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Old 12-04-2017, 07:31 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Ex boyfriend dumped me for a woman who uses


Hi,
I'm lost. My long term partner of 7 years has ended our relationship to be with a woman I've been told uses drugs too.
He's addicted to cocaine, I do not use. He's so cold, cruel and uncaring now, I just don't understand. He's told me he still loves me and a load of other stuff. Said he wanted to get back together yet dropped me as soon as she got in touch with him.
Why would someone do this? Is addiction really that strong that you'll give up the person you love to be with someone who will use with you? We've never lived together but been through so much.
Any thoughts appreciated.
Thank you.
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Old 12-04-2017, 07:35 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Is addiction really that strong that you'll give up the person you love to be with someone who will use with you? We've never lived together but been through so much.
Welcome to SR Sarah, and sorry to hear about what brings you here. Regarding your question above, the answer is yes - sometimes addiction is so strong that it will tear apart relationship - among other things.

I'm glad you've come here, we have a great community of those seeking and in recovery, and we also have a section of the site devoted to family and friends of addicts/alcoholics. You are always welcome here in the Newcomers section, but you could also find others who have been in your same situation in the family section.
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Old 12-04-2017, 07:50 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Welcome to SR Sarah, and sorry to hear about what brings you here. Regarding your question above, the answer is yes - sometimes addiction is so strong that it will tear apart relationship - among other things.

I'm glad you've come here, we have a great community of those seeking and in recovery, and we also have a section of the site devoted to family and friends of addicts/alcoholics. You are always welcome here in the Newcomers section, but you could also find others who have been in your same situation in the family section.
Thank you so much. I can understand tearing relationships apart, but for another woman?! I just can't fathom it. I never had issues in that respect with him. Thanks for the reply. I'm hoping I can learn a lot more here. Any further thoughts from anyone welcome. I'm in a serious state of depression here over it. It's like drugs are sending my life into a downward spiral and I do not use them. Seems so unfair.
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Old 12-04-2017, 07:54 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Thank you so much. I can understand tearing relationships apart, but for another woman?! I just can't fathom it. I never had issues in that respect with him. Thanks for the reply. I'm hoping I can learn a lot more here. Any further thoughts from anyone welcome. I'm in a serious state of depression here over it. It's like drugs are sending my life into a downward spiral and I do not use them. Seems so unfair.
Drugs and addiction are very powerful forces Sarah. In extreme cases people literally die because they choose their addiction over even their own lives. What's very important to remember is that while it's definitely unfair, none of it is your fault. And it's definitely a depressing thing....you'll find a lot of support here for that though.
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Old 12-04-2017, 08:02 AM   #5 (permalink)
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welcome sarah.
Why would someone do this?
i would do it because someone using is an easier relationship in my jacked up,insane thinking mind.

Is addiction really that strong that you'll give up the person you love to be with someone who will use with you?
and give up a whole lot more.

a question on this:
but been through so much.
is that "so much" all related to his addiction problems?

i suggest takin a visit to the friends and family of substance abusers and also the F&F of alcoholics sub forums here. lots of great experience,strength, and hope over there- people that have been in your shoes.
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Old 12-04-2017, 09:02 AM   #6 (permalink)
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welcome sarah.
Why would someone do this?
i would do it because someone using is an easier relationship in my jacked up,insane thinking mind.

Is addiction really that strong that you'll give up the person you love to be with someone who will use with you?
and give up a whole lot more.

a question on this:
but been through so much.
is that "so much" all related to his addiction problems?

i suggest takin a visit to the friends and family of substance abusers and also the F&F of alcoholics sub forums here. lots of great experience,strength, and hope over there- people that have been in your shoes.
Hi, thanks for the reply.

The 'so much' doesn't have anything to do with his addiction problems. There has been a lot happen with his kids and other family stuff, honestly it's off the scale drama, I can't even tell you about it. It's serious stuff. We were each others' rocks, but every so often, when we'd argue he'd go for days, weeks even with the silent treatment. I was so confused by it all.
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Old 12-04-2017, 09:03 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Drugs and addiction are very powerful forces Sarah. In extreme cases people literally die because they choose their addiction over even their own lives. What's very important to remember is that while it's definitely unfair, none of it is your fault. And it's definitely a depressing thing....you'll find a lot of support here for that though.
Thank you for your insight. Your words mean a lot.
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Old 12-04-2017, 09:16 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Hi, thanks for the reply.

