It begins...
 

So I went to my first meeting today.
3 days after being escorted out of my local casino covered in my own sick (and other things).

I didn't think of myself as an alcoholic because I didn't drink every day. I mean I had problems stopping drinking the minute a drink was in the nearest vicinity. I couldn't say no. I thought about it all the time. Dropped out of activities because I was hungover/still drunk from night before. And never managed to last giving up.

The truth is I've had problems since I was 12. And when I was 18 they got to the point where I was hammered all the time. I was a Party Boy. And boy did I party. I was great fun. (As long as you weren't around for the sick, or the soiling or the illness or injuries.)

But in the past few years I'd managed to contain it down to only 6 times a month. And recently even less than that. I could be sober for a good amount of time, but the minute I smelt liquor, or drugs, I was gone. And then my next week would be destroyed with hangover or financial strain. My control started slipping again and I realised I was about to get to a point where I couldn't hold on any longer and I'd be lost forever.

And at the meeting it hit me that even when I'm not drinking I'm scratching the itch - I'm spending too much, using codeine and other prescription drugs, eating too much, purging too much. (And in the past coke, meth, MDMA etc.).

So whether or not I am an alcoholic or just have problems with drink, I'm at AA now. And really sad. Because I have to say goodbye to the crazy party boy that really was a wild ride. And all I want to do is send him off with the biggest party ever. But I'm guessing that's not quite how it works...

I don't know how forums work. This is my first post. (How I've avoided posting on a forum all these years is beyond me.) So I don't know if this will be read at all. But I'm sending my hopes and fears off into the universe anyway.

Welcome! I just recently started AA too, after finally accepting that what I have been doing isn't working and I can't do it alone. I am heading out to my 3rd ever meeting here in a few. Good luck! At some point we all figure out that we can't keep "living" this way... it has helpped me immensely to find people who understand, both on SR and in AA.

Hi Nectarine.

Do remember that you still get to be you, just in a more sustainable way. Quitting drinking doesn't deprive you of your essence; in fact, I feel like I'm now becoming more of myself without addictive obsessions and depression in the way.

Welcome, Nectarine!

It's been said it isn't how often we drink - but what it does to us when we do. I turned into a completely different person. One drink always led to 10. All my attempts to use willpower to control myself failed. Once it was in my system, anything could happen. Dangerous and reckless behavior ensued. The only way for me to be safe was to stop all together. Being free of it is a wonderful gift. You can do it.

Welcome Nectarine, I hope you overcome your problems and beat your addiction. I feel that I was a bit like you when younger. My life was one endless party or so I thought. Looking back I now see how many important things in my life simply passed me by or I was in too bad a state to deal with them properly and humanely. It fills me with regret and motivates me to make amends. I'm pleased you've come on here and bravo for attending AA!

Hi and welcome Nectarine :)

Trust me posts do get read - you'll find a lot of support and encouragement here :)

I thought that my quitting drinking was an end - maybe the end - but it's been a new beginning to a wonderful new life for me, and many others here. You'll be ok :)

D

Welcome!!!

I can understand how you want to give that "party boy" one last hoorah before stopping, but what if that were to be your final hoorah ever, would that be worth it? Probably not, because on the other side of the fence, the sober life you can experience a new life, a happier life, less financial strain, less mess on you, less embarrassment, shame, and so on...
I know we shouldn't play the "what-if" game, but I think this is a good reason to, you never know what on the other end of that party. Sounds like you have done enough of that?!

When I stopped using, I had to fully accept the fact I can not drink, alcohol and I have a very toxic relationship and I value my life more than any substance.

I hope you find your way, I will send some good energy to you!

Come here often, please.

Best wishes,
DreamCatcher

The time is now to change your life. Just do it one day at a time.
Glad you are here.Keep posting because someone is always out there in this 'universe' listening 24/7