Frustrated, need to vent
 

Hey Guys,

This is my second time posting in the forum. I have a little over a month of sobriety right now (barring 2 or 3 nights I took some xanax prescribed to me, though I've since made a resolution not to take unless I'm having a serious panic attack) and for the most part, I'm feeling good.

I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for over a year now, and though we have had our tribulations, we have a great bond and companionship. She's supportive of me getting sober and we both love eachother very much.

Anyone on here have experience with feeling emotionally distant with their partner in the beginning of sobriety? I'm feeling this a bit right now, although I know it's due in part to my anxiety just wanting to cling onto anything that might set me off. Basically, I'm acting against my own inclinations, trying my best to go out of my way to show her the love I feel for her, but can't quite access as best as I can right now.

Any words are appreciated. Thanks.

HI pbateman

I didn't have a partner when I quit but a degree of depersonalisation does seem to be common.

Can you talk to her about this maybe?

D

Hi glad you're here and sober.
If I have caught your drift I can relate a little.

First few weeks of my sobriety I felt a bit of a distance between me and my partner, who is the love of my life by the way and she had done nothing to ignite this feeling.

It didn’t last and deep down I knew it wouldn’t but looking back I put it down to these things.

1. I was actually a little numb towards everything, a bit like being reborn into a world of awareness without alcohol dumbing my senses.

2. I was no longer scrambling to make gestures towards her that were actually born a lot out of guilt and the pain I knew I had put her through.

3. I believe getting sober properly involves going inward to ourselves and a lot of thinking, remembering and contemplating goes on as our brains begin to heal and function at least close to what they should after alcohol abuse so what you are describing, again ( if I have caught your drift) would seem plausible.

In actual fact getting and staying sober has been and continues to be the best thing I could have ever done for my better half and it keeps getting better.

You are changing, evolving even so don’t be too hard on yourself or expect too much of yourself. I have learnt slowly and still am that not all of the things I feel necessarily hold any long term meaning and learning just to sit with them, then let them pass is all part of healing.

This.

In my experience, 10 months in now, yes, there is a different type of distance between my girlfriend and myself. Which is not to say that there was always complete intimacy before, as I routinely relished a bit of alone time with the bottle and maybe a book or movie to wind down before bed after she had fallen asleep, for example.

In sobriety, I found I needed more time alone to process what was going on with my mind and body, to work through the mental pain that accompanies the process, to spend time on here reading about other peoples' experiences, etc. Normal folks don't really understand and don't necessarily need to hear all the details, I quickly learned, so this became something that I did on my own without the gf.

I also needed more time to take care of my body, tend to the routine of exercise, and really prioritize well-being over anything else, such as being home at the usual hour.

Generally, I feel like I am fighting a battle by myself that she will never understand. I need to do it for myself and for us, but it saps me of spontaneity and other gifts, so probably takes a bit of a toll on the relationship. Nevertheless, it has to be done and hopefully some day things are not quite as difficult. We become new people and those new people need to find new ways to interact with our SOs. Come to think of it, we are going to the track tomorrow to do some sprint intervals: hopefully that's not the end of it right there! ;-)

I have come to think of it as the same mechanism that caused the breakup of my marriage. As the years went by, we became different people who needed different things, and we didn’t do that growth together as happens in a successful marriage. I see the same with my sobriety and my current partner, just in a shortened time frame. I am different and changing daily, and so our relationship is changing. So far it works as we are committed and compatible, but I knew going in that I would change in ways I couldn’t forsee and that might lead to a breakup of this relationship as well.

Your post speaks to an effort to balance your needs to attend to your sobriety and personal growth, as well as a conscious effort to meet your partner’s needs. I think that is the best anyone can do, early sobriety or not.

-bora