Need advice, girlfriend blacked out and cheated. Please help
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Join Date: Dec 2017
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Need advice, girlfriend blacked out and cheated. Please help
So my girlfriend and I have been in a relationship for about 3 months now, and one night when we were taking a week apart from each other because we started fighting all the time she went to the bar and blacked out and cheated on me.
The relationship was amazing at first, we were vibing on every level, we were doing amazing we were deeply in love and everything was going perfect.
My girlfriend was a recovering alcoholic who was 50 days sober when everything was going amazing she was a completely different person a person I saw myself spending the rest of my life with. But that all changed when her birthday hit.
She started drinking again and all we did was fight every time she drank and it got to the point of her being verbally abusive every time. I even stopped drinking for her and this relationship which is quite a feat because I am on the college football team and we party a ton.
But one night she went out and blacked out and we fought for about 25 mins before she cut all communication with me and then told me that morning she cheated.
I've been a wreck ever since, I love her and we have talked about it. She said she's getting sober again which she is a completely different person when she is and she's very emotionally wrecked about the situation so I know she cares and I want this to work becuase when she was sober we were great together and it was amazing. But she cheated and that's a huge huge emotional hit to me. But I'm torn at what to do.
Do I drop it completely or see how it is when she gets sober? Becuase she's a completely different person and I know she's an emotional wreck because of this so I can tell she cares but I have no idea what to do.
Looking for advice.
Kyle
The relationship was amazing at first, we were vibing on every level, we were doing amazing we were deeply in love and everything was going perfect.
My girlfriend was a recovering alcoholic who was 50 days sober when everything was going amazing she was a completely different person a person I saw myself spending the rest of my life with. But that all changed when her birthday hit.
She started drinking again and all we did was fight every time she drank and it got to the point of her being verbally abusive every time. I even stopped drinking for her and this relationship which is quite a feat because I am on the college football team and we party a ton.
But one night she went out and blacked out and we fought for about 25 mins before she cut all communication with me and then told me that morning she cheated.
I've been a wreck ever since, I love her and we have talked about it. She said she's getting sober again which she is a completely different person when she is and she's very emotionally wrecked about the situation so I know she cares and I want this to work becuase when she was sober we were great together and it was amazing. But she cheated and that's a huge huge emotional hit to me. But I'm torn at what to do.
Do I drop it completely or see how it is when she gets sober? Becuase she's a completely different person and I know she's an emotional wreck because of this so I can tell she cares but I have no idea what to do.
Looking for advice.
Kyle
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,872
Welcome to SR, Kyle; really glad that you found this supportive and understanding forum.
I am very sorry for what brings you are here.
Have you considered Alanon? It may give you a better understanding of alcoholism.
There is also a Friends & Family Forum here on SR where you may also find support from others who care about an alcoholic in their lives.
I am very sorry for what brings you are here.
Have you considered Alanon? It may give you a better understanding of alcoholism.
There is also a Friends & Family Forum here on SR where you may also find support from others who care about an alcoholic in their lives.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,872
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
I will be direct...end it.
You are young and in your college years...this is a time to focus on you...your studies, your goals, your future.
You have only dated each other for three months and there’s been plenty of drama, yes?
She’s very young to be this far along in her alcoholism. This may well mean that this is a pretty entrenched problem.
I will also say that the vast majority of alcoholics don’t cheat and being drunk isn’t a get out of jail free card for that.
I’m sorry if I sound harsh, but if most of us could go back in time and stop ourselves from getting enmeshed with the active alcoholics we dated/married, we would, and in a heartbeat.
Wish her well and move on.
You are young and in your college years...this is a time to focus on you...your studies, your goals, your future.
You have only dated each other for three months and there’s been plenty of drama, yes?
She’s very young to be this far along in her alcoholism. This may well mean that this is a pretty entrenched problem.
I will also say that the vast majority of alcoholics don’t cheat and being drunk isn’t a get out of jail free card for that.
I’m sorry if I sound harsh, but if most of us could go back in time and stop ourselves from getting enmeshed with the active alcoholics we dated/married, we would, and in a heartbeat.
Wish her well and move on.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 1,543
Oh c**p.
I read your post 30 minutes ago and wanted to type the same as Aries and Zanna but wasn't sure if to or not....
I have to agree with them though. You're too young for this. She's damaged like all of us and the chances are it might take her a long time to realise it PROPERLY.
Move on to pastures new.
I read your post 30 minutes ago and wanted to type the same as Aries and Zanna but wasn't sure if to or not....
I have to agree with them though. You're too young for this. She's damaged like all of us and the chances are it might take her a long time to realise it PROPERLY.
Move on to pastures new.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Derbyshire Dales, UK.
