Still have a lot to learn
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 421
Still have a lot to learn
This morning I posted for a sober 24 hours. A sober weekend with my daughter who I only see 4 days a month. Plans for a great weekend coming up to a 90 day milestone on Sunday. 12 hours ago I had the world in my hands and not a doubt in my mind I would be successful.
Fast forward, I'm drunk. After 88 days, I caved. I was sitting in the parking lot of the gas station where I meet my daughter's Mother, and I just saw the booze inside.
Two weeks ago I posted about how I stood in front of the exact same liquor section, almost guaranteed to fail, and the biggest test of my sobriety I walked out empty handed. I posted how every thought in my head was screaming to reach out, to post here, to utilize my resources, and I didn't. The guilt stopped me.
That exact scenario occurred tonight, but tonight the AV took me over. I tried, I fought, I has the can of booze in my lap for at least 30 mins, just sitting there. Couldn't open it, couldn't throw.
Then I opened it.
How do you stop it when every venue to stop you consciously say No to?
I'm picking fights and super emotional. I want to just let certain people have it. I want to be mean and honestly don't care about the consequences.
I considered coming on here tomorrow and lying. Not facing the music and pretending everything is ok. But deep down, I am ashamed. I don't care but I do. And tomorrow is going to suck.
Fast forward, I'm drunk. After 88 days, I caved. I was sitting in the parking lot of the gas station where I meet my daughter's Mother, and I just saw the booze inside.
Two weeks ago I posted about how I stood in front of the exact same liquor section, almost guaranteed to fail, and the biggest test of my sobriety I walked out empty handed. I posted how every thought in my head was screaming to reach out, to post here, to utilize my resources, and I didn't. The guilt stopped me.
That exact scenario occurred tonight, but tonight the AV took me over. I tried, I fought, I has the can of booze in my lap for at least 30 mins, just sitting there. Couldn't open it, couldn't throw.
Then I opened it.
How do you stop it when every venue to stop you consciously say No to?
I'm picking fights and super emotional. I want to just let certain people have it. I want to be mean and honestly don't care about the consequences.
I considered coming on here tomorrow and lying. Not facing the music and pretending everything is ok. But deep down, I am ashamed. I don't care but I do. And tomorrow is going to suck.
Reality...what a concept!
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: CT, USA
Posts: 1,232
You can and you will get this SS. Sounds like you already learned the consequences and the triggers, so analysing the who, what, where and why is valuable to you. It took several slips, exactly how you describe, before I "got it". The important thing is that you can learn from this and move on. Time will prove your strength. Stay close - we are here for you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 1,543
I was only reading one of your posts last night and looking at your avatar and wondered if that was you and your daughter. You spoke so brilliantly about how you were the biggest drinker by far in your group and how you were recovering.
That man I read about inspired me and warmed me. That man is still you.
You had one crappy relapse but the 88 days sober are still yours. Your liver still thanks you. Everyone you WEREN'T mean to in those 88 days still thanks you. And I thank you for writing such inspiring posts.
It was just one bad day.
Go back to being that person you were during the 88 days. Don't let one bad day become a bad year or decade.
Strength to you.
JT
That man I read about inspired me and warmed me. That man is still you.
You had one crappy relapse but the 88 days sober are still yours. Your liver still thanks you. Everyone you WEREN'T mean to in those 88 days still thanks you. And I thank you for writing such inspiring posts.
It was just one bad day.
Go back to being that person you were during the 88 days. Don't let one bad day become a bad year or decade.
Strength to you.
JT
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,415
Hey Sat
I'm sorry you drank
At any given moment there are people here to help, and people in other places like AA SMART or whatever.
If you're being punched around, tag someone else in to help.
If you're knee deep in the eff its, recognise that for what it is...a self destructive impulse that works to see everything you love destroyed, everyone you love pushed away and ultimately will see you dead.
I don't believe that anyone loses all their will in a moment - there's always a negotiation process - a million milliseconds and a million steps before that thought becomes a reality.
you walk into the gas station, buy the booze and sit there with it in your lap in your truck.
You can cancel the transaction at any time. The AV can only get what it wants if you cooperate. You can refuse to cooperate.
You can call for reinforcements at any time.
It won't always be this hard - but it can be this hard for a while...which is why I'm always pushing recovery action plans.
