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Thinking of telling my mother, and not my father, about by my near sexual assault

Old 12-28-2017, 03:53 AM
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Thinking of telling my mother, and not my father, about by my near sexual assault

So I screwed up yesterday. Ruined 6 days of being sober. Partied with a friend - just the two of us in her apartment. She is also an alcoholic but sees herself ad just a young person having fun. Planned to stay here 3 days and ti bunge drink throughout those 3 days, but this morning, I have opted against it. Gonna go home.

I realise that I need a physical support system so I am gonna summon up the strength to tell my mum and dad about my alcoholism, and the near sexual assault that precitipated this addiction. I will tell both my parents sbout being a boozer, but I am leaning towards only telling my mum about the near sexual assault (I need therapy).

The reason is because I know my dad. He is extremely protective over me - and it will eat him up a lot. He will feel powerless and angry. My mom will also be very upset, I know, but I think she can handle it better.

Thing is I feel like telling her secretly is putting her in a tough spot. She is married to my dad, and I am their child. In my dad's shoes, I wouldn't want my spouse to keep something like that away from me. So part of me is also thinking about telling him at the same time with mum - but I don't want him to lose his mind. He will be devastated I know.

I think firstly tellig my parents about my addiction is the right step. Makes my road to recovery real due to having a physical support system. And I know they will support me a lot.
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Old 12-28-2017, 04:22 AM
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Why not just stick with telling them about the issues around drink first. For a start off it might help them to not drink around you or be wondering why you're not drinking (adding 2 and 2 and coming up with 5).

If you do decide to tell your mum about the assault, be careful that you don't give the impression that the drinking is because of the assault, as this could confuse matters. Actually, from what you've said, that isn't really the case.

Also, be wary if having any expectations about how either of them will react. You may not even see much of a reaction as they're likely to need some processing time. You've had a while to get your head around all this and still find it confusing, so don't be hurt or angry if they need some time and space to process it as well.

I think it's great that you want to involve your parents in your recovery and resolve to live a happy and sober life. You might want to keep the other side of things to a general statement that you've realised that getting so drunk has put you in some dangerous situations which you don't want to risk being in again. That can then open the conversation up further if you want, or not for the moment, but they're likely to be able to imagine the kind of thing you mean.

Try to keep things at least a little but simple for today. No doubt you're feeling extremely ropey. Bless you. Xx
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Old 12-28-2017, 04:28 AM
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Originally Posted by Berrybean View Post
Why not just stick with telling them about the issues around drink first. For a start off it might help them to not drink around you or be wondering why you're not drinking (adding 2 and 2 and coming up with 5).

If you do decide to tell your mum about the assault, be careful that you don't give the impression that the drinking is because of the assault, as this could confuse matters. Actually, from what you've said, that isn't really the case.

Also, be wary if having any expectations about how either of them will react. You may not even see much of a reaction as they're likely to need some processing time. You've had a while to get your head around all this and still find it confusing, so don't be hurt or angry if they need some time and space to process it as well.

I think it's great that you want to involve your parents in your recovery and resolve to live a happy and sober life. You might want to keep the other side of things to a general statement that you've realised that getting so drunk has put you in some dangerous situations which you don't want to risk being in again. That can then open the conversation up further if you want, or not for the moment, but they're likely to be able to imagine the kind of thing you mean.

Try to keep things at least a little but simple for today. No doubt you're feeling extremely ropey. Bless you. Xx
One of the reasons pushing me towards telling them the unvarnished trutb is not only because I feel the need for their emotional support, but also financial. I neef therapy, pure and simple. And being a broke student, the money I make goes towards rent, bills, etc. Cape Town is an extremely expensive city.

Thanks for your post. You always write the most thoughtful responses.
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Old 12-28-2017, 04:38 AM
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Well, hopefully that will be possible, but today isn't the last time you can talk. Don't let that all or nothing alcoholic thinking make you think you have to spill everything today or never. Xx
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Old 12-28-2017, 04:42 AM
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Originally Posted by Berrybean View Post
Well, hopefully that will be possible, but today isn't the last time you can talk. Don't let that all or nothing alcoholic thinking make you think you have to spill everything today or never. Xx
Good point.
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Old 12-28-2017, 06:17 AM
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I agree with Berry--give it a few days, journal out some of the feelings,
stay sober and think it through.

