noturningback2

mumther911

It's just that I find it humiliating. It makes me feel like less of a person.

MyLittleHorsie

I know, it's a humiliating conversation I am sure to have, or be asked to do it. I think you just really have to look at how bad has it really gotten, be honest. Is he asking out of a place of genuine concern and wanting you to be accountable, or is he being a? Maybe, when you are both calm and rational, which is hard in early sobriety for both parties to a marriage, talk about how it makes you feel, explain it's hurtful and listen to him. Sounds like he is reacting out of fear. Either that or he seriously needs some sensitivity training.

KG77

When I was actively drinking I would have felt the same way. Not that 5 days is a lot, but I today and hopefully any day from now on I would gladly do it, just so I could smile and say told you so...😉
And I also wonder how many times would it take for me to blow 0.000 before he could take me at my word. Probably not too many...

Hawkeye13

Well, if you are willing to take control and initiate it, you might feel differently.

Have you lied repeatedly in the past about drinking?
Saying you hadn't been when you had, and gaslighting him into
feeling like the "crazy person" for thinking you were?

I think we have to accept the consequences of our past actions
If you have done these things and pushed him to his limit,
he himself may have been feeling like "less of a person" when
you told him he was wrong / crazy / etc. for accusing you of drinking.

I know I lied about it to my spouse near the end stage of my drinking.
It took months to rebuild the trust, but now he totally trusts me again.

If there are kids / childcare involved, I think you should do it just
so he doesn't worry, especially if you've been drunk while caring for them
in the past. That's a big one.

If, on the other hand, you've not lied about drinking in the past,
than it may be a control move on his part and make your decision accordingly.

No matter what the history, it sounds like you both should really get
some intensive therapy now that you're sober to process this,
or the relationship might end anyway.

I wish you both the best.

noturningback2

so can you talk to him and explain this? And see if there is a way of proving you are commited, without the breathalyzer? But you are going to have to understand he may see this all very black and white if this has been a lengthy problem in your marriage, and simply, if you wont take it, you have something to hide....

Could you come to a compromise? that you will do it this once, for his peace of mind. But once only, because of how it makes you feel. Meet him halfway, but upon passing, make it very clear that this will not happen again under any circumstances so it does not become a power thing?

DreamCatcher17

I thought I would post my reply here as well. I find it fitting and this is just me!

If I broke my man's trust and I really wanted to earn it back, I would do whatever it took as long I was not jeopardizing my morals/values. I would take a breathalyzer, if that was holding us back from moving forward, moving past the wrongs I have done, if this is what makes him feel better after all those nights I made him feel like ****.
Eventually, he would stop asking as he would see me being sober loving life.
The questions would stop and that is when real growth can begin.
I also have nothing to hide.
Best of luck

Silverback4

This is just me but after the amount of lying and manipulation I deployed to my partner when drinking, I would struggle to find what right I would have to refuse if asked to take a test.

DontRemember

It'd make me feel like a child at first,but after all the childish crap I did when actively drinking, I'd understand their reasoning not to take my word as the truth for a while. As was said..It really depends on where he's coming from with his request and a calm honest talk should be had.

tekink

I get why this would make you mad but at the same time he might have had to put up with his share. I know what living with a drunk is like, I'm the drunk.

I'd flip it and use it as a point of pride myself and just carry the thing around showing how proud you are of all the 0.0s.

DontRemember

Not making light of your situation OP, but this made me picture sitting around watching a movie with your hubby,drinking water, and blowing in it several times during the movie. "Huh..still 0.0...weird."

KG77

SaturatedSeize

I'm going to go against the grain here, a little.

If trust needs to be rebuild, what better way then to prove (temporarily) that you aren't drinking? I'd be more then willing to take a breathalyzer for my significant other. But it would have to end there. And threatening to throw you out is SO WRONG. That's where the line is drawn for me and screams power and control.

Breathalyzers would need to be a short term thing as the trust is built, but I wouldn't have a problem in that dynamic.

He is taking it too far though.

Berrybean

I can see that bit hurts that he doesn't just trust you.

Thing is, for a lot of us broken trust was just one of the consequences of our own actions. To expect others to bounce back and know that THIS time we were telling the truth (after how many times not doing so?!?!) was kinda unfair expectations really.

I don't know if that applies to you or not. Only you can know that. Also, like others have said, are there specific things /activities /occasions he's concerned about. Like driving the kids or having sole care of them when he goes out (if there's been problems before). He'd never be able to live with himself if he placed trust in you despite knowing it was a risk and something bad happened. In that case your feelings aren't necessarily going to be the most important discussion on the agenda, because like it or not, its not just about us. Our families and friends deserve a bit of peace as well, and we tended to rob them of that while we were drinking.

Hope you two sort it out. Just try to be patient. Trust can sometimes lake longer to regain than it does to lose. But if we truly want to make amends we can usually bear it.

BB

August252015

Absolutely not. There are so many reasons this is a bad idea.

You have to be sober for you, you alone, and both of you have to be on the same page about that.