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I'm crying, it must be bad....

Old 12-26-2017, 03:25 AM
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Originally Posted by JustTony View Post

I suppose I'm saying talk to him. Remind him of the man you married and of the beautiful kids you have. Ask him to be a bit more relaxed as seeing his smile makes you float. Seeing his frown makes you weep. Appeal to that side of him that still exists but is masked by depression/worries/drink (who knows).
I think this is exactly what I need to do. It will just be a gentle, short conversation today but only if I know I will be able to stay calm. I stayed in bed so late this morning using all the techniques I know to try to calm my anxiety. Boxing Day traffic will make or break me!!

I am currently sitting having a cup of tea while he scurries round cleaning & tidying. If I offer to help he says it is his job, end of conversation.

I'm off to pack for us all soon. Scotland will be ok, it will only be my husband drinking, no one else does.

Thanks for the contained support everyone, it means a lot.
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Old 12-26-2017, 04:44 AM
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Originally Posted by JJ991 View Post
...the reason I say that is my dose of citalopram blunts my emotions & I only cry when things are REALLY bad.

I won't go into lots of detail but my husband isn't the man I married anymore. The laid back, fun person has all but gone & has been replaced by a pretty intolerant, grumpy and "stressy" person. I can identify with stress and anxiety but I have put lots of work in to feel better..including giving up alcohol.

He cooked today which was great, but drank beer & a bottle of wine so went for an almost 3 hour "nap". I was ok, having sober fun with our young girls, it was lovely to be 100% there for them. But when my husband got up he stressed about the mess & starting tidying and getting in a grump. It doesn't sound much but this is pretty much every day, the mess seems to totally stress him. We used to not care about it, both of us....I think other things are more important, tidying can wait until the end of the day.

This sounds so petty but it is difficult to explain & I wanted to keep it short!

Home stuff is pretty much the reason I am on anxiety medication. I also used to drink to block it out. It would be so easy to drink now, there is loads in the house. I won't do it, but it would be SO easy. I will NOT go back to day 1 after 91 days.....

Sorry for the Christmas downer

Oh honey, do not apologise for anything. I am not in your shoes so I do not know what it is like, but it can't sound easy. Stay strong, love. It does get better - even if the road there is tough. Thinking of you. X
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Old 12-26-2017, 07:24 AM
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Originally Posted by JJ991 View Post
...the reason I say that is my dose of citalopram blunts my emotions & I only cry when things are REALLY bad.

I won't go into lots of detail but my husband isn't the man I married anymore. The laid back, fun person has all but gone & has been replaced by a pretty intolerant, grumpy and "stressy" person. I can identify with stress and anxiety but I have put lots of work in to feel better..including giving up alcohol.

He cooked today which was great, but drank beer & a bottle of wine so went for an almost 3 hour "nap". I was ok, having sober fun with our young girls, it was lovely to be 100% there for them. But when my husband got up he stressed about the mess & starting tidying and getting in a grump. It doesn't sound much but this is pretty much every day, the mess seems to totally stress him. We used to not care about it, both of us....I think other things are more important, tidying can wait until the end of the day.

This sounds so petty but it is difficult to explain & I wanted to keep it short!

Home stuff is pretty much the reason I am on anxiety medication. I also used to drink to block it out. It would be so easy to drink now, there is loads in the house. I won't do it, but it would be SO easy. I will NOT go back to day 1 after 91 days.....

Sorry for the Christmas downer
Youre not a downer......I know how stressful just getting sober is...add on the stress of the holidays plus the stress of a grumpy husband...its difficult. I went to see my family yesterday at my brothers house in Rochester Hills, MI. I have 3 brothers and 6 nieces and one nephew.....plus my Mom..and all my cousins and aunts and uncles. I havent seen nor spoken to ...any of them in two years. It was stressful and very awkward. My brothers didnt really want anything to do with me. They said Hi and Merry Christmas,....but that was really it. I was around a ton of people, but at the same time...very alone. I watched tv alone...I ate dinner alone...I went into the bathroom for a little while and cried. Im only 63 days sober so its going to take a long time to gain trust back and just them having me over for the holiday is a huge step for us all. But yes...I get it....the stress is enormous. And talk about alcohol all over the place...jeez....my brother has a finished basement with an actual movie theater in it and a fully stocked bar with every liquor you can imagine. Plus,....a fridge in the bar jam-packed with nothing but imported beers. It was a challenge and anytime I went anywhere in the house....I could feel all eyes on me. Like..."whats he doing now?" ...."wheres he going?" ..."Is he sneaking drinks?"....I was hurt and stressed. But,..I got through it. I love my family and am willing to muscle through the stress and time it will take to get back in their trusting, good graces.... Im with you. I get it. Im glad you made it through. Congrats on the 92 days sober !!!!
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Old 12-26-2017, 11:29 AM
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Gah. Hope your boxing days driving was better than mine. Sat on m11 for a good while this lunch time and surface water on way home made for hard work driving.

