tiredwoman

I know it’s taboo to say so but I really need to let it out. It’s something I can never admit in person to people. I am also an alcoholic.

I’m from South Africa. I need to stop drinking. It’s ruining my life. Last night I got so drunk I have no memory of what happened. And the worst part of that is that I know I left the house and was driving. I was driving totally out of it. I don’t know how I got home.

I have been so sick today. Vomiting every two minutes. I can’t even drink water – I just vomit it right out after a few minutes. I’m so dehydrated right now but there is nothing I can do about it. I’m thinking about calling someone to bring me some weed (it helps me tremendously when I have nausea) but I really wanna change my life – I also abuse weed. I find it difficult to sleep without it. So I don’t wanna smoke today.

I know exactly why I am an alcoholic. It’s not that I have an inherent attraction to booze – I use it to escape. I take comfort in the that poison because I have a lot of mental health issues. At the root is the fact I hate my ethnicity. I’m mixed (half/black) and I hate it.

Being mixed in South Africa is exhausting because apartheid only ended 20 years ago and the old wounds have remained. So as a mixed person, you have two antagonistic races and you have to tip-toe around them and you are caught right in the middle. I really do wish I were fully black or fully white.

Yesterday I had no desire to drink but a few extended family members were around our house. As usual, it was the black side vs the white side. I couldn’t deal with that nonsense. So I just left the house without telling them, bought a bottle of brandy, parked in a secluded spot and drank. Finished the entire bottle and got ridiculously drunk. Like I wrote, I have no recollection.

This addiction is ruining my life. It is killing me. I’m not doing so well in college anymore because I prioritise drinking over studying. I’m hopeless with men because they will always be secondary to alcohol. I’m going down a bad path and I need to stop but I have no idea where to start from. I feel like addressing my mental health issues is where I should start with fighting this thing but I have no idea how to begin.

Today I am sick. But tomorrow I will be good and with it being Friday, I have an excuse to drink. I really wanna take that first step and say NO tomorrow. I really wanna go through the holidays sober. I am so tired of repeating the same old thing. Over and over again without learning to be better.

Maudcat

Hi, tiredwoman.
Sorry for your situation, but glad you found us.
Sounds like you are ready for a change.
It starts by not drinking today.
Just today.
Can you do it? Hope so.

biminiblue

Welcome.

The way to heal your mental health is to stop drinking and work on your issues.

Stop drinking first.

Then dig in...it takes time for all of us to overcome our circumstances - and we all have issues, every single person.

Your education will allow you to rise above, so focus on really learning.

I'm in the US and there are racial tensions here too - probably everywhere that ignorance is allowed to fester. It's sad that people can't just love one another and that they live in fear of something so small as the color of one's skin. Be an example to the world of love and tolerance. It's really all any of us have.

Please stop drinking. You are a precious child of God and you are worth fighting for. We're calling you to join this side.

tiredwoman

There's no way my body will allow me to drink today. It's just too messed up. Can't absorb anything without regurgitating. But I know I will be a spring chicken by tomorrow and that's when the biggest test is. It's also a friend's party and God, there is gonna be booze everywhere. I honestly don't trust myself to be around that environment without drinking. But this friend is a very good one and I need to attend.

tiredwoman

@ Blue, thanks for such a great post. It hit me hard. I will try to stop. I know it will be so hard but I will try.

Lee6969

My boyfriend is French Croation Black and White Irish. He's georgous and so exotic looking. Embrace your genes, you were born with the best of both worlds.

Unfortunately he is an alcoholic and he blames his mixed race on it. He always tells me how difficult it is and was growing up.

tiredwoman

Yeah, growing up was actually worse than now. When I left compulsory school and went to university, I thought perhaps the 1950s America style segregation would not be as prevalent at uni, as opposed to secondary school. Boy was I wrong. It is even worse.

My mum is South African but she is of British descent. I've been to the UK several times and I really love it there. It doesn't have the same problems as SA so I felt much more at ease there - where I visited, there were no lines, boundaries and restrictions based on race. Everyone could just be. I hope to move to the UK after I get my degree, but alcohol is making me decrease the chances of that happened.

least

Welcome to the family. I hope our support can help you stop drinking for good.

biminiblue

You would be welcome in the US West, too. California, Oregon, Washington. Very diverse and accepting.

I think the biggest problem is how you see yourself. Can't change our parents, can we? I'll bet you are a nice person.

The alcohol really screws up the way we think. I didn't have anything nice to say about myself when I was drinking. Now I'm much nicer to me.

The way out is to stop drinking.

You don't have to go to that party. Popcorn, TV, and a blanket is safer and much better for you. I think in early days it's best to not go to drinking events. I didn't (well I still don't) go to parties that were alcohol centered. However, if food is the main event I'm all in. Feed me and then, "Oh, look at the time *yawn* gotta go."

tiredwoman

Yeah, I think not attending this party is the best for me. I know my friend will be disappointed but if I explain why I am not going, she will understand.

I've loved the American Pacific Northwest. Such a beautiful area. My plan is to move to the UK when I get my degree.

biminiblue

Just tell her you don't feel that well and had better stay in and then wish her well. I don't think you need to share your alcohol problem just yet - if ever.

It's a very inward-looking and empowering thing to recover from alcohol problems. I didn't share that with anyone outside of other alcoholics for quite some time. "I'm taking a break," works still for me at four years.

tiredwoman

Yes, I think you are right. I do find it hard to confess to people about it face to face, hence why I signed up on here.

I've hidden this addiction from family. They think the reason I am vomiting is because of something I ate yesterday.

biminiblue

There is a lot of shame attached to it. Thing is, I became ashamed of who I was in every way, not just the drinking. Kind of like you being affected by your ethnicity. I had the same type internal-story misplaced woes, only about different stuff.

My addiction used those thoughts to convince me I needed to drink.

It's really not anyone elses' business...unless you want it to be. You can quit and never talk about it to your "normal" friends. I did tell my close family, they were cool - but I didn't tell them at first, I told them months or years later. (We lived far apart.)

tiredwoman

So true about the shame. It's real raw, visceral and deep cutting shame. It makes you feel like a useless waste of space. How were you able to change, if you don't mind me asking?

I've been thinking to speaking to my aunt about it. My parents are wonderful and have always been supportive, but I don't like letting them down, despite how supportive they are. I just don't want them to potentially see me in a different light.

The aunt I'm talking about rises above all the racial BS and has always been here for me.

AAPJ

Tiredwoman, Thanks for your incredibly honest share. In the long run mixed race children are the key to better race relations. At least that's what I believe. But in the current day it really depends on where you live. I have never visited SA and it sounds kind of bad. I am sorry for your situation.

However, getting drunk to deal with it is not the answer.

tiredwoman

Thanks so much!

biminiblue

The first thing I did was stop applying a toxic poison to my brain.

Then in time (weeks) I started feeling a little light in my life and started feeling hope and peace and joy. I started pulling myself out of that swamp.

It's a process and it can't happen with alcohol being in the equation.

tiredwoman

You are right about getting drunk not being the answer. In fact it exacerbates the situation. Makes it exponentially worse. My life is spiraling. I feel like a dam that is taking a ton of pressure from a torrent of water. That dam can only take so much. Eventually will fall.

Ariesagain

Welcome to the family! You’ll find great support here. Because of this board, I will be sober two years on New Year’s day. You can do this!

One thing I have figured out over the years...whatever we drink at gets bigger. And worse. It’s like fertilizer, but toxic.

You have so much going for you...I’m glad you’re here.

Sending you a hug.

tiredwoman

I hope to get where you are one day.