How to love my daughter strategically?

Old 12-29-2017, 10:16 PM
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How to love my daughter strategically?

This is my first post on here. I'm just turning inside out as I reckon with the reality of my daughter's addiction. She was diagnosed with NASH or non alcoholic steatohepatitis. They said she's had it from birth. But by the time it was diagnosed she was given three months to live. It had been misdiagnosed a couple times prior. As the disease progressed she began to drink and use. I don't stand in judgement of her because of that because who know what we would do in her shoes? She has three sweet kids and has always been a devoted Mother and still is......except now her biggest devotion is to this addiction. She lives with a boyfriend who is abusive. She has been on the transplant list for a new liver but taken off because of tox screen results showing use. Has a DUI, been in two accidents both alcohol related. She is in the end stages of End Stage Liver Disease. Goes in every week for a paracentesis, her last stent in her portal vein is on the verge of collapsing .......again. Yet she continues to drink. I just feel like I'm watching my daughter in the jaws of a monster shaking her back and forth like a dog shakes a bird and she can't get loose and my hands are tied. I keep contact with her every day. We face time. Sometimes we laugh and sometimes we cry. I don't know if I'm enabling her or not. I'm just trying to love her. But maybe she needs a tougher love. My other kids won't contact her because they say she lies and they won't be a part of it. My youngest went to visit her for a few days. I don't know what to do. I'm sick with the flu but she still wants me to travel to her because she is lonely and scared. And I want to but I can't make it up the stairs to her apartment. My kids don't want me to go there by myself. I feel like we are abandoning her but maybe she is abandoning us for her addiction. I don't know how to look at things. I can't see things objectively. My heart is just broken.
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Old 12-29-2017, 10:48 PM
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Hi and welcome CandleInTheWind

It would be great if love/tough love could beat addiction but the truth for me was that I didn't quit until quitting was my only choice.

I'm not sure there;s anything you can do to make, force or cajole your daughter to quit if she doesn't want to.

Sometimes maybe the only thing left is to love them, without also enabling their addiction?

I can only imagine how lonely and frightening it must be - but you've found a place of support here - and you need no longer go through this alone.

As for now when you're ill yourself - it seems beyond reasonable to me to take care of yourself first. Get well

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Old 12-30-2017, 04:18 AM
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So sorry to hear of your very sad circumstances as a mother. All you can do is love her. But you must set boundaries and care for yourself too.
Support to you.
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Old 12-30-2017, 04:50 AM
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Oh Dear! I don't even like to look down the road you're walking. My heart goes out to you.

You might want to look through our Family and Friends section. There are others who have gone through this before you, and they gather there for strength and support.
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