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Old 12-09-2017, 11:44 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Mera, you are such a lovely soul.

You provide such wisdom and kindness to so many here.

I agree with those suggesting that you cancel the party. You are already stressed and the stress usually only builds as the time approaches.
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Old 12-09-2017, 11:55 AM
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The holiday season is always rough, Mera. Please be gentle with yourself. I appreciate the wisdom you show in your posts. You are correct that you could go out and drink at any time, that it's not just the trigger of a party. I know that feeling well. I could go get some beers and drink right now and no one would know--but me. I don't want to let myself down. In two weeks I will have two years of sobriety and that is so much more important to me than a fleeting bit of relief that will swiftly lead to utter guilt and depression afterwards. I've been there too often and it is the worst feeling. Wishing you lots of strength and peace.
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Old 12-09-2017, 04:42 PM
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I think you should put dating on the backburner for a while Mera

D
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Old 12-10-2017, 12:34 AM
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Geez Dee, am I that bad?!?!? It must be oozing out of every pore.....

Nah, I know what you mean. And I agree. But it is hard to fight against those feelings of loneliness, desire for companionship, feelings of being noticed, found attractive, desired.

Anyway, he is definitely married (he told me!) and he definitely has particular interests that don't involve a friendly cup of coffee.


But he can get in line because I am drowning in such attractive offers. In addition to the ones that are longstanding offers from some time, just last night the man who came to clean out my septic tank sent me random messages at 2 and 3 in the morning. Then around 4 in the morning this married guy sends a message. Do these people sleep?????
How rude to message someone in the middle of the night if you do not know them. I sent the married man the "boiling bunny" scene from Fatal Attraction. I hope he will get the picture now....

Basically the type of man I attract is one who wants only one thing from me and nothing else. I cannot blame this on men in general or the rest of the human race. The one constant in all of these disrespectful offers of random sex is me. So I must try to figure out what I am doing, how I am acting, what kind of vibe I am giving off that gives people the impression that this is what I want. It is hurtful and depressing. I feel like I am such a nice, normal person, but evidently there is something going on that I haven't figured out yet.


Anyway, thank you everyone for your support. I am really sorry about this annoying, whiny turn this post took but I am just over it. I really don't expect much, but a little respect would be nice.
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Old 12-10-2017, 01:13 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Hi Mera, hang in there! You have been such an inspiration to others, myself included. You have been so honest and you write so well that people can really relate to your situation and struggle with alcohol. My thoughts are that you have to be quite tough with yourself and treat your sobriety as a higher priority than a potential relationship with a new person. Also, from a male perspective, a Monday morning request for a date is a bit on the weird side, unless of course it's one of the only non-work times that the guy has available? Generally speaking, the situation could become pretty stressful.. a married man? I'm sure there will be some folks (women) on here who can provide better advice than me on how to navigate this (man).
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Old 12-10-2017, 01:20 AM
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I'm g;lad I didn't really offend you - honestly, nothing could have been further from my mind

I just know it took me a long time to get away from being addicted to people, or addicted to being in love.

It was the same neediness, the same escape, the same thoughts that this will
fix me, the same drive to find some kind of bliss, however short lived and whatever the cost.

I'm glad I had some time to myself - I was terrified to be alone with only myself for company - but it got used to it.

It gave me the chance to see that I wasn't that bad a person and I was perfectly able to give myself all the emotional nourishment I needed.

I'd recommend a little time alone to anyone reading this, if you're single and your relationship history is a little spotty

It was a great growth experience for me.

D
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Old 12-10-2017, 01:30 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Thank you very much, really it means a lot that you would say such a nice thing and take the time to post.

