Deeply Depressed
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
Deeply Depressed
Sorry to vent but deep depression has set in. Am taking antidepressants and trying to cope. No cravings to drink. Don't even think about it. My wife and I differ diametrically about our grandchildren. She says just let them be. I say no. Don't let them be if there are health issues involved, if one of them may be in danger if he is under too much stress, either self imposed or put upon him. He has a duty to survive, a duty to his kids, his family, himself. I fear heart trouble for him if it goes on this way. My wife says "Don't get involved". I am "involved". Deeply. If he has a heart attack or even just a stroke, that would have a colossal impact on his kids. I drank for years and I bitterly regret the impact that must have had on my wife and kids.
"Counseling" won't work for my wife and me. It never has. Only makes things much worse. My only choice is whether to "let him be" or tactfully suggest that "this is what I'd do if I were in your shoes. It's up to you to decide. But this is what I'd do...." Thanks for listening.
Bill.
"Counseling" won't work for my wife and me. It never has. Only makes things much worse. My only choice is whether to "let him be" or tactfully suggest that "this is what I'd do if I were in your shoes. It's up to you to decide. But this is what I'd do...." Thanks for listening.
Bill.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: upstate new york
Posts: 131
hi bill....sorry to hear you are depressed. I have been too lately but for me I think it's just the holiday blues. I think many of us get it but not saying that's your case.
I can understand you wanting to get involved and help but not knowing the situation and what you would tactfully suggest it would be hard to guess whether your wife is right or wrong in "leave it alone".
I hope you start feeling better and enjoy the holidays best you can.
mark
I can understand you wanting to get involved and help but not knowing the situation and what you would tactfully suggest it would be hard to guess whether your wife is right or wrong in "leave it alone".
I hope you start feeling better and enjoy the holidays best you can.
mark
Friendly Folk
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Powers Lake, Wisconsin
Posts: 21,714
Hi, Bill,
Sorry to hear you are depressed.
Maybe you can worry a little less about your grandchild for awhile. Just let it go for a week or so. Maybe your focus on them is causing stress on you zapping your energy and making you feel down. Just a thought.
Take care.
Sorry to hear you are depressed.
Maybe you can worry a little less about your grandchild for awhile. Just let it go for a week or so. Maybe your focus on them is causing stress on you zapping your energy and making you feel down. Just a thought.
Take care.
I'm sorry you're so depressed. 
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,574
know just how you feel and its not easy.. when my son the Moose had lost his job driving long haul was out drinking and staying out to long at night... I was so afraid for him.. my Daughter kept screaming Mom leave him alone he will figure this out.. I was afraid he would be lost to the street... held on to him tight... we did not have much. but Moose helped out with some of his unemployment and then he was taken into the army at 37 years of age..
what can we do to help.. Be there keep letting this Grand son you are a rock and at his side.. listen... nod pour coffee make popcorn.. can he stay over night on a weekend with you.... send the Wife to a spa for 24 hours Honey you deserve this and I love you. get her out of the house and have the Grand over just the men the boys the coffee and food. and chatter..
I have a Nephew that did that for me and Moose when Moose was going to Afghanistan we stay with the Monkey for 2 nights and 3 days.. last day Monkey and I walked his back field and had coffee and saw the Sun come up for July 5 2009 .. he emptied his Soul and Heart to his Aunt Ardy.. for this was a safe place to talk of his Medic Army work... love him so much ... that little kid grew up to be a Man of Honor.. and his secret of horror of the Army is safe... yep..
Bill ... Stand Tall hold the high ground and get it Tight for this young man Your Grand Son needs you to hold the line of Life...
what can we do to help.. Be there keep letting this Grand son you are a rock and at his side.. listen... nod pour coffee make popcorn.. can he stay over night on a weekend with you.... send the Wife to a spa for 24 hours Honey you deserve this and I love you. get her out of the house and have the Grand over just the men the boys the coffee and food. and chatter..
I have a Nephew that did that for me and Moose when Moose was going to Afghanistan we stay with the Monkey for 2 nights and 3 days.. last day Monkey and I walked his back field and had coffee and saw the Sun come up for July 5 2009 .. he emptied his Soul and Heart to his Aunt Ardy.. for this was a safe place to talk of his Medic Army work... love him so much ... that little kid grew up to be a Man of Honor.. and his secret of horror of the Army is safe... yep..
Bill ... Stand Tall hold the high ground and get it Tight for this young man Your Grand Son needs you to hold the line of Life...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
when it comes to giving loved ones advice and guidance, AA's model seems to work pretty well; Attraction rather than promotion.
