Not coping
 

I’ve been an on-off visitor to these forums over the years. I am no stranger to sobriety or alcoholism, having done stints of both. I was never happy either way so must concede there was something about sobriety I was doing wrong, or not “getting”. I’ve never been a believer in happiness actually, but right now, just “coping” would be nice. That’s the truth I’m arriving at. I am not coping, and alcohol is actually making me weaker and further destroying my ability to cope.

I came back here briefly earlier this year and then left again because I felt bad, wasting the time of you good people. I wasn’t serious about quitting. No point venting and whining on a sobriety forum if I am not wanting to get sober.

In recent times I have laboured under delusions of control. Like, I am not that bad. Compared to many I guess I am not. I don’t drink every night. Most of the time I stop at five drinks (I know that is actually a lot). Real benders don’t happen often. I don’t get into trouble.

How easily it all unravels. It is unravelling before my eyes. Last night five drinks didn’t get me anywhere, so I just drank until I passed out.
I am going through an incredibly difficult time right now, I am in serious emotional pain that I have been medicating with booze…but truly I see with clear eyes it is actually me weaker. I feel utterly pathetic. I have a game face, but I can’t deal with basic stuff everyone has to deal with in this life without hiding in a damn bottle.

I seriously don’t feel strong enough to handle what life is throwing at me right now. My mother was recently dx with advanced cancer. She has recently gone through all the tests. Actually, things aren’t as bad as they could be…while it is advanced, it hasn’t spread to distant organs or bones. But she is now faced with all the horrible decisions about treatment…chemo, radiation, hormone blockers. It all looks like a “no win” to me. Doctors are prescribing chemo as she is a stage 3 and it is her best bet to make sure cancer doesn’t recur after her recent surgery to remove the tumour and affected lymph nodes. My mother is seventy-three and not in great health anyway. I have seen fit and healthy young people go downhill fast on chemotherapy. Only to have the cancer return, and they died anyway. My mother doesn’t want to have chemo and I don’t blame her. But if she doesn’t the cancer is going to get her. I am just in pieces over all this. My mother is my best friend and I don’t want to lose her, but either way mortality looms. I AM going to lose her. It is just a question of when.

Things came to a head yesterday. My mother’s principal caretakers are me and my step dad. She doesn’t really have anyone else. My other siblings live distantly and aren’t very close to her. Now, my step dad is not well, has tendonitis in his legs and can’t drive. They told me I’ve got to get my driver’s licence so I can drive them to their medical appointments (yes, please don’t laugh at me, I don’t drive. I had lessons at eighteen and did not take to it, so I just quit). Long range, looks like I will need to quit my job to take care of them. I feel like life is over. Theirs, mine. We are all just getting old and the good times are a long distant memory. Nothing ahead but sadness, struggle, sickness and death. I know this sounds self-indulgent.

I kept a brave face in front of my parents, then went home and spent the rest of the day drinking and sleeping. I just can’t deal. I just wanted to block everything out and not be conscious. I guess I am still a kid. I feel like they should be taking care of me, not the other way around. I am used to them driving me around, now I have to drive them around.

Today I am horribly hungover and staring at reality again. The truth is still here no matter how much I hate it and want to make it go away. It’s certainly true that drinking doesn’t make anything better.

I am going to take another stab at sobriety. I think the mistake I made last time was I tried to do everything on my own. I never talked to a doctor about my drinking, I never went to AA or anything. I just stopped. But then, of course, I started again…

Well I have some really good reasons to quit right now. If I’m going to be getting my licence I don’t want this booze demon on my back. How will I drive my parents to their medical appointments with a hangover or a DUI? That’s just p*ss weak and irresponsible.

Not to mention I have up close and personal experience of what a bitch cancer is, and with all the drinking I’ve been doing I would be very surprised if I don’t get it some years down the track myself. I’ve been poisoning my body and my organs for YEARS.

Thanks for listening. I am reading other posts here for encouragement. And telling myself, this is day one all over, this time for real, but in this pathetic state, also wondering if I can actually do it.

Hi SOTC.

Yes, you can do it. Any suggestion that you can't do it is just your addictive voice, telling you lies. Taking action, as you suggest, is a good idea.

I feel for ya. My dad was diagnosed a month ago with cancer that has spread, no treatment is possible, and he is at home with hospice nurses coming in daily. So I do have empathy for what you're going through.

I am so glad I'm doing this sober ... although it's painful, with sobriety the pain kinda just moves through me - I feel it, then it passes. When I drank, I just ruminated over my difficult feelings and never really made progress, never got through it, never let go. It's better sober.

And I'm grateful to be able to take responsibility for my parents' care. No, I don't like what is happening, and I don't like some of what I have to do. But I'm able to be responsible toward them, able to make things easier for them, and to be loving and caring. That's worth everything to me right now.

Sick,

Best thing is dealing with life sober. You might have a ton of extra anxiety going through the healing phase, but you will have a ton of extra energy because you are not hung over.

When I quit, I was able to work out everyday, but I would be mentally fatigued due to stress.

