A big trigger just hit me and I am a nervous wreck
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Location: South Africa, Durban/Cape Town
Posts: 217
Originally Posted by Berrybean 
Sobriety and recovery are two different things. We need to be sober to work on our recovery, and recovery is us learning new and better ways of dealing with life on life's terms. Including working through past hurts and resentments against those who hurt or angered us, and dealing with the things we did to harm ourselves and others. It's amazingly freeing, and is what makes sobriety bearable, sustainable, and eventually preferable. But it doesn't happen overnight.
I tried to access counseling before working in my recovery and it just was impossible. I wasn't able to be honest with the counsellor, and just told her all the bits that I had no part in. And of course, taking other people's inventory doesn't get any of us well. It was MY part that kept me awake at night. MY part that made me hate myself. MY part that my AV used as leverage every time - playing on my shame and fear. Since doing 12-step work I have been able to get a new counsellor to help me work through the issues I had around some abuse that I need specific help to work through - and because of that recovery work I have been able to be honest enough to speak openly and without terror of judgement with my counsellor, and it's going much better this time.
I would suggest getting some support. AA meetings are available everywhere, even if you end up accessing them online. Women only meetings if you prefer and feel safer in a female only environment initially. It would be a rare university anywhere in the world that doesn't have student counselling available. Please don't let fear and shame stop you from reaching out.
In the meantime,please tip away the rest of the wine. It is no real solution. The relief you will get from it will be extremely short term, and before you know it you'll be back to exactly where you were before you stopped. I know that last night it wasn't alcohol you took but smoking soft drugs, but this would still have fed your AV and given it renewed impotus. Please stop feeding the beast.
Sobriety. Recovery. Counselling. That's a much more positive plan, even if it is a long term rather than short term solution.
BB
I tried to access counseling before working in my recovery and it just was impossible. I wasn't able to be honest with the counsellor, and just told her all the bits that I had no part in. And of course, taking other people's inventory doesn't get any of us well. It was MY part that kept me awake at night. MY part that made me hate myself. MY part that my AV used as leverage every time - playing on my shame and fear. Since doing 12-step work I have been able to get a new counsellor to help me work through the issues I had around some abuse that I need specific help to work through - and because of that recovery work I have been able to be honest enough to speak openly and without terror of judgement with my counsellor, and it's going much better this time.
I would suggest getting some support. AA meetings are available everywhere, even if you end up accessing them online. Women only meetings if you prefer and feel safer in a female only environment initially. It would be a rare university anywhere in the world that doesn't have student counselling available. Please don't let fear and shame stop you from reaching out.
In the meantime,please tip away the rest of the wine. It is no real solution. The relief you will get from it will be extremely short term, and before you know it you'll be back to exactly where you were before you stopped. I know that last night it wasn't alcohol you took but smoking soft drugs, but this would still have fed your AV and given it renewed impotus. Please stop feeding the beast.
Sobriety. Recovery. Counselling. That's a much more positive plan, even if it is a long term rather than short term solution.
BB
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Originally Posted by tiredwoman
This post made me cry.
*HUGS*
I have no idea where abouts in S.A. you are so this link itself might not be useful to you, but it might give you an idea of the kind of services that are available to those who have experiences the trauma of sexual assault... rape counselling South Africa
Please google whats available in your area.
Plan for today... Tip the wine away. Take a long hot shower. Ask your mum for a hug. Eat something healthy but comforting. Nap.
You can get off the crazy-train xxx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Location: South Africa, Durban/Cape Town
Posts: 217
Originally Posted by Berrybean
Sorry. Maybe that's as much to do with the wine as my overwhelming wisdom lol.
*HUGS*
I have no idea where abouts in S.A. you are so this link itself might not be useful to you, but it might give you an idea of the kind of services that are available to those who have experiences the trauma of sexual assault... rape counselling South Africa
Please google whats available in your area.
Plan for today... Tip the wine away. Take a long hot shower. Ask your mum for a hug. Eat something healthy but comforting. Nap.
You can get off the crazy-train xxx
*HUGS*
I have no idea where abouts in S.A. you are so this link itself might not be useful to you, but it might give you an idea of the kind of services that are available to those who have experiences the trauma of sexual assault... rape counselling South Africa
Please google whats available in your area.
Plan for today... Tip the wine away. Take a long hot shower. Ask your mum for a hug. Eat something healthy but comforting. Nap.
You can get off the crazy-train xxx
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
I remember those days when the addiction was so strong...I remember them all the time.
After about a week, the booze was out of my body. My brain.s dopemin production had been altered. I needed booze to feel normal.
It took well over a year before I felt sort of ok...most of the time.
Now, at nearly 3 years w out being even close to drunk, I still feel awkward at times.
I still have an active sugar addiction. I am pretty sure that it is tied to booze addiction.
Quitting booze was the hardest thing I have ever done.
Now, every day I crave sugar. Cookies, protein drink, cake, pie. It is not out of control like my booze was at least.
At least I can have a cookie or 2 and stop.
We have booze all over the house. I know that drinking it will lead to hell on earth.
