I am so sick of myself
 

I don’t know what to write here any longer. I have tried to quit and make it stick so many times
I no longer try to keep track. Most recent sober time was 29 days and I drank on December 1.
Now I can’t seem to find the off switch.
I am so ashamed to even post on here anymore. I should be able to do this. But I keep failing.
I am so sick of myself I can’t even describe the shame and disgust I feel for myself.

asixstringnut

Hey Sixstring: come on back to our November thread! We all know what it is like to "slip". Congrats on being back and trying again.
You will find the way forward!!
and there surely is no reason to be ashamed or embarrassed: it is not YOU--it is that alcohol is an addictive carcinogenic poison. We all struggle with this.
BTW, I'd be big time proud of the 29 days!! Means that of the last 34 days you were sober at least 29!! Wow!! That's a lot better than many of us!!!!

BTW again: I am confident that if you can get 29 days, you will be able to get 29 weeks, then 29 months, then 29 years!!!

I tried and failed so many times I almost lost hope. But I kept trying until I 'got it'. After being a chronic relapser, I will be 8 yrs sober on Friday. :)

Don't give up. Keep trying til you get it. :hug:

Axis, I understand the shame and disgust you are feeling, and I know that you can get past it. These feelings are part of the disease of alcoholism and how it keeps you hooked. I know you can step out of the despair and begin to recover.

Sixstring, I am just glad you came back and posted. If you are here, there is hope. Never forget that.

Think about what worked for you during those 29 days. And go back to doing those things. Then, think about what was going on when you decided to drink again. And figure out what to do differently to ensure it doesn't happen again.

We learn from our failures. That is how we ultimately succeed.

Please don't stop fighting. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get back to living again.

We are pulling for you. :grouphug:

I took a quick glance at your prior posts and I don't see where you are doing anything besides "not drinking" as your plan. While "abstinence" is the foundation for sobriety, it doesn't prepare us to live a sober life. Recovery does.

If you aren't doing anything recovery related, that could explain your repeated relapses. Don't you think it's time to do what you've been hesitant or afraid of trying?

I should be able to do this

maybe its time to accept you cant do it alone?
maybe its time to accept youre going to need help- help thats more than SR?
maybe its time to look into rehab?
maybe its time to be willing to go to ANY lenghts for victory over alcohol?
maybe its time to surrender?

Hi Six

if you're sick of who you are the only real solution is to embrace change.

I dunno what methods you've tried in the past - whether you're a lone wolf or an AAer or what but I'd write up a bit of a spread sheet of all the possible avenues of support open to you - SR, other forums, Dr, counsellor, inpatient/outpatient rehab ...whatever.

Don't dismiss anything out of hand.

I believe that, with the right effort, everyone can get sober...but we have to believe we're worth fighting for first.

If you're struggling with that, then I'd definitely bring in all the reinforcements you can ASAP.

D

Hi,

I have also been in your spot..many times. I was almost there this weekend! I was 3 weeks dry on Friday, and when Saturday afternoon came around my AV was whining, planning, arguing, and then screaming at me. I went to 4 different grocery stores, I kept adding food to my cart and walking by the booze isle...contemplating....thinking.....wanting to drink. I spent the entire afternoon grocery shopping, I kept going to different stores and kept going back to the booze isles, and adding more food to the cart. After store #4, I took my carload of groceries and went home. I logged into SR and read through some of the horrific Day 1's, and the bad memories came flooding back. I still wanted to drink, but there was no way I was going back to yet another store! Thank god some ice cream made it's way in the food cart. I was uncomfortable, but forced myself to stay put and stay sober.

I'm sorry you are facing this again, don't be ashamed. I was only 1 store away from relapsing as well. Try again, and again, and again.

:c011:

"I am so sick of myself "

But that's not your (true) self you're sick of.

It's your drunken self you're sick of.

Try and (re)find your true self.

It's still there, waiting.

Hoping.

I agree with carl you need to have a solid sobriety plan in place. Just winging it rarely works as you've found out.
I'd start hitting daily AA meetings, perhaps seek out an addiction counselor, or possibly look into rehab.

