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Honestly, I think I should leave...

Old 12-29-2017, 05:08 PM
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https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...pt-2-a-14.html

I'm pretty much bummed by how much AV is active right now on the boards, wildflower.

This is more than the usual Xmas NY thing,

It's like a physical punch to the stomach for me - not because I'm disappointed in people who relapse, but because I really hate addiction and how much power we give to it.

But I don't doubt that you're not seeing any of that.

I don't doubt that you didn't see in the Windytown thread you namechecked how much she's struggling either.

I remember being the same way, I saw only the things I was obsessing over.

The AV is very powerful if we let it be and very very devious.

Did I mention I hate it?

D

Last edited by Dee74; 12-29-2017 at 05:28 PM.
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Old 12-29-2017, 05:23 PM
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Hi Wildflower, I personally donít know what good could come from leaving.
Also in my humble experience people who really want to leave a place, group, especially a forum etc do exactly that, they just leave.
They may not necessarily announce their leaving if the decision has been made.
I hope you take my last comment the right way and with the good intention that it is meant.
What I mean by it is that deep down you have the inner knowledge that this is most likely your AV talking and trying to do your thinking, sabotaging your chances.

Deep down you also know itís probably best you stay hence your initial post.
Hang in there and donít let the bandit win.
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Old 12-29-2017, 05:24 PM
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I don't post a bunch anymore but want to let you know I read your comment and wanted the send some positive energy your way.

While I haven't followed your journey, I choose to believe your humility (evidenced by your post) and resiliency (demonstrated by continuing to battle this thing) are key strengths.

If you choose to frame this as being either a member of one group or another, perhaps including yourself in the larger context of those who recognize and confront an issue would be helpful.

Ultimately, failures are events- not people. I have the sense that you will learn from your experience and march forward. I hope you allow the group to be part of your journey.
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Old 12-29-2017, 06:22 PM
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Wildflower I was a chronic relapser that came here for years before I got sober - go look at some of my old posts! Believe me that this is a supportive place and that you are wanted and welcome here. I kindly suggest, as others have, that this thinking may be coming from your AV. You need support and this place is fantastic for that. I hope you stay.
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Old 12-29-2017, 06:37 PM
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It is surly my AV..I want to stay here. I don't want to hurt anyone by my relapse..I don't want to fail you, I have failed. I know I have entered a binder....OMG
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Old 12-29-2017, 06:40 PM
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If people harmed other people's recovery by relapsing this place couldn't exist, let alone be as successful as it is

What steps do you think you can take to end your drinking today?

D
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Old 12-29-2017, 06:55 PM
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Originally Posted by wildflower70 View Post
Ok guys....here I am
I'm far from perfect
I'm not yet completely sober
I want to be here
Am I still welcome?
Wildflower, I saw the beginning of your post and I was so sad. Iím so glad you are staying. Hey we started this journey on the same day. Iím still struggling too even though I havenít drank. I am not saying that to make you feel bad. I realize that I can loose it at any moment. I still feel like my new sobriety is very fragile. I have never made it this long, this is all new to me. I came here when I was still drinking and wanting the stop. I was way to scared to join then. This has been my lifeline so many days and nights, while drinking and sober. Mostly use my phone for SR. SR on my phone is very basic. On the computer it has lots of cool stuff I havenít figured out YET. Like I wish I got notifications. Please stay Wildflower!
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Old 12-29-2017, 07:08 PM
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Originally Posted by 24violets View Post
Wildflower, I saw the beginning of your post and I was so sad. Iím so glad you are staying. Hey we started this journey on the same day. Iím still struggling too even though I havenít drank. I am not saying that to make you feel bad. I realize that I can loose it at any moment. I still feel like my new sobriety is very fragile. I have never made it this long, this is all new to me. I came here when I was still drinking and wanting the stop. I was way to scared to join then. This has been my lifeline so many days and nights, while drinking and sober. Mostly use my phone for SR. SR on my phone is very basic. On the computer it has lots of cool stuff I havenít figured out YET. Like I wish I got notifications. Please stay Wildflower!
Dear Violets...there you are...
I am so far away..I keep posting, but I know I should leave. I am no good here anymore. I screwed up, and I'm not helping anyone.
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Old 12-29-2017, 07:15 PM
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
If people harmed other people's recovery by relapsing this place couldn't exist, let alone be as successful as it is

What steps do you think you can take to end your drinking today?

D
Dee, I can't get out. I'm trapped in this cycle. I can't stop...how did I fall so far? Please don't leave me guys...I'm so sorry, I'm a mess..
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Old 12-29-2017, 07:24 PM
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There's always a way out,

It means putting down the bottle tho, and not getting any more.
Do you think thats achievable for you today?

D
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Old 12-29-2017, 07:28 PM
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We won't give up on you. Nobody here has given up on me and I often feel the same way you do now. Join the December class if you haven't already. The support I get from my class, despite my lack of sober ability so far, is invaluable. You can succeed. Most importantly, don't give up on yourself.
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Old 12-29-2017, 07:44 PM
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Originally Posted by wildflower70 View Post
Dear Violets...there you are...
I am so far away..I keep posting, but I know I should leave. I am no good here anymore. I screwed up, and I'm not helping anyone.
Iím so glad you saw my post. You focus on You. Can you stop tonight? When ever I decided to have my first sip I wouldnít stop drinking until I passed out. I would wait until later at night hoping I would drink less. I would end up drinking faster and get really sick. Are you sick of feeling sick, yet?
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Old 12-29-2017, 07:47 PM
  # 53 (permalink)  
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Don't stop believing!

Hi Wildflower
I've just messaged you privately because I'm new on here and couldn't find this thread initially.
I sat with an old timer in AA many years ago and he said to me this is a dis ease of negativity.
I have it you have it other people here have it.
But it's not as powerful as the real true you.
Nowhere near it
It pales into insignificance when the real person ignites inside
It's just a baffling opponent that's all but we have as out birthright the innate built in power to overcome addiction.
I poured drink away a few hours ago
You'll see it in my private msg to you.
I have a dreadful history of relapse.
But I'm gonna win out
It's about how the story ends for me now
Not the past but where I'm going in the remaining story of my life.
I can't sleep I'm feeling rough.
But I want to help inspire you shoulder to shoulder I'm a fellow human being who's been in so much pain with alcohol and other issues that I struggle to find the words to describe that blackness.
But reading your posts I know you'll identify.
We were not born losers
We were born winners.
I need you here to help me
So I can in turn help you!
Ghoster.
Please stay your needed.
My sister sent an email yesterday
It said there is only one place the light can enter and it's through the wound.
It made me cry!
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Old 12-29-2017, 08:03 PM
  # 54 (permalink)  
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I'm not going to make it..I'm drinking wine....I.m not good enough...I'm sorry. For some reason, I feel Ok, on my own. please forgive me SR friends. You guys are strong, loving, and kind. I used to be...
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Old 12-29-2017, 08:06 PM
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Hey wildflower. I am active in the class of February. My sobriety date? August 6th. They put up with me. I slipped, posted while intoxicated, made so many promises, broke them.... I kept trying.

If youíre here, you have the desire in you. Donít give up. Thatís what would truly hurt people here.
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Old 12-29-2017, 08:24 PM
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you wouldn't be here if you didn't want something better wildflower.

There's only one way to get to that better place tho and thats to make different decisions and step away from the wine/

I'm not going to get mad at you, write you off or stop posting to you - I doubt anyone here will.

but...I will keep trying to get you to grasp the change you clearly so desperately want.

I think thats what support and friendship is all about

D
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Old 12-29-2017, 08:28 PM
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I joined the forum in 2011 or early 2012 Wildflower.I'am not a daily poster but take it in spells. I have relapsed numerous times and quit counting at 50... yet I learned something from each and every relapse these past 7 years.

I havnt posted in a long while but felt compelled to do so in this thread because I have a few words I would like to share with you.

Have I contemplated suicide?...yes but the finality of it scared me. There are no "Do overs". Have I gotten sober yet? No. Have I given up the hope and dream of getting sober? Absolutly not.

You see a few visits to my Doctor and a therapist revealed quite a few issues that explained why I was feeling the way I was. Yes, I too was quite a "mess". I stuck it out with them because I wanted to feel better more than anything in the world! Over this past year things are looking much better and I know without a doubt I will beat my alcohol abuse problem too! I have so much Love and support from members of the SR Family and so do you!

