Think I've become a high functioning alcoholic - worried
Thanks for the insight, i will definitely check out the link. I know what you mean by white knuckling and i dont want that to be my life. The last time i quit for 5 years, after about 2-3 months not only didn't i miss it, i felt bad for people sitting in a bar all afternoon losing time. I'm hoping i find that place again. I need that to happen
I quit... ran 4 marathons, was at 150lbs and ran a sub 20 minute 5k. I was in fantastic shape. I started drinking moderately and broke my ankle in the summer of 2010. For the last 4 years I have been drinking as much as I bought that day. I moderated by not buying too much. But that stopped working and I started driving to the store to get more at 11PM.
I too am "high functioning" as I manage a large organization.
It is killing me. I definitely blacked out on the 24th and lost several hours. My wife is barely talking to me. I have been wanting to go back to AA for months and even attended a meeting in sept. I know I have a problem. I just love drinking. But I am afraid this time. Last time I was depressed and drinking was an escape. I wanted to change my life. This time I'm not depressed. Aside from my wife threatening to leave me, my life is great. But I am slowly dying. I put on over a 100lbs. It hurts to move. I have nerve damage in my right leg. I shake in the afternoon. I can't sleep without a few drinks but a few always turns into 12.
Well I have a choice quit or die. Quit or move out of my house.
I frankly don't know if my now 36 hours of sobriety is for me or to make my wife happy right now, but I don't care. I'll figure it out one day at a time. I want my life from 2009 back. I was a model of fitness. My wife and kids were proud of me. I felt fantastic.
My goal in writing this was to say that my experience sounds much like yours.
I know I have a problem because I can't control it. I can and have controlled when I start drinking but once I start all my good intentions go out the window. I don't know if I am going to drink 8 or 18 beers. I don't know if I'll black out at 3-4 beers or at 12... or at all.
I hated AA when I first went. It still kinda creeps me out. What I can tell you is that in those rooms are well intentioned people of all walks. What I found helped me was to attend many different meetings. I tried new ones all the time. I ended up really liking one group that had successful professionals like me. I also found a few quirky meetings that had folks I couldn't identify with but I felt comfortable because I felt all the more anonymous. Eventually I developed a sense of brotherhood, or belonging with them. It didn't come until I accepted that I didn't have control over my alcohol consumption.
Give it a chance. It will be uncomfortable. Keep looking until you find someone you look up to and they have what you want (just like looking for a mentor in business). If at first you don't find that best person... humble yourself and ask the person you most respect to help you pick a mentor (sponsor). I had to fake it for a long time... before I got healthy.
Eventually I believed I didn't need it anymore and well that was a bad decision I hope to not make again. Day 2 for me... so take all that with a grain of salt.
GL.
RP, so many great responses here already. We are so glad you are here.
Stick around! Joining this community is what made the final difference for me. I "tried" to stop, cut down, moderate, quit countless times. Being part of this supportive community, with its communal and hard-earned wisdom, was eye opening and life changing for me. For one thing I realized the futility of thinking I could "cut down" or as you say, go back down the staircase a bit. Instead that's like trying to go back down an up escalator: It's inevitable you will be back right where you started in no time. The only answer is getting completely off.
It truly is a drinking treadmill. What kind of life is that?
It's great you have 3 days and even greater that you have the awareness that it will be all too easy to slip into thinking, "oh, what the heck, everyone drinks. I can too." "I stopped for 3 days, why not 'treat' myself to a drink".
What I learned here is that that is your AV, alcoholic voice, LYING to you. Tell it to shut up. Don't go for it.
You have it within you to stop. YOU have the power. Say no to that voice. You know you want a better, healthier, more meaningful life. You will not get it by continuing to poison yourself with alcohol, diminishing your mind and abilities, centering your life on drinking, recovering from drinking, planning on drinking, paying for drinking, lying about drinking, hiding drinking, feeling shame and guilt from your drinking.... on and on. How can anyone live a full, REAL life when so much time is given over to drinking? Who wants to claim that as their main hobby and "talent"? Who wants their children, when asked, to say what daddy likes to do? Drink?
