Newbie in need of advice
 

Hi there, I have been in a relationship with an alcoholic for 13 years, I only realized he was an alcoholic about 5 years ago. I still feel a little stupid for not figuring it out earlier.

At that time he would go out drinking with office friends and I would make dinner by myself and wonder where he was and become angry when I was in bed alone, worried he would drive drunk or be arrested or worse get into a fight.

After many fights and heartbreak and flowers the next morning, he agreed it was a problem and stopped going out without me and promised to never drink and drive.

Unfortunately I took a few more years to realize it wasn't the friends influencing him but the alcohol. He can drink more than anyone I know and "seems" to not get drunk but once he starts he can't stop. After having a number of fights, he agreed to see a therapist and he tried to limit his drinking by only drinking light beer at home.

In the last two years he has "relapsed" a number of times and I only find out by accident (finding half drunk bottles of wine hidden in the garage).

When I confront him, he is upset that I am not proud of the progress he has made and he doesn't understand why I'm so hurt. I try to explain that I am here to support him if he wants to stop but I can't handle the deceptive behavior, I want to be a part of his recovery but he blocks me out. If I say I am loosing my trust in him, he gets very angry as if I should trust him no matter what he does or hides from me because he is so great with everything else in our life.

I dont know what to do now. He refuses to join a program and is determined that it's his issue and he needs to deal with it alone. He won't even talk to anyone else about it.

I feel like I chose to be with him and I should be there for him but that means I will have to give up on what I want in life.

Hi Clep[at - welcome :)
yeah it's a lonely place to be when your loved one won;t give up and won;t acknowledge the pain he's causing for you.

You;re not alone tho - there's a lot of advice support and understanding here, both in this forum and our Friend and Family forums too.

I think you need to ask yourself whether this is the life you want and whether you think it's the kind of life you deserve.

I know - through thick and thin - but your husband had a part to part in this situation too.

I don't think anyone would willingly chose this life for themselves if they knew what would happen from the outset.

I really encourage you to read around and think about whats best for you.
D

Cleopat,

Sounds like a situation I've been in.

Speaking from my own experience, no one could/can make me stop, no matter what, unless I want to. Initially, I considered myself, which I may have been at the time, a "high functioning" alcoholic and it had very little impact in various aspects of my life. But I've slowly been regressing over the months and years where it has been, in a big way. Personal relationships have started to erode, my career is faltering, my health is now taking a battering, and now it's recently gotten me into trouble with the law. All the while I too said "I'm fine, I don't have a large problem.. Not like others!"

My girlfriend has been very supportive and caring, almost enabling me at times. I know she feels hopeless at times, and it pains me. I know in my heart of hearts I need to stop, and sometimes I go for a few weeks.. But like the person you're with, once I have that one drink it's game on, usually until I'm black out drunk..

I've done and said similar stuff.. Hiding bottles and saying no more hard stuff, just beer... But eventually I revert to my increasingly self-destructive ways. Hell, even right now I'm going through some withdrawals from my last bender that ended a couple days ago. I feel horrible, physically/mentally, haven't slept for nearly 2 days and am ashamed I disappointed loved ones yet again.. This wasn't a scenario for me just 2 years ago, where I'd maybe just have a headache and could limit myself.

There's no easy answer or advice I can say offer. It's really going to be up to him when he really wants to quit.

Perhaps attending al-anon meetings? Speaking with people that are living through this from the same experience would be helpful in coping.

I hope you find a resolution, good luck.

I don't have anything to add to what's already been said, I just wanted to say I hope you can sort things out, to take care of you in all this. X

Hi sorry for your difficult time.

A year ago I was your husband and you sound a lot like you are going through what my better half did.
I said a did a lot of the things your other half has with quite striking similarities.
I had more excuses than the Government, anything to stop anything or anyone taking my drinking away from me.

I was in heavy denial at this point.
The reason I post is to offer some Hope.

From being that guy I am now 105 days sober and part of a programme. Neither me or my better half could have predicted that this would be the case, everything seems so dark and hopeless when you are right in the eye of the storm.
I hope your spouse admits defeat to alcohol like Inhad to do in order to break free from the denial and start building a better life.
All the best to you and your family.

Hi, Cleo--glad you found SR and hoping you can take the time to read around the forums. There is a TON of inspiration and education to be had here.

I'd like to second the suggestion that you check into the "Family and Friends" section of the forum. Everybody there will understand your situation and questions, as we're in all stages of learning to deal with an alcoholic in our lives as well as how to deal with our OWN lives. Link here: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/

Please stop by and introduce yourself when you have a moment.

Hi Cleopat,

I'm sorry you're in an unhappy situation. I hope that your husband decides to seek support for his alcoholism.

For you, I would suggest AlAnon in your city as a support. And, do check out the Friends & Families Forum on this board.

Him saying that it's "his issue and he needs to deal with it alone" ... translates to: "Stay out of it...don't snoop...so I can continue to drink"....

He has no interest in stopping or actually getting help. You need to help YOURSELF.....please. Maybe try Al-Anon....

The hard cold truth is there is nothing you can do. Alcoholism is a disease of denial. However, there is something which can help you, Al-anon is programme for friends and family of alcoholics. This may help you massively x x x Sending you huge amount of love and hugs x x x

In spite of your situation....I really hope you have a MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Sorry to hear of your situation. The hardest part of having addicts in your life is watching them and not being able to help. I agree that you need alanon and you might have to leave. You don't get him drunk and you won't get him sober. Letting go is the best way you can help him. It sounds and feels wrong but it one of the most successful approaches. Most alcoholics have chosen or created a co-dependant lifestyle. Take away their support system and their bottom hits them hard. Good luck and get some help from an objective professional. it will help you see and understand the situation from a non-emotional perspective.

In my view we should never compromise our own shot of life and that slice of happiness that we all deserve, why should anyone be allowed to jeopardise that.

It's a very lonely and frustrating place looking in on someone else's addiction from the sidelines, when we want the best for someone, but they don't want to put in the hard work and effort to turn things around themselves, sure they might change one day, but what if they don't?

Don't let your own life pass you by waiting on someone to turn around there's, as they may not!! :hug: