Need encouragement. Were you unable to hide your negative emotions in early recovery?
 

I'm overwhelmed. I used to be able to fake it, or "grin and bear it," through a lot of BAD life situations. I mean bad as in BAD, such as going through cancer treatments at a young age, among other traumatic stuff. When drinking became really bad and especially after I stopped, my ability to remain composed when I'm frustrated is shot. I used to be good under pressure.

This is the main thing I need reassurance and info about: I used to tell people "I'm fine" when I wasn't and they couldn't tell otherwise but now they can SEE THROUGH ME it feels like. So I try to sound positive but it feels like they can tell I'm upset when they couldn't before. This is extremely confusing, especially since I'm doing so many things RIGHT, including staying dry, going to meetings, and working a recovery plan.

Has anyone had this experience or something similar? Where it feels like everyone can see through you, and see your thoughts/struggle?

I need help with this. Let me clarify I'm not saying I want to hide emotions from close friends and family. I'm referring to coworkers, customers, the general public - people that don't need or want to know can see it on my face no matter how hard I try to stay pleasant, friendly, etc.

HI Spoorts Fn - I find my emotions were all over the place and somewhat erratic for a while.
I was not know as a demonstrative person at all but I had a few crying jags in the early days and some emotional over reactions.

I think thats normal.

Its like I walled up my feelings for so long...and the the dam broke and everything came out in a flood for a while.

It found it very uncomfortable at the time but I look back now and think if the worst that happened is a few people saw me vulnerable then that was ok :)

D

I completely understand what you're saying. I guess the numbing effect of alcohol can present as being "even tempered," when it is really just...flatness, a void? I also notice that I am sensitive to things like noise...our senses coming back to life?

My temper is shorter and I stand up for myself a lot. It has shocked some people. I grew up in a seen and not heard household, you aren't old enough to hold opinions, which when you are then an adult, is totally overwhelming.
I found out being a mouse is a breeding ground for my insecurities. Someties I go a little too far am a bit too quick, but I am learning and I am getting better at thinking before I speak :)
I have always been a people pleaser, afraid to rock the boat, yesterday a customer of my client's got really abusive on the phone. I simply told him, he doesn't get to speak to me that way, I don't appreciate him swearing and he need not call back ever again. It was really empowering, I told my client, I think he was actually happy, I have always deferred upset customers to him. Now I am more confident, I have an MBA from the top business school in the country, own three companies and have been an adviser on more political campaigns than I can count. I am a great mom, occasionally good wife... Nobody gets to talk to me in any manner that I don't appreciate.
Getting to this point, it was not easy LOL It was painful and I am sure that pain manifested in ways that made me an emotional mess.

This is incredible. You've come such a long way. Very inspiring!!