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Honestly, I think I should leave...

Old 12-29-2017, 10:43 PM
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wildflower,

many prayers for you. I pray you make the best choice for you. I know reading your posts helps me to stay sober. So for my selfish reason, I want you to stay. I want you to know that you have never let me down.

As an alcoholic, I know that drinking is what we do. As an alcoholic in recovery, I know how tough it is to get and stay sober. I also know that when in the disease, it's hard to understand how others aren't still in theirs.

I suggest that you stick to Bimini blues strategy of sticking to a couple threads that don't cause anxiety or get your mind racing.

You are wanted here and you are needed here.
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Old 12-29-2017, 11:00 PM
  # 62 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by wildflower70 View Post
Ok guys....here I am
I'm far from perfect
I'm not yet completely sober
I want to be here
Am I still welcome?
Your struggle is encouraging me to come back. I haven’t been here for several weeks because I have been actively drinking and too ashamed/embarrassed to say anything. I feel like a fraud. But the kindness of everyone here (including you WF) is saying “Come along with us”. I DO want to get sober. It will happen when it will. Staying away because I want a week of sobriety to report is stupid on my part. I’m afraid to commit to anything but I trust you and the folks here. So I’m back.
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Old 12-29-2017, 11:27 PM
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This place is a refuge for the sick, not a showcase for the satisfied. You will always be welcome here so long as you are respectful and supportive to others (which from what I've seen you consistently have been).

You know, before I got sober through this place and AA I could not understand that love was not dependent on earning it through success. By being 'good'. For that reason, although I wanted to believe in God, and did believe in his existance I could not have faith, Faith that is that he would love me, or care about me, or help me. But this place and AA helped me learn about grace. That love which is not about being deserved, or earned, or dependent on being something we are not.
I couldn't understand why people were being so kind. Why they'd want me around. Why they'd care about how I was or if I stayed sober. But that is fellowship. Grace in action. And you know, feeling that for long enough that I couldn't deny it any longer, and feeling it work through me when I started to care about other people as well (yes! I know - scary ****!) gave me a new and stronger faith in God, and an understanding of his grace that church had never been able to get through to my thick head and bubblewrapped heart.

You know. You are loved. We are all loved. Amazing as that sounds - not because we deserve it, but because we just are. The reason to get soberbisnt to earn love but maybe so you can learn to accept that love, and love yourself.

You spoke of being brave. Courageous. Well, you know, those things don't involve an absence of fear. Being fearless is not the point. I don't believe any hero didn't feel fear before going and doing thier thing. That would just be psychotic, not heroic. The point is, that you feel the fear, but let faith be the thing to guide you. I felt far too hopeless to do this at first, so it was important that I borrowed other peoples hope. And that's why it's important to hang out with others who've walked this path ahead of you. And to know that we didn't manage it by being special. We did it by following others ahead of the path to us. Harnessingbtheir hope and developing some faith IN THEM, until we coukd have faith in our own ability to do this thing. And then we realised that we could do it, and had a different kind of hope plus some experience.

When folk in AA talk about the sharing of experience, strength and hope, that is why it's important. Just as the fellowship side of things is important as well.

BB
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Old 12-30-2017, 12:44 AM
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Hi Wildflower
I feel exactly the same way as you. I visit this site all the time but havent posted for a while now due to feeling not worthy of other peoples time and burning embarrassment at not being able to sustain sobriety. I had a bit of a negative comment a while back that sent me running for the hills but after reading your post and all the completely supportive replies I am going to jump back in.
I want 2018 to be my year to stand up and be counted. I want it so badly.
So please stay here. If I can give it another go, can't you too ?? My new motto is going to be.....Never give up on giving up.
C
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Old 12-30-2017, 01:08 AM
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Hi

It’s posts like yours that actually help others as well - I’ve been in same situation as sure others have too,relapse after relapse , promise after promise ..broke them many times ..helping others as well as ourselves is a part of the recovery process for many here ..we all understand your pain and what you are going through

I cried out for help many times in early recovery and the SR family banded together and came for me ..it will click together for you ..give it chance

One day at a time , even one hour at a time

Camp yourself here for the day if you can ..cry,laugh,scream ..everyone is listening and there is no judgement

I really wish you all the best - there is hope I promise you
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Old 12-30-2017, 02:34 AM
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I'm back at day 1. Can only seem to manage 3 or 4 weeks at the moment. I'm creeping around my husband trying to figure how much trouble I'm in! It sucks and I feel like s**t.