If you have one set out, it's easier to turn to instead of trying to make up something on the fly while a voice inside SCREAMS for that beer.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...very-plan.html (What exactly is a recovery plan?)
You can still salvage the weekend. I hope you've dumped any booze you had left and got to bed.
Tomorrows another day Recovery 2.0.
Better Stronger Faster ... right?
D
I'm sorry you drank
How do you stop it when every venue to stop you consciously say No to?
If you're being punched around, tag someone else in to help.
If you're knee deep in the eff its, recognise that for what it is...a self destructive impulse that works to see everything you love destroyed, everyone you love pushed away and ultimately will see you dead.
I don't believe that anyone loses all their will in a moment - there's always a negotiation process - a million milliseconds and a million steps before that thought becomes a reality.
you walk into the gas station, buy the booze and sit there with it in your lap in your truck.
You can cancel the transaction at any time. The AV can only get what it wants if you cooperate. You can refuse to cooperate.
You can call for reinforcements at any time.
It won't always be this hard - but it can be this hard for a while...which is why I'm always pushing recovery action plans.
If you have one set out, it's easier to turn to instead of trying to make up something on the fly while a voice inside SCREAMS for that beer.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...very-plan.html (What exactly is a recovery plan?)
You can still salvage the weekend. I hope you've dumped any booze you had left and got to bed.
Tomorrows another day Recovery 2.0.
Better Stronger Faster ... right?
D
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Ss,
It's crazy how at 88 days clean we crave so hard.
I didn't discover this site until I was 80 days clean.
I was losing my mind and couldn't figure out why.
So I Googled it,
I learned it can take over 2 years to get fully healed.
I am over 2 years and i still feel jacked up sometimes. I am having to relearn how to live without booze.
Last night, free booze everywhere. Beer, hard stuff, wine. It was a drinkers paradise.
3 years ago, I would have figured out a way to be so wasted right now.
I was so addicted.
The brain damage is what kept me coming back. When I didn't drink, it felt like the world was moving too fast. I needed booze to feel normal.
Last night I felt such anxiety. I knew I wasn't going to drink.
I don't know why I had anxiety for sure, I just had it. I know it is mainly my addiction, but it is also because I never learned to cope w frustration....blah blah blah...doesn't matter. Main thing was....
I don't drink anymore.
When I was really ready to get clean I knew it. I had to know it because the suffering I endured to get this clean was hell on earth.
I would curl up in a ball and cry. I would pray to God the get me through tis.
The great thing is going to bed and waking up sober. Such a great feeling knowing everything is where it should be, no black outs, no drunken regrets.
I said and did 1 or 2 things sort of dumb last night at the company xmas party, but it was all me. There were a few people working hard to get very drunk.
I really do not miss those days. A few minutes per drink of euphoria, for weeks of suffering. Now that I am aware, it just doesn't make sense to me any more.
Stay clean.
Thanks.
It's crazy how at 88 days clean we crave so hard.
I didn't discover this site until I was 80 days clean.
I was losing my mind and couldn't figure out why.
So I Googled it,
I learned it can take over 2 years to get fully healed.
I am over 2 years and i still feel jacked up sometimes. I am having to relearn how to live without booze.
Last night, free booze everywhere. Beer, hard stuff, wine. It was a drinkers paradise.
3 years ago, I would have figured out a way to be so wasted right now.
I was so addicted.
The brain damage is what kept me coming back. When I didn't drink, it felt like the world was moving too fast. I needed booze to feel normal.
Last night I felt such anxiety. I knew I wasn't going to drink.
I don't know why I had anxiety for sure, I just had it. I know it is mainly my addiction, but it is also because I never learned to cope w frustration....blah blah blah...doesn't matter. Main thing was....
I don't drink anymore.
When I was really ready to get clean I knew it. I had to know it because the suffering I endured to get this clean was hell on earth.
I would curl up in a ball and cry. I would pray to God the get me through tis.
The great thing is going to bed and waking up sober. Such a great feeling knowing everything is where it should be, no black outs, no drunken regrets.
I said and did 1 or 2 things sort of dumb last night at the company xmas party, but it was all me. There were a few people working hard to get very drunk.
I really do not miss those days. A few minutes per drink of euphoria, for weeks of suffering. Now that I am aware, it just doesn't make sense to me any more.
Stay clean.
Thanks.
