Talking to my boyfriends sponsor
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 12
Talking to my boyfriends sponsor
Hello,
My boyfriend tells me he is sober, but I have seen him a few time in the morning staggering and slurring his words. And sometimes he can't remember what is says. I have asked for his sponsors phone number and he won't give it to me. He tells me he goes to AA meetings with this sponsor but he doesn't remember telling me he make yet another excuse why he didn't go.
Is it okay for me to talk to his sponsor? I want to go to the meeting he tells me he goes to and see if there is a man with this name. Or do I just brake up with him because I have been though this before. Can loved on talk to the addicts sponsor?
My boyfriend tells me he is sober, but I have seen him a few time in the morning staggering and slurring his words. And sometimes he can't remember what is says. I have asked for his sponsors phone number and he won't give it to me. He tells me he goes to AA meetings with this sponsor but he doesn't remember telling me he make yet another excuse why he didn't go.
Is it okay for me to talk to his sponsor? I want to go to the meeting he tells me he goes to and see if there is a man with this name. Or do I just brake up with him because I have been though this before. Can loved on talk to the addicts sponsor?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
No, you don't talk to his sponsor.
I suggest going to an Al Anon meeting and getting your own sponsor.
I guess if you feel like he isn't really going to meetings or doesn't actually have a sponsor that's just something you'll have to come to terms with. His recovery is his business, and yours is yours. I would guess that at some point if there really is a sponsor you'll meet him at some AA social thing; but it's up to him - and it's not so you can check on him.
Sounds sketchy, though? Is that what you think, that he's not going?
I suggest going to an Al Anon meeting and getting your own sponsor.
I guess if you feel like he isn't really going to meetings or doesn't actually have a sponsor that's just something you'll have to come to terms with. His recovery is his business, and yours is yours. I would guess that at some point if there really is a sponsor you'll meet him at some AA social thing; but it's up to him - and it's not so you can check on him.
Sounds sketchy, though? Is that what you think, that he's not going?
DOS: 08-16-2012
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Central Iowa
Posts: 365
It sounds like you are all out of trust and tired of the lies. If you can't trust and believe someone than why would you want to build a life with them?
As far as the sponsor goes, if he has a good sponsor they won't share much of anything with you anyway. They should listen to you but that should be about it. A sponsor/sponsee relationship is based off respect and trust for each other. If your boyfriend's sponsor were to share information with you that he was told in confidence than that relationship would be ruined.
My last weekend of drinking was really bad. I have no memory of it but my family checked on me and they were so upset they took my phone and called my sponsor. He told them that the only advice he can tell them is that no matter how much they love me, it won't fix me and it won't make me stop. Only I have the power to stop and that won't happen until I experience enough misery that I will be willing to go to any lengths to feel better. He also told them to attend Al-Anon and if they are worried about my immediate health to call an ambulance. Otherwise he said all they can do is go home, say a prayer for me, and get on with their lives. Sounds tough but it's true. I stopped drinking 3 days later and have been sober for over 5 years. My family told me some of what happened and that humiliation and misery was enough to make me want to change. I hope your boyfriend finds that same misery so he can change his life.
As far as the sponsor goes, if he has a good sponsor they won't share much of anything with you anyway. They should listen to you but that should be about it. A sponsor/sponsee relationship is based off respect and trust for each other. If your boyfriend's sponsor were to share information with you that he was told in confidence than that relationship would be ruined.
My last weekend of drinking was really bad. I have no memory of it but my family checked on me and they were so upset they took my phone and called my sponsor. He told them that the only advice he can tell them is that no matter how much they love me, it won't fix me and it won't make me stop. Only I have the power to stop and that won't happen until I experience enough misery that I will be willing to go to any lengths to feel better. He also told them to attend Al-Anon and if they are worried about my immediate health to call an ambulance. Otherwise he said all they can do is go home, say a prayer for me, and get on with their lives. Sounds tough but it's true. I stopped drinking 3 days later and have been sober for over 5 years. My family told me some of what happened and that humiliation and misery was enough to make me want to change. I hope your boyfriend finds that same misery so he can change his life.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
According to our Big Book, the sponsor should be known to you. " If there is any indication that he wants to stop, have a good talk with the person most interested in him, usually his wife. Get an idea of his behaviour, his problems, his background, the seriousness of his condition, and his religious leanings" You need this information to put yourself in his place, to see how you would like him to approach you if the tables were turned."
The book suggests maintaining contact with the sponsor even when he is drinking because there will be lucid moments from time to time where your boyfriend may be open to getting help, usually after a bender.
Sponsors are not supermen, neither do they have special divining powers. Good sponsors keep an eye on their sponsees through a variety of sources. Like the talk with the wife, background info can help the sponsor figure out how best to approach the subject.
Keeping the sponsor out of the loop is just another form of enabling or denial.
On the other hand, a sponsor would not be willing to disclose any informtaion given in confidence. 'Another principle we observe carefully is that we do not relate the intimate experiences of another unless we are sure he would approve."
I would say overall that you can work with a sponsor to help the subject by filling in background that will help, but that relationship is not to be used for gaining information for any other purpose. Your own peace of mind would be better served through something like Alanon.
The book suggests maintaining contact with the sponsor even when he is drinking because there will be lucid moments from time to time where your boyfriend may be open to getting help, usually after a bender.
Sponsors are not supermen, neither do they have special divining powers. Good sponsors keep an eye on their sponsees through a variety of sources. Like the talk with the wife, background info can help the sponsor figure out how best to approach the subject.
Keeping the sponsor out of the loop is just another form of enabling or denial.
On the other hand, a sponsor would not be willing to disclose any informtaion given in confidence. 'Another principle we observe carefully is that we do not relate the intimate experiences of another unless we are sure he would approve."