I don't drink any more. I love dealing w my problems sober. Getting drunk made them go away for a short time. But, as soon as I sobered up, there they were and now I was weak and hung over.
Exercise is my new addiction. I work out nearly every day.
Thanks to sr for giving me the tools I need to get this far.
Stay clean.
Thanks.
After about a week, the booze was out of my body. My brain.s dopemin production had been altered. I needed booze to feel normal.
It took well over a year before I felt sort of ok...most of the time.
Now, at nearly 3 years w out being even close to drunk, I still feel awkward at times.
I still have an active sugar addiction. I am pretty sure that it is tied to booze addiction.
Quitting booze was the hardest thing I have ever done.
Now, every day I crave sugar. Cookies, protein drink, cake, pie. It is not out of control like my booze was at least.
At least I can have a cookie or 2 and stop.
We have booze all over the house. I know that drinking it will lead to hell on earth.
I don't drink any more. I love dealing w my problems sober. Getting drunk made them go away for a short time. But, as soon as I sobered up, there they were and now I was weak and hung over.
Exercise is my new addiction. I work out nearly every day.
Thanks to sr for giving me the tools I need to get this far.
Stay clean.
Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Originally Posted by tiredwoman
I am in Durban currently. But study and work in Cape Town. Thanks so much for the link. Ha yeah probably the wine has to do with the tears. Booze does tend to make you more emotional. But your post was good in any event.
BB
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Location: South Africa, Durban/Cape Town
Posts: 217
Originally Posted by Berrybean
Well, if you're in Durban there are plenty of AA meetings going on this evening. Have you actually looked? There is on need to do this alone... Alcoholics Anonymous South Africa Meetings
BB
BB
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Location: South Africa, Durban/Cape Town
Posts: 217
Originally Posted by Berrybean
Well, if you're in Durban there are plenty of AA meetings going on this evening. Have you actually looked? There is on need to do this alone... Alcoholics Anonymous South Africa Meetings
BB
BB
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Location: South Africa, Durban/Cape Town
Posts: 217
Originally Posted by D122y
I remember those days when the addiction was so strong...I remember them all the time.
After about a week, the booze was out of my body. My brain.s dopemin production had been altered. I needed booze to feel normal.
It took well over a year before I felt sort of ok...most of the time.
Now, at nearly 3 years w out being even close to drunk, I still feel awkward at times.
I still have an active sugar addiction. I am pretty sure that it is tied to booze addiction.
Quitting booze was the hardest thing I have ever done.
Now, every day I crave sugar. Cookies, protein drink, cake, pie. It is not out of control like my booze was at least.
At least I can have a cookie or 2 and stop.
We have booze all over the house. I know that drinking it will lead to hell on earth.
I don't drink any more. I love dealing w my problems sober. Getting drunk made them go away for a short time. But, as soon as I sobered up, there they were and now I was weak and hung over.
Exercise is my new addiction. I work out nearly every day.
Thanks to sr for giving me the tools I need to get this far.
Stay clean.
Thanks.
After about a week, the booze was out of my body. My brain.s dopemin production had been altered. I needed booze to feel normal.
It took well over a year before I felt sort of ok...most of the time.
Now, at nearly 3 years w out being even close to drunk, I still feel awkward at times.
I still have an active sugar addiction. I am pretty sure that it is tied to booze addiction.
Quitting booze was the hardest thing I have ever done.
Now, every day I crave sugar. Cookies, protein drink, cake, pie. It is not out of control like my booze was at least.
At least I can have a cookie or 2 and stop.
We have booze all over the house. I know that drinking it will lead to hell on earth.
I don't drink any more. I love dealing w my problems sober. Getting drunk made them go away for a short time. But, as soon as I sobered up, there they were and now I was weak and hung over.
Exercise is my new addiction. I work out nearly every day.
Thanks to sr for giving me the tools I need to get this far.
Stay clean.
Thanks.
On the sugar addiction - do you enjoy a lot of soft drinks? like coke or fanta? Cause I sure am addicted to those.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 4,553
tiredwoman I don't want to bombard you with anything whilst you're delicate but this is an absolutely perfect example of "if only" for you to look back on tomorrow when I sincerely hope you come back to start again.
When you ask for help here help DOES come. Just give it a little while please. Promise yourself that and I promise you that the support is there. We genuinely care.
One thing I struggled with for quite a while is the basic fact that I didn't know how to cope. I ran to the bottle instead. Coping is something we re-learn and it takes time. In fact virtually everything takes time. Time is your friend.
So for now please stay safe and I look forward to seeing you back tomorrow. Ready to give it your all. Ready to allow time to heal. Ready to make a rock solid plan to get through days of despair.
When you ask for help here help DOES come. Just give it a little while please. Promise yourself that and I promise you that the support is there. We genuinely care.
One thing I struggled with for quite a while is the basic fact that I didn't know how to cope. I ran to the bottle instead. Coping is something we re-learn and it takes time. In fact virtually everything takes time. Time is your friend.
