Looking for Freedom
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 5
Looking for Freedom
So here goes I guess...writing about my experiences and how all roads let to drinking.
I find myself unlike many in the throws of addiction. I had a normal childhood. Supportive parents, nice neighborhood...I got good grades, went to college, and then became a nurse. Not to say there aren't others out there that had a "normal" beginning but I find myself thinking I had no excuse to be this way where others had their reasons.
I didn't drink in high school. I drank maybe once a month in college. It was never a preoccupation or problem.
I found a great hospital with amazing friends when I was 23 years old. That place became a home...the people a family. Then after three years I was let go due to reduction in force. I had just bought a house by myself. I was 26, single, and now unemployed.
However, even with this setback, I didn't start drinking. Nothing about my drinking habits changed. In fact, a few months later I landed a new job in a new hospital.
There was an adjustment period...meeting new people and finding a new home in that building. But it happened. I was ok again.
Now during all this time I had relationships here and there...6 months here...3 months there...nothing ever felt right. And then I met "him." For the sake of names let's call him Michael.
Michael worked in the same building. Michael was married. Michael wanted to be with me. Michael left his wife. And now Michael and I were together.
Michael was (I imagine still is) an alcoholic.
Michael and I had a volatile four years together, on and off. Our activities included staying in all weekend and drinking from morning until night. Included emotional and verbal abuse. Included my loss of identity and start of my addiction. It was Michael and bottles. Bottles and Michael. Then the relationship ended and there was no Michael. Just bottles.
I entered IOP the summer of 2016. I stayed sober for three months--setting a 90 day goal. I attended AA meetings although never committing enough to get a sponsor or do the steps. There were aspects of AA that I didn't like...one set of guidelines to help any alcoholic recover... I wanted more.
After 3 months I decided I was ready to drink again like I did when I was "normal."
We all know how that turned out.
Now, 2017, I am back in IOP and want to find meaning in my life without the bottle. Find something to look forward to besides a night on my couch with a full bottle of wine. It's difficult to imagine something else that could bring me such joy. And that statement, I know, is pathetic.
I want freedom. I want my mind to look forward to companionship over isolation, sanity over chaos, life over numbness.
I am weak on my own. Please give me strength.
I find myself unlike many in the throws of addiction. I had a normal childhood. Supportive parents, nice neighborhood...I got good grades, went to college, and then became a nurse. Not to say there aren't others out there that had a "normal" beginning but I find myself thinking I had no excuse to be this way where others had their reasons.
I didn't drink in high school. I drank maybe once a month in college. It was never a preoccupation or problem.
I found a great hospital with amazing friends when I was 23 years old. That place became a home...the people a family. Then after three years I was let go due to reduction in force. I had just bought a house by myself. I was 26, single, and now unemployed.
However, even with this setback, I didn't start drinking. Nothing about my drinking habits changed. In fact, a few months later I landed a new job in a new hospital.
There was an adjustment period...meeting new people and finding a new home in that building. But it happened. I was ok again.
Now during all this time I had relationships here and there...6 months here...3 months there...nothing ever felt right. And then I met "him." For the sake of names let's call him Michael.
Michael worked in the same building. Michael was married. Michael wanted to be with me. Michael left his wife. And now Michael and I were together.
Michael was (I imagine still is) an alcoholic.
Michael and I had a volatile four years together, on and off. Our activities included staying in all weekend and drinking from morning until night. Included emotional and verbal abuse. Included my loss of identity and start of my addiction. It was Michael and bottles. Bottles and Michael. Then the relationship ended and there was no Michael. Just bottles.
I entered IOP the summer of 2016. I stayed sober for three months--setting a 90 day goal. I attended AA meetings although never committing enough to get a sponsor or do the steps. There were aspects of AA that I didn't like...one set of guidelines to help any alcoholic recover... I wanted more.
After 3 months I decided I was ready to drink again like I did when I was "normal."
We all know how that turned out.
Now, 2017, I am back in IOP and want to find meaning in my life without the bottle. Find something to look forward to besides a night on my couch with a full bottle of wine. It's difficult to imagine something else that could bring me such joy. And that statement, I know, is pathetic.
I want freedom. I want my mind to look forward to companionship over isolation, sanity over chaos, life over numbness.
I am weak on my own. Please give me strength.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Kate.
Welcome.
We build recovery the same way a stonemason builds a wall.
Brick by brick.
Concentrate right now on staying sober: eat when you are hungry, stay hydrated, and try to get some gentle exercise.
By practicing good self care, we take the first steps toward loving ourselves again and building a life of recovery.
You can do it.
Welcome.
We build recovery the same way a stonemason builds a wall.
Brick by brick.
Concentrate right now on staying sober: eat when you are hungry, stay hydrated, and try to get some gentle exercise.
By practicing good self care, we take the first steps toward loving ourselves again and building a life of recovery.
You can do it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 245
I just want to tell you this is one of the most inspiring posts I've read in here.
You sound like a very strong woman, that is beautiful. Look it does not matter where have we been anymore, it's where we can go. And by being sober, we can be anywhere we want.
Do this for you and for those around you that you love.
You sound like a very strong woman, that is beautiful. Look it does not matter where have we been anymore, it's where we can go. And by being sober, we can be anywhere we want.
Do this for you and for those around you that you love.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Welcome Kate 
This see a great community - it helped me to see I was actually stronger than I ever imagined - once I put that strength to the right things
SR helped me turn my life around - I know we can help you too
D
This see a great community - it helped me to see I was actually stronger than I ever imagined - once I put that strength to the right things
SR helped me turn my life around - I know we can help you too
D
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 5
Thank you.