When we let our loved ones know we're there, reflectively listen to them, and demonstrate our principles and wisdom and approach through the way we live our lives - then at some point they are apt to ask us to share some of what we may be able to offer.
Sometimes, we may want to prompt it: "you sound like you might be looking for some thoughts - would you like my views?".
Other times, it's best just to be a supportive listener. To offer love. To give a hug. To say "I've been through things in life that stressed me in similar ways.... I know how hard it is..... you'll be OK.... "
As for depression - I've come to understand that I likely have had bouts of or constant low-level depression for much of my life. Just never really gave it any acknowledgement and spent a lot of time 'self-medicating'.
Through almost 4 years of sobriety, I did a lot of sober growing, learning, working at myself. I continued to struggle though - particularly in the winter months - with a nagging and constant sense of despair. Motivation issues. Self-doubt issues. A sense of impending doom. I didn't think it was 'depression' since I never felt hopeless or like harming myself or being better off dead or any of the classics. But over time, I began to learn about subtler challenging symptoms of depression and to see that my issues might well be tied to seretonin imbalance and a set of things in my brain. I saw my wife go from wanting to wade out into the lake and never come back - to being a happier, more positive person who wasn't down on herself after adding some medication to her counseling and other efforts to address her own depression. I considered it for over a year and finally this fall I tried medication myself. A relatively low-dose SSRI. It really has been a positive step and helped to resolve a lot of things that had continued to plague me. As much as I'd like to be free of substances - looking back on my life and looking at the real and consistent symptoms and finding (at age 45, finally) some relief from things that have plagued me - this has been a good thing.
Anyway, I'm off on a tangent here. I think my objective was just to empathize with you, and to remind you that our work is really, primarily, with ourselves. WE are the only ones we can 'fix'. WE are the only ones who are really 'our business'. We can offer our experience, strength and hope - in sobriety and in life - but we ought really only do that when sought.
When we let our loved ones know we're there, reflectively listen to them, and demonstrate our principles and wisdom and approach through the way we live our lives - then at some point they are apt to ask us to share some of what we may be able to offer.
Sometimes, we may want to prompt it: "you sound like you might be looking for some thoughts - would you like my views?".
Other times, it's best just to be a supportive listener. To offer love. To give a hug. To say "I've been through things in life that stressed me in similar ways.... I know how hard it is..... you'll be OK.... "
As for depression - I've come to understand that I likely have had bouts of or constant low-level depression for much of my life. Just never really gave it any acknowledgement and spent a lot of time 'self-medicating'.
Through almost 4 years of sobriety, I did a lot of sober growing, learning, working at myself. I continued to struggle though - particularly in the winter months - with a nagging and constant sense of despair. Motivation issues. Self-doubt issues. A sense of impending doom. I didn't think it was 'depression' since I never felt hopeless or like harming myself or being better off dead or any of the classics. But over time, I began to learn about subtler challenging symptoms of depression and to see that my issues might well be tied to seretonin imbalance and a set of things in my brain. I saw my wife go from wanting to wade out into the lake and never come back - to being a happier, more positive person who wasn't down on herself after adding some medication to her counseling and other efforts to address her own depression. I considered it for over a year and finally this fall I tried medication myself. A relatively low-dose SSRI. It really has been a positive step and helped to resolve a lot of things that had continued to plague me. As much as I'd like to be free of substances - looking back on my life and looking at the real and consistent symptoms and finding (at age 45, finally) some relief from things that have plagued me - this has been a good thing.
Anyway, I'm off on a tangent here. I think my objective was just to empathize with you, and to remind you that our work is really, primarily, with ourselves. WE are the only ones we can 'fix'. WE are the only ones who are really 'our business'. We can offer our experience, strength and hope - in sobriety and in life - but we ought really only do that when sought.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,492
Bill, I'm really sorry to hear about your depression, but I have every faith that you will get through it.
As far as your children, my suggestion is to let it go. I feel like we have to allow our grown children to make their own decisions, whether or not we think they are right or wrong.
As far as your children, my suggestion is to let it go. I feel like we have to allow our grown children to make their own decisions, whether or not we think they are right or wrong.
saoutchik
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London
Posts: 16,198
I'm sorry to read that you are depressed Bill. I hope the anti-depressents do their thing. It is frustrating watching those that we care about struggle and sometimes mess up. I think, as othets have mentioned above, the best thing you can really do is let them know that you care and will be thete for them as much as is possible.
I hope for your own peace of mind your grandchild can make some changes.
