Gabe1980

I've decided to write this post to share my struggle, in the understanding that we all get it wrong at times. It's the only way we eventually learn to get it right.

I've read a lot of posts on here (and written some too) about the feelings of shame after relapsing and how hard it is to come back. It's true....it totally and utterly sucks to come back and say I screwed it up.

I am back on DAY 1 today. There are lots of reasons for that but the real reason is I chose to drink. I didn't work my plan and I haven't yet fully accepted that drinking isn't an option for me. I know this. All I can say is that I am prepared to keep trying and working on my commitment.

For other folks who are relapsing every few weeks like me, or every few days, or every other day, it's OK. Being here means we want to make a change. Folks here have the experience to help us if we let them. I haven't been letting people help me but I plan to start today. Gabe x

DarklingSong

Good for you Gabe. Great post, and I completely relate. I am still struggling with really accepting that I cannot drink. I too made the choice to drink this time. But like you I want to learn from this and move forward.
Best wishes

MidnightRider

Gabe - Thanks for sharing!

True ... we are all struggling each and every day.

The thought of having a drink...

Maybe this time, I can just have 1 or 2 and be content.

NO... It doesn't work like that for us.

Best to you on your day one.
Hope you feel better and enjoy the day.

Sunflower17

Thank you for sharing this Gabe! I'm struggling today and your words have helped me a lot. I was about to open a bottle of wine, but I haven't.

Gabe1980

It's so hard this time of year. I love having a new year and a fresh start though! Acceptance is a key thing for me. When I hear people say that they have taken alcohol off the table, I just think how? So simple but so complicated at the same time. That's what I'm here to learn.

Gabe1980

It definitely doesn't work that way for me. One ALWAYS leads straight to oblivion. I going to clean the house and at least make something of the day ☺

Gabe1980

I'm really glad it's helped. Please don't open the bottle. I feel like death today and so disappointed in myself. Find something nice to do that makes you feel good. Gabe x

JustTony

I'll never be able to just have one or two drinks - and as controversial as it might sound on the SR forum - I wouldn't want to. Sorry but that's the way I was and will always be. If I drink I want to get drunk. Very, very drunk. That's what I liked as I was/am a GREEDY drinker.

I have been dry for 28 days. I'm fairly certain that this will continue for a while, but I still struggle to imagine a whole life without drinking again.

My fantasy would be to be able to drink once or twice a month. Hell - if I'm honest, then once a week. But I am pretty sure that I can't. I'm pretty sure the moment I broke this sobriety I would drink every night again for.... well possibly months.....

But it is hard. It's very tough to deny yourself something FOREVER that is so socially acceptable and readily available. But I'm trying with all my might to accept abstinence and to work on recovery and not just sobriety.

Regards,

JT

Nonsensical

I gave up the 1 or 2 fantasy long ago. By the end I was trying to justify a reasonable number of blackouts. If I get totally shwasted 4 times a year, or maybe 6, or maybe just monthly...then that's not a problem.

The problem for me is if drinking isn't off the table, then it is always on my mind. I might be sober while I'm planning my next drunk, but I'm not free.

Gabe1980

The problem for me is if drinking isn't off the table, then it is always on my mind. I might be sober while I'm planning my next drunk, but I'm not free.

[/QUOTE]

That's it, in a nutshell. I want my freedom. I really, really want my freedom. Thank you for this 😊

Gabe1980

Yep, that's me. I want to get drunk out of my mind on a regular basis with no consequences. But there are always consequences.

28 days is awesome Tony. And I love your posts on here. Whatever you wrote before you are obviously a lovely chap now!

ReadyAtLast

Hi Gabe
Thanks for your post. I can relate and it's been helpful for me to read it today too. I'm on day 1 also.

PalmerSage

You are so right that we all struggle. I'm only on day 13, but something seems different. In the past, I would get VERY focused on other peoples' drinking: "it's not fair that they "get" to drink, and I don't." Or control: "I just need to practice mindfulness WHILE drinking, so I enjoy it rather than rushing through it." I always viewed the white-knuckling early days as permanent, and knew I could not commit to a lifetime of depriving myself of something that was supposed to be relaxing and enjoyable.

