JustTony

I'll be honest and say I'm worrying. I'm worrying that I've not beaten this thing in the long term.

It's not that I'm struggling (the opposite in fact). It's not that I want a drink (I have no urges at all). My AV has only come out once for 30 seconds in 17 days so far (it's like 'he' knows it's futile). I'm also enjoying life so much more - actively loving parts of it (going to the gym; rising early; bed at a reasonable hour; work is going so much better; wife is happier; self respect is getting back up there etc)

But that's why I'm worried. It's too easy and I feel that's leaving me defenceless when 'the time' comes.

I was just reading about acceptance and I found myself in a state of mind that was very much "yeah, yeah, yeah" - and then I pulled myself up and went "whoaaaaaaa!" - this is the kind of self centred arrogance that made you a drunk...

I then thought about when I smoked. I smoked cigarettes for 16 years to the extent of about 40 per day. I gave up in 2003 and have never smoked again - but you know why? Because I fully accept that if I put a cigarette in my mouth again I will smoke habitually and work up to 40 per day in no time. In fact the idea of smoking SCARES me! You see - I ACCEPT I cannot smoke and have done for ages. Maybe the idea of acceptance around smoking was never something that was explained to me or offered to me as a concept? I kind of 'got there' on my own....

I know that this is not my GENUINE mind set over drinking. I'm saying and typing the words "I can never drink again", "I'm an alcoholic" etc. but there seems to be a hollow ring to those words when I compare how I feel about smoking (as the best example I can give).

Like I say - I feel it's pretty easy at the moment but there is clearly something wrong with my level of acceptance/fear (call it what you will?)

Not sure what I am expecting as a response to this as I'm just sharing my thoughts.

PS - Please don't suggest AA to me. I have nothing against AA and the great work that it does. But it's not for me. I know that having read things like the knitting thread (as an example).

Regards,

JT

Dee74

Hi Tony

I didn't stop in 2007 and be sure I'd never drink again. Even tho my drinking had nearly killed me and the thought of dying struck me mute with terror I considered it a fair to middling chance I'd go back to it eventually.

I didn't know how anyone would or could live my life and not drink.

Then a few things happened - somehow I found this place and posted - a lot - for a few months.

I also made some changes in my life.

I changed my social circle.

I changed the way I had fun, I changed the way I dealt with pain, and strong emotions, and I changed the way I approached problems.

I figured if it didn't work out I'd always be welcomed back to the drinking life...but instead I gradually felt a change in me.

I was growing to like my new life and the new me. Like really like.I preferred it in every aspect to my old life.

Gradually I got to a point where the old me was gone and a new me, one who wanted to stay sober, stood in his place.

I guess what I'm trying to say is the journeys not over yet.
If you don't feel changed yet, you will.

I doubt the former smoker you emerged fully formed from your long relationship with cigs either - although you might remember it that way?

If it seems too easy it might be there's harder parts of the highway up ahead - or like me, this might just be your time to grasp Excalibur and pull it from the stone?

You're on the right road Tony - why not keep following it to see where it goes?
Nothing to lose but your misery right?

D

Zanna

I think we're all feeling a little 'itchy' with Christmas and the New Year looming.
I know I am - I've gone from 'forgetting to sign in' to virtually living on SR.
Ride the waves and it will all even out again

JustTony

Great point - bang on. Thank you.

100% - A very good way to wrap it up as a reminder of how much I hated myself.

andyh

don't beat yourself up for doing well, keep doing what you're doing, it seems to be working for you. I really think that if you didn't have acceptance that you're done with alcohol, then your AV would be making itself known.

if it makes you feel better, come up with a plan for if/when urges/cravings hit. if you can think about this ahead of time, you're likely to do better than if you're trying to do it in the middle of a craving. some ideas on tactics/things to think about:

https://www.smartrecoverysd.org/wp-c...-worksheet.pdf

ReadyAtLast

You're doing great Tony. Keep on doing what you're doing. There will be difficult times ahead as you realise but the fact you realise it is good and you will be prepared for it.

mrrryahj

Be grateful for this period of time! Your disease wants to leave a loophole open, somewhere in the back of your brain. I know mine does. All these "what if" type scenarios about the future. I try and bring myself back to the present moment and realize I will be in a different mindset when those scenarios occur. I will address them when they come. Even if you're not into AA, you could always make use of the "one day at a time" concept.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, I know the AVRT stuff helps a lot of people if you're not into AA. You challenge that addictive voice by stating that you will never, ever drink again. Let it sit, let it feel uncomfortable. Face it head on. Somehow it gives you the power back. Or at least that's the premise of it I believe. If you googled AVRT I'm sure you would find the website. It's definitely an interesting premise.

Best of luck to you. Give yourself some time off from the worrying. It doesn't seem to be serving you much!! And you deserve it!

D122y

No advice from me anymore...just stories.

In turn...

Each relapse damaged me worse and worse.

I am a binger and I fried so many brain cells that I believe I was starting to fry ones I really needed to function.

Now that I have been clean for a while I am really starting to see what is left of the real me.

What is left of the undrugged, normal, healed, life skilled me. Until about a month ago, I was still healing to the extent it impacted my daily feelings and activities negatively often.

Now, at nearly 3 years clean, the whole world is a better place.

It took me nearly 3 years off the booze to see and feel so much better.

I can tell I still have healing to do though. This phase is the current best one and I feel it is almost like a positive plateau.

Of course, the first thing my alky mind wants to do to celebrate...is get drunk.

Not funny and not happening.

The road out of hell is not one I can to ever travel again.

I am positive if I relapse I may require a Dr. to aid me in maintaining sanity.

The brain damage is real.

Thank God I stopped.

The obsessions are getting better. But if I drink again I am guaranteed they will increase frequency and that could be the end of my good life as I know it.

Stay clean.

Thanks.

BixBees505

Wonderful responses above. I have little to add. Only to echo that the worry and doubt is just another “tone of voice” that my own AV takes at times, and can be dismissed in just the same way that the “why dont we just have one?” tone can be dismissed.

THIS cracked me up...
“...nothing against AA and the great work that it does. But it's not for me. I know that having read things like the knitting thread (as an example).

Keep up the good work!

Silverback4

Tony, your post really helped me as I have been and can feel the same as you describe. I am 100 days sober today and other than the first Friday after I quit I haven't had any real difficult cravings or long AV episodes and have felt concerned that things may have felt easier than they perhaps should be?

Your post and the responses have helped me and i am sure it it will help others who read.
Thanks

JustTony

Thank you for all the responses - I feel less 'dirty' about coming 'clean'.

PS - I do use the "one day at a time - I will not drink today" concept every single day - even though I stated I do not want to try AA.

Regards,

JT