JustTony

Yeah - I heard a slight variation on this a while ago, which really resonated with me. It was:

"Nobody ever woke up in the morning and said 'I'm really pleased I drank alcohol last night'".

It's kind of stuck with me ever since (even when drunk!)

RP4595

Tonight was difficult but I'm Holding On. I coached my basketball team tonight and that got some energy out. I also had a ridiculous argument with my wife over the same stuff we always argue about that I keep telling myself we won't which I actually think is driving me to do this in a large part. I'm trying to eight ways from Sunday to rationalize things with her and begged her to come with me to talk to someone else about it but she won't. But that's another story. The more sober I get the more I'm realizing was actually driving me to do this in the first place. I just hope I can keep things moving forward until I get some real Clarity and resolution around the underlying issues. Thank you all for all of your support I truly appreciate it.

RP4595

Well the first week went very well but last week i feel way backwards. I'm back at day 1 now. I hate the fact that it's where I am but I have to accept reality. I've learned what i feel is the real reason i am drinking and I'm taking steps to correct the root cause. In the mean time I'm going to be spending a lot of time on here and ensuring I stay sober one day at a time whether it is a good day or not.

JustTony

Hi RP,

At least you're back and posting again. I recommend you join the January Class (if you haven't already?) The bond I feel with the December group has been unbelievably helpful to me.

I won't pry as to what your trigger is/was. So long as you know what it is then you can guard against it in future.

Regards,

JT

DontRemember

One of my real estate partners sent me this and told me "get it together if you want to remain in this group. You have 6months". The 'group' he was talking about is 10 super rich guys and me. We currently have 27 properties and growing. My construction company also gets the rehab work from most as well(double great for me). Anyways.. This song/video really opened my eyes and I'm in the group/didn't get bought out.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=foj3lB7vtDo

Hawkeye13

Yes, I understand what you mean about "discovering" the root cause.

Interpersonal relationships in particular can be tough as they involve a longer "fix"--

Staying sober and working the problem is the key

tomsteve

you hate the fact today, but it reads like ya learned something out of it- there are underlying issues that have to be addressed- good on ya!
one day- thats all we have. we cant stay sober and work on ourselves yesterday or tomorrow. only today- the most important day.

it would be nice if every day was a good day. or maybe not. i dont think i would appreciate sobriety if everything was a cakewalk.

scarly

Just do not stop "quitting"......

FitNonDrinker

RP you sound so much like me. I get "bored" and want a drink. If I miss a meal, I want to drink. If I get 4 days of not drinking, I want to reward myself with a drink.

I workout almost every day. Eat really well. Have competed more than 20x over my life (I'm 48). Every time I competed, I stopped drinking for 4-5 months and ate like a champ. (I also stopped drinking when I was pregnant with both my boys). I think the competing was means for me to KEEP drinking. I always felt good knowing I'd take very good care of myself for months (or torture myself physically), just so I could then again drink as much as I want for another 4-5 months. I called that "balance". What a lie.

I've been married to a retired marine for 22 years (I was in the Navy for 4 years where I really got GOOD at building my "tolerance". That's not even in my vocabulary, I got ****-faced drunk the first time I drank in 9th grade).

My husband out of the blue on Sunday asked me "do you drink EVERY day?". I know he knows the answer. I told him 4 years ago I had a problem and he told me I was fine. I wished he would have agreed with me, but maybe that is just an excuse.

I've been drinking on and off steadily for the last 3 years, but for the last year it's gotten worse. 1 bottle of wine a night is nothing to me. If I have more, I drink it. I've drove to the store after the first one, to get the next. I know I need to stop, but I keep telling myself the same things I think you are saying "I can moderate. I like to drink. I can't imagine never doing it again. I'm functioning fine".

If "functioning" fine is where I'm at today, it's a sad place

It also didn't help when I went to my Doc a couple months back... I was hoping she'd ask about my drinking, after I wrote that I drank 5x a week (lie). But all she asked was, "are you drinking wine?" When I said yes, she brushed it off. All my blood work is spectacular too, btw.

I wake up at 2 or 3 am, anxious, depressed and so pissed at myself. I feel like I'm such a STRONG person. I don't really need help. I just need to stop. You seem that way too. But the more I read here, the more I get into this hole, I feel like I need to surrender to this.