The damage you are sensing to your body and psyche are real. You can stop now and have a fuller, meaningful life. You aren't losing anything by eliminating a poison. You won't be depriving yourself.. that too is a LIE.
I'm not being very eloquent. But your post truly resonated with me. We all know just where you are.
Here's my story if you want to read it:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...rate-stop.html (Wine drinking woman, desperate to stop)
I hid the extent of my drinking and fooled myself into thinking I "high functioning" too. It actually only meant I lived a lie.
Please keep posting. We get it and are here for you.
Stick around! Joining this community is what made the final difference for me. I "tried" to stop, cut down, moderate, quit countless times. Being part of this supportive community, with its communal and hard-earned wisdom, was eye opening and life changing for me. For one thing I realized the futility of thinking I could "cut down" or as you say, go back down the staircase a bit. Instead that's like trying to go back down an up escalator: It's inevitable you will be back right where you started in no time. The only answer is getting completely off.
It truly is a drinking treadmill. What kind of life is that?
It's great you have 3 days and even greater that you have the awareness that it will be all too easy to slip into thinking, "oh, what the heck, everyone drinks. I can too." "I stopped for 3 days, why not 'treat' myself to a drink".
What I learned here is that that is your AV, alcoholic voice, LYING to you. Tell it to shut up. Don't go for it.
You have it within you to stop. YOU have the power. Say no to that voice. You know you want a better, healthier, more meaningful life. You will not get it by continuing to poison yourself with alcohol, diminishing your mind and abilities, centering your life on drinking, recovering from drinking, planning on drinking, paying for drinking, lying about drinking, hiding drinking, feeling shame and guilt from your drinking.... on and on. How can anyone live a full, REAL life when so much time is given over to drinking? Who wants to claim that as their main hobby and "talent"? Who wants their children, when asked, to say what daddy likes to do? Drink?
The damage you are sensing to your body and psyche are real. You can stop now and have a fuller, meaningful life. You aren't losing anything by eliminating a poison. You won't be depriving yourself.. that too is a LIE.
I'm not being very eloquent. But your post truly resonated with me. We all know just where you are.
Here's my story if you want to read it:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...rate-stop.html (Wine drinking woman, desperate to stop)
I hid the extent of my drinking and fooled myself into thinking I "high functioning" too. It actually only meant I lived a lie.
Please keep posting. We get it and are here for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 66
RP, I quit the first time in 2/5/2007. I was running and drinking. I was drinking a 12 pack of light beer daily for several years and before that binge drinking 3-5 days a week for years.
I quit... ran 4 marathons, was at 150lbs and ran a sub 20 minute 5k. I was in fantastic shape. I started drinking moderately and broke my ankle in the summer of 2010. For the last 4 years I have been drinking as much as I bought that day. I moderated by not buying too much. But that stopped working and I started driving to the store to get more at 11PM.
I too am "high functioning" as I manage a large organization.
It is killing me. I definitely blacked out on the 24th and lost several hours. My wife is barely talking to me. I have been wanting to go back to AA for months and even attended a meeting in sept. I know I have a problem. I just love drinking. But I am afraid this time. Last time I was depressed and drinking was an escape. I wanted to change my life. This time I'm not depressed. Aside from my wife threatening to leave me, my life is great. But I am slowly dying. I put on over a 100lbs. It hurts to move. I have nerve damage in my right leg. I shake in the afternoon. I can't sleep without a few drinks but a few always turns into 12.
Well I have a choice quit or die. Quit or move out of my house.
I frankly don't know if my now 36 hours of sobriety is for me or to make my wife happy right now, but I don't care. I'll figure it out one day at a time. I want my life from 2009 back. I was a model of fitness. My wife and kids were proud of me. I felt fantastic.
My goal in writing this was to say that my experience sounds much like yours.
I know I have a problem because I can't control it. I can and have controlled when I start drinking but once I start all my good intentions go out the window. I don't know if I am going to drink 8 or 18 beers. I don't know if I'll black out at 3-4 beers or at 12... or at all.
I hated AA when I first went. It still kinda creeps me out. What I can tell you is that in those rooms are well intentioned people of all walks. What I found helped me was to attend many different meetings. I tried new ones all the time. I ended up really liking one group that had successful professionals like me. I also found a few quirky meetings that had folks I couldn't identify with but I felt comfortable because I felt all the more anonymous. Eventually I developed a sense of brotherhood, or belonging with them. It didn't come until I accepted that I didn't have control over my alcohol consumption.