If you want a buddy that's by no means perfect, recovered but is willing to give it her best shot I'd be delighted. I could use the support and it sounds like you could to. What do you think?
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Old 12-30-2017, 02:42 AM
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Gabe. I know all about the creeping around stuff. Trying to guage by every little look or word how disgusting you are. Kidding yourself that it cant have been that bad blah blah blah but it most usually is.
I had a friend that I havent seen for mang years over last night as I had the house to myself. I planned to be the perfect hostess, chatting and sipping on cold white wine. Reality........I drank over a bottle before
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Old 12-30-2017, 03:03 AM
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Originally Posted by Cuckoo View Post
Gabe. I know all about the creeping around stuff. Trying to guage by every little look or word how disgusting you are. Kidding yourself that it cant have been that bad blah blah blah but it most usually is.
I had a friend that I havent seen for mang years over last night as I had the house to myself. I planned to be the perfect hostess, chatting and sipping on cold white wine. Reality........I drank over a bottle before
Hey Cuckoo. Yeah...the fantasy of sophistication!! I've fallen for that thousands of times. I can't even remember going to bed. My husband hates when he comes home and I'm passed out, all the lights are on and the TV's on. He was speaking to me this morning so that's something. I hate myself when I'm like this but I'm forcing myself to do some self-care.
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Old 12-30-2017, 03:19 AM
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Its so unfair on our friends and family.
I am convinced that people dont like me and avoid socialising with me.
This is probably more in my head but I wouldnt want me near the wine bottles !!
I am sick, sick, sick of this rubbish, limiting way of living.
Like a child with a sweetie jar, its pathetic.
I describe my drinking habit as greedy with no off button.
I seriously need to make it stick this time. I am going to get a plan together.
C
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Old 12-30-2017, 03:34 AM
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Originally Posted by Cuckoo View Post
Its so unfair on our friends and family.
I am convinced that people dont like me and avoid socialising with me.
This is probably more in my head but I wouldnt want me near the wine bottles !!
I am sick, sick, sick of this rubbish, limiting way of living.
Like a child with a sweetie jar, its pathetic.
I describe my drinking habit as greedy with no off button.
I seriously need to make it stick this time. I am going to get a plan together.
C
I totally agree. I can see the strain on my husband's face when I pick up a drink. It's so selfish of me to do that to my marriage. And I'm the same..... I just can't stop once I start. It absolute binging and it's disgusting.

A plan is a really good idea. I've half-arsed it before but a proper solid plan looks like it's essential.

I've just started a thread about shared struggles. Do you want to start day 1 together now and post on there every day to check in? I did it with someone before and it was a great motivator and really supportive. It's just an idea so no worries if you are not up for it. Gabe x
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Old 12-30-2017, 03:45 AM
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Sending you a PM Gabe.
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Old 12-30-2017, 05:14 AM
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Wildflower, Cuckoo, Gabe & Others...

I was a member here many, many years ago. I thought I knew better than most what I was and what was right for me.

I argued with a wonderful moderator via PM called Carol (now deceased God rest her soul) about... well nothing really. I was just a big mouthed p**s head that thought I could control drink.

When I relapsed (for the twentieth time or so) I simply left SR - never to post again under that membership name. To this day I won't reveal what that membership name was/is as I am simply too embarrassed to go over my old posts (or to let anyone else do so).

Anyway - the moral of the story? I drank for the next 10 years trying to beat the addiction on my own. No SR. No AA, No support system at all. I wasted a decade.

Leaving this site solves absolutely nothing (if that's what anyone is seriously considering?)
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Old 12-30-2017, 05:24 AM
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Originally Posted by Berrybean View Post
This place is a refuge for the sick, not a showcase for the satisfied.
What a brilliant overview.