For now I really am going to wipe dating off the table. I don't care if jesus himself comes down from the heavens and promises me all the happiness in the world. It is just not smart for me right now. That said, i can't help but being hurt and confused as to why this happens. I am not morally loose, but I am morally free, live and let live and I do enjoy a good time myself. However, I dress pretty conservatively, I feel like I carry myself in a dignified way, I am friendly and approachable but not overly flirty... I really don't get it. I just wish that someone would see me and think about the variety of other things I have to offer and maybe ask me to dinner or for a walk or a cup of cofeee... but no, I only get offers for mid-day meetings where I can give away my body and then spend the rest of the day alone. Nice, eh.
It may very well come down to cultural differences. Americans do smile a lot more. I can be very friendly and open even with people I don't know very well. It might be that people take that as an invitation when in reality I was just trying to be warm and nice, nothing more.

ugh Enough, I've banged on about this for enough time now, I am starting to get overly upset about it. I am going to get the kids dressed and get out to do something.
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Old 12-10-2017, 06:27 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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I'm getting through the day, feeling a little bit better but anxious for tomorrow to arrive when I can call my doctor and ask about my medication. I don't like feeling so down.

For now I am going ahead with the party. I have already prepared a lot of food for it, It is frozen in bulk so would be hard to consume without a big group. I have made and wrapped 50 cd's that I'll give as a little gift. I'm actually pretty prepared.
I need to my remember my "Cindy Crawford's mole" tactic for times like these. It sounds pretty out there, but I think over how Cindy Crawford was noticed as such a beauty and a standout for the very thing that was deemed an imperfection, her mole. I use that to remind myself that being technically perfect is not the end-all be-all and that often a slight imperfection can even enhance the beauty or attractiveness of something. So I won't obsess about my house being spotless or every last plate of food being magazine photo worthy, it doesn't have to be perfect. And often, the slight bit of disorder or imperfection is actually charming and makes things relatable. My ex-boyfriend used to say that although I was a great host I even made people uncomfortable because it was all so thought out, planned and perfect. People felt bad relaxing and enjoying themselves when I was running all over the place trying to keep every last bit of everything under constant, perfect control. If a tea light burnt out, there I was with a new one, if a dish got messy I ran off to the kitchen to clean it up and re-present it.
I'm very well prepared and I really want to try to do this in a relaxing way so that everyone has fun and feels relaxed, including myself.
If however I find myself getting too worked up about things I'll call it off, but it will be a more last minute decision.
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Old 12-10-2017, 09:47 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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It has been a rough past few hours but I held firm and got through it and amazingly it has seemed to pass. I was nearly convinced I was going to drink the desire was so strong but I pushed through the discomfort and feel that I am safely on the other side of it. I haven't exercised in about four days, that is never good for me. I must make time for that tomorrow. It is atrocious here, just pouring rain or otherwise I would have tried for a walk with my music which always calms me.
I do feel better now, but to be safe I am going to have a bath with music and then go to bed very early. I need to stay away from my dreary head right now. I feel crazier and crazier every day and am just so beat down by the fight. I feel like I have so much to offer if I could just be emotionally healthy and solidly sober but right now life is just a constant battle of survival. Nothing to do but to keep on at it though. I have to keep the faith that someday all this hard work will pay off and I'll make it through the fields of gold or whatever that mysterious place of true joy and peace looks like...
Night friends, thanks again for the support, it was/is much needed and really has made a difference.
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Old 12-10-2017, 12:36 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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It's me again, I had my bath and am in bed reading, I can't sleep but want to.
I really need some help with my plan guys. Really. I am just terrified by how I am feeling right now and I cannot fail, I do not want to go back there.
It's too late to go out, bars are closed, I have no alcohol in the house, so that was part of my old plan which has worked out for me.
I am so thankful that I pushed through and did something about my job situation, that really helped me today thinking about how much I value this job and do not want to go in hungover. So that worked.
I need to get regular exercise, I can't let that fall by the wayside.
I came on here.
I wrote my sponsor.
I did some AA work/reading.
I had some tea.

I am just feeling so overwhelmed by this and am so scared. I need to work harder, do something else. I can't go back to drinking, I just can't do it.
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Old 12-10-2017, 01:11 PM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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Mera, I'm sorry you are struggling so much and feeling stressed. I hope you can find some peace. I'm glad that you decided to keep no alcohol at home. I know for me, that lessened my stress level. And, I think the job is a good focus for you, as well as caring for your boys. Be kind to yourself, Mera!
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Old 12-10-2017, 04:11 PM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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All you need to do is get through the day sober Mera - it neednt always be graceful.

It seems to me like you're jumping ahead a lot and gettign overwhelmed.
What about staying in the day a little more?