Give it a chance. It will be uncomfortable. Keep looking until you find someone you look up to and they have what you want (just like looking for a mentor in business). If at first you don't find that best person... humble yourself and ask the person you most respect to help you pick a mentor (sponsor). I had to fake it for a long time... before I got healthy.
Eventually I believed I didn't need it anymore and well that was a bad decision I hope to not make again. Day 2 for me... so take all that with a grain of salt.
GL.
I quit... ran 4 marathons, was at 150lbs and ran a sub 20 minute 5k. I was in fantastic shape. I started drinking moderately and broke my ankle in the summer of 2010. For the last 4 years I have been drinking as much as I bought that day. I moderated by not buying too much. But that stopped working and I started driving to the store to get more at 11PM.
I too am "high functioning" as I manage a large organization.
It is killing me. I definitely blacked out on the 24th and lost several hours. My wife is barely talking to me. I have been wanting to go back to AA for months and even attended a meeting in sept. I know I have a problem. I just love drinking. But I am afraid this time. Last time I was depressed and drinking was an escape. I wanted to change my life. This time I'm not depressed. Aside from my wife threatening to leave me, my life is great. But I am slowly dying. I put on over a 100lbs. It hurts to move. I have nerve damage in my right leg. I shake in the afternoon. I can't sleep without a few drinks but a few always turns into 12.
Well I have a choice quit or die. Quit or move out of my house.
I frankly don't know if my now 36 hours of sobriety is for me or to make my wife happy right now, but I don't care. I'll figure it out one day at a time. I want my life from 2009 back. I was a model of fitness. My wife and kids were proud of me. I felt fantastic.
My goal in writing this was to say that my experience sounds much like yours.
I know I have a problem because I can't control it. I can and have controlled when I start drinking but once I start all my good intentions go out the window. I don't know if I am going to drink 8 or 18 beers. I don't know if I'll black out at 3-4 beers or at 12... or at all.
I hated AA when I first went. It still kinda creeps me out. What I can tell you is that in those rooms are well intentioned people of all walks. What I found helped me was to attend many different meetings. I tried new ones all the time. I ended up really liking one group that had successful professionals like me. I also found a few quirky meetings that had folks I couldn't identify with but I felt comfortable because I felt all the more anonymous. Eventually I developed a sense of brotherhood, or belonging with them. It didn't come until I accepted that I didn't have control over my alcohol consumption.
Give it a chance. It will be uncomfortable. Keep looking until you find someone you look up to and they have what you want (just like looking for a mentor in business). If at first you don't find that best person... humble yourself and ask the person you most respect to help you pick a mentor (sponsor). I had to fake it for a long time... before I got healthy.
Eventually I believed I didn't need it anymore and well that was a bad decision I hope to not make again. Day 2 for me... so take all that with a grain of salt.
GL.
day 4 i feel like superman and naturally high and theni start to crave a drink becuase i feel so good and want to kicj it up even another notch. It's insane and makes no sense.
I've experienced real happiness and real joy again - that doesn't come out of a bottle.
Allow yourself the chance to experience those things again too RP
D
I wish I could drink moderately every day... and by moderate I'm thinking 8 beers... wtf... but I can't.
Tldr... I don't have a good answer... but I'm going to speculate it was because I only did 11.5 of the 12 steps and didn't continue to take inventory... I just did it once. So I build a strong house then did no maintenance.
I wish I could drink moderately every day... and by moderate I'm thinking 8 beers... wtf... but I can't.
Tldr... I don't have a good answer... but I'm going to speculate it was because I only did 11.5 of the 12 steps and didn't continue to take inventory... I just did it once. So I build a strong house then did no maintenance.
Yeah.....OUR idea of moderating is much different than people without addiction. Once addicted....there is no moderation. I actually thought at one point that only drinking half a huge bottle of mouthwash ...was moderating... Holy crap....I actually thought that.... Minty fresh...but drunk as H*LL....and destroying my insides.... ugh...
