Weird
 

Last night I had this weird anxiety rush through me. The thought I had that caused the anxiety was 'I can never drink again'.

Well, I know this. I have not often thought about the future and not drinking as I am sober one day at a time, and I have milestone goals, the current is 3 months, which is in 19 days. I don't often think of future dates, maybe once a week I will see how close I am to the next milestone.

Last night was the first time I had anxiety about not be able to drink, it was quick and I honestly thought about it for a few minutes just to ride the wave. I didn't like the feeling. I don't want to think that far in the future because I don't want to relapse.

That was share worthy.

I imagine at three months sober I wasn't prepared for the "finality" of never drinking again either. In fact, the thoughts leading up to my first relapse were, "Did I really vow to quit forever? Or just until I felt better?"

However, in the course of my recovery work I both realized and accepted never drinking again. Ever. It was like a great weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I was never going to drink again. I didn't have to worry about the future and possibly drinking, or worry that drinking somehow loomed in my future. It didn't. I don't drink. Period.

But I can only achieve "forever" one day at a time. So that approach work too.

Congrats on your sober time!

This is my biggest fear...today is Day 15 for me and I tell myself I am not drinking right now to better my health and let my body heal from the damage I have done the past few years (luckily- nothing too serious, but serious enough to stop drinking)

The fear of not having a beer on vacation in March when my family goes to Florida makes me sweat....

Congrats on day 15 :c011: that is so great!

I have thought about planning a vacation in February, but I am not sure I am personally at that point yet. For me, it would be too tempting as I would not have my son with me. This momma needs a break, but I don't need a break that bad where I am uncomfortable with it, and the possibility of a relapse for me is too high. Now, at home, I am in my comfort zone for the moment, as my son is always with me so staying sober here is easy for me.

My suggestion for your vacation, bring us (SR) with you, have a plan and a solid one in case the AV talks to you, maybe even find a meeting around where you will be, if you attend AA.
I wish you the best in your recovery, remember you are worth it! :)

Thoughts and feelings are one thing, but our response to those things is another.

For years I confused abstinence for control.

Not the same thing at all.

I didn't realise what a gift I was giving to myself by staying abstinence - it's a gift I want to deliver and re-deliver every day for the rest of my life :)

D