Recovery doesn't mean never being stressed or scared or angry or overwhelmed - it means feeling all those things and staying sober anyway.

If the party is stressing you cancel it. If work is overwhelming, delegate.

If today was a bad one, remember that tomorrow or the day after probably won't be.

Everything will be ok in the end

If you think your plan needs more work these links are sill the best ones I know

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ery-plans.html (Psst...wanna know why I'm always recommending recovery plans?)
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Old 12-10-2017, 04:35 PM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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Hi Mera, please consider cancelling the party if you feel shaky at all. I am also having a bit of a tough time with the holidays. I had a party to attend Friday and i skipped it because my mood this past week hasnt been great.
Be really honest with yourself and what you need.
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Old 12-10-2017, 10:28 PM
  # 34 (permalink)  
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Just a quick check in before work. I am happy to be waking up sober and hangover free. I can't say whether or not today will be a better day, but I'll give it my best effort.
I have work and then after work I plan on going to karate, no matter how depressed or tired I feel. I always feel better once I go, even when I don't feel like going. I have to make exercise a priority.
I have my appointment with my psychologist tomorrow. I guess we have clicked but I don't feel this enormous draw towards her, but I'm doing it, each and every week even when I don't feel like it.
I'll call the psychiatrist today about the medication. I feel a little washy on that as I really don't get bed-ridden depressed. But the desire to stay in bed all day is there. I am still able to push myself up and out though. I'm not sure if that qualifies for an increased dose or not. I hate to just throw pills at every last thing, but I do appreciate what the medication has done for me so far, at a higher level of happiness. In any case, a phone call can't hurt.
Reading here helps. I'd like to find a new book, reading about recovery, psychology, these kinds of things really helps me. I get a lot out of the books I read.

So plan for today is put in my all at work, don't get distracted by anything or anyone. I won't open my messenger thing as these people are still messaging me despite me putting my foot down. I'll eat something good for lunch. I will go to karate tonight- even if I am tired, even if I don't feel like it, even if I just want to come home and go to bed, even if it is pouring rain and I have to jump through puddles in my kimono. When I get home at 20:30 I'll have a yogurt and a banana, then put on some music and have a tea in the bathtub. I will need to wash my hair after karate tonight too. That should put me into bed about 22.
Onwards!
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Old 12-11-2017, 04:56 AM
  # 35 (permalink)  
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Lunch time here but I am working through my lunch break so I can leave early. I got a hold of my psychiatrist and was able to get an appointment for this evening. Its been a tense day though. Right at 9 when I arrived the office phone rang and I responded. Someone was trying to find our office, I figured it was one of the drivers we were waiting to arrive for training. I explained they were quite near and stood up to look out the window to see if I could see them. I said oh, do you have a red car? and he laughed and said I do bella, come out and say hello! And then it clicked, it was the man Imet this weekend! I was shaking. I told him I am at work, do not come here or contact me again! and hung up. I was so upset. About 12:30 I looked up and saw the same car in the parking lot. I thought I might throw up. My colleague went upstairs where she could have a better look and came and reported on his appearance. It was him. I checked my phone and sure enough he had sent messages inviting me to come out. My colleagues offered to go get one of the male trainers to send out to speak to him but I didnt want to create a big uproar in the office. I was humiliated. I also thought it was better if I put on a strong calm face and make things abundantly clear to him. So I took a few minutes, had some water and went out to speak to him. He wanted me to get in his car but I stood at the passenger door and told him I am not interested, I do not want him ever coming by my office again, ever coming by my house if he knows where it is, or ever messenging me again. I said if he comes by my work or my house I will call the police for my own safety andcomfort. I hope he got the message loud and clear, I really do not want to have to deal with the drama of taking this further, but I will if he forces my hand.
Anyway, on with my plan. Checking in here when I can, meeting with my psychiatrist, karate, bath, bed.
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Old 12-11-2017, 06:46 AM
  # 36 (permalink)  
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I wish you had not gone to talk to in person. It is exactly what he wanted and reinforced his perverse sense of power.

A message would have sufficed, saying in text print for posterity:
A. You have his name and auto descripion and tag.
B. You had made your rejection of him clear already.
C. You are filing him for stalker/harassment.