I would say overall that you can work with a sponsor to help the subject by filling in background that will help, but that relationship is not to be used for gaining information for any other purpose. Your own peace of mind would be better served through something like Alanon.
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
In today's climate of the rooms my experience is that sponsors are more typically people who have done the steps and are willing to show others how they were taught. They are not a baby sitter nor do they report back to anyone on their sponsee's progress. Someone mentioned Al-Anon, that is a good suggestion for any loved ones including a boyfriend.
The book of Alcoholics Anonymous mentions this; "Perhaps you will want to take the man into your home for a few days. But be sure you use discretion. Be certain he will be welcomed by your family, and that he is not trying to impose upon you for money, connections, or shelter."
I know of no one who has done this.......especially with a family at home.
The book of Alcoholics Anonymous mentions this; "Perhaps you will want to take the man into your home for a few days. But be sure you use discretion. Be certain he will be welcomed by your family, and that he is not trying to impose upon you for money, connections, or shelter."
I know of no one who has done this.......especially with a family at home.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Hi. Sorry for what brings you here, but I'm so glad you found us. What a pickle!
I also would suggest AlAnon for yourself. Also our 'friends and family of alcoholics' area would be a useful place for you to read around. https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
I'd say that yourbinstinctbis likely to be right. However, I was a hot mess for the first month or so. Washing-machine head like you wouldn't believe for a while when I thought I must be losing the plot, I felt so disorientated, tired and out-of-things (out of my normal I suppose, and exausted). Thing is, you say you've been through this with him before.
He's gonna do what he's gonna do. You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You can't cure it. You need to be responsible for your own happiness and security, and let him face the consequences of his choices. That can mean learning to make healthy boundaries initially. AlAnon could help with that, as could many of the folk over in the friends and family area who have been through what you're going through now. A boundary doesn't say what the other person should do. It says what you will do (for yourself) if x, y or z happens. And boundaries only work when we are willing so see them through consistently. That's hard sometimes.
Wishing you and your A all the best for your respective recoveries.
BB
I also would suggest AlAnon for yourself. Also our 'friends and family of alcoholics' area would be a useful place for you to read around. https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
I'd say that yourbinstinctbis likely to be right. However, I was a hot mess for the first month or so. Washing-machine head like you wouldn't believe for a while when I thought I must be losing the plot, I felt so disorientated, tired and out-of-things (out of my normal I suppose, and exausted). Thing is, you say you've been through this with him before.
He's gonna do what he's gonna do. You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You can't cure it. You need to be responsible for your own happiness and security, and let him face the consequences of his choices. That can mean learning to make healthy boundaries initially. AlAnon could help with that, as could many of the folk over in the friends and family area who have been through what you're going through now. A boundary doesn't say what the other person should do. It says what you will do (for yourself) if x, y or z happens. And boundaries only work when we are willing so see them through consistently. That's hard sometimes.
Wishing you and your A all the best for your respective recoveries.
BB
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
While I understand the 'meat' of what the BB says, I do not agree that a SO should be "included" to any great extent in the sponsor-sponsee relationship. In my case, and my husband's respectively, each of us have sponsors in our home group so we each know the others'. However, he is new to his sponsor relationship so I let him tell me about their talks, etc, as much as he wants to; I have been with my sponsor since I was about 5 mo sober (now 21) so the three of us have a close relationship. This is probably an unusual scenario.
I think trust and a lot of things sound like they are really the issue- AlAnon is a great suggestion. To me, your question about confirming the sponsor exists, etc, are like when my parents tried breathalyzing me regularly (I was living with them at the time)- it became a game of sorts with me always trying to beat it, or avoid it or proclaim its unfairness....
He's got to "do" all this himself.
Only you can decide if you want to proceed in what sounds like a hurtful relationship.
Take care.
I think trust and a lot of things sound like they are really the issue- AlAnon is a great suggestion. To me, your question about confirming the sponsor exists, etc, are like when my parents tried breathalyzing me regularly (I was living with them at the time)- it became a game of sorts with me always trying to beat it, or avoid it or proclaim its unfairness....
He's got to "do" all this himself.
Only you can decide if you want to proceed in what sounds like a hurtful relationship.
Take care.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Is it okay for me to talk to his sponsor?
with this:
because I have been though this before
whats the motive for talkin with the sponsor? seems ya already know whats going on.
with this:
because I have been though this before
whats the motive for talkin with the sponsor? seems ya already know whats going on.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 12
biminiblue
Yes, that's what I feel. That he's waits until I'm asleep and then drinks all night. He falls asleep in the afternoon at my apartment. I am no long staying at his place at night. Thank you for answer me. He's a nice man, but I don't drink at all and don't know how I got myself in the situation.
Yes, that's what I feel. That he's waits until I'm asleep and then drinks all night. He falls asleep in the afternoon at my apartment. I am no long staying at his place at night. Thank you for answer me. He's a nice man, but I don't drink at all and don't know how I got myself in the situation.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 12
My X husband has been sober for over 30 years so I'm not use to NOT knowing my boyfriends sponsor. My X husbands sponsor kind of became a part of our family so it's strange and different to NOT know his sponsor. Since I called him last night and called him on all the things he doesn't remember doing or saying I haven't heard from him. Should I call him? I am so confused at his point.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 12
Thank you August252015. He is playing games with me. I started feeling something was wrong when he wouldn't stay at my apartment overnight. I heard on excuse after another. He would also go for a walk when I was at his apartment and come back a totally different person. He of course couldn't see it, so I would leave. I am thinking I should never stay overnight again. I never know who I'm going to wake up to.
Pam
Pam
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by autumbrezzz 
... and don't know how I got myself in the situation.
not only that, but the problem probably wont happen again because youll be able to see it beforehand, know you deserve better, and wont allow it to happen again.
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