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Needing advice for ending a relationship with an alcoholic

Old 12-23-2017, 11:42 AM
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Needing advice for ending a relationship with an alcoholic

I am in vicious downward spiral with my alcoholic husband and I am trying (and failing!) at getting out of it as amicably as possible.

We met about a year and a half ago after we both had just gotten out of relationships that we were in for over 8 years (we are both almost 30 now). We were depressed and drinking our sorrows away, and since misery loves company, we hit it off. One drunken day we got married at the courthouse because he said it would help give him the courage to quit drinking and smoking cigarettes. He was also insanely jealous and would constantly accuse me and make up drunken delusions in his head that I was cheating which he promised to stop if we were married. Boy, was I an idiot. Shortly after that, I got more or less sober and realized that I don't even like him as a person. He is tolerable when he is sober but I cannot stand him when he drinks which is anytime he isn't working. He also gets verbally and sometimes mildly physically violent when he gets too drunk. I have tried to end it with him several times over the last 4 or 5 months. He gets very upset everytime I bring it up, causing him to drink more and us to fight leaving no chance for me to even talk to him about it when he is sober.
The other problem is he cannot affors a place on his own and has no family or friend's houses to which he can go. I wouldn't mind him staying as a roommate for a bit if he could get sober, but he keeps trying to guilt trip me into saying he has no reason to get sober without me. He has also tried and failed over the last few months and refuses to go to rehab or AA. I also recently found out he has been a severe alcoholic for about 10 years(he has being drinking anywhere from 400mL to 1L of liquor daily and he isn't large guy) and it wasn't just because of his breakup like he previously infered.
I don't have thousands of dollars to spend on a lawyer for a divorce, so I really need to be on good terms with him. I am at a loss and do not know what to do. It is a very unhealthy situation and as you can imagine, it makes me want to drink too which is a whole other struggle.
Any advice would be great. I have tried both being a supportive friend as well as being cold and stern and neither are working.
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Old 12-23-2017, 12:01 PM
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I'm sorry you find yourself in this tricky situation. Amazing what we can do when constantly drunk. Then throw in heart break and rebound. Ugh.

So you've only known him 18 months so ya haven't been together too long. Do you own things jointly? Did you have a child? I'm not an attorney (you really need to consult one) but I think you just file and take it from there. I know being on good terms is what is easiest but that may not be possible based on what you've written. Is the place you are in yours?

Well, best of luck. Spend a couple hundred on a consultation. Some attorneys may do the first apt free as well.
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Old 12-23-2017, 12:02 PM
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I would get legally separated first.... His drinking would pretty much give you the upper hand in a divorce battle. But it sucks that you probably have to go that route... Im sorry you are going through this...
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Old 12-23-2017, 12:02 PM
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I'd like to 'think' that I'd sober up quick and get into a recovery program if faced with being homeless,but that's just me. I also know that's not the case for lots of addicted people. We all have our own priorities. I really think you'll have to get the ball rolling on your separation/divorce because he doesn't seem ready to stop. As far as expensive lawyers, if there's no kids or joint assets it should be a relatively cheap process. I also doubt that he can afford an expensive divorce 'battle' if he can't afford his own place..

Also.. The friends and family section here might be able to give you some more advice on leaving the A.
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Old 12-23-2017, 12:10 PM
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I don't think that it's possible to be on good terms with an active alcoholic unless you're doing, giving and saying exactly what they want at that moment, and even that can change at the drop of a hat. You are being completely reasonable, but all he's likely to hear is that his alcoholic lifestyle is being threatened. He will come out fighting. And its unlikely to be fair.

You say You can't afford to get a solicitor. I'd argue that, given the experiences of most, you can't afford to NOT have one.

I'd also suggest getting some emotional support from people who've walked your path. Have you looked into AlAnon meetings in your area?
I reckon the folks over in the friends and family area will have some advice that will stand you in good stead as well... https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/ and if you haven't read the stickies over in that area I'd say that now wouldn't be a moment too soon.

Wishing you all the best for a smooth disentaglement.
BB
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Old 12-23-2017, 12:28 PM
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I think that you have a difficult situation and that you should focus on your needs. Your husband will get sober or not, whether you are involved in his life or not. It might be worthwhile to make some calls to lawyers to see what costs you would be involved in a divorce.
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Old 12-23-2017, 01:40 PM
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you haven't been married very long, so there can't be a lot of joint assets to disburse, retirement accounts, property......the legal part of the divorce "should" be fairly straight forward. it might even be possible to get an annulment. however, you WILL need legal counsel - most attorneys offer a free intro consult.

his drinking is established and existed long before you came along. you are not obligated to GET him sober, nor is there any truth to his lie that he can't do without you. that hasn't panned out so far.

he was living somewhere before you met. that was only a year and a half ago. he is far more capable than he is trying to force you to believe.
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Old 12-23-2017, 06:55 PM
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Welcome to the Forum RogueCat!!
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