Yes I'am still drinking but the next quit maybe the one that "Clicks and Sticks" and launches me into a life of recovery where my life will get much better still. It wont be perfect but it will be getting better and better!

I'am scared if you leave us Wildflower you wont be back. I fear you will be so fearful about what you think others will be thinking about you, that you wont return. It's the finality thing again. What we will REALLY be thinking and feeling will be the elation of having you back once again! So you see Wildflower, there is really no sense in leaving to start with.

Beverly Sills once said "If you try and fail, you will be dissapointed. If you dont try, you will be doomed". I want to help you get sober Wildflower because I need you to help me too!...and to do that we both need to be here for one another.

Please re-consider leaving. It will solve nothing.

DD
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Old 12-29-2017, 08:54 PM
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Originally Posted by DuhDave View Post
I joined the forum in 2011 or early 2012 Wildflower.I'am not a daily poster but take it in spells. I have relapsed numerous times and quit counting at 50... yet I learned something from each and every relapse these past 7 years.

I havnt posted in a long while but felt compelled to do so in this thread because I have a few words I would like to share with you.

Have I contemplated suicide?...yes but the finality of it scared me. There are no "Do overs". Have I gotten sober yet? No. Have I given up the hope and dream of getting sober? Absolutly not.










You see a few visits to my Doctor and a therapist revealed quite a few issues that explained why I was feeling the way I was. Yes, I too was quite a "mess". I stuck it out with them because I wanted to feel better more than anything in the world! Over this past year things are looking much better and I know without a doubt I will beat my alcohol abuse problem too! I have so much Love and support from members of the SR Family and so do you!

Yes I'am still drinking but the next quit maybe the one that "Clicks and Sticks" and launches me into a life of recovery where my life will get much better still. It wont be perfect but it will be getting better and better!

I'am scared if you leave us Wildflower you wont be back. I fear you will be so fearful about what you think others will be thinking about you, that you wont return. It's the finality thing again. What we will REALLY be thinking and feeling will be the elation of having you back once again! So you see Wildflower, there is really no sense in leaving to start with.

Beverly Sills once said "If you try and fail, you will be dissapointed. If you dont try, you will be doomed". I want to help you get sober Wildflower because I need you to help me too!...and to do that we both need to be here for one another.

Please re-consider leaving. It will solve nothing.

DD

Dave, God, thank you.I'm here..thank you again...I don't know what to say. I am here for you, as you are here for me. Hold on...one more breath, we can do this, one more time. thank you!
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Old 12-29-2017, 09:59 PM
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Wildflower, it's good to see you here and still posting.

I don't know how much more I can add to this, other than what Scott said earlier in this thread, SR is not for just sober people. It's for anyone who's goal is sobriety, recovery.
Took me a while to stop shutting the door on SR if I faltered.
If things get tough, I wander around the hallways for awhile. I read. Post here and there.
Usually there is always a window open with SR on on my computer screen.
No matter where I'm at during the day, it's always there.

You never have to walk alone in the dark. Remember that, that you're never alone. Isolation is the breeding ground for our addictions.
So one way or another, stick around.
There is no yardstick for perfection here. We are our own judge, jury and unfortunate executioners. Give yourself a little love, you deserve it... and you have loads of it here too.
Hugs,
Del
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Old 12-29-2017, 10:13 PM
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Originally Posted by wildflower70 View Post
Scott,

You seem knowledgeable and helpful. I know that my relapsing over and over pisses people off. And, I know that it makes me less desirable to be in the group. How do I get into your"group", if I'm still struggling?.
Hi Wildflower,

Struggling doesn't make any of us less desirable, it actually makes us in higher need of support from others, and that seems to be where you are right now, I have seen lots of people reaching out to you, and when you are sober tonight or tomorrow take some time to read through the responses, and also some ideas for support.

You have me ruined cliques a few different times, and I really think you are just seeing the friendships that have formed on this site as we support each other. It is really a wonderful place to be, and you will start to build relationships as you spend time on here.

I hope to see you posting again tomorrow.

❤️Delilah
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