cornpone

Hello all. It's been several months maybe even a year since I logged into sober recovery. I used to be very dedicated to my sobriety but fell back into my addictions and self medication after a beloved pet of mine suddenly died. I was so devastated by the loss of this pet, I started drinking again but for the first time I was throwing Xanax into the mix. I got to a point recently where I went through 200mg in a week and a half. I ran out and have been having benzo withdrawals for 4 days. They're similar to alcohol WD, which I find to somehow be worse. My body is healing but I am still in a really dark place (sleepless/night mares/anxiety/depression/vomiting/sweats/shakes/can't eat etc).
During my time with mixing benzos and alcohol I blacked out one night and hit my head. I waited 4 days and went to the ER to find i had a mild concussion. They gave me a CT scan but nothing for the anxiety or withdrawals since I have history with addiction. I don't have insurance so my options with doctors are always limited.
May I just say that we all know how much withdrawals suck. They are painful and feel complicated and make your mind race and you're always sick. I am scared how much danger I put myself in when I fell. I've been drinking for years and luckily nothing bad has really happened to me in terms of a serious injury. But adding pills to the mix somehow felt deadlier? I'm not sure why but my sad Xanax days haunt me when I thought I was just trying to numb the pain.
I want to say that I'm thankful as always for sober recovery. Y'all are always here every time I start back on day one. I'm still very sick today and as usual scared my heart is going to stop. I know the likelihood of this happening is rare but it's mostly my anxiety scaring me. I love my friends, family, job and pets so much. I don't know why I always keep doing this to myself. But now I'm back to start. Day two of being completely sober but on day 4 of xanax withdrawal. Please pray for me.

JustTony

I love my dog so much that I completely relate to the loss you went through. People that don't love animals find it hard to relate sometimes.

You're on Day 1, which is the beginning of a sober life. This time you'll crack it. You'll beat it. Embrace the start of that journey.

I'm here a lot a the moment too - so I'll support whenever I see you.

Regards,

JT

cornpone

JT thank you for the kind words of encouragement. I need this so much right now. Thank you for being here and present and responding. I am thinking positively, which is a challenge because I am so sad and anxious. I know my body is going through changes and my brain is all haywire right now/still trying to do it's normal thing with my other bodily functions. The end just seems so far away when you're so sick

least

Welcome back! Glad you're giving it another go.

JustTony

Absolutely - Day 1 is a nightmare I never want to go through again. But you know from experience that it slowly but surely gets better. Within a few days you'll be on the road and feeling much better.

This will not beat us.

theVman31

Me too im with you.
Its day 1 for me.
My last day 1.
Onwards.

cornpone

Best to you on your last day 1. Sending my love to you in France from the United States. You are strong. You are positive. I am thankful for you being here.

bossybutt

Day one again here, too. Have been up all night long, sweats, getting sick even though I can't eat a thing or even swallow my medication for reflux. Even just water, ugh Wobbly, agitated, I feel like I'm having a heart attack too. Just think about a few days from now when the worst of it is over and you can spend Christmas sober if that is a holiday you observe. I had been doing very good for awhile and the loss of two dogs about a year apart put me over the edge too. I know its hard but you can do this. My Dr. won't give me anything for anxiety either because she knows about the drinking issues. They only offer zoloft and all the ickies that I can't take due to side effects I get and feeling like a zombie. I too plan to be checking in here as much as I can and that this will be the last time I go through this. Big hugs!

JVO15

I remember that first two days and it's the number one reason I don't have another. I actually drove to the ER and had an EKG done for chest pain. Left after they didn't put me on the crash cart. It sounds mean to say, but keep that anxiety in mind. No reason to ever go through that again.
Hoping you get through this quick and realize the gains your making for your mental and physical health just as quick

cornpone

I relate to your pain so much. I have had several day 1's and gone through withdrawal over 20 times with seizures. It's terrifying, lonely and scary. But you're not alone. I am thankful for you. Be excited for new days. It's so hard when we are so sad and anxious but I have hope and love for you.

ChloeRose63

Staying on SR on my Day 1 helped me tremendously. I got so much support and never felt alone. So stick with us! Tomorrow is Day 4 for me. It really does get better hour by hour.

Hevyn

I'm so glad you're back with us, cornpone. We all understand how you're feeling. I never knew why I poisoned myself either - it all started as a way to cope with anxiety. Facing things head on is the only way - wish I'd realized that decades ago.

You're back and ready for your new life - congratulations on your Day 2. Thing are going to get so much better, and you'll be free.

jryan19982

I still get mad ativan cravings. I was hooked on them for over 3 yrs. That was the worst coming off of them but I made it through. I would suggest talking to your Dr about how to come off a benzo.

cornpone

Yeah benzos are hard to quit. I might say it's the most addictive substance I have ever used/abused in terms of cravings. I wouldn't say the withdrawals are AS intense as alcohol WD but they're a lot longer to detox and even breathing the air is making me want to vomit. Every muscle in my body is sore and stiff and I can even feel my organs. I've never experienced anything like that before.
Sadly I'm uninsured so finding a doctor is always a challenge and I've gotten off benzos cold turkey. The hospital didn't offer anything for WD which I was expecting but they put me back on seizure meds which was nice

Delilah1

Cornpone,

It has been so nice seeing you on the 24 hour thread the past few days. This is the perfect time of year to get sober, you can be present for the holidays, and should be past those initial rough days, and you will kick off 2018 sober.

Looking forward to continuing to see you on here!!!