Now, I am trying my hardest to shift my mindset. It isn't easy. In another post, someone said that "the brain is lazy" and wants to default to drinking as a solution, because that's how it's been trained. Re-framing drinking as THE PROBLEM, to be avoided at all costs, holds the promise that in time, it will be something I actually don't even want. Those with long-term sobriety all claim that it gets better, that a sober life makes it such that we will view drinking as poison. Freedom!

Sorry for all the rambling...my point is that we are in this together, so let's not drink today, OK? You are not alone.

Gabe1980

Congratulations on day 1 too RAL. Let's start the new year sober together. I want my health back!

Gabe1980

I'm in. I want freedom and health and the certainty of knowing that when I wake up in the morning I haven't hurt someone I love by my appalling behaviour.

I'm a gulper too! Never have I been able to drink mindfully and enjoy it. I gulp my drinks to get drunk. What a pointless exercise. I used to think I drank because of all my other problems but it turned out most of those problems are there because I drink. Go figure!

Strugglingtoget

Well, I guess my name gives away what I think about this thread!!

I am trying to alter my default mind set by daily training: alcohol is a highly addictive carcinogenic poison that destroys my body, my mind and my life.
I seek to remain free from the highly addictive carcinogenic poison that we call alcohol.
Alcohol destroys my heart, my brain, my throat and my liver --leads to stroke, fatal heart disease, liver failure. It destroys families, marriages, communities, careers and jobs. It causes my brain to actually lose its memories. It makes me so sick that I vomit blood, have throbbing headaches, painful dehydration and brain fog. It depresses me and disrupts my sleep. It has been proven to cause cancers of the mouth, tongue, stomach, colon, pancreas and liver (and breast for women). It leads me to emergency rooms, jails and DWIs and DUIs. Accidents, fights. Shame, humiliation and embarrassment. and it is highly addictive --even just one drink triggers an insane craving, compulsion and desire and disordered thinking like "I'll have just a few this time...."
So, why would I want to poison myself this way?
Why would I want to pay others to poison me?
Why would I want just a few doses of poison? In order to die slowly rather than fast?
We have all been deceived. We are all deluded. Those who thrive economically off our suffering have deceived us into believing that the poison is "fun" or "social" or "relaxing" ...all just lies to sell a poison!

Gabe1980

I think you are absolutely right. Socially acceptable and taxable poison. Here in Scotland you are regarded as highly susptious if you don't drink. I've heard several people say 'I don't trust people who don't drink.' That's how stitched up we are here. You would never hear the same people say 'I don't trust people who don't smoke crack'. Madness.

Delilah1

Hi Gabe,

I'm so glad you came back and posted right away. I struggled with many Day Ones before doing exactly what you said above, I took alcohol off the table. It wasn't easy, but it was so worth it.

I know this time of year can seem more difficult, I used find myself bargaining in my head, saying I waoukd stop after the holidays, then I would remember someones' birthday was coming so I would stop after that. However, when I looked honestly st my drinking it didn't matter if it was a holiday, or a Wednesday night, I was drinking because I was an alcoholic, and no matter how hard I tried tic I Vince myself otherwise I would necer be able to moderate, or control my drinking.

On NYE 2015 I was at a party and was drinking, and something in me clicked that this had to be it. I stopped before midnight, and on January 1st I will have two years sober. In the begining I was glued to SR throughout the day, and it is still a big part of my recovery to this day. I read many recovery books, journaled, exercised,I found focusing on recovery, and making positive changes in my life to be much more effective than just not drinking, which I had done in the past.

Start with today, make a plan, look into supports beyond SR if needed.

You can do this, and I'm looking forward to celebrating your one year of sobriety 365 days from today!!

❤️Delilah

Gabe1980

Thank you Delilah, I really appreciate your post. I just don't want to do this anymore. Sometimes I think that relapsing like this, every few weeks is worse than when I just drank. I'm definitely more excessive when I do end up drinking now as it's become 'forbidden'. I have to work on my mindset as I obviously still think it's something I need or will enjoy. In reality, I can't remember the last time I enjoyed drinking. Only bad things happen yet I still want to do it.

I think I need to invest more, in every area of my life. It's the best time of year to make new plans! See you in 365 days

Strugglingtoget

Gabe1980: "I dont trust people who don't poison themselves daily -- who don't cause themselves cancer and destroy their livers, heart and brain". Yup: total freaking insanity!!!