I’ve relapsed so many times I’ve lost count. I’ve smashed things and yelled at myself so many times for being a piece of s#$t failure. The ONE main thing I realized I wasn’t doing is asking for help and connecting in real time with other alcoholics. It’s made all the difference. Today is Day 40.

If you want to live, don’t give up.

I too have relapsed SOOO many times!! Disgusted with myself, hating myself beyond belief! 29 days is GREAT! Reign this back in before the days become weeks, months then years. You can do this six and we’re all behind you!

Thank you for posting and keeping it real! Too many times, I did not post because I was too ashamed and embarrassed to come crawling back to SR. So I went it alone and it sucks trying to get through detox and regain sobriety alone. You’re not alone. This alcoholism crap isn’t for sissy’s! ;-). Keep posting and tomorrow sounds like a GREAT day for day 1, you’ll be back on track before the holidays.

Hi Six,

I'm so glad you are here and posting. I think I have shared with you before that I have had more day ones than I can count, but I am Less than four weeks away from two years sober due to the fact that I finally sat down and actually wrote out a recovery plan.

• Post here daily
• Journal
• Read and learn from recovery books
• Exercise, especially getting outdoors for a walk
• Mindfulness (lots of good apps and you tube videos)
• Drinking is not an option

The beginning was tough, truthfully, it sucked. Then it gradually got easier, and even when dealing with some very stressful family and work situations I knew alcohol would only make them worse, if I drank it would be a temporary numbness, and the issues would still be there. I made lots of changes to just be healthier all around, and life is much better, and much more manageable now.

Please know that you can do this. Look to get help beyond this site, it is actually one of the strongest things you can do, admit you need some help. We all do.

I am posting some of the links that have been most helpful to me. I hope to see you in the 24 hour thread.

❤️Delilah

I forgot the links, here they are:

December Class 2017
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ad-pt-1-a.html

Link about Recovery Plans
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ery-plans.html

24 Hour Thread
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...art-321-a.html

What is a Recovery Plan
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...very-plan.html

Holiday Survival Guide
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ers-2-0-a.html

I've been trying to quit for 10 years, never to achieve more than 5 months sobriety, which was my longest period just recently, until I slipped again. I know the shame. But the only losers are the ones who don't get back up, dust themselves off and try again. You got this - and you're not alone. It's not easy. One foot in front of the other, we can do this.

Please don’t leave. Don’t give up. I am on day 4 and need people like you. Like us. Hope you’re rethinking things and doing ok.

I don't know what methods you've tried before, so I'm aware this might not apply to you at all, but we've all heard the expression "nothing changes if nothing changes". If the difference you try to make each time you start Day 1 again is just "this time I'll try harder", the odds are sadly pretty good that the same thing will happen again. Especially if those feelings of shame and guilt you describe are familiar ones from long before you started trying to quit drinking.

One of the things I've learned about myself over the last couple of years is how many decisions I've made without realising I'd made them. Including ones that made my life worse. Like going on a binge despite knowing how much damage it did to my life. I now believe I actually did it because of the damage it did to my life. It was horribly painful, but that pain was familiar, it's what I expected, possibly what I felt deep down I deserved. That was probably one reason I took 35 years before trying to stop. And I suspect something like this can be a reason others might rule out trying the approaches that really could put an end to our drinking. Like therapy, or rehab, or AA or SMART meetings, or any number of other approaches. We can convince ourselves we're trying to change, without actually taking the steps necessary to change.

I've gone on a pretty intensive therapeutic journey, which I started after quitting, which has helped me understand my past actions much, much better. And I have found a much, much better way to live now. Been 2 1/2 years sober now, and wouldn't trade my new life for anything in the world.

when I stopped trying to stop and started to start instead, things changed for me.

Turning "I've GOT TO QUIT" into "I WANT SOBRIETY" was a turning point for my 'sick of myself' story.

Maybe that would help for you, too.

It seems like a small, subtle difference - but in actuality it's a tremendous change of perspective.

:grouphug:

Excellent insight, FreeOwl.