Hope you and hubs have been on better terms today.

BB
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Old 12-26-2017, 03:12 PM
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Oh BB it took ages to get to Scotland, awful traffic.

No conversation today, he was in a total grump. This isn't a new thing, hence the meltdown yesterday. Hoping for a bit of light relief when my brother arrives tomorrow.

Scarly, that sounds really tough for you. Sounds like you did amazingly well. Congrats on 63 days.

Thanks tiredwoman and everyone else.
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Old 12-27-2017, 01:09 AM
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Have a good day with your brother JJ.

It'll help to keep expectations of everyone low and gratitude for the little things high. I know it sounds silly but it really is true xxx
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Old 12-27-2017, 07:56 AM
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Snow here in Scotland so lots of fun sledging today! I haven't laughed so much in ages, it really was a tonic.

Had some awful anxiety during the night, struggled to tough it out but just had to remind myself that it will pass. Today made up for it!

I might need to look into more techniques for anxiety, I'll have a read around SR first. I was doing really well with it but I guess the holiday stress is making it worse.
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Old 12-27-2017, 08:07 AM
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Originally Posted by JJ991 View Post
Snow here in Scotland so lots of fun sledging today! I haven't laughed so much in ages, it really was a tonic.

Had some awful anxiety during the night, struggled to tough it out but just had to remind myself that it will pass. Today made up for it!

I might need to look into more techniques for anxiety, I'll have a read around SR first. I was doing really well with it but I guess the holiday stress is making it worse.
Whats "sledging" ?....lol...
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Old 12-27-2017, 08:15 AM
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Sled? Sledge? Toboggan? I'm sure I heard someone say sledding earlier so I've gone all English with sledging!
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Old 12-27-2017, 08:17 AM
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Originally Posted by JJ991 View Post
Snow here in Scotland so lots of fun sledging today! I haven't laughed so much in ages, it really was a tonic.

Had some awful anxiety during the night, struggled to tough it out but just had to remind myself that it will pass. Today made up for it!

I might need to look into more techniques for anxiety, I'll have a read around SR first. I was doing really well with it but I guess the holiday stress is making it worse.
Ohhh. It's decades since I got to go sledging. Bet it hurts more as an adult lol.

Yes, research as many anxiety relieving techniques as you can. Try them all and see what works for you. Simple breathing exercises really helped me get through the early period of sobriety, and I go back to them now when I need to. Prayer is a big help to me as well. Reading. Walking. Mindfulness. Calling a friend. Writing a gratitude list. These are all things that help me at times. Together they're better than alcohol ever was.

Enjoy your fun in the snow.

BB xx
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Old 12-27-2017, 08:27 AM
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Originally Posted by JJ991 View Post
Sled? Sledge? Toboggan? I'm sure I heard someone say sledding earlier so I've gone all English with sledging!
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Old 01-01-2018, 05:59 AM
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Started 2018 off by shouting & screaming at my husband. I'm not the shouting type but I'd had enough

We only got back from being away last night, first full day in the house since Christmas Day. He's stressing around, having a go at us all for not tidying up - we have neighbours coming round later, visitors always send him into overdrive.

I ended up screaming and shouting In front of our young girls, I feel terrible. He said the mess gets him anxious, but then his behaviour is so over the top. I actually told him to get out, I'd had enough. It stopped him in his tracks for a bit but he is off again now.

I think I actually mean it, I want him to get out, I can't deal with the stress of it all. I'm drinking tea & eating chocolate to try to calm down despite a house full of booze as usual.