Yep, at least a quick 6 pack and a few more would mean "moderation" to me also. . .
Even though I'd tell myself I'll just have a couple and save the rest for another day.
Ha. That's almost as deluded as me getting a wine stopper for "leftovers".
Even though I'd tell myself I'll just have a couple and save the rest for another day.
Ha. That's almost as deluded as me getting a wine stopper for "leftovers".
Originally Posted by
I too am "high functioning" as I manage a large organization.
[B
I too am "high functioning" as I manage a large organization.
[B
It is killing me. I definitely blacked out on the 24th and lost several hours. My wife is barely talking to me. I have been wanting to go back to AA for months and even attended a meeting in sept. I know I have a problem.[/B]
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 66
A big help for me in reading all of this and that there is nothing unique about my story and certainly nothing special about it. That in itself helps
I'm here at day 4 and i'd be lying if i didn't say that the voice in my head to have a few on the way home is not shouting very loudly. i'm finding that if i eat a decent sized meal the craving goes away for the most part.
The first three days were a cakewalk, today not so much. I'm sure that is normal and not special also. I'm working to hold on
I'm here at day 4 and i'd be lying if i didn't say that the voice in my head to have a few on the way home is not shouting very loudly. i'm finding that if i eat a decent sized meal the craving goes away for the most part.
The first three days were a cakewalk, today not so much. I'm sure that is normal and not special also. I'm working to hold on
A big help for me in reading all of this and that there is nothing unique about my story and certainly nothing special about it. That in itself helps
I'm here at day 4 and i'd be lying if i didn't say that the voice in my head to have a few on the way home is not shouting very loudly. i'm finding that if i eat a decent sized meal the craving goes away for the most part.
The first three days were a cakewalk, today not so much. I'm sure that is normal and not special also. I'm working to hold on
I'm here at day 4 and i'd be lying if i didn't say that the voice in my head to have a few on the way home is not shouting very loudly. i'm finding that if i eat a decent sized meal the craving goes away for the most part.
The first three days were a cakewalk, today not so much. I'm sure that is normal and not special also. I'm working to hold on
You're doing great !!! And now......I want cake...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
A big help for me in reading all of this and that there is nothing unique about my story and certainly nothing special about it. That in itself helps
I'm here at day 4 and i'd be lying if i didn't say that the voice in my head to have a few on the way home is not shouting very loudly. i'm finding that if i eat a decent sized meal the craving goes away for the most part.
The first three days were a cakewalk, today not so much. I'm sure that is normal and not special also. I'm working to hold on
I'm here at day 4 and i'd be lying if i didn't say that the voice in my head to have a few on the way home is not shouting very loudly. i'm finding that if i eat a decent sized meal the craving goes away for the most part.
The first three days were a cakewalk, today not so much. I'm sure that is normal and not special also. I'm working to hold on
BUT I know better.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 66
Thanks - today is harder than i thought it would be. I went to lunch with a employee and had some soup and water - feeling a little better - going to hit the gym now and hope that drives the rest of it away for the day. It generally either drives it away or i feel so good that i "reward" myself. I know in my heart that its no reward though
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
Thanks - today is harder than i thought it would be. I went to lunch with a employee and had some soup and water - feeling a little better - going to hit the gym now and hope that drives the rest of it away for the day. It generally either drives it away or i feel so good that i "reward" myself. I know in my heart that its no reward though
RP
How are you doing?
The first days are hard but doable. If you “time” your cravings you’ll notice they really don’t last that long. You can ride it out. Eat something. Drink something fizzy and good for you. Even take a vitamin. Concentrate how how good it is to be putting something healthy in your body instead of poison. You are right: drinking is NOT a reward. It’s actual damage.
You can do this. You will never wake up tomorrow and say, “I wish I’d drunk last night.”
How are you doing?
The first days are hard but doable. If you “time” your cravings you’ll notice they really don’t last that long. You can ride it out. Eat something. Drink something fizzy and good for you. Even take a vitamin. Concentrate how how good it is to be putting something healthy in your body instead of poison. You are right: drinking is NOT a reward. It’s actual damage.
You can do this. You will never wake up tomorrow and say, “I wish I’d drunk last night.”
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)