Posts: 2,618
Originally Posted by JustTony 
Oh c**p.
I read your post 30 minutes ago and wanted to type the same as Aries and Zanna but wasn't sure if to or not....
I have to agree with them though. You're too young for this. She's damaged like all of us and the chances are it might take her a long time to realise it PROPERLY.
Move on to pastures new.
I read your post 30 minutes ago and wanted to type the same as Aries and Zanna but wasn't sure if to or not....
I have to agree with them though. You're too young for this. She's damaged like all of us and the chances are it might take her a long time to realise it PROPERLY.
Move on to pastures new.
Thanks Ariesagain x
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
Yep..hop out of that! It'll sting for a bit,but look at the big picture. Do you want to carry this memory and probable future nonsense for 10-15yrs,with a couple kids and then 'wise up'? Run now,bro!! Picture writing your 'now self' a letter from 5yrs with this chick...what would it say?..."she made a one time mistake?" Think smart and big, you're young!
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
You know, love isn't gassing into each other's eye, it's both people respecting each other enough to find ways that you can both look in the same direction. The thing is, active addicts don't do that, because the thing that will turn their heads isn't their loved ones (romatic or family or friend based) but their addiction.
In AA (and often outside AA as well) people are advised to steer away from new relationships for the first year of recovery. The emotional highs and lows are just too much. Man, even normal happy or down can bring on tears as people are emotionally raw early on. Also, we tend to be very emotionally immature when we get sober as we stop developing emotionally around the time we started drinking alcoholically. I was emotionally about 16 when I got sober at 40.
Alcoholics tend to be all or nothing people. When they fall for someone one it tends to be be 'at first sight','instant attraction', 'hard and fast'. We see people as perfect. The dream partner - which can seem very flattering and make people feel so, so special. Thing is, when you fall for someone because you've decided that they're perfect (an unfair ask of anyone in the world) then the cracks soon start appearing in that false veneer of perfection that the alcoholic mentally slapped onto that person. (Some folk over in the friends and family section have talked about love bombing, which is a kind of extreme version of the all-or-nothing alcoholic investment into a romantic relationship. It can leave the person feeling pretty bewildered. You didnt mention what all those blow ups were about so it might be worth having a read about it, maybe not. Its an interesting article anyway, plus it's helpful I as much as it helps the reader to consider what would be a healthy and happy romantic relationship, away from drama. https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ve-bomber.html (The Love Bomber)). Thing is, while actively drinking or even in early recovery, she might not be capable of seeing all this. Whatever you decide, she may not agree with or be happy about. And that isn't something you should spend too long worrying about.
I would suggest that you consider this a bullet dodged and that you encourage her to focus on staying sober and getting involved in a recovery program so she can get better, and you invest in your future by taking the time to study and grow. Now you've seen some of the more damaging side to alcohol, you might even choose to reconsider the extent of your own partying a little.
Wishing you and your ex all the best for your respective futures.
BB
In AA (and often outside AA as well) people are advised to steer away from new relationships for the first year of recovery. The emotional highs and lows are just too much. Man, even normal happy or down can bring on tears as people are emotionally raw early on. Also, we tend to be very emotionally immature when we get sober as we stop developing emotionally around the time we started drinking alcoholically. I was emotionally about 16 when I got sober at 40.
Alcoholics tend to be all or nothing people. When they fall for someone one it tends to be be 'at first sight','instant attraction', 'hard and fast'. We see people as perfect. The dream partner - which can seem very flattering and make people feel so, so special. Thing is, when you fall for someone because you've decided that they're perfect (an unfair ask of anyone in the world) then the cracks soon start appearing in that false veneer of perfection that the alcoholic mentally slapped onto that person. (Some folk over in the friends and family section have talked about love bombing, which is a kind of extreme version of the all-or-nothing alcoholic investment into a romantic relationship. It can leave the person feeling pretty bewildered. You didnt mention what all those blow ups were about so it might be worth having a read about it, maybe not. Its an interesting article anyway, plus it's helpful I as much as it helps the reader to consider what would be a healthy and happy romantic relationship, away from drama. https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ve-bomber.html (The Love Bomber)). Thing is, while actively drinking or even in early recovery, she might not be capable of seeing all this. Whatever you decide, she may not agree with or be happy about. And that isn't something you should spend too long worrying about.
I would suggest that you consider this a bullet dodged and that you encourage her to focus on staying sober and getting involved in a recovery program so she can get better, and you invest in your future by taking the time to study and grow. Now you've seen some of the more damaging side to alcohol, you might even choose to reconsider the extent of your own partying a little.
Wishing you and your ex all the best for your respective futures.
