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Sober.... friends....

Old 12-15-2017, 10:58 AM
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Sober.... friends....

I've come to the conclusion that it is time to cast off a lot of unhealthy friendships, and find some new ones. It's filling me full of guilt and sadness but the time has come.

It seems daunting and scary... where do you start? I live in quite a small town.... many people here have interests I couldn't care less about unfortunately lol

But I'm willing to embrace the new challenges. How have other people's experiences gone? Is there hope? I'm 31. To start afresh is daunting!
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Old 12-15-2017, 11:08 AM
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Well, when I finally decided to get sober for good (I’m on day 8), I realized that 99% of my associates are party people. In one day, I completely cut myself off from all of them...no goodbyes; nothing. Just gone. I feel great about this and don’t feel as if I was impulsive. This may seem a bit radical, but I’m very comfortable with this decision.
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Old 12-15-2017, 11:13 AM
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Nice. Well done I'm on 11 weeks. But in that time I've changed jobs and there's been a lot going on. I hadn't realised but I had already been starting to distance everyone.

I would love to find new sober friends with a passion for life to hang with and do activities with
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Old 12-15-2017, 11:20 AM
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What worked for me was volunteer work. I got involved in week 1 of recovery with a great organization. It was scary but I jumped in and it literally saved me. I was so humbled and inspired and I met some of the most amazing women I have ever know, and a few of them became great friends.
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Old 12-15-2017, 11:21 AM
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Welcome Starsabove,

I was 44 when I got sober. Yes you can start over anytime you want as long as you're on the right side of the grass. When I first got sober I pondered the same about my friends. I am a big procrastinator which helped me in this situation because as I gained sobriety my friends (ie drinking buddies) slow faded away. I worked on my issues and the friends around me slowly changed as I was changing. I didn't have to make any tough decision or have any dramatic conversation. I took my responsibility of doing what I had to do to be my best and things just worked out.

Healthy happy people gravitate to healthy happy people. Miserable drunks gravitate to.... well you know. Good luck and congrats on 11 weeks!
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Old 12-15-2017, 11:26 AM
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I haven't had to make the conscious decision to change my social group. As part of my recovery, my plan was to tell as many people as I could I was sober now. My closest drinking friends didn't believe me, but as I continued to show them I was sober in situations I normally wouldn't be, they have come around and are supportive throughout their continuance of drinking.

If these are friends that will be with you through anything, they will accept your sobriety and support you in your decsions. I was, by far, the worst drinker of the mix, even some of them were concerned about me, so it's been an easy transition.

If these people don't support you, sobriety gives you the right to be selfish and stubborn. Just continue to distance and politely decline any invitations to drink. It's good you are thinking about who is a positive and negative support for you.
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Old 12-15-2017, 11:38 AM
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Welcome!

I am 32 and I am down to 1 friend as all the others were using friends, who still use. I don't associate with that life as it doesn't align with my lifestyle. I don't call those people, I don't respond to them if they reach out. Maybe 1 day I will be in contact again, but that is doubtful, unless they become sober.

Best wishes to you
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Old 12-15-2017, 04:34 PM
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Hi starsabove - yeah most of my friends by the end were drinking buddies. But...I reconnected with old friends and I made new ones in the course of my day to day life and my hobbies and interests - people who only know me as a sober guy,

It may take a little time but things will work out

D
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Old 12-16-2017, 01:34 PM
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People change. One of my best friends was definite a party buddy. So was his wife. Big time.

They are now parents. They still drink and smoke a little weed, but nothing like they used to.

In my 40s i had a group of friends who drank so much we were called the Liquor Locusts. We have all changed, they came to visit me in rehab every sunday. Wine was a big part of our socializing, both st our parties and wine tasting up in wine country. They still drink, but not like they used to.

Most of my friends are normies. They are people with whom i have a lot of history and a great deal in common. A few people i met in rehab i still keep im touch.

Other than sobriety, i havent found a lot of friends or common ground in 12 step.

Being around normies isnt a big trigger for me. Any serious drinking buddies i had are sober, dead or way out of my life.
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Old 12-16-2017, 08:15 PM
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Thank you all 😀

I think I realised that the people I sat drinking with, I don't have a great deal in common with. When I moved home after college, I met most of my new friends in the bar. I always said I wish I could meet people outside that scene....

I guess this is my chance ☺
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Old 12-17-2017, 05:28 AM
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This is definitely the chance to seize!

For me, I was largely drinking alone by the end. I had drifted from my enabling, hard drinking "friends" and old boyfriends. There were people who had been good friends that I had also drifted from, deliberately, so they didn't know how bad it was.

My approach was to keep close company with just my parents, basically, for quite awhile- about 100 days. I was VERY sick when I quit so as I healed, I began to construct a very safe, positive "world" for myself.

I gradually did one on one lunches and dinners with people who had been positive in my life, explaining to some degree or another about my alcoholism. This lasted pretty much through the summer and early fall, till perhaps the new year, as I gradually attended small events. I started dating my now husband at 5 1/2 mo sober - I am at almost 22 mo now.

I went to my first party at 14 mo. My first wedding at 18. I have grown a wonderful and full network of close friends, of program (AA) friends, and acquaintances that I socialize with.

Bottom line- NO ONE gets a seat at my table unless they are trying to live their own best lives, alcoholic or not. I am happy spending time on my own or just with my husband and step daughter, and I am very content overall.

I also gave myself permission early on to do any/all of the following: say no to ANY invitation (even, for ex, Thanksgiving with my parents this year), leave early, and never feel I had to explain my why.

My recovery comes first, over anyone and anything - including the love of my life I just married and actually dated in high school (I am 41) - because with that life, I can have everything.

This is an important topic for me, hence the long description
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Old 12-17-2017, 08:25 AM
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I struggle every day to remain sober. I slip up like a lot of others so I'm not one to preach to others about their drinking. I remove myself from certain events, gatherings just so I'm not tempted to drink. And now I find I'm invited less and less, which is just fine. However what does bother me are the people that aren't supportive, and come down on me for not drinking, when clearly they have just as big a problem if not bigger than mine. It's like "HEY ASSHATS!" I'm at least fighting and trying to beat this. If at the end of the day all I come home to is my wife and two kids, and have no friends because I've chosen to work on my sobriety then I'm good with that.
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