EnjoyingTheJourney
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 3,847
(((SSieze))) Others have said it so well. May I just add that you have 88 days of living with a clear head and doing the next right thing and that is no small achievement. Please pour out any leftovers and stay with us. Sending you a Big Hug.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
I'm glad you are back and I hope you are spending a safe and sober visit with your daughter.
Soooo, you drank right before seeing the child you only see 4 days a month. And you considered it two weeks ago but prevailed. It seems to me that this whole parenting thing is something to take a close look at. I can only share my experience but parenting is probably my second largest trigger. I hate that word, trigger. Really, anything can be a trigger if I allow my brain to respond that way. But truly, I have a couple of them. I used to think my daughter triggered me. But that's not true. Its 'parenting' and how I respond to all the carp that swarms around in my head regarding the whole venture. I have sooooo much guilt about my past drunken behavior. I am so afraid of failing. I have so many issues around my own childhood and my relationship with my mother. I have/am working through those. But mostly I need to realize that it is MY reactions to parenting that are the seat of the problem. Nothing sets me off more than parenting. I love and resent my daughter sometimes in equal measure. Weird huh? Sometimes I resent the most because I can't fix her. I can't make everything ok. I dunno. Its a whole lotta stuff. But I have learned that I don't have to react to the carp in my head that make s me feel so damn powerless over something I love so very deeply. I just have to keep loving. And mostly I have to stay sober. Pretty fricken weird that this powerlessness drives me to do the one thing that will absolutely make everything worse. Ah the lie of the alcoholic beast. 4 months ago my daughter and I were talking. She said these three words to me that broke through some weird wall in a way no other 3 words could "I NEED YOU". OMG. And then followed it up with I cannot do this without you. Well. Ok. Your daughter needs you.
Start over. You can do this.
Soooo, you drank right before seeing the child you only see 4 days a month. And you considered it two weeks ago but prevailed. It seems to me that this whole parenting thing is something to take a close look at. I can only share my experience but parenting is probably my second largest trigger. I hate that word, trigger. Really, anything can be a trigger if I allow my brain to respond that way. But truly, I have a couple of them. I used to think my daughter triggered me. But that's not true. Its 'parenting' and how I respond to all the carp that swarms around in my head regarding the whole venture. I have sooooo much guilt about my past drunken behavior. I am so afraid of failing. I have so many issues around my own childhood and my relationship with my mother. I have/am working through those. But mostly I need to realize that it is MY reactions to parenting that are the seat of the problem. Nothing sets me off more than parenting. I love and resent my daughter sometimes in equal measure. Weird huh? Sometimes I resent the most because I can't fix her. I can't make everything ok. I dunno. Its a whole lotta stuff. But I have learned that I don't have to react to the carp in my head that make s me feel so damn powerless over something I love so very deeply. I just have to keep loving. And mostly I have to stay sober. Pretty fricken weird that this powerlessness drives me to do the one thing that will absolutely make everything worse. Ah the lie of the alcoholic beast. 4 months ago my daughter and I were talking. She said these three words to me that broke through some weird wall in a way no other 3 words could "I NEED YOU". OMG. And then followed it up with I cannot do this without you. Well. Ok. Your daughter needs you.
Start over. You can do this.
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Bethlehem, PA
Posts: 230
Hang in there man... What's important is that you came right back here and didn't go on a binge...
Keep fighting!!!! Don't give up and don't be too harsh on yourself.... 88-days is a long time.... You drank one time in a little over 2-months. That's like 6-times in a year. You've made so much progress... You're close to getting sober for good.
Relapses happen. Look at it as a learning experience... You now know a trigger is for you. I'd stay away from that gas station for a very long time... As another poster said maybe parenting had something to do it. Just analyze it.
Also, don't hesitate to come on here and post when you get strong urges... A lot of us tend to do it after, myself included, and it is the wrong strategy IMO.
Keep fighting!!!! Don't give up and don't be too harsh on yourself.... 88-days is a long time.... You drank one time in a little over 2-months. That's like 6-times in a year. You've made so much progress... You're close to getting sober for good.
Relapses happen. Look at it as a learning experience... You now know a trigger is for you. I'd stay away from that gas station for a very long time... As another poster said maybe parenting had something to do it. Just analyze it.