The 'so much' doesn't have anything to do with his addiction problems. There has been a lot happen with his kids and other family stuff, honestly it's off the scale drama, I can't even tell you about it. It's serious stuff. We were each others' rocks, but every so often, when we'd argue he'd go for days, weeks even with the silent treatment. I was so confused by it all.
People who use drugs usually don't cope with crises well, and the drug is the escape. Then in time it becomes necessary for every day tasks. If he was doing the disappearing act/silent treatment, and you weren't living together, he already had a lot of time away to have a secret life.

I was married to a man with a secret life. Eventually I had to get out. It's better by far to just be away from that. I know you're in pain now and I understand how wrenching it is, but in time you may see this as a blessing. You've just dodged a bullet.

One day at a time. For me in the beginning sometimes it was one minute at a time. You're going to be okay.
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Old 12-04-2017, 10:22 AM   #9 (permalink)
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People who use drugs usually don't cope with crises well, and the drug is the escape. Then in time it becomes necessary for every day tasks. If he was doing the disappearing act/silent treatment, and you weren't living together, he already had a lot of time away to have a secret life.

I was married to a man with a secret life. Eventually I had to get out. It's better by far to just be away from that. I know you're in pain now and I understand how wrenching it is, but in time you may see this as a blessing. You've just dodged a bullet.

One day at a time. For me in the beginning sometimes it was one minute at a time. You're going to be okay.
Thank you.
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Old 12-04-2017, 10:32 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Please know that who she is has nothing to do with it. She makes it easier to get and take drugs. The end. He can call it true love but he knows nothing about that now.

I’m so sorry your going through this but you will ultimately be better off. I know that doesn’t help much now.

Sending you a hug.
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Old 12-04-2017, 11:02 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Welcome Sarah to SR,

Sucks to join a community under such a traumatic situation. SR is a great community of knowledgeable, caring people that want to help. You're going through a tough loss right now. We all cope differently but we need to go through some sort of grieving process. As hard as it is try to embrace this process and gain your individuality back and work on yourself. Do that yoga class or workshop or travel someplace that you've wanted but haven't. Try to be grateful and positive about all the good you have. This will help with the whole process.
Good luck and many prayers
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Old 12-04-2017, 11:13 AM   #12 (permalink)
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[QUOTE=Ariesagain;6696181]Please know that who she is has nothing to do with it. She makes it easier to get and take drugs. The end. He can call it true love but he knows nothing about that now.

Iím so sorry your going through this but you will ultimately be better off. I know that doesnít help much now.

I keep trying to tell myself it's just the drugs and I'm sure it is, but every so often I feel like a failure. I just couldn't fight for the relationship any more at the time we split. I was exhausted. He'd bled me dry of anything I had left in me, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Thank you for your reply.
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Old 12-04-2017, 11:15 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Welcome Sarah to SR,

Sucks to join a community under such a traumatic situation. SR is a great community of knowledgeable, caring people that want to help. You're going through a tough loss right now. We all cope differently but we need to go through some sort of grieving process. As hard as it is try to embrace this process and gain your individuality back and work on yourself. Do that yoga class or workshop or travel someplace that you've wanted but haven't. Try to be grateful and positive about all the good you have. This will help with the whole process.
Good luck and many prayers
Thank you so much
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Old 12-04-2017, 11:44 AM   #14 (permalink)
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I keep trying to tell myself it's just the drugs and I'm sure it is, but every so often I feel like a failure. I just couldn't fight for the relationship any more at the time we split. I was exhausted. He'd bled me dry of anything I had left in me, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Thank you for your reply.
Everyone has a breaking point I think, whether they are the addict themselves or a spouse/loved one/significant other. That's how i felt as an addict when I finally quit drinking too - I was simply exhausted of the pain that alcohol was causing me and those around me.

What's most important now though is taking care of yourself....even though you were not the addict in the relationship you need to heal.
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Old 12-04-2017, 11:54 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Sorry for the situation you are in. Addicts, sadly, will often move on to people who enable or facilitate their addiction.

Please be kind to yourself. Sending best wishes.
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Old 12-04-2017, 01:09 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Sorry for the situation you are in. Addicts, sadly, will often move on to people who enable or facilitate their addiction.

Please be kind to yourself. Sending best wishes.
This makes sense!! Thank you.
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Old 12-04-2017, 01:10 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Everyone has a breaking point I think, whether they are the addict themselves or a spouse/loved one/significant other. That's how i felt as an addict when I finally quit drinking too - I was simply exhausted of the pain that alcohol was causing me and those around me.

What's most important now though is taking care of yourself....even though you were not the addict in the relationship you need to heal.
Christmas will be a tough one but I have so many good people around me helping me to heal. Thank you.
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