BTW I have NOT told my husband any of this, since the last time he told me I was fine. There's a part of me that's afraid to tell him, but also a part that WISHES he knew and wanted me to stop.

Keep posting and reading here. It's the one thing that helps me. I'm on day 2. Pretty pathetic......

MaggieJ

Great thread. Posting so I can find it again. I’m on day 33 and have had to change up everything in my life to keep this sobriety thing going since, as a “high-functioning” professional who is an alcoholic, I’ve surrounded my entire life with other “high-functioning” professionals who are also alcoholics...which (again the recurring theme) seemed perfectly fine for the last 15 years of my life and my career...until recently...when I realized it’s not.

Berrybean

Thats what i thought as well.

Then I realised that actually, that isn't so. Sure, I still had stuff to sort out regarding the past, which can be part of my recovery work. But plenty of people have horrendous things in their past that cause them trauma and they dont drink on it. Eventually I realised that the reason I drank was because I erroneously held a deep seated belief that alcohol would make me feel better. Would ease the pain. Allow me a break from those thoughts. And perhaps initially it did, but but had got way past that stage at the end. Instead of being sober and unhappy about the past, I was just drunk and even more unhappy about the past, plus I had the consequences of drinking to deal with, and was further away from wherein needed to be - acting with integrity.

If drinking worked, then we wouldn't be left feeling pain about the past, would we. It's flawed thinking. It makes nothing better. Nothing easier.

BB

Zebra1275

doggonecarl nailed it with his answer

Functional isn't a type of alcoholic. It's a stage of alcoholism. Which is progressive. You have every right to be worried.

As one of the older guys around here, I can tell you that the negative effects of your drinking will get worse as you grow older.

Where will you be in 5 years or 10 years?

You can't exercise your way out of a drinking problem. Physically, your bodies ability to recover from drinking will decrease as you age.

And you can't hide your drinking from your kids forever. Good luck with that, it's amazing how smart they become.

RP4595

Day 3 and feeling great mentally. Usually this is the day I would get urges but I feel the opposite. The thought of drinking makes me nauseous right now.

I'm enjoying non hungover exercise. Eating a little more freely as I'm not saving calories for booze and getting more clearheaded about relationships and goals.

Thank you all for sharing. It helps so much. I really believe I'm on a different path this time that I can succeed with. You are all a part of that

LBrain

AND, I've never heard anyone who woke up bright, refreshed, well rested and full of energy saying, "I don't ever want to feel like this again."

It dawned on me that "functional alcoholic" to "highly functional alcoholic" means one just got a lot better at hiding it.

MaggieJ

RP, how are you doing? Still hanging in there?

RP4595

Thanks for asking, i failed yesterday and am disgusted at myself today. I didnt even have fun while drinking and am wondering why the hell i did. I got up at 4am did my workout and then had a great time with the canyon carving group as we drive through the mountains most sunday mornings. Came home, coached a game, did my run then took the kids to watch football. Had beers there and then many more when home and for what. I felt better sober all morning than trying to acheieve a buzz all afternoon.

Here i am embarassed back at day one......

doggonecarl

I'm not sure what you are doing, recovery wise, to support your goal of sobriety. A few posts to SR and a decision to quit?

As I posted to someone earlier today, the decision to quit is a major step to getting sober...but just the first step. And if you are only taking the one step, you won't get very far.

RP4595

I agree I talk to my family today and also one of my co-workers who I work out with regularly and ask them to help me in terms of holding me accountable and not allowing me to at least consume in their presence. I've started reading a few books also and I'm going to go to an AA meeting tomorrow. I'll need the same or active on here as well. I really don't want to continue this at all anymore I believe I'm at the point now where I just want to be completely done not have thoughts of moderation down the road Etc

Dee74

You can be accountable to others if you think it helps but honestly I think the best accountability is to yourself.

Reading books is good, going to AA is good too - so long as you follow through on the ideas.

put the effort in and you'll get it back in spades RP

D

Offthemast

Plus accountability is not asking someone else to babysit. I think I get what you're saying though. You asked them for support and help. Only you can do it though. If you want to drink, I don't think anybody is going to stop you once your mind is made up.