4thegirls

Im a single mom of 49. I've been drinking all day, every day since 2002. Every day I swear I won't start in, but by noon I'm off to "lunch" as a "break" from my work at home. I'm not present for anyone anymore. My younger daughter is home schooled and desperately needs help and direction that I can't give her. My mom has been in the hospital for four days and I still haven't gone to see her. She and my brother made decisions behind my back which I discovered recently and can't yet forgive. I've gained 70 pounds from drink the past three years. I rarely leave my house except to go drink or get drink. My ex husband constantly attacks me. He is the reason I started drinking. Ironically, I started when I found out he was an alcoholic. My dad was an alcoholic and I swore I'd never marry one. I found out I did when I was pregnant with our second child. He became violent, verbally abusive and distant. I couldn't believe it. I was in Hell with him for 10 years and finally left after he lost his job then went to prison trying to kill a man I had started dating during our separation. That was more than a decade ago. Now he's sober and lords it over me, calling me fat irresponsible and a drunk. It makes me enraged. He is not really sober. He goes to 2 meetings a day and hasn't drank in 6 years but he's not sober. He blames every one for everything, rages, has no boundaries and doesn't work. He's homeless and sleeps on a warehouse floor. He's taken to caring for my mother, who has been cruel to me my whole life so now he's the darling of the family while I hole up in my apartment and do the work 12 hours a day and drink, just trying to keep the family business going and support our daughters. I was in a horribly abusive relationship after my marriage which I am finally trying to confront with a lawsuit against my abuser, but finding an attorney is slow going. My daughters love me and are still very close to me but are terrified I'm going to die, which I fear I am. I have tried and tried and tried to quit. Tried to go out and walk. Tried to start hobbies. Tried to go to AA. I quit for a year several years ago and was healthy and happy. Then started again because of an unhealthy relationship. And here I am. I drink a bottle of wine and a half pint of hard liquor every day, sometimes more. I desperately want to stop and be here for my daughters, now and for the years to come. I'm so sad and alone in my head. I feel trapped most of the time. I have started online counseling which is helpful but I can't seem to stop drinking. I am highly productive in some ways but feel just lost, tired, and in real danger of dying in a few months or years. I woulld like to be normal. To go for walks, meet friends for coffee, go to the library, take music lessons, go grocery shopping, read books that aren't about addiction, vounteer... normal things. Thanks for reading.

MrPL

Hi 4thegirls,

I am sorry for all the bad things that happened to you and I underatand how hard it must have been to cope.

But I also think the key step you might be missing in your recovery is acknowledging that you don’t drink because of your ex husband, ex partner or anything else.

End of the day this is a stand-alone choice you and all of us have made for ourselves, it is not the standard way of reacting to bad situations, it’s the way we alcoholics tend to do it.

But the good news is that since the choice was yours, stopping is also 100% in your hands. Not easy, not quick, but entirely up to you.

I am sure you will find a lot of help and kindness here, you can do this, one step at a time you’ll get there.

All the best.

Mr P

Erratic

Welcome hun, i really hope u stick with us here and hope it helps u to give up the crap of alcohol. You have done a yr before and im sure u can do it again x i have done a yr also many moons ago and i struggle also still, but this place is a great place to be and thanks for sharing your struggles in life x

look forward in seeing u around x

4thegirls

I'm ashamed to go back to AA after getting so fat. I know every one will be talking about me behind my back. Even though I live in a big city, many of the same people will be at whatever meeting I go to. I know they'll be happy to see me back but will also talk about my appearance. I remember people doing it about others. I know I need to get over myself but it's hard to let it go.

ChloeRose63

You go to meetings for support. You need to start reaching out for help to get into a better life situation. It is your health that matters now not what you think other people MIGHT be thinkng. Please get back to aa meeting. They are not there to judge you. They are a support group.

4thegirls

I am going to go tomorrow. I'm goingbto just do it.

ChloeRose63

Good decision!
What are you going to do today? Do you have a plan?

4thegirls

Right now I'm going to go back to sleep lol. Then get up and pray, have breakfast, work for awhile, then go visit my mom in the hospital, come home for my online counseling session, go shopping with my daughter for groceries, then go to a meeting at 430, then cook dinner for my daughter. Maybe go for a walk after with her for ice cream or hot chocolate.

AAPJ

4TG - Welcome. Since you have already received some great thoughts from others here I am limiting my response to this concern you raised about AA.

I know every one will be talking about me behind my back.

As someone who has been regularly attending AA meetings for over two years I had similar concerns when I returned to the rooms of AA. I am a relapser/retread too. But what I figured out was that in the end most of the folks I met at AA meetings were more concerned about their own problems.

I realized that I am not that important to the rest of the world.

Also since talking behind ones back is considered negative behavior in AA, the more experienced folks who had a good 12 step program discouraged such behavior. I'm not suggesting that zero people will talk about you behind your back ever, but I would be surprised if it happened much for any period of time.


I hope you find peace and recovery.

shauninspain

You have quite a few good things going for you.

1. You have not lost the love and affection of your daughters, which is a huge blessing.
2. You have a house in which to live.
3. You have a business, so a means to make money.
4. You have recognized that you need to change you ways.
5. More importantly you want to change your ways.
6. You're in a big city, so are surrounded by support groups, counseling and AA.
7. You are no longer in an abusive relationship.
8. You have a desire to do normal things such as learning an instrument and volunteer etc.
9. You have not, yet, suffered permanent physical damage.
10. You haven't, yet, suffered permanent mental damage.
11. You have managed to be sober in the past, so know it is possible.
12. You have a good reason to stop. To keep your family together.

So all in all, you have a very good foundation on which to build a strong and lasting recovery.

I know that I drank because of a multitude of external reasons. Some of which I figured were very justified. Maybe they were. However, at the end of the day I had to decide if I wanted peoples actions (some decades old) to dictate how I lived in the here and now. In fact they weren't dictating how I lived, rather how I would die. I eventually decided that their power over me had become obsessional, thoroughly toxic and way past dangerous.

Sending you my best wishes. X

doggonecarl

This bears repeating. There is something positive that you can build on. But it requires action and commitment.

Alcoholism is more than drinking, and recovery is more than putting the drink down.

4thegirls

Wow, Shauninspain,. When you look at the positives it is very stabilizing. When I look at that list I seem pretty together, though I feel like a total mess. I'm going to a screen shot that list and put it on my phone's home page so I remember that it's not too late by far and that yes, I do have so much going for me.

4thegirls

AAPJ

So true. I'm thinking now of all the nice old timers who were so encouraging. My ex always tells me they send greetings even now and I know several hope I come back. But in the end people are concerned about their own survival and own issues, yes. And I need to realize my relapse is much more important to my children than to people in AA. As is my recovery.

ChloeRose63

You sound like you are on your way towards recovery! Keep that positive attitude going. It gets better and better every day! Stay strong and love yourself so you can become that great mom to your girls! ♡ya

Bobbieka

I almost felt like I was ready my history a little bit. I am now 51. I have 4 children. I came to SR when I was 49, had been a daily drinker for about 10 years. Was in despair and had no idea how to quit.

Now I am a year and a half sober. Down 30 pounds, ran 2 half marathons last year - and have rebuilt many relationships. I will say, in addition to this site, AA has become a staple in my life. I have made some great friends there, and I can honestly say, any judging I believed was going on was all in my head.

You can do this. Don't drink today. Come up with a plan. You really can do this.

Anna

I truly feel your pain and I understand the overwhelming emotions, having experienced much the same thing myself.

We have a list of various recovery programs and tips and ideas that worked for our members. It might be helpful:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html