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Should I let my husband breathalyze me?

Old 12-21-2017, 09:32 AM
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Unhappy Should I let my husband breathalyze me?

I am early in recovery. While active in addiction my husband would want to breathalyze me. he asked me again last night. I was sober...just super tired. I refused. Was I right or wrong to do so? I probably should have. I ts just that it makes me feel like a criminal.
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Old 12-21-2017, 09:40 AM
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hey, welcome to recovery.

Have you told him this? I think the two of you have a lot of rebuilding to do. Trust has been broken, right?

Personally I would not ask someone to take a breathalyzer nor would I like doing one for a family member. It sets you both up in unhealthy ways.

I do understand if there are kids involved, though. That would be the variable that would change my answer.
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Old 12-21-2017, 09:45 AM
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I think I would struggle with that too tbh. Have you thought about going to see someone together, like couples counselling? It would be a chance to work through some stuff and come up with positive, supportive strategies together to help build trust again. Just a thought.
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Old 12-21-2017, 09:48 AM
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Welcome!

I think having your husband do a breathalyzer test would set up a very unhealthy dynamic.

Rather, I think you both need to work on trust issues and accept that this might take some time.
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Old 12-21-2017, 09:51 AM
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My first thought when I read your post was 'wtf'? This screams control to me, and the only person who should control you is YOU!!

Maybe his intentions are honourable but you're not under arrest and you're not at work. Talk to him!
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Old 12-21-2017, 10:04 AM
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Interestingly, I had a similar conversation with husband a few days ago. HOWEVER, I was the one suggesting that if at any time he was suspicious he could breathalyze me. He declined, but let me explain my reasoning. Previously, when I would be accused of drinking I would get defensive. EVERY time. For one of two reasons: either I wasn't and HOW DARE he accuse me... or (more often) I was and I wasn't ABOUT to admit it. (He already knew... I think I am SOOOO clever and sneaky... I'm not) But guess what...? The reactions look the same to him.
I figured it was a way to hold myself accountable and really, what would be the only reason to decline? I'd have to have been drinking right? Otherwise why would I pass up the chance to vindicate myself?
The difference here, as I see it, is WHO suggested it.
That's just my 2 cents, coming from some one who is still very early in recovery (5 days) but DESPERATELY wants to get it right this time.
Just something to think on... congratulations on making a go at sobriety ☺
KG

disclaimer: I DID hide and sneak booze
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Old 12-21-2017, 10:08 AM
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I wouldn't like that either. It makes him the 'bad cop', which is not healthy in a relationship.
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Old 12-21-2017, 10:10 AM
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I think it depends. If any of my family wants to know my drinking habits, I let them know, so there's never been any reason to be breathalyzed; I'm always brutally honest and never hide anything.

If someone was hiding booze, drinking on the down low and broke trust time and time again, then I don't think one can become indignant when asked for proof early in recovery. It just depends on the previous history, imo.

Disclaimer: not married
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Old 12-21-2017, 10:23 AM
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Originally Posted by mumther911 View Post
I am early in recovery. While active in addiction my husband would want to breathalyze me. he asked me again last night. I was sober...just super tired. I refused. Was I right or wrong to do so? I probably should have. I ts just that it makes me feel like a criminal.
absolutely right. I wouldn't allow it. You are a person getting sober for yourself. if he cannot trust you then he needs to walk away - and that is his right to do so. you're not a second class citizen because you're an alcoholic.
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Old 12-21-2017, 10:34 AM
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Welcome to Sober Recovery.

Originally Posted by mumther911 View Post
I am early in recovery.
How long sober? Are you engaged in a formal substance abuse or recovery program?