You can't "unsay" it once it is out there--be sure you plan it carefully.

You would also be very surprised how much even six weeks of sober time
will change your perspective. . .
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Old 12-28-2017, 06:21 AM
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It is impossible to make rational decisions when drunk or suffering the after effects of a huge blow out.

I concur with both of the others - WAIT before you act.
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Old 12-28-2017, 06:45 AM
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I'm glad you stopped drinking and are not remaining at your drinking buddies place. Frankly, THAT would probably worry your parents a lot. They may know more than you think.

I am a firm believe in the 'one step at a time' philosophy. You haven't been sober more than a few hours. Pause when agitated. Get your head clear. As Berry said, the opportunity to speak with your folks doesn't have an expiration date.

I am sensing, from all your threads, a need to verbally/emotionally throw up (couldn't think of a better term) everything that is coming up for you right now. I get that....needing to 'fix', get 'honest', bring the world into your world constantly. Right now, believe me, you aren't thinking clearly. Get sober. I mentioned a women's meeting in another thread. Go. Talk with other women that have probably been through everything you are experiencing and then some.

Tell your folks that you are an addict and have stopped drinking. Tell them you need support and therapy. Speak with your therapist about all this first.

Hang in there. Don't drink. Things will get better but it takes TIME my dear
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Old 12-28-2017, 06:47 AM
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...everything that Fricka said.
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Old 12-28-2017, 07:37 AM
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Tw,

I dont give advice anymore,..but maybe you can relate to my story in some way.

Once I found sr I was able to get the direct information to find my way.

My problem, maybe like you, was/is 2 pronged.

1. Physical and mental addiction.

2. Selfish behavior/attitude leading to emotional suffering.

It was a cycle.

Since I kicked the drinking habit, I deal with the narcissism like it is a new hat.

I am embarrassed to think after all these years I acted like I was so special.

I can believe in myself, but I need to work on accepting others will not always believe in me.

Being aware of that helps me cope...to fight off the desire to relapse.

I probably could use some pro therapy as well, but I would likely lose my cool job.

I honestly think, since I don't drink anymore, I am getting better.

It is liberating.



Thanks.
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Old 12-28-2017, 08:19 AM
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I would also suggest waiting until you are feeling more stable with your sobriety. If you are decide to tell your mother about what happened, be sure about it because there would be no going back.
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Old 12-28-2017, 08:53 AM
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I would add, it's not fair to your mother (or anyone!) to say, "Here's this huge emotional thing that happened to me because I was drinking," and then say, "DON'T tell anyone." Expecting people to keep our secrets is not healthy. Your parents' first loyalties are to one another. Don't put her in a position to have to pick sides. That drives a wedge in one place or another.

That's like taking a hostage. If you don't want your dad to know, don't tell your mom. That's just unfair, and no matter how your mother were to react to it, it would be harmful to HER and would become a big mess for all of you. Triangulating is not good.
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Old 12-28-2017, 09:14 AM
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I would say that you need sober stability before saying anything about the sexual assault thing. But when you ARE ready to tell it....I would tell both. Asking your mother to keep such a secret from your father isnt healthy. Not advice...its just how I would handle it.....
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Old 12-28-2017, 09:57 AM
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As was said I feel you should wait and think on it with a clear head. If you need their help to seek out therapy...ask them for their help. I know everyone's different but, if my daughter came to me and asked for financial assistance to see a therapist, I wouldn't pry into why she wanted to go. I might insist on paying the therapist directly though,so I know that's what the money went to.
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Old 12-28-2017, 09:57 AM
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How are you now? Did it go okay?

BB x
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Old 12-28-2017, 10:18 AM
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I agree that the wisest thing is to tell your mom. You’re right that it wouldn’t be appropriate to swear her to secrecy.

I’m glad you’ve sobered up and left your friend’s house. The big buzz probably wasn’t as great as it promised to be.

You do need the therapy, so you do need the money—and your parents genuinely love and care for you. It is nice to have love in your corner.

Your father is a grown man. My father was a huge overprotective overreactor, too, so I know exactly what you mean. I’m sure if you tell your mom that you are extremely sensitive about the assault and don’t feel comfortable going into detail with your dad that she would know how to manage things and protect you from further emotional turmoil.