I hope for your own peace of mind your grandchild can make some changes.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Bill, I too am so sorry to hear you are feeling depressed. I can relate as I am going through a bit of a rough spot myself but I also have seen my doctor about medication and am trusting that it will start to work soon. In the meantime I am doing my best to make it through the days, I hope you can do the same.
As for your grandchild, my first thought was for you to say what you need to say. But reading some other replies I now see the other side and it may be best to let things play out as they may. As FreeOwn wisely says, we can only really fix ourselves. You could make it known that you see them struggling and are here to help if need be.
How is your diet right now? Are you eating much? I notice that I am not eating much at the moment but am really trying to push myself to do so because I know that it is important for general energy and feelings of well being.
We are all here for you Bill. Sending you a big cyber hug.
As for your grandchild, my first thought was for you to say what you need to say. But reading some other replies I now see the other side and it may be best to let things play out as they may. As FreeOwn wisely says, we can only really fix ourselves. You could make it known that you see them struggling and are here to help if need be.
How is your diet right now? Are you eating much? I notice that I am not eating much at the moment but am really trying to push myself to do so because I know that it is important for general energy and feelings of well being.
We are all here for you Bill. Sending you a big cyber hug.
Sobriety is Traditional
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Orcas Island, Washington
Posts: 9,066
Hi Bill!
I have really learned a lot about the "Friends and Family" side of things from reading around here at SoberRecovery. One thing I have learned is that AlAnon can be very helpful.
My problems seem very "first-world," but I have experienced some true depression lately too. I lived in Hawaii from 1967 to 2004, but since then have lived in a cooler place with short winter days. Well, we recently took a vacation in Hawaii, and it was not easy coming home. But my wife and I discussed the situation, realizing it would not work economically (and for other reasons) to move back to Hawaii. And we found one solution that seems to be helping: one of those daylight lamps that you sit by for half an hour each day. My wife said I had a big smile on my face after sitting by it the first time!
I have really learned a lot about the "Friends and Family" side of things from reading around here at SoberRecovery. One thing I have learned is that AlAnon can be very helpful.
My problems seem very "first-world," but I have experienced some true depression lately too. I lived in Hawaii from 1967 to 2004, but since then have lived in a cooler place with short winter days. Well, we recently took a vacation in Hawaii, and it was not easy coming home. But my wife and I discussed the situation, realizing it would not work economically (and for other reasons) to move back to Hawaii. And we found one solution that seems to be helping: one of those daylight lamps that you sit by for half an hour each day. My wife said I had a big smile on my face after sitting by it the first time!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
Originally Posted by Anna 
Bill, I'm really sorry to hear about your depression, but I have every faith that you will get through it.
As far as your children, my suggestion is to let it go. I feel like we have to allow our grown children to make their own decisions, whether or not we think they are right or wrong.
As far as your children, my suggestion is to let it go. I feel like we have to allow our grown children to make their own decisions, whether or not we think they are right or wrong.
Bill
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
Hi Mera!
Sorry to hear that you have a bump in the road. Yes, you're doing just the right thing. See the doctor and let him or her designate the medication and control it. That's what I do and it really helps and is a real safeguard.
Your wise advice would be most appropriate if this were a case of alcohol or substance abuse. Just saying "I'm here to help if you need me!". Quite different. Compulsive behavior which might be life threatening, bring on a heart attack or stroke. Entirely appropriate to make a suggestion. If someone's heading for a cliff and doesn't see it, it's a positive duty to say, "Hay! There's a cliff. Do you see it?! Indeed, it's wrong not to say it. No question of suicide here. Not a "Thelma and Louise"
Winston Churchill found this scary poem which seems appropriate:
Who is in charge of the clattering train?
The axles creak and the couplings strain,
and the pace is hot and the points are near,
and sleep hath deadened the driver's ear,
and the signals flash through the night in vain,
for death is in charge of the clattering train
Bill
Sorry to hear that you have a bump in the road. Yes, you're doing just the right thing. See the doctor and let him or her designate the medication and control it. That's what I do and it really helps and is a real safeguard.
Your wise advice would be most appropriate if this were a case of alcohol or substance abuse. Just saying "I'm here to help if you need me!". Quite different. Compulsive behavior which might be life threatening, bring on a heart attack or stroke. Entirely appropriate to make a suggestion. If someone's heading for a cliff and doesn't see it, it's a positive duty to say, "Hay! There's a cliff. Do you see it?! Indeed, it's wrong not to say it. No question of suicide here. Not a "Thelma and Louise"
Winston Churchill found this scary poem which seems appropriate:
Who is in charge of the clattering train?
