I can't do this anymore...
 

I thought I was doing SO good. Made it a few days and even went to an aa meeting. Ive been drinking since Friday at 4 pm. Like i literally drank mouth wash and hand sanitizer. What the HELL is wrong with me? I begged my husband to take me to the er... he said it was pointless and all we would get out of it was a bill. Says they wont put me in rehab, all they will do is stick an iv in my arm and send me home once i am sober so whats the point? He says i can sober up here for free. I fell again and have another black eye. I feel like such a failure. And a loser. When the person who should help you has given up and turned his back on you what do you do? He says i should just wait til monday and call my doctor and ask them to put me in rehab. But by monday i wont think i need it. I know i need it now!!!!

I'm sorry KG. If rehab is an option it sounds like the safest place for you to be.

I wore out my good will with a lot of people too...no blame or judgement, just a statement of fact...

I think you need to be your own advocate in this.
Doesn't sound like anyone else is going to do it for you.

Get yourself to some help- - go see the local ER or your Dr and tell them you've been drinking mouthwash and hand sanitiser.

Thats dangerous stuff.

D

How about copying this post or even writing down on paper how youre feeling and then have a good look at that on Monday before phoning the Doctor? It will remind you of how you're feeling now.
It's a tough road at the beginning, but very doable and you've posted here, so want that help.
Hope the eye clears soon - a whole new life awaits you :)
ER sounds a good idea to me - hand sanitiser etc, is not going to do your insides much good :(

Can you die from drinking hand sanitizer? I suppose if i was going to die from it, i would already have.... but i am so scared right now. Its 10 after midnight my time and i cant sleep. I need to sleep... I am freezing and cant get warm....

I have no experience to share with hand santiser but I think we can all agree it can't be good for you.

If you're not going to the doctor tonight, hope you can get warm and maybe get some rest, KG.

D

Thank you Dee... i know i sound like a drama queen... i am so embarassed.

I don't think you sound like a drama queen at all.

I've had nights when the anxiety was pulsing through me, heart racing and every nerve screaming.

Not a nice place to be.

The good thing about SR is people understand :)

D

Maybe get to some MORE meetings. EVERY day if necessary. And remember, meetings aren't the AA program of recovery. Steps with a sponsor is the program of recovery. I sat in meetings for a long time wondering why I wasn't getting better - but I needed to actually do that recovery work myself. Once i accepted that and started doibg the work, then i started gettjng some relief.

I would also suggest that if you really think you need a&e you call an ambulance (or a taxi) and get there yourself. I should imagine the same husband who thought you shouldn't go to hospital would also have told you not to drink hand sanitizer, so you are capable of going against what he thinks. Our recovery happens when we decide enough is enough and make it happen ourselves. No one can do this for us. Not parents, or spouses, or our kids, or our friends. There are people who can help us as we get on with that work but it is our shovel and our mess to dig our self out of.

It's tempting to think that because its hard, and painful that this will stop us succeeding. But it doesn't. As long as we can find the willingness to lean into your fear and pain and do what you need to to get sober and ignore your AV Chuntering away in your head telling you that you need or deserve alcohol.

I presume you chucked out all the alcoholic drinks in the house. Well perhaps it would be a good idea to replace household goods containing alcohol with varieties that don't.

You can do this. With or without your partners help.

BB

Yes. I dumped everything. You're right BB .... i don't know if i need to go to the hospital now or not. I can't imagine i could feel much worse than i do right now... but i know the hangover is coming. And its going to be brutal. :a043:

Hi KG,

You do not sound like a drama queen at all. You sound like someone who is struggling, and is reaching out to get some help. If your husband isn't willing to take you to ER call a friend, or an ambulance. Tell them what you were drinking. They should be able to get you through the initial withdrawals,and hopefully will be able to help you find a rehab as well.

I'm sure you are very scared right now, but you also sound very ready to be done with drinking, and start focusing on recovery, and getting healthy.

Please check in and let us know how you are.

❤️Delilah

This. Exactly.

Please look after yourself.
BB

KG I'm so sorry for the awful place you're in. If you need to go to A&E please go straight away. The fear in your post is acute. Every minute you get through sober right now is a victory sweetheart please take care and post as much as you need to. We are here for you xxx

I didn't get much sleep last night. I am exhausted. I feel miserable and embarassed. I am going to an AA meeting as soon as i can....:scared::scared::scared:

Support to you KG. Hope you feel better soon.

Thank you everyone. I had my phone in my hand to call for help when i knew i was choosing to drink. I didn't do it. I have to stop telling myself i dont need antabuse. I do right now.

Hi KG, I'm very sorry you are in the state you are in. I personally feel that medical supervision would be the wisest choice regardless of what your husband thinks. Call an ambulance and have them take you. It might save your life. Support to you.

im glad ya made it back!
this is reminding me of a couple lines from the BB:
Once more: The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink. Except in a few rare cases, neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defense. His defense must come from a Higher Power.

Thank you everyone. I had my phone in my hand to call for help when i knew i was choosing to drink. I didn't do it. I have to stop telling myself i dont need antabuse. I do right now.

and now theres a lesson:
the option of not calling netted horrible results. so, not calling isnt a good solution,eh?

Cheering for you, KG!

I just got home from the meeting. I am so glad I went. I got the big book and a booklet of all the meetings in my area. Before i left i got some good advice. "Know when your next meeting is and dont drink between now and then. " starting over is hard. But If i want to stop starting over, i have to stop giving up. :c022:

good on ya!!
i think it would be wise to add to this:
"Know when your next meeting is and dont drink between now and then. "

this:
and if ya get the urge to drink, pick up the phone. its lighter then a bottle and better solutions come from it