Wierd feelings. 3 weeks-ish.
 

I've been sober about 3 weeks after a pretty brutal relapse. Prior to that I had 5 months clean & sober. Prior to that I was "in and out" for a while, trying to manage my drug & alcohol addiction the best I can, while burning my life to the ground piece by piece.

I've had a sponsor who has stuck by me through all of this and seen me through some crazy situations. Hospitalizations, serious injuries, legal stuff, all the drama & crap that goes along with the craziness of addiction.

Anyways, I met with her today and she was just expressing what a miracle it is that I'm still alive, how it almost makes her cry to even think about it, and her words just really hit home. I think I believed them for the first time... and it really scared me. I feel this overwhelming fear of relapse and I know that if I pick up again there is a good chance I won't make it back.

I feel like I really need help more than ever, like I'm accepting for the first time the devastating nature of my situation and I feel helpless and hopeless and alone and scared. I finally see clearly just how bad things really are, and that I can't do this alone.

Is this what surrender feels like? I'm scared to even be hopeful for a moment because I've let myself down so many times before in the past.

Yes. Sounds like surrender to me.

The start of your changed perspective and where you really can start to hand things over to your HP and become teachable so those promises can start coming true.

Might feel weird and scary, and I know I hated it at the time, but i look back at that time of surrender as the biggest, best and most important gift I ever recieved.

All the best for your continued recovery and sobriety as you trudge the happy road. Keep posting,

BB

PS. You're not alone. You have the people here, and in AA and most important of all, your HP. Your still small voice. Once our AVs become quieter and less chattering and distracting we can start to pause and listen to that inner voice for direction and strength. Often we find wisdom there where we didn't expect to find any (well, I didn't anyway). Meantime, sounds like you have a supportive sponsor to check any decisions with until you get more confident in anything worrisome.

Sounds like the moment I had when I realised I really only had one choice - living over dying.

It can be a bleak place to be at the time, but it's the start of a wonderful new life mrrryahj

D

when i was like you i received the gift of willingness ...

... willingness to follow direction

and youre not alone

meetings
sponsor
steps
service to others
higher power

:thanks

Sounds like the last day of my drinking when I sat on the kitchen floor, in despair and repeating over and over and over "Enough; enough; enough . . ."

Little could I understand that that was one of the best days of my life.

Move forward, Mrrryah, in and through an exponentially better way of living.