I napped a bunch and ate whatever I wanted/needed.

That was my deal.

No booze, but eat what ever I wanted.

I lost my step Mom in mid 2014 to cancer. She fought it for about 15 years.

I vote let you Mom get all the treatment insurance can buy. You never know the quality of life she might have.

I heard about a cure for cancer recently using Hydrogen peroxide 35%. I can't recommend it, but it might be worth a Google search for you and your family.

Stay clean.

Thanks.

Glad you came back. :hug: I'm sorry for what you're going thru with your mother's illness. But being there for them sober means you're giving them the best you can give.

I hope our support can help you get sober for good. :grouphug:

Dear SOTC,
What a painful, heartfelt post you've written. I just want to encourage you and to let you know you're not alone on this journey. Getting older really sucks, there's no way else to say it. Your decision to be sober is the best choice you can make for yourself and your elderly parents. Detoxing your body from a poisonous depressant you've been pouring down your throat for so many years will certainly improve your outlook for the future. That's the first step and the most important thing you can do. Try AA, get as much support as you can face to face with others who understand what it's like to have a serious drinking problem. There's plenty of us out here. Sending prayers your way.

Thank you so much. I have tears rolling down my face reading this. I am so sorry to hear about your dad.

You really just nailed it for me. This is my time to be strong for the people I love and be there for them, no matter what the future holds. I can't do that stuck in a bottle.

I remember you Least. Thank you for the welcome message. It means a lot as I do feel I have stuffed you people around with my lack of commitment.

Thank you Cleomie. Yep, getting old sucks. And it will suck even more if I keep drinking.

I think being honest with others and myself, and getting support, will be key this time around. Last time I thought I "had it all together" you know. I just don't - those are the facts.

I'm glad you're back It does sound like a difficult time for you and your family. Being sober is the best way to deal with life and it sounds like you're ready to do it. Try to remember to take care of yourself, too. :)

Anna, thank you, and of course I remember you too:) Thanks for the welcome message.

Taking care of myself is a trouble area for me. I know they talk about it being a disease of denial and for me that is true in more ways than one. I feel I relapsed because I was overconfident in myself and didn't want to admit I really needed anyone else's help. Even though I was sober I was still in denial that I had a problem or didn't have it altogether on my own, thanks very much.

Welcome back sick. Sorry you're having a difficult time. There's lots of support here.

Hi SOTC,

So sorry to hear your mother has cancer; it is hard seeing people you love suffer. My aunt, who just turned 80, did well when she received chemo and radiation for breast cancer a few years ago. I went through radiation as a teenager (stage 2b) and my experience was that sometimes it was harder for loved ones who felt powerless.

I think it is pretty common to have multiple “failed” attempts when getting sober. I did it over and over again. Don’t beat yourself up; you have a drive to stay sober, that constant, nagging addictive voice will dissipate the more practice you have. You also seem forthright and that honesty and self-reflection will take you far.

Best wishes to you during this difficult time.

Thank you Pouncer. It is encouraging to hear about your aunt and that she did well with the treatments at her age.

RE repeat attempts and relapses, I'm not sure i have it in me to stay on the merry ground long term, so I'm really wanting to make it stick this time. I have noticed this time that I am having some physical symptoms of withdrawal (sweating, insomnia) that were not so much a thing before.

Welcome back, SOTC. I am sorry that you are going through a bad time and your mother's illness. I have had numerous failed attempts at sobriety, and this is part of our horrifying disease. Each time I stopped the withdrawals got progressively worse. I kept trying though--some tiny bit of sanity left kept me desiring a sober life and with a good plan and the support and advice of the excellent people here at SR I am 19 days away from 2 years of sobriety. I never want to go back to the horror of my life before. You can do this-I know the temptation of wanting to drink to feel better, but there is nothing in this world that alcohol doesn't make infinitely worse. I wish you peace and strength on your sober journey.

Welcome back SOTC, and thank you for sharing such a heartfelt post.

I am sorry to hear about your mom's cancer, and glad you are going to be there for her, and being sober will allow you to be completely present. There are many resources out there for caretakers, and you may want to look into them as you navigate through your mom's treatment. Also, there are organizations who can help with transportation for people undergoing cancer treatment. Finally, don't feel like you need to put this all on you. Reach out to your son,info even if they are far, they may be able to help investigate options to assist with caretaking duties. Also, look into outside help that may be available to your mom through insurance.

Start studying for the license, it will open up many options for you in being able to help your family, and being able to go where you want.

Looking forward to seeing you on here!!!

Thank you Verdantia. Congrats on 2 years - that is fantastic.

You are so right that the withdrawals get worse. is this kindling? I'm puzzled because in my later "drinking career" I actually drank less overall than in my young and crazy days. But i do think the withdrawals have been worse this time.

Hi Delilah and thanks for the welcome and the tips about caretaking. I don't have a son but my brother is moving closer and will be around a bit more to help so that is fantastic. i hadn't thought of other services but it's worth looking into.