OH! ..... and dont drink !!!!
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Old 12-11-2017, 08:52 AM
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Sending you support Mera--he, or the party, are not worth your sobriety
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Old 12-11-2017, 11:16 AM
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So, you're looking for a new book These a few books by amazing women:

The Love Warrior by Glennon Doyle Melton - I can't recommend this book enough.

Drinking: A Love Story by Caroline Knapp - This is a classic.

Untied by Meredith Baxter

Drunk Mom by Jowita Bydlowska

Blackout by Sarah Hepola
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Old 12-11-2017, 11:28 AM
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Sending you strength and support. I too suffer with down periods and they can ne the hardest to weather. Just try to remind yourself how much worse it is when alcohol is then added to that mix. The AV fools us into thinking it will numb that anhedonia, or medicate the sadness, but in reality all it does is compound and exacerbate those emotions and create a cycle of despair and anxiety. Keep your head up and try to stay busy - read a great book, buy a cookbook and learn a new recipe, if you have a dog take him/her for a walk or call a friend you for a catch up. Hang in there - this will pass and you will be so happy to come out the other side.
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Old 12-11-2017, 12:24 PM
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Thanks everyone for your support. I did make it to karate tonight- just as I suspected I wasn't in the mood, but pushed myself anyway- I am so happy I did. I know this about myself so I really need to keep it a constant priority for my sobriety and general mental well being, exercise just helps me a lot.
I called and made an immediate appointment with my psychiatrist. I had a good moan to him which he didn't allow, told me to get it together, reminded me that I'm great and pushed me out the door with a new prescription which I promptly filled at the pharmacy. It was a bit harsh, but needed and I appreciate his style given my last attachment to my male doctor. No whiny sympathy needed, just the meds, I've got my psychologist tomorrow I can whine to. Although she is also more objective-approached, which is good, I tend to wallow a lot and throw many pity parties.

Bix, you are exactly right about what I should have done, hindsight is 20-20. at the time I was just so shocked and embarrassed that it was happening to me there at my new job. I didn't want to stir up any mess or risk him coming to the door or in the building. I also quickly, but thoroughly thought it through and my idea was that it would be a good idea to show him a calm, cool and collected face. I gave myself a few minutes to pull myself together and when I was sure I could go out and speak calmly but very firmly, with no wavering in my voice, no emotion and no sign of fear on my face I went out. I motioned for him to roll down the passenger window (I didn't want to get too close on the driver's side) He didn't budge, so I opened the door and with a very straight face I told him that he was not welcome at my work, at my home or in my life at all and to stop contacting me or trying to visit me. He started to speak and I simply said "no. I have made myself clear. Do not come here again or I will call the police" and then calmly closed the door and calmly walked back inside.
I don't fear for my safety. This could be sheer stupidity on my part or a healthy awareness of my physical strength and determination which I work hard at. Either way, i am not afraid for my personal safety, but I was afraid for my peace of mind. I want no part of any drama right now and the whole thing very obviously screams of drama.
I am just so frustrated, hurt and angry, mostly at myself, that I once again have misread someone so severely. I swear he seemed so mentally healthy and sane and just like a nice guy. Our conversation at the villa was interesting, intelligent, warm and friendly- nothing crossing any bounds. When he wrote saying he wanted to see me I was even happy because he seemed like a nice guy who would take things slow and be really respectful. Then came out that he is married, then came the hundreds of messages that he sent for hours on end despite the fact that I wasn't responding, then came the call and visits to my work.
I obviously have some severe issues reading people, choosing nice people to spend my time with, etc. This makes me feel afraid, crazy, worried for myself and like I should just hide away and never speak to anyone again.
I guess I just have to accept what has happened to me in the past that has caused this problem and distrust, and just accept it is going to take some time to heal and recover and get back to being able to relate to people in a normal, healthy way. It's hurtful and sad, I like to be around other people. But it is what it is. I do get some of my social needs met at work and at karate, so that is good.

I am so thankful though that I did not drink. I was really close and that was scary. I want to make sure I keep working so I can get through the next time, because I am sure there will be a next time. It is hard to go through these things sober, but even harder to go through them drunk.
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