lightanddark

Post - 1
Hi, thanks for reading. I plan to use this thread as a mechanism to chronicle my sobriety and the breaking of my constant cycle. I appreciate all support I get from you guys and I want to thank you for reading. I hope that in a year by next Christmas I will be celebrating a year sober on this very thread.

As a blackout drinker like my father I know that a blackout could come at any time. Which is why I have decided never to drink again. It has been 10 days since then and I have not touched a drink. That is not to say I haven't had the urge. Just one with my friend on his birthday, or have a bottle of wine with my girlfriend to try and bring back some passion.

However I know that after the last blackout even one drink will start the cycle again. Creating uncertainty that it could happen at any time, and to not be in control is scary as hell.

I was depressed before my last blackout. But if I had not blacked out, my relationship would not be on the ropes. In a way I feel grateful for this opportunity to change my life around. To mature as a person and take responsibility of my life.

When I blacked out I became very verbally abusive and I pledged for it to never happen again after the last one in the Spring. But it did because I thought I could control the drink, which was a lie I was telling myself. My father was and is an alcoholic and it destroyed him. I realise im on the exact same path which was everything I didn't want to be. That's scary, so is feeling the love fade from a relationship and seeing your own mother not talk to you for lack of words. It's also scary being told that all I do is talk. This is a constant cycle I've been in, before it was drugs.

Tomorrow I head back to her and the city I moved to with her, to try and give this one last shot. Me staying sober will be so key to my own health and sustaining the relationship with the girl who I love so much.

I feel so lucky to have another chance. However it is such a battle every day to stay in the moment. To not jump to the past to the hurt I caused, or to the present to the uncertainty that our relationship now lies in due to my drunken actions and inability to be mature in my money and life.

My plan is to go back, keep going to meetings, go to counseling and stay sober away from alcohol and drugs. Everything else I realise will fall into place if I just maintain some self-control. Not to let the immature voice in my head rule or to be controlled by anxiety and depression.

The relationship will be mended, the hurt will fade. But I must serve myself by helping myself first before I can give my all to someone else. I'm tired of it being one thing or another, I'm tired of not being able to hold down a job. I'm tired of not getting anywhere and I'm tired of having to keep coming home a broken mess.

I feel a change in me. I know what I have to do. God bless and thanks for reading.