45 days....and I'm not sure
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,384
Hi widklflower
I can tell you from experience that contining to drink will not relieve the pain, not in the long run - drinking calls a halt to to healing, the wound stays red and raw and we require more and more alcohol to get that numbing effect.
Eventually no amount of alcohol 'works'.
Dealing with the pain is tough - but you're not alone - you have support here, and there is support in other places too.
You may find like I did that its not as tough as we fear it might be.
If your family is toxic to you, cut them off. I did that for several years. It was a godsend to my recovery and to the reestablishment of my real self.
Dont let others keep you down - you were born for something better than this
The first step to healing and change is not drinking anymore.
D
I can tell you from experience that contining to drink will not relieve the pain, not in the long run - drinking calls a halt to to healing, the wound stays red and raw and we require more and more alcohol to get that numbing effect.
Eventually no amount of alcohol 'works'.
Dealing with the pain is tough - but you're not alone - you have support here, and there is support in other places too.
You may find like I did that its not as tough as we fear it might be.
If your family is toxic to you, cut them off. I did that for several years. It was a godsend to my recovery and to the reestablishment of my real self.
Dont let others keep you down - you were born for something better than this
The first step to healing and change is not drinking anymore.
D
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Originally Posted by wildflower70 
hi BBean,
please tell me how to go on..I am so hurt...I can't do this alone
please tell me how to go on..I am so hurt...I can't do this alone
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-plans-2.html
It might help to read through this as well. It explains why we need to do more than just stop drinking and helped me to make the leap and do what I wasn't willing to do at first... https://digital-dharma.net/post-acut...r-immediately/
You can lean in and push past this pain. Pray to God to help you and he will. But sometimes what he gives us is a shovel and we have to use it.
God bless. Xxxx
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
WF,
I have had the same thing with my eldest daughter.
She hated me, with good reason.
She still does at moments, again with good reason.
But it hurts me to my core, and the only time I ever think about drinking is when she goes off on me.
BUT it IS getting better. Much better.
But it took time. Years. But the hurt I installed was also over years.
So even though she is an adult now, I have to be the grownup in the room.
No matter how bad it is, she is, she is starting to trust that I do not and will not drink.
And that is the only way we will EVER heal.
I predict that if you make the decision today, Christmas 2017, that you will never drink again no matter how hard it is, no matter how bad she is, she will get there.
She is goading you. They both are. Its the first sign of trust rebuilding -- look how bad I am, I know she will drink.
Don't prove her right.
I have had the same thing with my eldest daughter.
She hated me, with good reason.
She still does at moments, again with good reason.
But it hurts me to my core, and the only time I ever think about drinking is when she goes off on me.
BUT it IS getting better. Much better.
But it took time. Years. But the hurt I installed was also over years.
So even though she is an adult now, I have to be the grownup in the room.
No matter how bad it is, she is, she is starting to trust that I do not and will not drink.
And that is the only way we will EVER heal.
I predict that if you make the decision today, Christmas 2017, that you will never drink again no matter how hard it is, no matter how bad she is, she will get there.
She is goading you. They both are. Its the first sign of trust rebuilding -- look how bad I am, I know she will drink.
Don't prove her right.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
I am an alcoholic, I am the daughter of an alcoholic, I have a daughter (17). I think I can relate to some of this.
I don't want to be harsh. I know you hurting and I can completely understand that. So please try to read my post knowing its coming from a place of concern, no criticism.
How your daughter feels about you, reacts to you, treats you is actually not in your control. How you react to her is what is key. She is angry, hurt. I'm not sure how old she is but when you say this isn't the daughter you raised, well doesn't sound like you raised her, so no it isn't. But she is your daughter. Your drinking is the reason you lost her, drinking won't get her back. That's simply a fact. Awfulizing and catastrophizing is your AV in full throttle. Your addiction doesn't want you doing things to stay sober so it loves this 'poor me' thinking. When this triggered try to ground yourself. Accept that the external world, which includes your daughter, is how it is. Accept that the only way through the pain is through it. There aren't short cuts. Accept that the only path back to your daughter is the sober one.
When I'm sober I'm so fricken amazed. Wow. I'm sober. Look everyone, I'm sober. Hey you, over there, I'M SOBER. But guess what, no one really cares. Wow. You mean not being a wasted mess is a minimum expectation for just showing up for life? Who knew? We on this forum can understand each other. We get that staying sober is really fricken hard and quite contrary to our 'nature' if you will. We're addicts. But normal people? They don't get this. So they aren't going to be giving us medals, coins, applause, hugs, etc etc just because we're doing what everyone else does. Everyone that isn't an addict. So yeah, I can be sober a couple of years and my daughter isn't doing happy dances for me all the time. And I can't expect her to. She is grateful that I'm not a sloppy, blithering, puking mess I'm sure. But she doesn't think about that all the time. And yeah, when I drink, any good deeds I've done go right out the door. Oh well. That's why commiserating with other alcoholics is so important. You guys get it.