Also, don't hesitate to come on here and post when you get strong urges... A lot of us tend to do it after, myself included, and it is the wrong strategy IMO.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 421
Morning all, thanks for the kind words. It's a lot to take in, waking up, and realizing what happened.
I laid in bed with a pounding headache for awhile, contemplating just staying there. But then I decided my daughter doesn't deserve that. We had plans to go to the Waterpark this morning and I'm not making her miss that.
So, pounding headache and all, we are getting ready to leave.
I'll post more tonight once I feel better physically and have the day to process it all.
Thanks again for all the kind words and I hope everyone has a wonderful day.
I laid in bed with a pounding headache for awhile, contemplating just staying there. But then I decided my daughter doesn't deserve that. We had plans to go to the Waterpark this morning and I'm not making her miss that.
So, pounding headache and all, we are getting ready to leave.
I'll post more tonight once I feel better physically and have the day to process it all.
Thanks again for all the kind words and I hope everyone has a wonderful day.
Boxer
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Tampa, Florida
Posts: 151
Originally Posted by D122y 
Ss,
It's crazy how at 88 days clean we crave so hard.
I didn't discover this site until I was 80 days clean.
I was losing my mind and couldn't figure out why.
So I Googled it,
I learned it can take over 2 years to get fully healed.
I am over 2 years and i still feel jacked up sometimes. I am having to relearn how to live without booze.
Last night, free booze everywhere. Beer, hard stuff, wine. It was a drinkers paradise.
3 years ago, I would have figured out a way to be so wasted right now.
I was so addicted.
The brain damage is what kept me coming back. When I didn't drink, it felt like the world was moving too fast. I needed booze to feel normal.
Last night I felt such anxiety. I knew I wasn't going to drink.
I don't know why I had anxiety for sure, I just had it. I know it is mainly my addiction, but it is also because I never learned to cope w frustration....blah blah blah...doesn't matter. Main thing was....
I don't drink anymore.
When I was really ready to get clean I knew it. I had to know it because the suffering I endured to get this clean was hell on earth.
I would curl up in a ball and cry. I would pray to God the get me through tis.
The great thing is going to bed and waking up sober. Such a great feeling knowing everything is where it should be, no black outs, no drunken regrets.
I said and did 1 or 2 things sort of dumb last night at the company xmas party, but it was all me. There were a few people working hard to get very drunk.
I really do not miss those days. A few minutes per drink of euphoria, for weeks of suffering. Now that I am aware, it just doesn't make sense to me any more.
Stay clean.
Thanks.
It's crazy how at 88 days clean we crave so hard.
I didn't discover this site until I was 80 days clean.
I was losing my mind and couldn't figure out why.
So I Googled it,
I learned it can take over 2 years to get fully healed.
I am over 2 years and i still feel jacked up sometimes. I am having to relearn how to live without booze.
Last night, free booze everywhere. Beer, hard stuff, wine. It was a drinkers paradise.
3 years ago, I would have figured out a way to be so wasted right now.
I was so addicted.
The brain damage is what kept me coming back. When I didn't drink, it felt like the world was moving too fast. I needed booze to feel normal.
Last night I felt such anxiety. I knew I wasn't going to drink.
I don't know why I had anxiety for sure, I just had it. I know it is mainly my addiction, but it is also because I never learned to cope w frustration....blah blah blah...doesn't matter. Main thing was....
I don't drink anymore.
When I was really ready to get clean I knew it. I had to know it because the suffering I endured to get this clean was hell on earth.
I would curl up in a ball and cry. I would pray to God the get me through tis.
The great thing is going to bed and waking up sober. Such a great feeling knowing everything is where it should be, no black outs, no drunken regrets.
I said and did 1 or 2 things sort of dumb last night at the company xmas party, but it was all me. There were a few people working hard to get very drunk.
I really do not miss those days. A few minutes per drink of euphoria, for weeks of suffering. Now that I am aware, it just doesn't make sense to me any more.
Stay clean.
Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Well it sounds like you are doing ok. That is great.
I had to google indoor water park. It's a thing. Who knew? I'm looking at snow and 23 degrees so water park to me is a hot tub with some tub toys! Haha.
Take care and have fun with your kiddo.
I had to google indoor water park. It's a thing. Who knew? I'm looking at snow and 23 degrees so water park to me is a hot tub with some tub toys! Haha.
Take care and have fun with your kiddo.
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