I hope you continue to use SR for support and help in your recovery.
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Old 12-21-2017, 10:45 AM
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3 weeks sober. he has also threatened to throw me out if i refuse a breathalyzer.
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Old 12-21-2017, 10:58 AM
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Originally Posted by mumther911 View Post
3 weeks sober. he has also threatened to throw me out if i refuse a breathalyzer.
Throw you out??? He is NOT your landlord...he is your HUSBAND. This reminds me of a certain phrase... "Do you take this woman as your lawfully wedded wife...THROUGH SICKNESS AND HEALTH as long as you both shall live?"
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Old 12-21-2017, 11:11 AM
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sometimes spouses reach the end of their ropes too........
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Old 12-21-2017, 11:12 AM
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Kind of on the fence here. If the trust and relationship has broken down to the point he wants you out of the home if you are drinking, you guys are in dangerous territory.
Then there begs the question, are there kids involved. Have you driven in a black out? Personally I think every vehicle should have a breathalyzer in it, but that is me.
I can honestly see both sides on this one. I've been married to a drunk and been the drunk. I've been so desperate for them to try and help themselves and been on the receiving end of someone so desperate for me to help myself.
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Old 12-21-2017, 11:21 AM
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Originally Posted by mumther911 View Post
3 weeks sober. he has also threatened to throw me out if i refuse a breathalyzer.
This raises more questions for me ... a couple that have already been asked...
Where is the breathalyzer? Do you have one in your car from a DUI or voluntarily? (I have one voluntarily because I was known to drink and drive and full disclosure: i had a dwai almost 2 years ago, not with my kids in the car. In my state, DUI you lose your license and have to get the BA installed to get a restricted license, DWAI this is not a requirement as you don't lose enough points to have your license revoked.) or is it a hand held one that was purchased soley for the purpose of "checking on you"?
Along that line... are there children involved who's safety he feels could be at jeopardy? (I have children that I drive frequently, one of the main reasons I agreed to get and keep the BA in my vehicle after the DWAI)

Regardless, threatening to throw you out if you don't submit to a BA doesn't sound fair... if he is done he is done, but then it's time for a discussion about what will happen.
Side note: sometimes things that frustrated spouses THINK will motivate us and "scare" us into getting sober are more a detriment than a help... I speak from experience. We have to get sober because WE are ready to, not to avoid consequences or because they tell us to, or even because they truly want us to.... If we aren't ready no amount of begging or pleading or threatening is going to make us do it. But that doesn't mean that they don't have the RIGHT and reason to be frustrated and fed up with the addiction.
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Old 12-21-2017, 11:27 AM
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Originally Posted by mumther911 View Post
3 weeks sober. he has also threatened to throw me out if i refuse a breathalyzer.
Hi Mum,

That definitely screams controlling. I wouldn't be comfortable with my husband making that demand, and certainly not manipulating the situation with ultimatums. Is this a typical pattern in your relationship? I agree with the others who suggested talking to a counselor.

Three weeks sober is great, but still early, and having a counselor would be helpful for recovery, as well as your relationship.

This is a great site to support you with sobriety.
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Old 12-21-2017, 11:47 AM
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A lot has had to have gone on in the dynamics of yours and your husband's relationship for it to reach the breathalyzer-or-you're-out stage. As others have said, things are extremely fractured and it is going to take a lot of work to repair.

Remaining sober is key to that. Congrats for joining SR. Hope it helps.

Your husband needs help too. If he was to post his situation to the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum, he would be told that policing your recovery is futile and he would be directed to Al-Anon or something similar.

I hope your marriage reaps the benefits of your sobriety, but it is going to take some time.
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Old 12-21-2017, 11:51 AM
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im kinda on that fence on this one too. So many lies and deceit can cause the best of relationships to strain, and the majority of us when we were drinking did try and hide it and lied through our teeth on multiple occasions. The trust goes. Many times we have pushed our significant others to breaking point. I don't seem to like the way that it is gone about perhaps, but if you continuing to drink is a deal breaker for him now, and there are no more chances.... then I can see where he is coming from. Being the spouse of an alcoholic is not a happy life. If you have also promised to quit several times and relapsed, I can see he wants some proof of your commitment. Is there a way to show him this in other ways? Like him dropping you at meetings etc? Equally, this is your journey, you cant have someone calling all the shots on your behalf, that wont work.

You need to talk it over, and say how it makes you feel, but consider that this is maybe what he needs in your early sobriety for his assurance, and it is not personal. Talk it over and see if you can agree on another solution that you feel is less degrading but equally as reassuring.

Personally, I will proudly take a breathalyzer if I was asked, just for the 'I told you so', but I'm a pain in the arse like that haha

Best of luck
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Old 12-21-2017, 11:57 AM
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Dunno. I get not having him demand one but on the other hand, if I were trying to convince my husband I hadn’t been drinking I might very well volunteer.

Like everyone has said, there seems to be much more background here?
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Old 12-21-2017, 12:16 PM
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Originally Posted by noturningback2 View Post
Personally, I will proudly take a breathalyzer if I was asked, just for the 'I told you so', but I'm a pain in the arse like that haha

Best of luck

Me too, then I would find a place for that breathalyzer...
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