Stay sober. Get help. Its the only way.
I don't want to be harsh. I know you hurting and I can completely understand that. So please try to read my post knowing its coming from a place of concern, no criticism.
How your daughter feels about you, reacts to you, treats you is actually not in your control. How you react to her is what is key. She is angry, hurt. I'm not sure how old she is but when you say this isn't the daughter you raised, well doesn't sound like you raised her, so no it isn't. But she is your daughter. Your drinking is the reason you lost her, drinking won't get her back. That's simply a fact. Awfulizing and catastrophizing is your AV in full throttle. Your addiction doesn't want you doing things to stay sober so it loves this 'poor me' thinking. When this triggered try to ground yourself. Accept that the external world, which includes your daughter, is how it is. Accept that the only way through the pain is through it. There aren't short cuts. Accept that the only path back to your daughter is the sober one.
When I'm sober I'm so fricken amazed. Wow. I'm sober. Look everyone, I'm sober. Hey you, over there, I'M SOBER. But guess what, no one really cares. Wow. You mean not being a wasted mess is a minimum expectation for just showing up for life? Who knew? We on this forum can understand each other. We get that staying sober is really fricken hard and quite contrary to our 'nature' if you will. We're addicts. But normal people? They don't get this. So they aren't going to be giving us medals, coins, applause, hugs, etc etc just because we're doing what everyone else does. Everyone that isn't an addict. So yeah, I can be sober a couple of years and my daughter isn't doing happy dances for me all the time. And I can't expect her to. She is grateful that I'm not a sloppy, blithering, puking mess I'm sure. But she doesn't think about that all the time. And yeah, when I drink, any good deeds I've done go right out the door. Oh well. That's why commiserating with other alcoholics is so important. You guys get it.
Stay sober. Get help. Its the only way.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
I think in life it is everyone's lesson to learn forgiveness towards oneself and towards others.
Keep staying the Course and doing what is right for you. Drinking will not help you. In fact it will only make your situation worse.
Keep staying the Course and doing what is right for you. Drinking will not help you. In fact it will only make your situation worse.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,036
Hi Wildflower,
I'm sorry you are having such a tough time, family can definitely be a trigger. You need to be sober for you. If you are able to have a relationship with your daughter in the future, that would be great, but in the meantime focus on the people in your life you have positive relationships with.
Hope you aren't drinking today.
I'm sorry you are having such a tough time, family can definitely be a trigger. You need to be sober for you. If you are able to have a relationship with your daughter in the future, that would be great, but in the meantime focus on the people in your life you have positive relationships with.
Hope you aren't drinking today.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Phoenix
Posts: 1,189
[QUOTE=Berrybean;6721093]Your AV is on the rampage right now.
Just read through your posts from the last few years. No offense, but you havent tried 5 years of recovery. You've stayed sober and relapsed on and off. That isn't the same as staying sober consistently and working on your recovery.
Maybe you need to take another look at your recovery plan. So you can start getting well and find new ways to cope with pain. Whether it's from your family or just life, there will always be pain. But there are other ways of dealing with it. Recovery is how we learn those ways.
You are correct BB, I haven't been completely sober for 5 years. However, it was 5 years ago that I realized that I needed to change, and during this time I still haven't seen her. If you don't see someone for 5 years, how can you (my daughter) judge me? For all she knows I've been living in a convent....My son has forgiven me, and by the way, I wasn't a hard core drunk while they were at home, but yes for a few months they saw me drink too much. I didn't do enough to deserve a life long sentence, unless I'm not seeing things clearly. I appreciate all of your responses, and your help is greatly appreciated! bless you all
Just read through your posts from the last few years. No offense, but you havent tried 5 years of recovery. You've stayed sober and relapsed on and off. That isn't the same as staying sober consistently and working on your recovery.
Maybe you need to take another look at your recovery plan. So you can start getting well and find new ways to cope with pain. Whether it's from your family or just life, there will always be pain. But there are other ways of dealing with it. Recovery is how we learn those ways.