Inspirational BerryBean. You're such a gift to the Newcomers forum.
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Old 12-30-2017, 05:30 AM
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hope you stick around wildflower. I've been on and off this site for 6 years, managed 3.5 years sober because of SR but picked up again last year. Been on and off it since. Every time I come back and am embarrassed and ashamed and feel like people will think I'm not taking it seriously. I am it's just so hard.

I have never received anything other than a warm welcome and unconditional support. Ok sometimes hard words may be said, tough love from some, but maybe that's because the truth hurts.

The most important thing is that we do keep coming back. I know I can't get sober without SR and when I left it before I started drinking again. please stick around. We're all here for you and your posts help others too.
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Old 12-30-2017, 05:54 AM
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Originally Posted by JustTony View Post
What a brilliant overview.

Inspirational BerryBean. You're such a gift to the Newcomers forum.
Wish I could take the credit JT, but I just read that phrase somewhere (probably here lol) and remembered it. I try to make the same true of everywhere that I hold any influence. Any meeting, any classroom or any church gathering. Reckon it's a pretty good principle to apply to all areas of my life.

BB
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Old 12-30-2017, 06:16 AM
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Wildflower I left here once as I thought i'd out grown SR or it wasn't for me but all the time it was that little voice telling me me it was ok to drink and I did eventually . I was welcomed back with open arms when I needed help no questions asked except relevant "whats your plan now" kind of stuff .

Sometimes because of the nature of our why we are here ( we are all addicted to something ) there can be disagreements of sorts but not very often .
I have saw me posting and only getting one or two responses then another post attracts 20 . I never take it personally if my post doesn't seem to resonate with the generral body of the forum because i,m not here to earn points or boost my ego . Yes very occasionally I can be irked by something said and feel the need to react . Mostly I manage not to react but just sometimes it spills over .
I have read many of your post wildflower and wish you well for the future and want you to know we care for you .

Thomas
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Old 12-30-2017, 06:17 AM
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Hi Wild!

Why are you apologizing to us? This is about you! Nobody else.

Your AV is out of control. You are seeing us being all pulled together and happy? Some are and some aren’t but we have ALL been where you are. Please stop the ugly self talk.

This place is for everyone! Staring the journey, down the road, wherever! You are welcome here! ALWAYS!

You ARE part of the “click” the “SR family”!!!!
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Old 12-30-2017, 06:20 AM
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You should definitely stay. This place is great for people like us. There’s lots of understanding and wisdom here.
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Old 12-30-2017, 09:02 AM
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Ah wildflower, look at all the support on here for you, that should tell you something, that you need to stay!

I found SR after being sober for quite a few weeks so it is very different for me. I still need support, I even got loads on Christmas Day as I was having a tough time, and people were here for me which was a godsend.

I certainly don't get fed up with people relapsing or still drinking, I had a tough time getting to this point, I did it with the help of an alcohol counsellor & a support group.

You will sometimes see the comment that you have to WANT to give up which I know can be confusing. For me, I knew I HAD to give up but I just didn't manage it for such a long time. Did this mean I wasn't ready and didn't WANT to? It certainly didn't feel like that, but maybe. In the end I forced the issue and walked into the GP to tell them what I drank. It was a horrible time after that, counselling etc, but I finally managed. How long it takes is irrelevant, it is getting there that matters.

Xx
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Old 12-30-2017, 09:25 AM
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Originally Posted by wildflower70 View Post
Hi Sr,
I honestly think I should leave this site. I love it, don't get me wrong. But, I don't feel that I am welcome any longer. I have been here too long, I have relapsed too many times, I have worn out my welcome.
I wish things were different, I want to be part of your SR "clique". But I'm not. I thank you so much for your help in the past, but I don't think that I fit in with your way of thinking. I will never be part of the "clique", and that's ok.

Thanks,
WF
Don’t go! You’re always welcome here. I have relapsed sooo many times and always come here.
People here always have advice and suggestions.
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