AshleyB

OK SO!!!!!!! I really have been struggling with my co-worker as of late. We don't really like each other and NEVER really have...however, I try to be cordial with her. It becomes extremely hard at times not to clash though. She has a very dominating personality...where I am a VERY humane/fair kind of person. On the other hand...I know that she probably just struggles with control in her life...she's been dating a married man for the last 11 years and is at odds with her family...( her family thinks she's too argumentative and manipulating )

I mean, i'm a married woman and I find it very difficult to have anything in common with her because of the fact that she's dating a married man...I really don't have any respect to offer. BUT I try my best to put that aside and give her an inch... then she wants a mile...

She then goes on to tell me all about her relationship with this man and I try to sit there and listen but to be honest i'm cringing !!!! I really don't want to hurt her feelings but I feel like I have to be genuine and true to myself....we work side by side and it's getting VERY frustrating. I really wish I could just tell her how it is..but I'm struggling HARDCORE.

Not to mention when she walks in the room she lets off this "godly energy" Like she is better than everyone else and always has her DEFENSES UP. So when you TRY TO tell her how you feel she instantly goes into defense mode and shuts down.

I've tried to tell her while i'm at work I like to have my space to task effectively because I distract easily..and she took that to heart so now the tension is THICK as hell....when all I really wanted was for her to understand the social CUE! Now she's being super passive aggressive and nasty!!!I'm at odds and I've been dealing with her for 3 years. It's becoming so STRESSFUL. What in the hell should I do?

I'm considering quitting my job because it's getting to a point of no return for me...ahhh!!!!!!! LOL

Berrybean

Well, usually in this kind of situation there's a choice of three options things that could help....

1) forgive her for her part

2) apologise for your part

3) forgive her for her part and apologise for your part.


The resentment prayer can be very useful...

God, I have a resentment towards X that I want to be free of.
So I am asking you to give X everything I want for myself.
Help me feel compassion; understanding and love for X.
I pray that X will receive everything they need.
Thankyou for your help and strength with this resentment.


And this Do It Anyway prayer prepares me for every working day, because I find people generally quite difficult to cope with (I'm such a sensitive soul lol)...

God, help me to accept that people may be unreasonable and self-centred. Let me forgive them anyway.
Help me to accept that if I’m kind, people may accuse me of ulterior motives. Let me be kind anyway.
Help me to accept that if I find happiness, people may be jealous. Let me be happy anyway.
Help me to accept that the good I do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Let me do good anyway.
Help me to accept that I may give the world my best, and it may never be good enough. Let me give my best anyway.
God, help me to remember that it is between you and me. It was never between me and them anyway.

At the end oc the day, sometimes we just need to decide if we want to be right or happy. Sounds like shes living a complicated and probably lonely life, and her current strop is as much because of that as any request for space from you. If you just want to diffuse the tension between you, chances are that she just needs a little reassurance that shes not being rejected or slighted or judged. Sharing a bar of chocolate can be very healing (esp a BIG one). And at least with the plan of sharing a big bar of chocolate as a way of making up? Well, if she rejects your attempts at reconsiliation you get the whole bar to yourself. Win win.

Good luck.

BB

Maudcat

Oh, boy, Ashley.
She sounds tough.
I like Berrybean’s humane and caring reply.
I also find that if i stay polite, but don’t engage when I am working with a difficult person, my serenity stays intact.
I respond to the person by saying things like “um hum” or “really?” But don’t follow up with a comment.
Sometimes I walk away if I can, just for a bit.
Dunno if this helps.
I wouldn’t quit over it though.
That’s like throwing rocks at my own head as the other person walks past.

Maudcat

P.S. I work with someone who isn’t particularly difficult, but is a CONSTANT complainer.
I have used the things I suggested above.
They work reasonably well.
Peace.

AshleyB

Thanks so much, I actually cried saying that prayer out loud. It really helped. I don't know if the chocolate bar will help...we have been down this road many times before...but thank you anyway for that solution lol however, she's a tough case to crack.

DontRemember

Punch her in the throat while yelling "HOMEWRECKER!!". That should crack her case. I'm kidding..

tomsteve

i dont think you have to "crack her case" as much as ya have to pull up yer britches and grow your backbone-set boundaries. dont allow the behavior. if she wont respect your boundaries, go to management about the problem

biminiblue

That resentment prayer has helped me so many times. Keep saying it every day Ash.

Congrats on 81 Days!

It also helps me to understand that she is not well, and that her behavior reflects her opinion of herself. Anyone who has gotten into the relationship she's in is not in a good place right now.

I would not listen to stories about the man, though. I think you're smart to set boundaries around that and any combative behavior she exhibits. When I set a boundary, there will always be pushback. The other person is going to push that boundary, just like a two year old. I know it's coming, and I am ready for it.

The Serenity Prayer is great at these times, too.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

Anna

I agree, Ashley, that setting boundaries as you have is the right thing and smart thing to do. As Bim said, expect pushback, but do your best to let it go. I would not want to see you leave your job because of this woman.

Berrybean

Hugs.

You haven't got to crack her. Just know that you've kept your side of the street clean and steer clear of resentments. That's enough to be getting on with.

Xx

Berrybean

Yep. That serenity prayer is a lifesaver.

Sometimes I make it more specific to people. Ie...

God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change; courage to change the person I can, and wisdom to know the difference.[/QUOTE]

BB xx

biminiblue

I take it a step further:

God thank you for the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.



I truly know that God was there all along.


...or how 'bout (your version with a tweak)

God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change; courage to change the person I can, and wisdom to know it's me.


I have to laugh - here we are changing a perfectly great prayer!!

Berrybean

Lol. Yeah, well I need the dummies guide version of it xx

biminiblue

Amen, sistah. So do I.

tekink

Next time she talks about the man, if it were me I'd mention how that's not right and something I'd never do. Men who have affairs do it for the sex, she's being used so I'd mention that she's being used by a pos man and you'd rather not hear about it.


But me, myself I always find the truth to be the best thing to say and I tend to be blunt.

It'd shut her up for sure, she should be ashamed.


Edit to add I'd say these things in a nonchalant, polite manner and not accusational at all.

DontRemember

I'm like you. I do and have called my cheating male and female friends out.. That just doesn't fly with me. Don't tell me unless you want my opinion on the matter, is the way I see it. Can't stand that crap! If you're not happy...leave. How simple. Otherwise..don't cheat! It's funny how the cheater's have excuses for doing it,just like I can 'justify' my drinking..please.

AshleyB

I know it's really disgusting ! I told her how I felt about it...and there is nothing to further discuss unless it's work related ..otherwise i'm turning my cheek. I had to just come out with it. IT FEELS SO GOOD and liberating to have set her straight.

AshleyB

That made me laugh so hard. Wow lol

Gottalife

" Though we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick too. We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended we said to ourselves, "This is a sick person. How can I be helpful to them? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done."

We avoid retaliation or argument. We wouldn't treat sick people that way. If we do, we destroy our chance of being helpful. We cannot be helpful to all people, but at least God will show us how to take a kindly and tolerant view of each and every one."

The AA book has many useful and practical ideas on life such as that above. A great principle, tolerance, but I am not sure this idea, taken in isolation, would necessarily work that well for me. Working the related step (step 4) is what led to understanding in these situations. I am not only trying to understand and be helpful to the other person, I need to also know about my part and how I react, because my reactions will color my thinking.

Berrybean

Well, you're gonna do what you're gonna do.

Me personally, I know I didn't get well-er on this recovery malarkey by focussing on other people's character defects. I needed to focus on the logs in my own eyes before thinking about the specks in other people's.

BB