Thank you all for the warm welcome. How does this site work best for everyone? Following posts etc? I want to start a blog to record my journey... I feel I would hold myself more accountable that way. Is there a way to do that on here?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Hi Punwithkate
Not sure what device you're using but there's a tab marked blogs on the toolbar that runs across the top of my page (I'm on a PC desktop)
click the little down arrow beside 'blogs' and start with 'your blog' - you can then 'post to your blog'.
The only disadvantage with blogs over threads and posts IMO is you'll get less feedback than you do with posts and threads..
Not sure what device you're using but there's a tab marked blogs on the toolbar that runs across the top of my page (I'm on a PC desktop)
click the little down arrow beside 'blogs' and start with 'your blog' - you can then 'post to your blog'.
The only disadvantage with blogs over threads and posts IMO is you'll get less feedback than you do with posts and threads..
No Dogma Please
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: SoCal
Posts: 2,562
Originally Posted by punwithkate 
I entered IOP the summer of 2016. I stayed sober for three months--setting a 90 day goal. I attended AA meetings although never committing enough to get a sponsor or do the steps. There were aspects of AA that I didn't like...one set of guidelines to help any alcoholic recover... I wanted more.
After 3 months I decided I was ready to drink again like I did when I was "normal."
We all know how that turned out.
Now, 2017, I am back in IOP and want to find meaning in my life without the bottle. Find something to look forward to besides a night on my couch with a full bottle of wine. It's difficult to imagine something else that could bring me such joy. And that statement, I know, is pathetic.
I want freedom. I want my mind to look forward to companionship over isolation, sanity over chaos, life over numbness.
I am weak on my own. Please give me strength.
After 3 months I decided I was ready to drink again like I did when I was "normal."
We all know how that turned out.
Now, 2017, I am back in IOP and want to find meaning in my life without the bottle. Find something to look forward to besides a night on my couch with a full bottle of wine. It's difficult to imagine something else that could bring me such joy. And that statement, I know, is pathetic.
I want freedom. I want my mind to look forward to companionship over isolation, sanity over chaos, life over numbness.
I am weak on my own. Please give me strength.
The cognitive group therapy I did in dual diagnosis IOP a few months ago was life-changing, in so many ways including addiction.
Rehab was 12 Step based and a great start. I find the two approaches are very complimentary. Don't knock 12 Step, it gives you a community if nothing else.
You ARE strong!!! You're trying sobriety a second time. No judging, no shaming, you got back on the horse. You've learned a very powerful lesson...there's no such thing as a drink or two for you, as is true for most of us.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 166
"I want to find meaning in my life without the bottle. Find something to look forward to besides a night on my couch with a full bottle of wine."
That right there is the crux of it for me. Digging myself out of that place where my expectations of life had fallen so far that wine (with a generous helping of vodka on the side) and a comfy chair were the be all end all of pleasurable pursuits. We can see now how pathetic that pattern becomes.
That right there is the crux of it for me. Digging myself out of that place where my expectations of life had fallen so far that wine (with a generous helping of vodka on the side) and a comfy chair were the be all end all of pleasurable pursuits. We can see now how pathetic that pattern becomes.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 2,393
Glad you posted. So real. I relate to your story, and I sure won’t be the last to tell you that.
This community clicked for me here on SR when I found couple of long-running or recurring threads where people were kind of hanging out, with a mix of newbie through a few years sober, talking about their lives and always ready ( within time zone reason ) with perspective, encouragement, and wisdom. And so much experience in getting and staying sober.
For weeks and weeks I read virtual REAMS of SR stories, stickies, threads—all through the Newcomers, Alcoholism, 12-Step, and Secular headers. In Newcomers especially, I noticed a few threads that stayed active, and I needed the company, so I hung out in those and got to feel comfortable. SR has saved my bacon, and that is no exaggeration.
Welcome to this family.
This community clicked for me here on SR when I found couple of long-running or recurring threads where people were kind of hanging out, with a mix of newbie through a few years sober, talking about their lives and always ready ( within time zone reason ) with perspective, encouragement, and wisdom. And so much experience in getting and staying sober.
For weeks and weeks I read virtual REAMS of SR stories, stickies, threads—all through the Newcomers, Alcoholism, 12-Step, and Secular headers. In Newcomers especially, I noticed a few threads that stayed active, and I needed the company, so I hung out in those and got to feel comfortable. SR has saved my bacon, and that is no exaggeration.
Welcome to this family.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
On your own you were strong enough to reach out for help.
That's a strength many struggle with in and of itself, so you're well on your way.
Your sober life will be far and away better than your drinking life could ever hope for.
Welcome.
That's a strength many struggle with in and of itself, so you're well on your way.
Your sober life will be far and away better than your drinking life could ever hope for.
Welcome.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 5
First day I really want to give up..
The first 12 days were cake. Seriously. So cake I didn’t even fill my cravings with cake.
And now I come from a bad work meeting where it just seems like mean girls just grow into mean women .. and I want to cry then drink. Then drink and cry. Another’s craving for conflict is my craving for oblivion.
And now I come from a bad work meeting where it just seems like mean girls just grow into mean women .. and I want to cry then drink. Then drink and cry. Another’s craving for conflict is my craving for oblivion.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Portland maine
Posts: 1,330
I understand completely the mean girl to woman nightmare. A drink will do nothing, but make you sadder. I drank at the mean gals in my life for years and all it got me was misery. They didn't suffer at all. Stay on the path of sobriety. Even at the job I have now there are a couple of mean women. I just smile and say nothing. We're better then what they say or do!
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