So for now please stay safe and I look forward to seeing you back tomorrow. Ready to give it your all. Ready to allow time to heal. Ready to make a rock solid plan to get through days of despair.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
call your "friend" back and tell her not to bring brandy or any booze. if you could manage to pick up the phone and call her once, you can do it again. there is NO NEED to slide down the slope any further. it serves NO purpose. it solves nothing.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
hopefully tomorrow brings the best gift you can receive- the gift of desperation.
what usually proceeds ks a willingness to go to any lengths for victory over alcohol- to start the journey of recovery.
recovery-the action or process of regaining possession or control of something stolen or lost.
what usually proceeds ks a willingness to go to any lengths for victory over alcohol- to start the journey of recovery.
recovery-the action or process of regaining possession or control of something stolen or lost.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Location: South Africa, Durban/Cape Town
Posts: 217
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
call your "friend" back and tell her not to bring brandy or any booze. if you could manage to pick up the phone and call her once, you can do it again. there is NO NEED to slide down the slope any further. it serves NO purpose. it solves nothing.
I did not want to lie to you guys. You have been so supportive and great to me. Like my own family. And I let you down. I am sorry.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
You haven't let us down. Our lives will continue in our own ways.
You have relinquished control to your negative thoughts.
Be careful - we do care. There are better ways to deal with trauma. I hope you seek them out before it's too late for you.
You have relinquished control to your negative thoughts.
Be careful - we do care. There are better ways to deal with trauma. I hope you seek them out before it's too late for you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by tiredwoman
It's too late I am afraid.
And I let you down.
And I let you down.
you only let yourself down,but can stop that by not believing the BS lie that its too late.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Tomsteve is right. And he's a wise one.
The problem at the moment is not your mixed race. Or the past assault. It is that you're choosing to rationalise drinking when you know it's no real solution. You're choosing to drink because you want to, and la-la-laa-ing away what you know you NEED. Just like we all chose to.
I continued like that til in my 40s. Just like you can if you keep making excuses to carry it on. Decades of pain and self-loathing. And noone can stop you but you my darling girl.
If you want things to be different don't keep choosing the same.
Xx
The problem at the moment is not your mixed race. Or the past assault. It is that you're choosing to rationalise drinking when you know it's no real solution. You're choosing to drink because you want to, and la-la-laa-ing away what you know you NEED. Just like we all chose to.
I continued like that til in my 40s. Just like you can if you keep making excuses to carry it on. Decades of pain and self-loathing. And noone can stop you but you my darling girl.
If you want things to be different don't keep choosing the same.
Xx
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 1,543
Originally Posted by tomsteve
i call BS on it being too late. its a lie being used to keep drinking.
you only let yourself down,but can stop that by not believing the BS lie that its too late.
you only let yourself down,but can stop that by not believing the BS lie that its too late.
However - on this occasion I have to say that I am with you 100%. I'm sorry TW - I know you're a newcomer and a young person as well. I also understand personal trauma all too well. But I am with TomSteve on this. You can put that bottle down now and go home and sleep it off. Saying you cannot do that - and using analogies like sharks in the pursuit of prey - will not resonate with your sober self tomorrow at all. It is BS and your sober self would know that (I suspect your drunk self knows that too?)
Peace & Strength -
JT
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
there really is not a SAFE place when one's mission is to drink and drug all day. bad things happen everywhere.
do remember that you made the decision to first smoke weed, then the next day drink. it was not your only choice, it was just the one you picked.
other choices are available if and when you become ready and willing. SR will be here.
do remember that you made the decision to first smoke weed, then the next day drink. it was not your only choice, it was just the one you picked.
other choices are available if and when you become ready and willing. SR will be here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Location: South Africa, Durban/Cape Town
Posts: 217
Originally Posted by Berrybean
Tomsteve is right. And he's a wise one.
The problem at the moment is not your mixed race. Or the past assault. It is that you're choosing to rationalise drinking when you know it's no real solution. You're choosing to drink because you want to, and la-la-laa-ing away what you know you NEED. Just like we all chose to.
I continued like that til in my 40s. Just like you can if you keep making excuses to carry it on. Decades of pain and self-loathing. And noone can stop you but you my darling girl.
If you want things to be different don't keep choosing the same.
Xx
The problem at the moment is not your mixed race. Or the past assault. It is that you're choosing to rationalise drinking when you know it's no real solution. You're choosing to drink because you want to, and la-la-laa-ing away what you know you NEED. Just like we all chose to.
I continued like that til in my 40s. Just like you can if you keep making excuses to carry it on. Decades of pain and self-loathing. And noone can stop you but you my darling girl.
If you want things to be different don't keep choosing the same.
Xx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Location: South Africa, Durban/Cape Town
Posts: 217
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
there really is not a SAFE place when one's mission is to drink and drug all day. bad things happen everywhere.
do remember that you made the decision to first smoke weed, then the next day drink. it was not your only choice, it was just the one you picked.
other choices are available if and when you become ready and willing. SR will be here.
do remember that you made the decision to first smoke weed, then the next day drink. it was not your only choice, it was just the one you picked.
other choices are available if and when you become ready and willing. SR will be here.
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