BB
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Scotland
Posts: 3,837
I was your girlfriend 20 years ago. At university, an active alcoholic and totally unpredictable. I couldn't keep promises I made, control my behaviour while drinking or cope emotionally with the damage I was doing to people I loved. I ended up in a volatile and traumatic relationship with someone I deeply loved and who loved me. It damaged us both and he ended up an addict too.
My point is that there was no way of coming to terms with my addiction and commit to recovery at that time because I was so young, didn't understand and was in a student drinking culture that made it almost impossible to stay sober. I sounds like your GF shares at least some of these characteristics and may have a long, long journey in front of her. Those 50 days may very well be the exception, not the norm and you are right, we alcoholics are different people when we are sober but we tend to have long drinking careers before we discover that and leave Mr Hyde behind. I'm 37 and have only been capable of having a proper, respectful and loving relationship in the last two or three years. I think you may have had a taste of what you wanted but I seriously doubt that will be your experience with her in the long term. I hope this helps and best wishes to you in whatever decision you make x
My point is that there was no way of coming to terms with my addiction and commit to recovery at that time because I was so young, didn't understand and was in a student drinking culture that made it almost impossible to stay sober. I sounds like your GF shares at least some of these characteristics and may have a long, long journey in front of her. Those 50 days may very well be the exception, not the norm and you are right, we alcoholics are different people when we are sober but we tend to have long drinking careers before we discover that and leave Mr Hyde behind. I'm 37 and have only been capable of having a proper, respectful and loving relationship in the last two or three years. I think you may have had a taste of what you wanted but I seriously doubt that will be your experience with her in the long term. I hope this helps and best wishes to you in whatever decision you make x
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 1,068
OP - Are you really looking for "advice"? I'm guessing not. Because the advice you are getting is pretty universal and it's to get out of the relationship. My guess is that you really hoped to get re-assurance or advice on how to "fix" your girlfriend. So you could keep the relationship alive.
Why is this my guess? Because when I was close to your age I wanted the same thing. I have walked a mile in your shoes. Back then there was no internet board like this to get advice. Looking back ending the relationship ASAP would have been the correct answer, but I just couldn't let go.
Why is this my guess? Because when I was close to your age I wanted the same thing. I have walked a mile in your shoes. Back then there was no internet board like this to get advice. Looking back ending the relationship ASAP would have been the correct answer, but I just couldn't let go.
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Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 68
Cheating is cheating hun, whether she's recovering or not.
I've never cheated on anyone because I was drunk because I didn't want to, I just don't buy it an an excuse.
It's your relationship and whether you can forgive and forget is all up to you, but I wouldn't view it as any different than cheating in normal circumstances.
I've never cheated on anyone because I was drunk because I didn't want to, I just don't buy it an an excuse.
It's your relationship and whether you can forgive and forget is all up to you, but I wouldn't view it as any different than cheating in normal circumstances.
Boxer
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Tampa, Florida
Posts: 151
Originally Posted by Ariesagain
I will be direct...end it.
You are young and in your college years...this is a time to focus on you...your studies, your goals, your future.
You have only dated each other for three months and there’s been plenty of drama, yes?
She’s very young to be this far along in her alcoholism. This may well mean that this is a pretty entrenched problem.
I will also say that the vast majority of alcoholics don’t cheat and being drunk isn’t a get out of jail free card for that.
I’m sorry if I sound harsh, but if most of us could go back in time and stop ourselves from getting enmeshed with the active alcoholics we dated/married, we would, and in a heartbeat.
Wish her well and move on.
You are young and in your college years...this is a time to focus on you...your studies, your goals, your future.
You have only dated each other for three months and there’s been plenty of drama, yes?
She’s very young to be this far along in her alcoholism. This may well mean that this is a pretty entrenched problem.
I will also say that the vast majority of alcoholics don’t cheat and being drunk isn’t a get out of jail free card for that.
I’m sorry if I sound harsh, but if most of us could go back in time and stop ourselves from getting enmeshed with the active alcoholics we dated/married, we would, and in a heartbeat.
Wish her well and move on.
Yep!!
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: California
Posts: 1,428
:::::nodding head:::: agreeing with all of us that have replied. End it. Think about that too, we are all alcoholics giving you the same advice. Leave her and move along.
She was 50 days, very early recovery. She needs to concentrate on herself, her own recovery. It's recommended that recovering addicts not enter into a relationship for awhile, certainly not early days.
Hope you keep an eye on your drinking too. Can get out of control quickly as you can see.
Best to you, enjoy college! It goes by too fast.
She was 50 days, very early recovery. She needs to concentrate on herself, her own recovery. It's recommended that recovering addicts not enter into a relationship for awhile, certainly not early days.
Hope you keep an eye on your drinking too. Can get out of control quickly as you can see.
Best to you, enjoy college! It goes by too fast.
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