You are correct BB, I haven't been completely sober for 5 years. However, it was 5 years ago that I realized that I needed to change, and during this time I still haven't seen her. If you don't see someone for 5 years, how can you (my daughter) judge me? For all she knows I've been living in a convent....My son has forgiven me, and by the way, I wasn't a hard core drunk while they were at home, but yes for a few months they saw me drink too much. I didn't do enough to deserve a life long sentence, unless I'm not seeing things clearly. I appreciate all of your responses, and your help is greatly appreciated! bless you all
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Phoenix
Posts: 1,189
Originally Posted by Dee74
Hi widklflower
I can tell you from experience that contining to drink will not relieve the pain, not in the long run - drinking calls a halt to to healing, the wound stays red and raw and we require more and more alcohol to get that numbing effect.
Eventually no amount of alcohol 'works'.
Dealing with the pain is tough - but you're not alone - you have support here, and there is support in other places too.
You may find like I did that its not as tough as we fear it might be.
If your family is toxic to you, cut them off. I did that for several years. It was a godsend to my recovery and to the reestablishment of my real self.
Dont let others keep you down - you were born for something better than this
The first step to healing and change is not drinking anymore.
D
I can tell you from experience that contining to drink will not relieve the pain, not in the long run - drinking calls a halt to to healing, the wound stays red and raw and we require more and more alcohol to get that numbing effect.
Eventually no amount of alcohol 'works'.
Dealing with the pain is tough - but you're not alone - you have support here, and there is support in other places too.
You may find like I did that its not as tough as we fear it might be.
If your family is toxic to you, cut them off. I did that for several years. It was a godsend to my recovery and to the reestablishment of my real self.
Dont let others keep you down - you were born for something better than this
The first step to healing and change is not drinking anymore.
D
I want to also thank you, for always being so supportive and welcoming, even when I falter. This is my lifeline right now..
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
No, but what she does and says is beyond your control. All you can change is how you react to it. I know that when I'd been sober a while and worked on my recovery I was much more able to deal with things than when I was still,drinking, or when I was early days sober but hadn't done any recovery work.
Have you ever read the AA promises? I didn't believe it was possible that they could ever come true for me, but they did. It's been such a gift. And that's not because poop doesn't happen any more. It's just because my outlook has changed so it doesn't make things feel so hopeless,and I'm not walking round in a complete state of emotional bewilderment and fear, with a sack full of shame on one shoulder and another sack full of resentments on the other.
Sobriety is a good start, but it is recovery that makes that sobriety bearable, sustainable and eventually preferable to drinking. Honest.
BB
PS. The promises of AA....
...We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.
No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away.
Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.
Have you ever read the AA promises? I didn't believe it was possible that they could ever come true for me, but they did. It's been such a gift. And that's not because poop doesn't happen any more. It's just because my outlook has changed so it doesn't make things feel so hopeless,and I'm not walking round in a complete state of emotional bewilderment and fear, with a sack full of shame on one shoulder and another sack full of resentments on the other.
Sobriety is a good start, but it is recovery that makes that sobriety bearable, sustainable and eventually preferable to drinking. Honest.
BB
PS. The promises of AA....
...We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.
No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away.
Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,384
Originally Posted by wildflower70
Dee, how did you deal with the separation from family? I had a therapist tell me 15 years ago that I should step away from them, that my family is toxic.
I want to also thank you, for always being so supportive and welcoming, even when I falter. This is my lifeline right now..
I want to also thank you, for always being so supportive and welcoming, even when I falter. This is my lifeline right now..
They knew I'd quit drinking and that was the reason I gave for not going to family social events.
I did not confront them with anything because I knew it would do no good and would keep me involved in family drama.. I simply said I can't, I'm busy, I'm working..
I communicated by phone for a couple of years.. If I was felt uncomfortable I said Ihave to go and hung up.
Gradually, I began to build up a kind of internal compass where I found my own true north.
I started to trust my own instincts over others.
My family might think x about me but I have evidence that it's them who's flawed.
I no longer let them or anyone rentt space in my head.
This was a long process, I'm simplifying it for the post...but it is very very possible for anyone
Nowadays my family and I have what I think is about as normal a relationship as is possible in my family. The snipes and jabs at me don't happen anymore.
Somehow in the act of just walking away and building my own life,the dynamic changed.
D
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 156
Wildflower, 45 day friend. I am so so sorry that you are being attacked so viciously, especially when you are vulnerable. I had to cut ties with my mother, which I realize is not the same as a daughter. Still it was the most difficult thing I ever had to do. It still is 15 years later. I did it for my own sanity. You have to save your self first. If you don’t save yourself, you will never be able to have the relationship you desire with your daughter. Save yourself Wildflower!!! Please, you are worth it. I think you are amazing! You are in the most difficult battle for your life. I Know how strong you are making choosing to be sober for 45 days. Do this for YOU!!! Sending you my love and prayers
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Phoenix
Posts: 1,189
Hi 24 Violets,
I didn't make it, I caved in, I drank, a lot. I think this was coming before I made the decision to drink. I'm not even sure if I drank over the loss of my daughter, that happened a long time ago. I think that I drank because I could, simple as that, I could drown my sorrows, I could make the days alone less boring, bla, bla, bla.
I am ashamed to say that, I know the consequences.
I didn't make it, I caved in, I drank, a lot. I think this was coming before I made the decision to drink. I'm not even sure if I drank over the loss of my daughter, that happened a long time ago. I think that I drank because I could, simple as that, I could drown my sorrows, I could make the days alone less boring, bla, bla, bla.
I am ashamed to say that, I know the consequences.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 156
Hi friend, I'm glad your still here. I'm so glad you are still checking in. Come back and join me again, please. I am just going to give you my $.02 , you can tell me to shut up if you want to. Here goes. You said you got sober in hopes of bettering the relationship with your daughter. She sounds like she has her own issues. You can not change her or make her want to come back. I pray for you she will. You do this for YOU!! Come on my friend, I believe you deserve a lovely life. I believe it is waiting for us. Drinking only makes it go away for a tiny bit, it always comes roaring back worse than ever. Stuffing or numbing feelings only makes them take on a vicious life of their own. They can enslave us. It always reminds me of a time I was pulled too far in the ocean, being tossed about and held under by rough waves. I thought I was going to drown. I kept fighting and couldn't seem to find the surface. If I managed to surface, I got a mouthful of water and then got slammed on the bottom again and again. It is how I feel when I am struggling really bad to this day. I always remember that fight for what felt like my life. In the midst of it I realized fighting wasn't working and decided to relax. I felt the fury of the wave slam me again and summersalt me around. I eventually began to float much more peacefully and my face broke the surface for a beautiful breath of air. By relaxing and surrendering, the waves rolled over and crashed on shore. Now when bad feelings, anxiety, or memories come roaring at me, I know if I don't panic, just surrender, they will wash over me and through me, not drown me. I'm here for you my wildflower friend,
Violets
Violets
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Phoenix
Posts: 1,189
Thanks 24 violets,
Your post has brought me to tears. I feel like I have a friend here with me now. I am hanging on to your words, your positive energy, and the idea that I can find support here in beautiful people like you..thank you so much xx
Your post has brought me to tears. I feel like I have a friend here with me now. I am hanging on to your words, your positive energy, and the idea that I can find support here in beautiful people like you..thank you so much xx
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Originally Posted by wildflower70
Hi 24 Violets,
I didn't make it, I caved in, I drank, a lot. I think this was coming before I made the decision to drink. I'm not even sure if I drank over the loss of my daughter, that happened a long time ago. I think that I drank because I could, simple as that, I could drown my sorrows, I could make the days alone less boring, bla, bla, bla.
I am ashamed to say that, I know the consequences.
I didn't make it, I caved in, I drank, a lot. I think this was coming before I made the decision to drink. I'm not even sure if I drank over the loss of my daughter, that happened a long time ago. I think that I drank because I could, simple as that, I could drown my sorrows, I could make the days alone less boring, bla, bla, bla.
I am ashamed to say that, I know the consequences.
Well done for recognising it, and owning it. I hope that this means you're ready to draw a line under it, tip anything away that is left, and take a good hard look at what you can add to your recovery plan.
How about getting to a meeting today? Treat yourself to being among people who understand your pain.
BB
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Phoenix
Posts: 1,189
Not really violets, I couldn't handle the hangover, I used to ease the pain. I'm sorry to report this, just being honest. You asking me if I'm okay means so much, you have restored my faith in humanity.
Thank you....
Thank you....
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 156
Oh I’ve been there before. It would make me feel better until I woke up in the middle of the night realizing I was freaking smashed again, praying the hangover wouldn’t be as bad as the day before. Take it easy tonight friend
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Phoenix
Posts: 1,189
Hi BB,
I can't go to a meeting. I can't bring myself to walk thru those doors again. I went to one meeting 5 years ago and cried like I never have before. One full hour of crying, like a babbling idiot. I can't do that again, not to myself or the other members. There has to be another way....
I can't go to a meeting. I can't bring myself to walk thru those doors again. I went to one meeting 5 years ago and cried like I never have before. One full hour of crying, like a babbling idiot. I can't do that again, not to myself or the other members. There has to be another way....
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