Apologies for the New Year downer....
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Old 01-01-2018, 06:06 AM
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Hugs. You know, maybe that's just him. What about you and the girls going off for a walk / play in the park while he has he tidying up frenzy. It'll give you a timeout from each other, you and the girls some quality time together, and when you get back it'll be nice and tidy and you can both relax with your guests.

BB xx
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Old 01-01-2018, 06:30 AM
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Thanks BB. I'm going to take the youngest out to tesco (she enjoys it, strange girl!) I'm off to stock up on soft drinks for me and the kids today.

My husband has some issues with anxiety, he will be going back to his GP. I appreciate people don't stay the same in a marriage but this change is startling and too much for me to cope with. I'm feeling strong in my sobriety but too much of this is dangerous so early on.

Thanks.
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Old 01-01-2018, 06:36 AM
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Is Tesco open?? Oooo.
Might go get some healthy snackage. My essay is going VERY slowly today.

BB x
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Old 01-01-2018, 06:40 AM
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Originally Posted by Berrybean View Post
Is Tesco open?? Oooo.
Might go get some healthy snackage. My essay is going VERY slowly today.

BB x
It is indeed!! Good luck with the essay! Xx
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Old 01-01-2018, 07:07 AM
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Thanks. Got brain drain. X
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Old 01-01-2018, 07:45 AM
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I used to be the one who would stress out about mess, particularly before company came over, so I sort of understand your husband's issue.

I'd start stressing out over what was messy, how it was messy, how much time it would take to make it unmessy, and how nobody else cleaned the way I liked it done, etc., etc.

My tapes would tell me I was the only one who could clean it all up. Before I knew it, I'd be telling myself no one else cares, I'm the only one who cares whether the place is clean, I can't do it all by myself, why doesn't anybody else care the way I do, what's wrong with them, they are inconsiderate, this is horrible, etc., etc.

Downward spiral into crazy town.

What would have helped me out of it (in addition to working on the interior tapes)? Perhaps if my partner saw the behavior happening and they asked me the question: are you alright?

Assuming I felt safe enough to say, no, I'm feeling stressed out and here's why, if my partner could bring rationality (and compassion) to my distress by saying things like, "It's going to be okay, we will help you clean, you don't have to do it all by yourself, let go of perfection" I believe the crazy interior dialog would loosen it's grip.

I think such an interaction might be helpful.

Of course, this is all largely theoretical. Sometimes the best thing for me is to walk away and take a breather.

In the end, you cannot change your spouse and your spouse needs to learn acceptance of things as they are. You can only offer loving support, then detach from the results. Good luck and happy new year!
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Old 01-01-2018, 07:59 AM
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I hope I'm not going to be too controversial but could I offer an alternative view that might be worth considering JJ?

Your husband is suffering from anxiety, that manifests itself in emotional outbursts around getting the house tidy (especially when people come round). I'm sure he hates getting anxious and moody as it is no fun to be like that?

You are suffering from alcohol addiction - a different affliction, which is also terrible to live with.

Could it be that you both need to support each other a far deal more with what you are respectively suffering from? Maybe he shouldn't stock the house with so much booze knowing that you are trying so hard to be sober and perhaps you could then be a little more forgiving of his mood swings caused by anxiety?

Obviously I am only working on headline details that have been supplied (so I could be talking nonsense and this thing is by no means evenly balanced?) but I just reflected that none of us are perfect and perhaps this needs to be front and centre of considerations?

Regards,

JT
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Old 01-01-2018, 12:33 PM
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Carpathia, I think it is pretty much as you describe, and it is definitely a downward spiral to crazy town I do ask if he is ok, I try to help, but it seems to have gone so far that it is difficult to bring things back. It is also hard to get time to talk with 2 kids but we will have to try. I really am not the sort of person who shouts, I try to be supportive but I'm struggling with so many issues of my own.

JT, I am far from perfect!! Sadly I suffer from anxiety too, a lot of it caused by home stuff (& probably alcohol in the past). This makes it hard for me. It's odd, I know how horrible he must be feeling but I just can't always deal with it. He is going back to his GP soon to discuss it again. I've been forgiving of his moods for such a long time now, I'm struggling.

I'll re read this when I'm more level again & see what I can do (I appreciate I'm in defensive mode right now!)

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