The axles creak and the couplings strain,
and the pace is hot and the points are near,
and sleep hath deadened the driver's ear,
and the signals flash through the night in vain,
for death is in charge of the clattering train
Bill
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
Originally Posted by wpainterw
Winston Churchill found this scary poem which seems appropriate:
Who is in charge of the clattering train?
The axles creak and the couplings strain,
and the pace is hot and the points are near,
and sleep hath deadened the driver's ear,
and the signals flash through the night in vain,
for death is in charge of the clattering train
Bill
Who is in charge of the clattering train?
The axles creak and the couplings strain,
and the pace is hot and the points are near,
and sleep hath deadened the driver's ear,
and the signals flash through the night in vain,
for death is in charge of the clattering train
Bill
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
Bill,
Sorry you are not feeling well.
I recall when I was most depressed I felt like I wished had cancer because that I would know how to fight.
About your grandson, and "knowing" you some from here, I think you need to say something. I know it will upset your wife, but if you don't, and something bad happens, as it sounds like is a real risk, you will never forgive yourself (or her).
Reading between the lines, I think you agree but wonder if its worth the fight with your wife. I think you think it is.
Good luck.
Sorry you are not feeling well.
I recall when I was most depressed I felt like I wished had cancer because that I would know how to fight.
About your grandson, and "knowing" you some from here, I think you need to say something. I know it will upset your wife, but if you don't, and something bad happens, as it sounds like is a real risk, you will never forgive yourself (or her).
Reading between the lines, I think you agree but wonder if its worth the fight with your wife. I think you think it is.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
It's a wonder we don't all share a sickness of spirit, Bill, given the state of the world. Certainly it's understandable that you'd be upset at seeing a family member endangering his health through apathy. I'm afraid I have no safe advice beyond the very old "you can lead a horse to water" saw. Let him know you care and tell him your concerns, then try to let go. I mean let go of your expectations and desires for a certain outcome. Try as best you can to embrace the serenity prayer, and determine which things you can help.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
Originally Posted by Dropsie
Bill,
Sorry you are not feeling well.
I recall when I was most depressed I felt like I wished had cancer because that I would know how to fight.
About your grandson, and "knowing" you some from here, I think you need to say something. I know it will upset your wife, but if you don't, and something bad happens, as it sounds like is a real risk, you will never forgive yourself (or her).
Reading between the lines, I think you agree but wonder if its worth the fight with your wife. I think you think it is.
Good luck.
Sorry you are not feeling well.
I recall when I was most depressed I felt like I wished had cancer because that I would know how to fight.
About your grandson, and "knowing" you some from here, I think you need to say something. I know it will upset your wife, but if you don't, and something bad happens, as it sounds like is a real risk, you will never forgive yourself (or her).
Reading between the lines, I think you agree but wonder if its worth the fight with your wife. I think you think it is.
Good luck.
Bill
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
P.S. Feeling so much better now. Looking forward to 2018. At least, if we all survive until November, I shall have been sober for 30 years. In view of my limited life expectancy I doubt that I shall have further problems in this connection but I must always be aware of the tiger behind me and avoid complacency.
The Tyger
BY WILLIAM BLAKE
Tyger Tyger, burning bright,
In the forests of the night;
What immortal hand or eye,
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?
In what distant deeps or skies.
Burnt the fire of thine eyes?
On what wings dare he aspire?
What the hand, dare seize the fire?
And what shoulder, & what art,
Could twist the sinews of thy heart?
And when thy heart began to beat,
What dread hand? & what dread feet?
What the hammer? what the chain,
In what furnace was thy brain?
What the anvil? what dread grasp,
Dare its deadly terrors clasp!
When the stars threw down their spears
And water'd heaven with their tears:
Did he smile his work to see?
Did he who made the Lamb make thee?
Tyger Tyger burning bright,
In the forests of the night:
What immortal hand or eye,
Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?
Bill.
The Tyger
BY WILLIAM BLAKE
Tyger Tyger, burning bright,
In the forests of the night;
What immortal hand or eye,
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?
In what distant deeps or skies.
Burnt the fire of thine eyes?
On what wings dare he aspire?
What the hand, dare seize the fire?
And what shoulder, & what art,
Could twist the sinews of thy heart?
And when thy heart began to beat,
What dread hand? & what dread feet?
What the hammer? what the chain,
In what furnace was thy brain?
What the anvil? what dread grasp,
Dare its deadly terrors clasp!
When the stars threw down their spears
And water'd heaven with their tears:
Did he smile his work to see?
Did he who made the Lamb make thee?
Tyger Tyger burning bright,
In the forests of the night:
What immortal hand or eye,
Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?
Bill.
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