How Did you guys give yourself a new sober identity
 

Ive been under infuence of substance for most of my youth (14-30 yrs).
Now Ive been sober for a few years but I still havent found a sense of
identity. I just dont know who I am.

There are all sorts of external activities that attribute to being ‘me’ nowadays (family, job, hobby’s etc.), but Im still looking for
this internal sense of identity that my addiction used to give me.

From buddhist perspective this sense of I is an illusion so my practise wont help haha. Still from recovery point of view I would like some
insights how to deal with this sense of ‘not being me’ aka ‘hole in my soul’.

Take care,

My honest answer (although I fear it will not help?)

Sober or drunk:

I just am.

I can't put it any better than that really. I never wanted an identity as such.

Honest answers Always help bro :)

And no answers is a clear answer too (let it slide)

Hi CC

My changes were partly reverting to who I used to be before I lost my way and also integrating the things I learned by finally becoming an adult in the full sense of the word.

What makes you feel you don't know who you are?
Are there things you'd change if you could?

D

Hey CC,

I actually ask myself this often. I don't know who I am completely. I do know that I care about my fellow man. I know sitting in meetings and sharing with others is where I am supposed to be. But then I am home alone and wonder what is the big picture 'me'. I am on a journey to find myself, love myself, and discover my purpose.

You cannot, not be you. Even if you think you are not being you, that is you, being you.

I have lot of flashbacks lately to my past using-life. People I hang out with, ex-gf”s, using sensations etc.

I’d change my introvert attitude and talk about it with other people, like I did today :)

Changing back to who I was before using means changing back to a 13-Year-old-boy lol I can call it a midlifecrisis and actually get away with it.

I started early too - but there were a loot of traits in the young me that I still value - integrity, honour, compassion, courage - that I lost later to a certain extent.

its good have those back, and to lose some of the less attractive traits I had then or picked up along the way :)

D

Man... I hope you see this because I know EXACTLY what you are saying and I found my solution and I hope it plants a seed for you to begin the same process I did.

In the end... Know this.. It's a process. Nobody will say something that will enlighten you instantly to an identity that you love. And no thought is going to enlighten you to a new identity that you love either. But several thoughts, a belief system, and living a certain way CAN.

I set myself on a journey to find myself this year actually. For me, it was pot at the age of 15. Smoked a lot and was selling it by "high" school.

Quit pot after college and was fine for several years, but depressed. Not right. Not whole. Definitely a hole in the soul. That hole grew and grew over time. Enter prescription meds which all have a tolerance, then legal high drugs, then alcohol which turned into becoming an all day drunk and hitting bottom. Quit that in 2015.

Even that wasn't enough. Still had a hole and returned to prescriptions and got hooked on another legal drug.

Finding myself has been an absolute amazing journey with outcomes much further than I ever could have imagined. At least in the stand point of how much I have learned about myself in the few months Ive been on this journey (since July), especially when compared to the journey it took to create the desire to even WANT to find myself (50yrs old)

Meditation is key. And not just doing it, but knowing how with some guidance. Not physically how, or what process to follow, but with what intent.

My desire was to find myself. My true spirit. My Indian spirit you might say. Something I could identify with and be proud of. Something I could follow and live every day by. As I KNEW if I lived as my spirit wants, I'd be happy.

I was right.

Check this video out when you have a quiet mind and 10min on your hand. Try to allow your deepest loving and caring version of self watch and listen. Not the busy, dual tasking while watching TV or around others, watch it.

Hope it plants a seed. PM me any time.
https://youtu.be/OOv8LdCjTyo

Interesting question. For me, I think part of me is the me before my addictions took over. The other part is the growing up I have done and am still doing through working my recovery.

I like who I am growing into being.

Maybe you'll find this interesting too. Eckert Tolle played a big role in helping me learn how to format my identity. Not in the way most would define identity. But in the sense of what I felt about myself and who I am. My story.

4 minutes
https://youtu.be/-8a6VG4rq3o

And Wayne Dyer was the one who got my wheels turning and helped me see my ego was my problem and was in the way of me being happy.

The video I'll paste below of his take on identity, mentioned God. You'd appreciate it more of you knew his view of God. He feels God is our spirit. He feels we are all connected. Which is a little goofy, but not really. When I started connecting with my spirit through meditation, I got a taste of what he believes. Every time he says God, think of it as your spirit.

This one is 29minutes. Sorry for the long videos.
https://youtu.be/Y0LXawanKwo

Thank you for posting the links, unfortunately they don't seem to be working.

I enjoy the work of Wayne Dyer and Eckert Roller. I used to find them both too quietly and slow speaking for my ears. As my recovery went on, I changed this opinion completely and loved their soft tones.

As a drinker, I listened to harsh, shouting type people. Aggressive, almost.

Who am I ?

Why am I here ?

What happened to that perfect soul that came forth into this earthly plane ?

Is that perfection still there ? if so how do I find it and where is it ? I want it back . That is the real me I demand the real me . I am asking the impossible .My brain evolved but I am not my brain and my brain is not me so where am I .

Oh yeah....thats happened when I post on mobile. Can you cut/paste into YouTube or internet?

They work when copy/ pasted into a browser .

This is interesting .
I wonder if I should let be what is .
When I try to look deep inside I mean really sit there and be as close to who I was when I was as perfect as I can remember my ego takes over and wont let me . Its like the ego refuses to be removed it hates destruction and will even make you unwell to get attention . Sounds whacko ? yes

Interesting question. I found my identity in my mid to late 20s. I started drinking later (early 20s) but really didn't drink heavily until my 30s. My alcohol use escalated over the years. At some point it crossed over to alcoholism, I'm not sure when.
You started drinking early. Perhaps, you didn't have the chance to do it then because all your energy went into using and then into quitting. It requires as much energy to quit drinking as to be an alcoholic IMO at least for a while. I've read that drug abuse has your personality growth stunted to the age you started uncontrolled drinking. You've only been quit for a few years now. Im betting a lot of those few years you were battling with quitting and didn't have the energy for much else. Now that you don't have to battle with quitting any more I'm betting you have the energy and clear mind to find it.
The question is how though. I don't know that I did anything . I agree with a poster above. It's a process.
Also no one is stagnant, People change over the years, some more so than others. I don't think your identity stays stagnant either.

Not at all. That's normal. That's the ego. And we have addict egos that are hyper sensitive to protecting itself through lying and manipulation.

Meditation is the tool. Sharpen it and become its master tech.

You only know what you know though and are limited on how effective you can make it without outside guidance.

Books, forums, audios, and attending a budhist type meditation center is helping me.

It's also worth mentioning that AA / NA is a big help too. Your new life story could be that you are a recovering alcoholic that helps others achieve what you did. That could be your identity...altruism.

Plus going through the 12 steps will reveal a lot about who you are to yourself. At a minimum, you'll get a solid look at your ego.

The more you see your ego, the more you sense / understand that part of you which can observe the ego. That make sense? So don't be mad that the ego takes over. As long as you stick it out in meditation long enough that you recognize the ego at work.

Be thankful the ego shows itself because you can't recognize the real you without it. Especially in meditation. Taking this approach will lead you to a point where you'll realize the ego is revealing its kinks in the armor.

It's defenses are strongest around the doorways.

Finding one's self. I have no answer for that one. The only thing I think I've learned is I know myself best when I am quiet in the moment. I'm right here, right now. I think sometimes my 'idea' of myself (based on societies ideals, my families ideal, some kind of 'should' thinking) cloud my perception of the me that is right there saying 'hey, I'm right here'. Haha. I have no idea what that means. And I think 'doing' rather than thinking bring me closer to the authentic me.

I know my role as a mother has greatly defined me for a long time. My daughter will be leaving for school in a 1.5 years. I have a feeling an existential crisis is out there with my name on it. I'm already making plans to avoid too much 'over analysis'. I have a brother who has been searching for himself his whole life. Truly he's quite a mess over it. I don't think there's some defining moment when he'll know who he is. Just BE in that moment and it's defined.

Frick I agree . If I can work at being as good a human being as possible ,being of service , in service to others which right now I am doing not too bad .

Incontrol 15 ,nothing wrong with peaceful reflection in quiet comfortable surroundings ,quieting the noise ,the incessant mind chatter . But what I find is if I go too deep into the why,s and how,s of my existence it can have adverse affects on me .

Coming Clean , Wayne Dyer spoke regularly of having a knowing , a deep sense of being part of a perfect universe or (God if you like ) . He taught in his many books and lectures to feel rather than just think and that,s where I like myself to be , in a position of knowing that there is a power much greater that I and that I am part of that .
My Identity is not up to me either as there are too many variables .