You need to weigh pros and cons.

Pros: 1) loyalty and support from loved ones (imperfectly expressed though it may be)
2) the money for therapy

Cons: your dad going off the deep end and the scenes you want to avoid at all costs

Note: If you stay quiet because of your dad, do it for your own sake. Don’t worry that sharing your secret would hurt him. He is a grown man and will eventually come to terms with it.

My own advice: share with mom, get the therapy, bite the bullet, and wait for the storm to pass.

And stay sober. You know drinking is really just a waste of time.
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Old 12-28-2017, 11:42 PM
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Originally Posted by Berrybean View Post
How are you now? Did it go okay?

BB x
Originally Posted by Berrybean View Post
How are you now? Did it go okay?

BB x
I told them everything. Initially I heeded the advice here and decided to only tell them about about my addiction. But eventually I spilled the beans. From the booze to the nearsexual assault. They were upset, but have been so supportive. As others mentioned - they already suspected something off with me in the last year or so. They have been so wonderful. My mom works in the medical community and will help me seek out a therapist. My dad got rid of his stash of beer (which I feel bad about).

But I feel so much more confident that I can best this thing. One of the things I have learned about alcoholism are the delusions and lies we tell each other. And how we deceive those around us. I deceived my parents all throughout my dribking, from lying that my hangover was a result of bad maccaroni, or ling that i am staying at a friend's house to study, when in truth, we were partying. It felt good to get everything off my chest. It was a relief, actually.
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Old 12-28-2017, 11:45 PM
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Originally Posted by biminiblue View Post
I would add, it's not fair to your mother (or anyone!) to say, "Here's this huge emotional thing that happened to me because I was drinking," and then say, "DON'T tell anyone." Expecting people to keep our secrets is not healthy. Your parents' first loyalties are to one another. Don't put her in a position to have to pick sides. That drives a wedge in one place or another.

That's like taking a hostage. If you don't want your dad to know, don't tell your mom. That's just unfair, and no matter how your mother were to react to it, it would be harmful to HER and would become a big mess for all of you. Triangulating is not good.
Completely agree with this assessment. Hence why I decided to tell them both.
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Old 12-28-2017, 11:51 PM
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Originally Posted by Hawkeye13 View Post
I agree with Berry--give it a few days, journal out some of the feelings,
stay sober and think it through.

You can't "unsay" it once it is out there--be sure you plan it carefully.

You would also be very surprised how much even six weeks of sober time
will change your perspective. . .
I understand where you are coming from with this. And initially I wasn not gonna say anything. But you know what - alcoholism has made me live a lie. In every sense. And it has suppressed so many feelings within me. I felt I was at a point where I had to tell someone. And I am glad I told them. They are upset (mom cried) but have been so supportive of me. And I know I can't do this without their support.
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Old 12-29-2017, 12:11 AM
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Originally Posted by Frickaflip233 View Post
I'm glad you stopped drinking and are not remaining at your drinking buddies place. Frankly, THAT would probably worry your parents a lot. They may know more than you think.

I am a firm believe in the 'one step at a time' philosophy. You haven't been sober more than a few hours. Pause when agitated. Get your head clear. As Berry said, the opportunity to speak with your folks doesn't have an expiration date.

I am sensing, from all your threads, a need to verbally/emotionally throw up (couldn't think of a better term) everything that is coming up for you right now. I get that....needing to 'fix', get 'honest', bring the world into your world constantly. Right now, believe me, you aren't thinking clearly. Get sober. I mentioned a women's meeting in another thread. Go. Talk with other women that have probably been through everything you are experiencing and then some.

Tell your folks that you are an addict and have stopped drinking. Tell them you need support and therapy. Speak with your therapist about all this first.

Hang in there. Don't drink. Things will get better but it takes TIME my dear
I agree with a lot of what you wrote. Especially about the impulsive and emotionally charged side of me. Initially I was just gonna tell my rents that I was a boozer. But in the end I revealed all. I think it was because I have been lying to them for ages in order to cover my alcoholism. Telling them was one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do, but I am glad I did. My dad has taken a day off work today and has been an absolute trooper.
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