Impending Marriage
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
I reckon he's going to need to get his head straight and start some work in earnest on his recovery before hes in a place to be honest and even understand his own feelings enough for couples counselling.
You seem determined to go ahead with this marriage. I would suggest reading around in the friends and family areas, especially the 'stickies'. There is some good solid advice on there about things to do to keep yourself safe financially, legally and emotionally.
As far as you testing him, is this really the role you want to line yourself up for. Policing his addiction? Have you considered going to NarAnon or AlAnon meetings? It would be a good idea as it would help you to get some support lined up for yourself from others who understand your situation, and to learn ways to set healthy boundaries in a relationship with an addict.
https://www.nar-anon.co.uk
Al-Anon UK | For families & friends of alcoholics
I wish you all the best for your future, whatever you decide for yourself.
BB
You seem determined to go ahead with this marriage. I would suggest reading around in the friends and family areas, especially the 'stickies'. There is some good solid advice on there about things to do to keep yourself safe financially, legally and emotionally.
As far as you testing him, is this really the role you want to line yourself up for. Policing his addiction? Have you considered going to NarAnon or AlAnon meetings? It would be a good idea as it would help you to get some support lined up for yourself from others who understand your situation, and to learn ways to set healthy boundaries in a relationship with an addict.
https://www.nar-anon.co.uk
Al-Anon UK | For families & friends of alcoholics
I wish you all the best for your future, whatever you decide for yourself.
BB
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,411
Policing him upsets the power dynamics--you are parent / parole officer,
not equal spouse.
He lied for 18 months. That's reason enough to postpone.
Addiction progresses. His has progressed.
It isn't "the same" as it was in the past--its worse and
the next relapse may be worse still, or the full monty.
Are you really ready to have your legal life tied to someone
so unstable and untrustworthy?
You may have been together ten years, and hopefully he will
get it together and you will have many more happy decades ahead,
but to move forward without any meaningful recovery time with the marriage
really seems shortsighted and like you aren't caring for yourself as you should.
not equal spouse.
He lied for 18 months. That's reason enough to postpone.
Addiction progresses. His has progressed.
It isn't "the same" as it was in the past--its worse and
the next relapse may be worse still, or the full monty.
Are you really ready to have your legal life tied to someone
so unstable and untrustworthy?
You may have been together ten years, and hopefully he will
get it together and you will have many more happy decades ahead,
but to move forward without any meaningful recovery time with the marriage
really seems shortsighted and like you aren't caring for yourself as you should.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,609
Originally Posted by Downsideupworld 
If I am going to marry an addict, is there any point in putting it off, which mainly only puts my life plans on hold.
The question is, do you want a legal binding / financial contract with him at this time.
If the answer is yes, I see no reason why you wouldn't go ahead. One thing I would advise is having a look through the stickies in the Friends and Family forums.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
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