alot of emotional ups and downs. But am starting to feel better with each sober day that goes by. Just stay strong and supportive and hopefully as time goes on his depressive state will improve. You are in the right place here to find the help and support that you need. Best of luck to you and yours on this journey to recovery. You are in my prayers. River

lonlion

hi dogbitesgirl; I can only speak for myself here, but when I quit drinking it was like loosing my best friend. The only friend who soothed me and was always there for me.
When I got clean, all the pain I had caused others, all the pain others caused me came at me with full force. All the memories that I used to numb were there for me to look at.
Some of us drank because of depression problems too, so maybe he is now seeing that he had an underlaying problem with depression. Many of us were put on antidepressants when we first quit.
As hard as it may sound, try to be supportive, loving and keep out of his way if he needs to work out his thoughts and anger on his own. He may just need a hug or reassurance too. He is not as strong as he may appear. Insecurities abound with many alcoholics. Many who get sober have so much anger. It was said to me that fear is usually under anger. If you start to react to his anger then his insecurities will surface and you know what he will do to numb them.
Now is when you will be tested as much as he will. Now is when true unconditional love for him is needed. Now is also not the time to discuss the hurts his drinking has caused you. He is in enough pain right now and beating himself up enough for the two of you, whether he shows you this or not.
If his anger gets directed at you, try asking him this simple question, "what is it that hurts you so much that you feel hurting me can heal it?"
Hope this helps
Thoughts and prayers to you and your hubby
Diana

tryinagain

I would not use those words...instant guilt on top of the guilt that he already feels inside and will only make what is going on inside him worse. Possibly even push him over the edge as "what am I trying to quit for..I am doing this for her and us and I am causing MORE pain". Instant excuse to drink. I was drunk for over 24 years and have successfully quit this year and will leave any other advice to my wife as I am forwarding this to her and she can help from "the other side of the fence" so to speak. Dont take it personal, as personal of a thing as it is. It is not you he is dealing with right now, it is inside him and regardless of how he may act or not act, try to keep that in mind. He is fighting something within himself that you only see from the outside, what you may see is not what is actually within...trust me. It is taking all he has to not drink right now and his full attention is on fighting this off without a drink.
Peace and Prayers,
Roy

bliss

When I got sober I had to focus completely on myself to be able to enventually be able to focus on anyone else. My husband stepped back and remained supported without taking it personally. He knew that things would get better after I detoxed for atleast a month. And we are two months now and I am able to work more on building our relationship now. 8 days in I was focussing on building sobriety. I had very little to offer my H at that time.